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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How to deal with the anger about your cheating now ex bf      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 MB58SC
Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 3
How to deal with the anger about your cheating now ex bfPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Between every stimuli and response lay your choice in how you'll respond. Respond with integrity and manage your emotions effectively by realizing that anything you do which is against your character will ultimately injure you.

Integrity, and choice -- abide by those, and remember to get yourself out of that horribly angry state. My suggestion, write a letter expressing your feelings about what was done -- don't attack him, or blame -- simply say how you feel, then disconnect and don't talk with him again. This will save you from thinking negatively and nursing resentment, and it will be "action" rather than reaction.

Do it for yourself, you deserve respect, and if he won't give it to you, give it to yourself by doing this.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 10
I understand you are hurt and angry
Posted: 4/9/2007 8:01:35 AM
Jlizzy - I went through the horrible process. Wife of 17 years right out of the blue - announced I was no longer in her plans. Eighteen months later my mom died - from ok to gone in six weeks.

I remember the day when it dawned on me - I had passed through all five stages and the lights were finally coming back on at my house.

I even made a post here. I think I named it “The Fifth Stage and Beyond”.

I just now typed “grieve” into a bittorrent search engine. I have no idea why but - one of the few hits I got was.

“What A Wonderful World” - Louis Armstrong

That is just weird and a very nice way. I have no idea why that would come up as a keyword hit on the keyword “grieve”.

I downloaded it - it is a video with the song in the background ........ how fitting.

Jlizzy - spend at least 30 minutes thinking about things you are grateful for - friends-family-pets-life-health

The faster you get yourself thru the stages the better off you will be. I was stuck in it for three years due to the double whammie I got. But if you understand the stages you can get yourself thru them faster.

I pushed my way thru them by taking my focus off my sadness - off of my ex wife - and onto myself. Hundreds of hours of self development ebooks helped me get thru it.

The sooner you realize yesterday is history and there is nothing you can do about it - start thinking about your future - the sooner you can get on with your life.

Change ........

“why do I hurt so bad”

to

“what all can I do to feel better about myself and my life”
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 13
How to deal with the anger about your cheating now ex bf
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:03:19 AM
OP, while I know it hurts and it makes you angry, you need to realize that you haven't lost anything...not really...Look at what the time with him has really *been* not how you wanted it to be...Letting go of the 'dream of what could be, if only he'd...' is much harder than looking at what really *is* there...but you need to do it...and that will help you with your hurt and anger. Once you see him for who he really is, and not who you wanted him to be, you'll realize that you fell for someone and something that didn't exist...so you really didn't lose anything that was good for you or that would add to your life. Instead, you got rid of something that was taking away your own innate happiness and joy in life. You said it yourself...he just wasn't open to it...and is that what you want? Someone you have to *try* and get to know the real you...or do you want someone who *wants* to get to know the real you? Take the blinders off and see that you deserve someone who wants you for who you are...and that you want to find someone that you want for who they are - not who you want them to be. Believe me, once you do this and get through the hurt, anger, and acceptance part, the hurt will lessen and go away...and you'll be ready to find someone where you'll both accept each other for who you are.
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 20
view profile
History
How to deal with the anger about your cheating now ex bf
Posted: 4/9/2007 4:38:01 PM
There is a stereotype of men being more logical then women. DON'T subscribe to it.

You can forgive or not, but you can never forget. Some good people have given you great advice, be productive. The truth need not be the preoccupation, your part in it sets you free. Set it aside, live your life.

No time for hate.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 22
How to deal with the anger about your cheating now ex bf
Posted: 4/9/2007 6:01:37 PM
jlizzy - it does not matter if he cheated on you once or 100 times - cheating is cheating. Why are you so worried about him if its over? Get p!ssed off at him for 5 minutes and if you feel like it, phone him and tell him off for being a cheating ba$tard and then suck it up princess and move on. Five minutes is about all the time you should waste on this guy and any time you spend on him, thinking about him or wondering is all wasted time. Be thankful you found out before you either moved in together, got married or had children together.

For future information, possibly go over the events and think if there were any red flags waving that you ignored and learn from it. Other than that, consider this man of no value to you, like than the gift you deposit in the big ceramic bowl in the bathroom and flush him away.

There are a lot of men out there worthy of a woman such as yourself, free yourself of him (in mind and spirit) and dont consider yourself moving on - Girl you are Moving Up!
 crystalise
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 23
How to deal with the anger about your cheating now ex bf
Posted: 4/9/2007 6:15:45 PM
Hey know how you feel. Not the exact same situation but the cheating rage as I call it

The good news is it will fade. How to deal with it now, grab ALL your friends and one by one or even together, vent vent VENT

Vent to people close to you and that you trust, get it off your chest. Write angry angry letters/emails get it all out. But dont send them. Dont bother trying to vent with the ex because face facts he doesnt care, so just grieve for what you thought it was but then accept it was an allusion

Do not get abusive via text. It only shows he has power over you and you dont want that. You will regret it once this passes. And trust me, it will pass

BEst revenge is to totally cut him and the cheater [ I saw your other thread on to contact the other girl] out of your life completely. This reduces them to nothing, makes them totally insignificant and nothing hits home as the best revenge than to make someone so low a priority in your life that they are nothing.

Its hard at first. When you feel like texting, call a friend and talk to them first. It will get easier as you will feel better. even empowered. And if contacts you, delete, delete delete. Good luck
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 30
How to deal with the anger about your cheating now ex bf
Posted: 4/11/2007 4:47:24 PM

I feel so angry and upset and have to stop myself from hurling abuse at him via text message to his phone...

Please does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this immense anger and hurt?
I feel so utterly betrayed not only for being cheated on but that he ever realy made the effort to get to know me properply in the course of the year and discover what I could offe rhim..not for lack of trying on my part..he just wasn't open to it!


~OP~ I too, empathize. There is nothing more enraging, confusing or damaging as the realization that we've picked the wrong man. My exhusband had a complete inability to keep his clothes on in the presence of women who didn't know me. It was just a part of who he was (and continues to be.) I forgave, adjusted, learned, etc., but in the end, the reality was really quite simple: the problem was his, not mine.

As for dealing with the anger, I just stopped being angry. It was that simple. I realized it wasn't bothering him that I was angry, so why bother? He was sorry, just like the man you speak of ~~~ sorry he got caught.

The harsh reality is: he probably did know you ~ to the best of his ability or interest. Just because we know someone well, doesn't mean they know us well. The old saying "Just because he didn't love you the way you wanted him to, doesn't mean he didn't love with to the best of his ability" is true, even though terribly sad. We can't make someone love us the way we want them to ~ nor can we make someone be faithful, honest or even interested.

It's impossible to understand someone who can lie, cheat, or even ignore ~ all while professing love. The truth is, now you know what/who he is. Lucky you. You can toss him aside and move on knowing him for the dog he is ~ that really is vendication in some way. You can smile inside when you see him, knowing you no longer have to put up with his brand of "love." It hurts today ~ and will tomorrow. But oddly, after a while, it just doesn't hurt anymore. And, keep in mind ~ karma is a real biitch, but so sweet when it does go around. Good luck to you.
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 33
view profile
History
How to deal with the anger about your cheating now ex bf
Posted: 11/1/2007 11:43:56 AM
The anger has since subsided and it's no longer my ex I'm concerned about...that's bygones but I do hold some pain, hurt and most importantly some distrust over for men in general as a result of this experience. My ex husband also essentially cheated on me..

So the question now is how to move forward into nurturing relationship/ how to find such a relationship and how not to take these experiences with me into the relationship ie not let it be baggage?
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