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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > 32 and still very shy      Home login  
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 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 1
32 and still very shyPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I just turned 32 recently and have found that I'm just as shy as when I was 16!
I don't know what to do. Everytime I try to talk to someone I like I get so worried about telegraphing that I like them that I become so focused in hiding my feelings.
I'm 32 for crying out loud. Why is it so hard to talk to people I like.
Is that normal? Has anyone else been that shy and what should I do.
 lovinng
Joined: 2/25/2007
Msg: 2
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/24/2007 8:30:33 PM
I can't say that I have any personal experience with this issue other then I have a daughter like that. I watch her struggle lots with this issue and I have tried to tell her just to be herself but I know that is easier said then done. I can tell you though that it is normal to be that shy. I dated a guy like that. He was so shy that when we went on our first date finally he brought our mutual friend incase he didn't know what to say or felt uncomfortable. So maybe you just need to find a girl/woman who understands that.
 DonInVictoria
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 3
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/24/2007 8:35:21 PM
If you're that shy, you probably need to go at it in much smaller steps and stages. Instead of tackling the biggest challenge for any of us, speaking to someone we like, start with stranger (even the checkout girl at the grocer's) and strike up passing conversations. Just exchange an extra remark or two for starters.

For goodness' sake, you're worrying about 'telegraphing that you like them'? Gad, there's hardly anything they're going to find more appealing (no matter what you say, and besides, it's more 'how' you say it that counts). A neutral, studied expression is just going to head you in the direction of being a shy and old, lonely man, imo. Drop some or most of your reserve and you'll save a lot of time all around.

Consider joining your local ToastMasters' club, if there's one in your area (their reason for being is public speaking, practicing in front of others -- if you become better at talking in front of several others, you'll likely do better one on one with someone you like).

I don't know what to do. Everytime I try to talk to someone I like I get so worried about telegraphing that I like them that I become so focused in hiding my feelings.
I'm 32 for crying out loud. Why is it so hard to talk to people I like.
Is that normal? Has anyone else been that shy and what should I do.
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 4
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/24/2007 8:48:29 PM
Thank you for the replies.
I think I have insecurity issues.
I guess I need to risk showing that I like someone even though I fear they'll stop treating me the same. If someone I like appears to like me as well, I get scared that if I reveal my feelings through my words and actions that they'll treat me differently. In the past I've had two people I thought like me grow distant when I told them I liked them.
I guess I am showing a fear of rejection and need to overcome that.
 DonInVictoria
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 5
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/24/2007 8:55:55 PM
Well, then, how does this sound?

1. tell them you like them through your behaviour, not through words

2. tell them you like them, after they've first said something along those lines to you

In the past I've had two people I thought like me grow distant when I told them I liked them.

Showing, and saying, are two very different things. "saying it" puts them on the spot, and may require exquisite timing to bring it off successfully.

I guess I need to risk showing that I like someone even though I fear they'll stop treating me the same. If someone I like appears to like me as well, I get scared that if I reveal my feelings through my words and actions that they'll treat me differently.
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 6
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/24/2007 9:05:12 PM
DonInVictoria, that's some good advice.
It's got me thinking about things. That's good.
I'll take some time to think all this over and soon I'll try it out.
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 7
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/24/2007 11:01:58 PM
Oh noes! It looks like this thread my be deleted? It was just for advice on shyness!
At least keep DonInVictoria's advice up there. The more I think about it, the more I think it was very good advice and I feel others might find it useful as well.
 db1otw
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 8
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/24/2007 11:23:53 PM
Watch the movie the 40 year old virgin and ask yourself if you want to be that guy in eight years.

How many action figures do you have??
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 9
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/24/2007 11:31:16 PM
No action figures yet.
My hobby is chatting online. I have no problem chatting online at all.
It's the whole internet anonymity thang I reckon.
 DigitalRtist
Joined: 3/20/2006
Msg: 10
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32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/24/2007 11:56:17 PM
Now you say that you are fine online chatting to women but not offline? How about women you've chatted with online for a bit and THEN met in person offline? Same thing being shy or no?

For me, I was horribly shy to the degree you are, but then something happened as a result of my shyness for the worst that kinda shocked me out of it and to being more myself and open than I was before.
I still admit with some people whom are new, I can be a bit shy, but I've overcome that for the most part. They aren't going to tell you off or be mean to you afterall, and if they ever were then they weren't worth seeing anyhow. I think you'll find it's worry and paranoia on rejection that's on your mind more than anything.

