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 AUTHOR
 wergund
Joined: 8/22/2005
Msg: 6
dating single parentsPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I should say first that my first and only marriage was to a wonderful woman with a wonderful 3 year old daughter. I was scared to death back then of kids, but after raising her for 10 years, found out they aren't so bad after all.

I can think of quite a few reasons.

1) Say you date for quite a while, and the fella truly grows to love your children. Then the two of you have a falling out, and you take the kids and go. All the time and love that the man has invested in that child is all for naught.

2) If the kids are teens, a lot of men don't want to put up with the bullshit that one typically gets from teens. I'm not saying all teens are spoiled know-it-alls...but I know a lot of folks with kids like that.

3) In today's world, dating a woman with kids is fraught with peril. A man has to overcome the suspicion (in many cases, rightfully so) that he's some sort of child molester, just dating the mom to get to the kids. I say rightfully so because there are freaks out there. But who wants to go through the suspicion? Its so much easier to date a woman who's unemcumbered, avoiding all that suspicion altogether.

4) Discipline can be a big problem I've dated a couple of women who let their children run right over them, from 4 years old to 19 years old, I've seen both. And I can't stand for it. I come from the "spare the rod, spoil the child" school. If a kid is starting fires around the house, I say he (or she) gets swats. The mother says they don't. Guess who wins?

5) The financial burden. Now, many moms say I don't want you to be a father to my child, he's already got one. But then you go to the zoo, and you pay the admission. Then the kid needs braces, and money's tight for single mom, so you help out. Then you move in, and find that you're paying for the kid's new Ipod and trendy sneakers. Then you're paying for their college tuition...many men don't mind this at all, but would probably prefer to be sending their own flesh and blood through school.

6) And last, but most certainly not least, we don't want to deal with the freaked out father of the kids. He automatically hates us because his ex is attracted to us. He hates us because we have access to his children even moreso than he does. The kids sometimes hate us because we're not their real fathers. (I have found that generally speaking, the ex is certified nutso retired Special Forces, just looking for a target...)

I hope this sheds a little light, and before anyone beats up on me, allow me to say that I'm still willing to date a woman with children from a previous marriage. Its a case by case basis for me. However, for some men, its an absolute rule. I still get to talk to my ex-step-daughter to this day (when she calls), and I still love her dearly. But just as a prospective suitor gets extra scrutiny from a woman, she should expect scrutiny from the suitor. Thass'all.
 HikingFitGuy
Joined: 3/20/2007
Msg: 12
dating single parents
Posted: 4/14/2007 4:18:27 AM
Because I haven't had my own kids yet, I want to start fresh with a woman who hasn't either,

If I was a single father, then I would be prepared to date a single mum, Im not hyprocrittical about it.

I want the chance to have my own kids first, If I don't have em, Id rather spend my time and money on hobbies and travelling rather than help raise kids that aren't mine.
 Karl the Hermit
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 20
view profile
History
dating single parents
Posted: 4/14/2007 10:56:28 PM

im not saying im gonna put a new man b4 my kids, that would never happen but at the same time i would hope we could all be on the same level with eachother. blimey am i asking to much just to have a bit of adult company to have someone there to cuddle me[ /quote]

Of course not. And any woman who does is not much of a mother, IMO. But let's face facts, you cannot be on the same level if he has no children and you have 3. It's impossible. Alluding to what msg 16 poster said, a childless man has to not only win your heart, he has to win the hearts of your children as well. I know this firsthand. My mother raised my bro and I by herself, and if we didn't like the guy she dated for any reason, we drove him off, because we knew we came first. There's no possibility of equity in this situation.

Furthermore, even if a childless man would accept the challenge of winning the hearts of your children to be with you, you plainly state you don't want anymore children, so there's no chance of him ever having a child to put before you, as you put yours before him. Personally, I don't have a problem dating women with children, but I wouldn't even consider dating one who was not willing to bear mine as well, unless, all of her kids were grown up and gone.

Now as to why guys with kids don't want to go out with you, I can't even comment since they are "on the same level" as you, at least in respect to making you second-fiddle in a relationship, especially if they live with the guy.

As for suggestions on what to put in your profile, here's a few to avoid...

1) "My kids are my life and are always first" - Ladies, we know that. We don't need it rubbed in our faces before we even meet you. You're not going to attract single, childless men if you keep throwing that one up in their faces at every conversation from word go.

2) "My kids already have a father" - Yes, and we hope he's not a nutjob stalking us with an icepick. Not to mention, if you and I are living together, that means I am a father-figure to your children by default. No way around it, so don't be naive about it.

3) "I don't need a sugardaddy to support my kids" - Fine, but if we entangle ourselves emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially, I will be supporting your kids to some degree.

