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 aspie2u
Joined: 4/27/2007
Msg: 1
Asperger's SyndromePage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Do any men or women on this site have Asperger's Syndrome and have difficulty with relationships and/or sex? How does it affect you??

I have Asperger's Syndrome and I have never had a girlfriend before and I have tried everything even internet dating.
 ecaepydal
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 2
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 5/15/2007 8:50:28 PM
Hi,
I admire you're courage and fortitude, believe me, dating is complicated for everyone.

My friend's son has Asperger's and he is lovely. He just operates with a different perspective (why should there be only one?).

You communicate really well, better than some w/o Asperger's! Just keep doing what you're doing. Sometimes it takes awhile, keep the faith.
 BassThunderGuy
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 3
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 5/30/2007 11:38:17 PM
My little brother who is 17 has this as well..I notice when I joke around with him and urge him to leave his shell he becomes more social, there's always the inward struggle, you must surround yourself with people who bring the best in you out in the open.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 4
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/1/2007 8:59:56 AM
Yes. I would guess my peers started dating at about age 15, which is 32 years ago. I've probably had 15-25 first dates, less than 10 second dates and 1 LTR. I didn't realise what was wrong until about 4-5 years ago. One girl I talked to on another site with Asperger's got married last year.

Eye contact seems to be a big thing in dating. I have found that it is easier to force myself to maintain longer eye contact if the light level is lower. In bright sunshine it is very difficult. In the past I would usually look away by looking down (floor). Busty women usually (or it seems to me to be usually) interpret this as staring at their chest. So, I've learned that if I have to look away, to look a bit upward and the the side.
 talksalot02
Joined: 6/7/2007
Msg: 5
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/16/2007 6:10:38 AM
I had a friend with asperger's. She had been misdiagnosed for years, with everything from schizophrenia to schizoid personality disorder, and put on a lot of meds that made her psychotic. She got off the meds, and is doing well. Her only problem is that she will argue you to death on a point that makes absolutely no logical sense to anyone but herself. She had problems with going back to college, because she didn't take instruction well...always had a "better way" to do something she was instructed to do, which turned out to be erroneous, and she argued with professors about it. They recommended she not be readmitted, because she wasn't teachable.

Anyway, socially, she's sort of strange. She seems to pick the weirdest people to interact with, and picks men with the biggest personality flaws. I guess their flaws seem to make her feel less different, or superior in some way to them. She's a "caretaker" type of person, and seems to take in the dregs of society and try to make them into something. She's never succeeded, as they tend to drag her down with them. Sometimes I think she sort of takes what she can get, because so called "normal" people think she's strange, and her dating pool is rather limited because of it.

I feel very sorry for her, because she is a wonderful, giving person, but she just doesn't see things from a rational perspective, and this has caused her a lot of pain. Not being able to make the world see where she is coming from, or make it change to think the way she does, makes her break down from time to time and have to be hospitalized. She is also OCD, so that is an added burden.

She spends days at a time rearranging everything in her house because it "isn't right yet". She hasn't gotten it right in 10 years.

The reason our friendship ended is a mystery to me. Because of her skewed perception of events, she saw something I did as being horrific to her (to this day, I don't know what it was), and just abruptly ended it with a phone call. Had to do with a man. She tends to push people out of her life when she is in a relationship, or push people away because the man in her life doesn't like them. Like all aspies, she is very gullible and naive, and can be easily manipulated by men, which ends up with her losing more than she gains.

She has lost everything she had a couple of times now, and been taken for large amounts of money by people who saw her as someone easily manipulated because of her need for love and acceptance.

It's sad, really.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 6
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/16/2007 8:18:33 AM
I really doubt a book is going to help with something like dating. Maybe for normals. I've bought several books (for normals) over the years, and nothing in them really seems to be anything I can work with. So much of dating seems to be involved with non-verbal signals. I've read lots of profiles on dating sites and articles about dating that mention women who couldn't believe some guy just didn't respond to her signals. What signals??? I haven't a clue if upon entering a room, or being in a room for some length of time, if anyone finds me interesting. So then, if one is interested in trying to find someone to date, it is just pick someone at random. Maybe others can tell someone who is married/dating from those who are single, I am terrible at it. Wedding rings aren't reliable, too many married people not wearing them, too many single people who are wearing them. The biggest problem for me is lack of feedback. I know going into some situation that I am likely to do something wrong, but without feedback how is one ever to get better?