As to why I asked if you were shy with girls whom you've spoken with online and then met offline, is that I find magically I'm not shy at all when it comes down to meeting someone in person that I've chatted with online.
I think it all comes down to you seeking "permission" from the other person or something and you don't want to deal with outright rejection maybe?

And for a great free resource on the web, google search for "David DeAngelo" and get his free monthly newsletter or read his double your dating page, it will give you a few tips and tricks to try out to help you with shyness and other dating related worries. No need to buy his DVDs or E-books, his advice in the free newsletters is all you truly need for inspiration on overcoming shyness and the like.

Good luck on getting over the shyness, it's not as easy as some may think to do.
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 11
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/25/2007 12:14:12 AM
Wow, thanks for that tip DigitalRtist.
I subscribed to that newsletter and read some of that sight. There's quite a bit of questions asked there that I've been wondering my whole life. lol
Such as the 'does she want to be kissed'. One of my friends once told me that my last girlfriend kept asking why I hadn't kissed her yet. I honestly was constantly wondering if she wanted me to kiss her. That's how clueless I was.
That's an interesting site. Thanks so much.
 Dreaming_of_You
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 13
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32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/25/2007 8:24:47 AM
The best advice I can give you is to go out A LOT with women you think are attractive, but don't like.

Call it casual dating if you will.

This will make you feel comfortable being around attractive woman so that when you do find someone you really like a lot, it won't affect you nearly as much and you'll instinctively be able to handle it.

Also, I read this one interesting study (haven't tried it though) where they had people who would show their teeth and smile in the mirror for 20 minutes a day and...

Within a year they all became very confident/depressionless people.

Can't hurt... at the very least you will smile more often and be more comfortable with the idea of yourself being happy.
 DonInVictoria
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 14
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/25/2007 3:48:28 PM
We need to be real, to be ourselves, else a match-up becomes truly chance once we're hiding our true nature (as how could anyone know what they're getting with us, if they can't see our true nature? we're as likely as not, going to drive away the best candidates through such fictions).

But if we've a major personality charcteristic that's hampering us, we do need to change, at least somewhat, our behaviour and attitude to better adapt to our settings and circumstances. I'd not describe this so much as playing a role, but, learning a role -- and making it so much a part of our repertoire that after a while it becomes a component of our true nature.

As we think, so we become.

msg 20 > If you try to "fix" your shyness by learning to act out a role, as some have suggested, then I think you will reduce your chances of meeting someone who is actually in harmony with you -- miss out on the chance of a gentle relationship with someone who understands your way of being.
 db1otw
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 15
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/25/2007 7:50:48 PM

First off people love to talk about themselves so all you have to do to get a conversation going is to show interest and ask questions about the person your with and then sit back and enjoy the lecture :)


What if they are too shy to talk about themselves???
 S.A.S.H.A.
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 16
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/25/2007 8:50:33 PM

I just turned 32 recently and have found that I'm just as shy as when I was 16!
I don't know what to do. Everytime I try to talk to someone I like I get so worried about telegraphing that I like them that I become so focused in hiding my feelings.
I'm 32 for crying out loud. Why is it so hard to talk to people I like.
Is that normal? Has anyone else been that shy and what should I do.


Aww, I've known a fair share of shy men like you. They hid their feelings for me until I found out years later when it was too late. Pity, too, because I thought they were adorable. Good luck.
 Cheerful_Trousers
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 17
32 and still very shy
Posted: 4/25/2007 9:24:00 PM
Maybe its about time to see a professional. Not being a jerk, I mean, lots of people go to shrinks for a multitude of issues, some alot more serious than shyness. But if its affecting how you feel about yourself, then I think its time to take serious action.
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 18
32 and still very shy
Posted: 5/1/2007 10:58:25 PM
Actually Happy Pants you may be right.
I went to my doctor about insomnia and talked about my growing anxieties over talking to people. I started getting abdominal pains everyday too.
All that added up and my doctor thinks I may have anxiety problems, specifically social anxiety. Looks like I have I'll be seeing the doctor alot more now.
 lifesshort03
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 19
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History
32 and still very shy
Posted: 5/8/2007 8:56:41 PM
Wondering if you might have some social anxiety disorder? Have you checked into therapy?
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > 32 and still very shy