These phrases are not only cliche', but they're either needless and/or downright false. And I'm not coming down on single moms at all, but they need to be aware of the different dynamic and level of equality they're dealing with when it comes to dating childless men. I see so many threads on here saying we "don't get it," like we're ignorant a-holes, but we DO get it, and many of us don't want an LTR of it. Maybe the single moms need to make sure they "get it."

Other than that, I think you should maybe stick to single dads for your prospective LTR's, or rethink your stance on having more kids for that special someone you seek. And of course, you could just "date" like my mom did until my bro was out of the house and I was 16. You'll have to change your profile for that one.

Good Luck!
 studplayrico
Joined: 12/9/2005
Msg: 21
view profile
History
dating single parents
Posted: 4/15/2007 1:34:44 AM
I believe the reason why is because there might be a possibility of a man wanting to have children of hisr own(my case). The odds of having with her are greatly increased if there is 3 or more children of her own.
 philstevo
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 32
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History
dating single parents
Posted: 4/16/2007 3:07:18 PM
Why should it matter if ya got kids or not? Some guys just want an easy ride without complications, personally i think its the complications that make for a stronger and more open relationship, the one's who aint interested when they find out you got kiddies aint worth a second look.
Thats my 10 cents...
 ydenyme
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 46
view profile
History
dating single parents
Posted: 4/21/2007 4:18:11 PM
I don't go out with women with children because I (1)don't like drama(baby mama-baby daddy) .I don't even want to be around anyone that's arguing even if it doesn't involve me.It ruins my day.(2)The woman is usually limited in the time she has and in what she can do ,where she can go.(3)Some children are very disrespectfu, and don't want mom to be with anyone but their dad,and cause problems within the relationship.(4)I want to be married and have a family with a woman someday,and a lot of women have had" the operation"and can't have any more children.
 Warpgirl
Joined: 3/4/2007
Msg: 80
dating single parents
Posted: 4/29/2007 10:15:01 PM
Personally, I love it when a man tells me that he wont date me because of my kids. Do you know why? Because he just saved me from a world of pain. Namely, getting involved with a man that's potentially immature, selfish, egocentric and narcissistic.

I read through some of the things that men say on these posts, such as "they are not my kids never will be..., id rather spend my time and money on other pursuits than bother with a child that's not mine..., the attention will be on the kids moreso than me..., blah blah blah!
Personally, i would NEVER want to have a child with a man that thinks this way, let alone have him be a stepdad to my kids.
If this is the way they treat/think of someone else's kids, I shudder to think what kind of parent they would be when it comes time to have a child of their own "flesh".

Moreover, as a parent who has a bio child and an adopted child i can tell you that being a parent is so much more than whether or not a child is of "your flesh". I am now and forever will be the parent to my adopted child.
It really burns me up when i hear some people saying "He is not of my flesh therefore he will never be my child".
How unbelievable IGNORANT!
There's an old saying that goes like this:
Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own!
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn’t grow under my heart
But in it.

I am currently dating a man who's divorced and has a stepchild whom treats as his own and still maintains a bond/contact with her. This was his view on the subject:

"If a man cannot see fit to love, care for, accept and support another human being , such as a child, simply because that child is not of "his flesh" then I truly question his emotional maturity, level of responsibility and capacity to form deep loving and lasting bonds with any woman. Because afterall, the woman that may eventually become his wife is also 'not of his flesh' and yet as a husband he will be expected to love her, bond with her and provide the emotional, physical, financial support typical of the bonds of marriage with no guarantee of whether that marriage will last."

Guys next time you run from a woman simply because she has kids consider this--

How would you like it if a woman refuses to date you simply because of you have a close bond with your mom/ dad or siblings and she didnt necessarily always come first?

How would you like it if you were taking care of your mom/dad because they could no longer take care of themselves and a woman held that against you?
"Sorry but i can't even consider the thought that i may one day be responsible for taking care of your mom/dad as well that's why i dont date you"
"Sorry but i can't even love you because you're taking care of your parents and i know i wouldn't always come first."
"Sorry but I can't even love you because i can't see fit to love and care for someone, like your family members, because they are not of my flesh."

Would you even want to date a woman who is this selfish and lacking in compassion, patience, and understanding?

Would you like it if you were ever a divorced parent (which you may very well end up being considering a 55% divorce rate) and a woman to says to you "Sorry I won't date you because you have kids"

This is precisely what happened to a man i went out on a date with.
He admitted to me he used to refuse to date single moms when he was childless.
Now he's dealing with trying to date as a divorced parent himself and becomes frustrated when women wont go out with him because they believe he's looking for a "mommy" to his kids.
Karma, Karma, Karma!
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