I've more or less given up on the dating thing, maybe one can find friends. Occasionally one sees someone intelligent who might be a good friend. Even if their IQ as high as ours, or higher, things can still get screwed up. They probably have a social life. We probably don't (or maybe it is just me, I don't know). Consequently I'm always studying something (or so it seems). If two people with the same IQ spend differing amounts of time studying, there will eventually be a difference in how much they know about the topic being studied. Some people seem to be insulted by the idea that this knowledge divergence can occur. IQ is about potential, it has to be used. If one person spends more time using it than another, they can file away more information. Or so it seems.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 7
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/16/2007 8:26:27 AM
Hey talksalot02, could it be lying? I know I once had to talk to my Mom about this. Like a lot of women, she doesn't like hurting someone's feelings. So, if I ask the question, "Do I snore?", she usually would respond no. Well, going on soccer tournaments quickly brought the truth out, yes I snore. Anyway, what I had to tell Mom, is that I really did want her to tell me the truth, regardless of what I asked. Otherwise, I have to analyse everything because I need to figure out if it is the truth or not. One of my sisters is very honest, but I've grown into the situation where I really don't ask her anything any more. While she always tells the truth, she would hardly ever tell you enough, to give you the information you needed to figure out whatever it was you asked the question about. Which I've found almost as annoying as people who occasionally tell the truth and occasionally lie. At least some people are consistent on what they lie about, so you learn to never ask them questions in that topic. But chronic liars and random liars I usually grow into avoiding at (almost) all costs.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 8
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/16/2007 8:32:50 AM
I once had a pair of glasses which changed tint according to light levels, but I had never got them for that purpose. I always thought that was deceptive, which goes against the need for honesty that drives me.

I first learned about Asperger's Syndrome from a thread on Slashdot about Geek Syndrome. It is quite likely for Aspie's to end up in engineering, or computer science. The typical engineering disciplines they gravitate to are electrical, electronic, computer and mechanical. I've never met another Aspie in Materials Science and Engineering (my specialisation, sort of, also have nuclear and IT). One thing from that Slashdot thread, was that in places where there is a lot of "high tech" like Silicon Valley, places where NASA has big facilities, etc., it often ends up that both the man and woman in a marriage were Aspies. One of the crushing statistics from that situation was that the probability of them having a child with difficult to severe Autism is really high. I believe the number reported was more than 50%. The cost to the social system in these high tech communities from treating all the Autistic children was huge.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 9
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/19/2007 6:07:04 PM
In elementary school, recess was largely me running away from a gang of about 15. I did become very good at running, and picked soccer for a sport. Not having as good a balance as people of similar fitness, probably pushed me to the strength side of things. I am still VERY strong in general, with some deficiencies.

With respect to fixing my problems goes, I think that Asperger's has given me things that nobody else has. Who else can look at a file of numbers 100,000 lines long, and see that patterns he is looking for? I've sort of adapted to having Asperger's without knowing it. Changing jobs is a HUGE problem, which I would rather not confront. If I found another job which would last to retirement, that would be wonderful. I'm sure I could make a shitload of money for someone. Finding a mate is probably impossible. But since I've already lived about half of my life with respect to relationships, without having found someone I don't see that continuing in this manner is a problem.

On the relationship side, there are so many "idiots" starting families, I wonder about why I shouldn't try. I'm smart, which seems to be a given. My resting heart rate has been in the 40's or lower, most of my life. I'm way stronger than I should be (bench almost 400, leg press about 1100). If one ignores this Asperger's thing, I have qualities which the human race can use.

But, if one can't develop a relationship with the females, it's really all just a philosophical discussion. And I wish all that follow in my footsteps, or even just see my footsteps, all the luck in the world!

Gord
 starwonder
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 10
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:32:02 PM
Yes, I have it but haven't really had any problems with dating. I started dating when I was 13. It didn't go over well at first, as even in "normal" people you're not quite mature at that age. It only affects those with aspergers if they haven't been tought proper social skills yet. You need to have the right social skills in order to hold a proper intimate relationship with someone. The one thing that has helped me over the last few years, is that I've been pushing myself literally into social situations and talking to new people. I've literally had to force myself out of my seat to go over to talk to someone I didn't know. My worst fear is people judging me. I have no idea if someone is judging me prior to me talking to them, so it's reallt hard for me to make new friends at times. My advice, just work on pushing yourself into social situations and get to know others around you. Try sticking to more "visual" situations rather than over the net. It will help you with being more social as you're face to face with the people.
 dragonLL
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 11
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:26:52 PM
I am a mother of a son with asperger's . After taking him to see specialist after specialist we finally got the diagonis just months before he turned 16. He will be 18 in a week. When I started to read up on it,, his life finally made sense. Everything we had gone through for 16 years, made sense. Unfortunately my husband/his father was unaware of any of this because he was suffering from mulitple strokes from his diabeits and didn't even know our names. My son is also diabetic and this with the aspergers can make life interesting to say the least. Now he wants to get a job,, but its not as easy as going to Mac Donalds and getting a job. He has problems with being in the place to order food, let alone work there. One time there was a opening for someone to dress in the easter bunny costume at the mall. And he loves little kids, so he did it,, and he really was able to open up and enjoyed himself. Behind the mask,, he was able to play!
 Just_me_Vee
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 12
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 7/1/2007 5:54:48 PM
I've dated a guy with Aspergers syndrome and it was sad because he didn't tell me that he had it. One tell tell sign to me was that he would NEVER look me in my eye, it was so odd because I find it so hard to talk to someone without looking into their eyes. He would always be so worried that he was saying or doing the wrong thing, or if he was going too fast and I would have to reassure him that he wasn't. I noticed that he never really had friends but my thinking was that he was shy. I found out about it in my psychology class and I read up on it and asked him about it and he said that he was diagnosed when he was 15 with it and he was so ashamed about it. We're still good friends to this day and he is dating someone else, I'm so happy for him!
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 13
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 7/1/2007 7:34:35 PM


