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Joined: 9/27/2005
Msg: 1
What is cheating?? What isn't??Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
This is an article that was on the MSN Lifestyle page today. Found this quite appropriate as I had a conversation with a friend on this very topic a few days ago.

Sooooo.....what is your opinion.. what is cheating, what isn't?

As long as there have been men and women and as long as they have been dating, we have been engaged in this debate: When you are in a monogamous relationship, what constitutes cheating? Where do you draw that line? And is there a grey area?

There was a time when cheating had a simple definition; like the kind of the Scarlet Letter. But nowadays, both men and women are more complex and less tolerant of betrayal of any sort in a committed relationship. And when it comes to men and women, we probably differ vastly when it comes to what we perceive as cheating. So, off come the gloves – here are seven relationship traps that you may or may not define as infidelity. It´s up to you to decide.

Confiding in a Friend of the Opposite Sex

So, most guys would probably say no way is this cheating. They probably understand that their girlfriends are delicate, emotional creatures that need to talk things out to death. And better with some other poor guy than with himself, right?

But, many women actually feel threatened by their man confiding in friend of the opposite sex. Connecting with another woman on an emotional level can be worse than connecting on a sexual level. What do you need to say to this other woman that you cannot share with your girlfriend? It has been called emotional cheating and it can be more hurtful than one night of torrid, drunken sex with an anonymous woman from the bar.

The Man's Opinion: Talk all you want.
The Woman's Opinion: This is emotional cheating.

Dancing Closely

In many cultures, dancing is considered a very sensual act. That´s why so many people probably think dance clubs are a great place to pick-up.

This is one that most guys and girls can see eye to eye on. If you are at a nightclub and grinding sexually with someone other than your significant other, there is bound to be trouble.

The Man's Opinion: Get your hands off my girl.
The Woman's Opinion: Watch who you're touching.


Flirting is such a natural act between men and women. Most confident individuals, in a secure and open relationship don´t mind their man/woman joking around or engaging in a little innocent flirting. Admit it, you probably do it all the time. But if the conversations are sexual and the flirting is with the intent of eventually ?getting some,? then you have definitely crossed the line.

The Man's Opinion: It's all in good fun.
The Woman's Opinion: Know when to draw the line.

Going to Strip Clubs

There are some people who think that going to a strip club in and of itself constitutes cheating. But there are those who are more accepting and will allow their partner to enjoy a guys or girls night out at the rippers.

The problem arises when your committed boyfriend/girlfriend pays to touch a stripper. If you have to go to a strip joint to touch another person sexually, then there´s a problem with the relationship. It is cheating, no doubt.

The Man's Opinion: Honey, this is what guys do!
The Woman's Opinion: You can look but do not touch.

Cyber Sex

Getting on the Internet and engaging in cyber sex ranks high on the cheating scale in pretty much everyone´s book. It is hurtful to know that your partner is so unsatisfied sexually with you that he/she needs to talk dirty to a computer screen to get off. What´s the point of talking to a blank, inhuman face when you can have the real thing right at home?

The Man's Opinion: I like the real thing.
The Woman's Opinion: Not only is it cheating, it's also pathetic.

Watching Porn

Although it might be upsetting to know that your significant other has a fetish for watching pornographic movies, many of us would not consider it cheating. Women know that men enjoy watching porn and that it is an act that is completely separate from the relationship. There is no live ?other woman? threatening the relationship. It is merely a sexual fantasy or maybe a way for men to learn hot moves for you in the bedroom.

The Man's Opinion: It's a guy thing.
The Woman's Opinion: Have fun.

Engaging in a Sexual Act

If I have to debate this one for you, you're a lost cause. All of us who aren´t in one of those trendy ?open relationships? consider kissing, caressing, licking, or having sex with another person cheating. This is one you can´t argue your way out of. It is the ultimate act of infidelity and a sure way to end your monogamous relationship.

The Man's Opinion: Don't even think about it.
The Woman's Opinion: Don't even think about it.

quantum cheating

If you find yourself stumped as to what constitutes infidelity, you need to picture your partner doing the same thing with another person. Then admit whether or not that would upset you. It´s all relative.

Perhaps it was Sex and the City´s Carrie Bradshaw who said it best: 'Maybe there´s a cheating curve. That someone´s definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat.'
Joined: 4/10/2007
Msg: 2
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:48:24 AM
To me, go ahead and confide in someone, but don't think it's going to solve the problems with you other half and makes things fine. If you just confide in another person and don't get your feelings out, then it just causes more problems. So it can really go either way.

The whole dancing close thing, if you're grinding it up with someone you aren't already involved with while you're involved, then it's considered cheating. If you were to be two stepping with someone, that's acceptable. It's actually dancing whereas that whole grinding thing is more like having sex with your clothes on.

Flirting is a huge grey area. It can be both cheating and not cheating. You just have to know when it goes from harmless flirting to the real deal.

Strip clubs. Now this is an issue that every couple has to discuss. If someone is really uncomfortable with it, is it really that hard to give up?

Cyber sex. To me it's the same thing as doing the real thing. It's cheating. Plain and simple.

Watching porn. If you need it regularly, you have a problem. For some relationships it can spice it up, but don't expect your partner to be able to do what they do in those things. A lot of it is just plain gross. I don't have an opinion on whether or not it's cheating, but it shouldn't be needed all the time.

Actually having sex. CHEATING. doesn't matter if it's oral or not. it's cheating.

And in my own opinion, if you kiss someone, it's cheating. But it is something you might be able to get past. Be honest if it happens. Find out why it happened. And why aren't you happy?
 A Purrrfect Pisces
Joined: 11/12/2006
Msg: 3
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 9:06:25 AM
I gotta say - I have stood by my one rule in so many aspects of my life; from raising my children alone, to work, to my own relationships.

And that rule is "treat people as you'd want them to treat you" ........ and without a doubt, the same rule applies here.

Joined: 12/16/2005
Msg: 4
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 9:18:23 AM
Amen to P.P. was going to say the same thing but add, its cheating if you are doing something in secret that you KNOW you significant other would not approve of.
 A Purrrfect Pisces
Joined: 11/12/2006
Msg: 5
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 9:29:16 AM
Could not have added to it better myself wpggentleman ...... how true, how true.

Joined: 4/29/2005
Msg: 6
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 9:38:57 AM

And that rule is "treat people as you'd want them to treat you"

That is a great rule to live by, but the OP is saying that there is sometimes a difference in what people find acceptable.

Confiding in a Friend of the Opposite Sex

So, most guys would probably say no way is this cheating.

But, many women actually feel threatened by their man confiding in friend of the opposite sex.

The Man's Opinion: Talk all you want.
The Woman's Opinion: This is emotional cheating.

This rule would fit if you look at the larger issue of treating your partner and your relationship with respect. If she felt that "Confiding in a Friend of the Opposite Sex" was a problem and he didn't, but he stopped doing it out of respect for her wishes, then he would be treating her as he wished to be treated.
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 7
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 10:12:13 AM
This is not so hard to answer.

You are cheating on your partner, if you are doing something with a person who is not your significant other, which you fear them finding out.
 A Purrrfect Pisces
Joined: 11/12/2006
Msg: 8
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 11:06:37 AM
That is a great rule to live by, but the OP is saying that there is sometimes a difference in what people find acceptable.

Awwwwww Steamer I hope I get to be as smart as you are when I get to be as old as you ........ ya know I'm just kidding, luvs ya ....... !

But you are right I could have elaborated more on topic however, that's me .... PP .... multi-tasker ..... and thus, shortest route possible for the same result ............ well ... okay maybe on a good day .......

Joined: 3/16/2007
Msg: 9
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 11:26:59 AM
There is no difference to me between emotional and physical betrayal. Infidelity is literally a breach of faith. If you are communicating with someone (Confiding in a Friend of the Opposite Sex) in order to obtain information as to how approach your "partner" that is not a breach, there is nothing underhanded about it. As a matter of fact, probably less detrimental as you are thinking prior to reacting.

As for dancing, flirting, porn, etc...That is all relative to the intentions of the person. Being a Queen of flirtation, I can attest to the fact that there is no harm intended. Any relationship I have ever been in, I have made it clear that I am a flirt and that if any of my actions cause ill-will, communication needs to be had. At no time would I ever want to hurt the person I was with or make them feel "less important" or insecure about my feelings.

As for cyber sex and physical contact..Well I never really understood the whole cyber sex thing...guess it’s a fantasy thing. If you have the real deal with you..Why pretend....geeeee if its fantasy you are looking for, you can purchase almost any "fantasy" from your local "adult store". My experience with physical contact is this: if someone is going outside "the circle", the relationship is over; one or both just refuse to admit it and are holding onto something that was probably never even there.

Honestly, I think this all comes down to communcation. If you are open with your partner, you will both know what is expected and if ones values differ from yours, you have the information to make an educated decision on the possiblity of a relationship with that person. If we stopped lying to others and most times ourselves, things would run alot smoother!
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 10
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 5:02:11 PM
If they spit it out, it's really not cheating

Sorry, guys, j/k
 A Purrrfect Pisces
Joined: 11/12/2006
Msg: 11
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 5:06:46 PM
^^^ oh yea smartie pants - wait till ya see what we wrote about you in The Date Kit thread ........ na-na-na-boo-boo ................

Joined: 11/5/2005
Msg: 12
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 5:26:43 PM
As for the strip clubs thing, my married friends use me as the 'excuse' to go when the wives are off doing other things. "Oh, honey, I wouldn't have gone, but thorndyke insisted. Poor guy, Y'know if he just settled for someone dumpy like you he would be so happy."
Well, you get the idea. Most of the wives aren't fooled for a minute, one finds it hysterical and always reminds me to make sure he gets a private dance.
Joined: 6/10/2005
Msg: 13
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:00:28 PM
Is phone sex considered cheating? This inquiring mind wants to know your thoughts.
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 14
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:04:11 PM
Speed dail is free, and no
Joined: 5/25/2006
Msg: 15
view profile
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:15:19 PM
phone sex cheating..???? Well if it's a dial tone... and your stuck with dead batteries in the ole bob.. then no...

with out batteries bob is sleeping.... lol.