I've dated a guy with Aspergers syndrome and it was sad because he didn't tell me that he had it. One tell tell sign to me was that he would NEVER look me in my eye, it was so odd because I find it so hard to talk to someone without looking into their eyes. He would always be so worried that he was saying or doing the wrong thing, or if he was going too fast and I would have to reassure him that he wasn't. I noticed that he never really had friends but my thinking was that he was shy. I found out about it in my psychology class and I read up on it and asked him about it and he said that he was diagnosed when he was 15 with it and he was so ashamed about it. We're still good friends to this day and he is dating someone else, I'm so happy for him!


A lot of things that are either Autism or seem to be, come as a spectrum. I have found that lower light levels allow me to look people in the eye for longer periods of time than bright light. Maybe this might work for him?
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 14
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 7/6/2007 6:08:16 PM
Yup. Took until I was 30 to realise that I had it. Still trying to get myself diagnosed. Even did a test online, which gave me 37/50, 50 being fully Autistic. Even did a test for Autism when I was 9, but I passed it, as Asperger's was not really well-known back then, less than Autism.

But one thing I have learned to do is conscious analysis of automatic processes, like social behaviour. I have to figure out what other people take for granted, and do it manually, while others do it automatically. Takes a long time to learn, but it's worth it in the long run.

Take lying. I now know to treat verbal statements like I would take a written statement in a book. But now that I understand that I can read and absorb the info like a sponge, and figure out the inconsistencies faster than most, I use the same techniques to figure out if other people are lying. Still practising at it, but it's getting better with age.

Eventually, I'll get it. Hope you do too, Fortran. The key is to realise that social language and non-verbal behaviour is just another language, just like a computer language. And since the programs used are much less intelligent than your average computer program, they are easier to understand. The key is context: everything MUST be taken into context of the space and time, like a program is dependent on the variables and parameters used at the time and program space of the program being run.

I also use the Scientific Method to figure things out: trial and experimentation with recording of results and later analysis. Very painful, but possible.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 15
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 7/7/2007 8:19:48 AM
Maybe programming in perl will end up being therapy too! :-) (Perl was designed by a linguist, not a computer scientist. Context is important there.)

If I need to buy something, and sales geeks will be involved, all I've done in the past is research the item to death before going to the store. Then I have enough information to tell when the sales geek is lying.

But the biggest problem is lack of feedback. I would like to try trial and error (aka brute force), but without feedback it is not very effective.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 16
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 7/7/2007 8:34:37 AM

But the biggest problem is lack of feedback. I would like to try trial and error (aka brute force), but without feedback it is not very effective.
I used to have that problem too. People in social situations don't give you feedback. What you get is results.

Unfortunately, that doesn't explain the why. To get that, I found the best way was to ask a woman in a committed relationship. She doesn't feel threatened that if you know the secrets of women, that you'll come to use them against her.

That's why it's good to read the forums, and ask questions of men and women:
Men will tell you what works and doesn't work, and how to change your reactions to fit.
Women will tell you how they would have felt in that situation, and how the woman probably feels.
Just post as much as you can, read books, and experiment.

For example: I was interested in a woman. I asked her out, and she said that "she wasn't looking for a relationship." A woman friend who was living with her partner, told me that "she wasn't looking for a relationship WITH ME!". Turned out, she was seeing people, just not me. So, just remember, everything a woman says to you, is normally in context: "I like people who read", means: "I know you read, which means YOU".

For example: Some books recommend smiling.
1) Spend the morning smiling at EVERYONE. Then the afternoon frowning.
2) Mark the reactions of everyone you come across: women you pass in the street, women you serve you in a shop, or a restaurant. Give each one a score out of 10, in terms of how they reacted, and write it down in a cubicle in the toilet, when no-one is looking. Then total up the 1s 2s, etc.
Keep a separate list for the men.
3) Repeat each day, alternating morning and evening, for a few months.
4) Each week, review the totals. Consider if you had better reactions or worse reactions based on where you were, or the type of woman you were dealing with, her relationship to you (family, friend, bystander, waitress, potential date, etc.).