Cheating is relative to one's perspective..... and perception.

Some go around lost in a cloud of delusion yet speak an excellant tale .... Haveing fooled themselves ( or have justified there actions by some abstract thought processes ) may convince them they are right and nothing really is cheating.

These are the ones that say..."only penitration" is cheating...

My perspective is ... as pp said up there ^^^^ treat others as you owuld like to be treated... too bad not many actually live by a similiar motto...
Joined: 5/8/2006
Msg: 16
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:21:03 PM
My biggest beef is that if you do speak your feelings on ALL the above, half the time you`re told that you are being paranoid or a controlling freak.
Let me ask the Pof jury what you think of these scenarios:
Do you have the right to raise an eyebrow if your partner takes the day off work to have an ex over to help clean up the house for some spare cash, but yet you arrive there after work to find nothing has been done and that person has now been invited for dinner too?
Do you have the right to be po`d if someone comes to your bar table numerous of times throughout the night to flirt with your spouse everytime you go to the bathroom and they do nothing about it?
Do you have the right to be hurt that your partner has allowed some "flirt" to come sit at your table and essentionally allow the flirting to carry on right in front of you, all the while they turn their back to you the whole time and not include you in the conversation?
Do you have the right to be upset if you find out the reason why your partner is ignoring you at a house party, that they are throwing, is because they have 5 ex`s there without prior knowledge?
Do you have a right to throw a red flag up if your partner drops whatever plans you have made together,to meet up with an ex for dinner who just happens to be dropping into town?
Do you think it`s justifiable to ponder "what`s really going on" when you`re told that your partner says they are having a quiet "girls night or boys night out" and you find out that there was a party there until 5am ,and their friend just soo happens to bring one extra member of the opposite sex along besides their partner they brought?

So who is REALLY being the control freak here.

Cheating comes in many forms and fashions.....So try thinking about your partners feelings before yours all the time. It`s my motto and I will stick by it.

Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 17
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:29:55 PM
^^^^^Ummm...why does the above seem like de ja view to me...

My ex was very much the same way during our marriage, creating a sense of insecurity for me and for us as a couple. He honestly believed his actions were honourable and would say so if I was to say anything. The sad part was me questioning my own morals and ethical beliefs of what I thought marriage was about. I really started to wonder if I was just nuts. At the end, I realized I was not and that I was really an okay person but it took me a long time to get there.

What we now have to do is find someone similar to us and our way of thinking about what constitutes cheating. If your ideas differ, that can be a serious red flag to me..

As said a few times here......

Do onto others and you would want them to bestow on to you

Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 18
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:33:09 PM
PP is right all the way... It's true all the way.

I think anything that your partner cant see is cheating... If you need secret email, then why is that. I am not afraid of someone reading over my shoulder if I am not doing anything wrong. I think the internet is a new glitch in cheating. But hey, if you will let me see, not that I would, but if you would let me, then I would trust a lot more with reagrd to the net. I understand privacy, but really, if people are together, then you should not be afraid and hiding what you write to others... Just a thought...
Joined: 5/8/2006
Msg: 19
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:35:31 PM
^^^^ thanks for the words of wisdom CC
Joined: 5/8/2006
Msg: 20
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:41:07 PM are dead right with people using the computer to cheat. I happen to think that setting up a secret lunch date with an ex,via computer, is along the same lines.
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 21
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:44:39 PM

Its taken me time to get where I am today and I some time think its not quite over...

onward and upward....

I had to learn to ask this question below and then be able to answer it.....

"Who owns this problem" (cheating)

Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 22
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:44:53 PM
But I say unto you, That whosoever looks o­n a woman/man to lust after her/him has committed adultery with her/him already in his/her heart........hmmmmmmmm......I wonder where that comes from...

Oh yeah..

Matthew 5:27&28

Not that I'm religious or anything...but definitely supportive of the thought....

Oh well.....stone me already

Joined: 11/19/2006
Msg: 23
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:58:57 PM
Oops... thought this was the thread where we were defining sanctimonious. I have no business being here. My mistake.

**backs out of thread**

**momentarily pops back in**

Psssst... the "stone me" thread is this way >>>

**backs out of thread again**
Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 24
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:11:13 PM that made me giggle...thanks there girlie.....
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 25
What is cheating?? What isn't??
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:12:59 PM
Oh shit, I gonna burn real good, yep, burn real good, I think I should change my name to BBQCOALS. To think, lust, to dream, and wish for??
I have my condo in hell booked already then

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust,
This will the end of BBQslave's Lust.

Now, if I could just get Bill Clinton to move out of the way, I just maybe able to work on my red hot tan.
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