All that should give you a MASSIVE amount of data to collate and use. Then you have a good idea of how much a smile will help or not. And sometimes it can really help.

For example: Read up on body language. Pay attention to how people hold themselves in public, and see if it fits. Then keep it in mind with you and someone else. Watch people: you learn if the body language works.

More $0.02
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 17
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 7/8/2007 11:04:53 AM
The Globe and Mail (newspaper in Canada) had a blurb this last week about possible causes of Autism. This latest expert was talking about Vitamin D deficiency during pregnancy. I think there are a bunch of different things getting lumped together, so it might be a cause in some people. Slashdot usually picks up threads about Asperger's since that news site has so many readers with it. However, there is so much noise in those threads that is just nonsense, that it is hard to find anything useful there.

I've never had problems that I would attribute to migraines or migraine like headaches. Depression, yes. But talking with another Aspie, it is entirely possible the depression being forced on us by society is most of the problem. Taking drugs (which is what his doctor is talking about) doesn't seem to help. Being depressed because of feedback loops in our metabolism might be something drugs help with. I would much rather go to the gym and get some exercise. And this also helps for the depression forced on us from outside. Ever play handball? Spend 20 minutes hitting a ball into a wall, it's a good way to burn off some steam. I would imagine boxing with a heavy bag would be too.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 18
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:22:03 AM
I've run into a few other Aspies (online), and read about others. It is not unusual for someone to manifest more than 1 problem. For instance, I know someone who is an Aspie and has ADD. Even with Asperger's, there degree of affliction can vary a lot, or be different for different symptoms.

In some social circumstances, I find it easy to talk to others. Some circumstances are difficult. But I never seem to have a hidden agenda. It seems the difficult situations almost require these hidden agenda to be present. For example, I can talk to someone about cooking if I know they have an interest in cooking. But to talk to someone about cooking because they are attractive doesn't seem to work.

To me, Asperger's just explains a bunch of weak points I have. Knowing that I am weak in certain ways, I can protect myself a bit better. If I won the lottery, maybe a person could devote the time (and hence money) to fixing things. At present, I just have to live with it.
 rara_avis77
Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 19
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 1/19/2008 5:34:46 PM
I have Asperger's Syndrome. Sometimes it is very frustrating. This on-line dating is just too difficult- it's like winning the lottery and I have no clue how to ask a girl out in real life. Social skills are just something that we're expected to know instinctively and of course this extremely unfair to people with Asperger's Syndrome. Sometimes I do worry that I'll be alone my whole life. I just don't know how to form a close relationship with somebody.
 WesternRose
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 20
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 1/19/2008 7:59:47 PM
My eldest daughter is a high functioning Aspie.... I worry about her, she will start high school in Sept.

The lack of eye contact and her inability to read emotional signals from others has hampered her social development, very common for Aspies.

I have to get her to go out and socialize more and to just be able to initate conversation.

I for one would like to know how many out there are just shy?..or are like Aspies and unable to socialize, they do not have the skills or the ability to understand the skills.

I think group activities are the way to go... a hiking group, a art class, a drop in sports group.... anywhere where you can go as a single and meet other singles...don't go with the determination to find a girlfriend or a partner....just go...get use to going out more and give others an opportunity to you meet you in a group setting.

good luck to you.
 rara_avis77
Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 21
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 1/20/2008 2:21:58 PM

don't go with the determination to find a girlfriend or a partner....just go...get use to going out more and give others an opportunity to you meet you in a group setting.


Sorry but I disagree with this advice. I have AS and I've tried that. It didn't work, it doesn't get you any more than friends with a girl. You have to have the determination to tell a girl you're interested in her or nothing will ever happen. I don't know if the reverse is true for females with AS since it is the man who is usually expected to initiate a relationship. I think that women with AS may have the advantage of at least being asked by a few guys if they're decent looking. I don't know how old the OP is but if he's like me, late 20s or early 30s than you start to get desperate when things just aren't happening. Therefore it's very difficult not to have on your mind the determination to find a parter when almost have of your life is gone and you still haven't experienced a relationship- something most people take for granted.
 rara_avis77
Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 22
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 1/20/2008 4:14:42 PM
OP, I think it may actually be beneficial to mention that you have AS in your profile or even put it in your interests. This is what I did on my profile and I'm hoping that it will get me responses from women who either have AS or are not judgmental about it. This way I'm hoping to weed out all the women who wouldn't want to date someone with AS anyway.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 23
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 2/14/2008 12:15:52 PM
Well, that was I suppose interesting.

I guess I just crashed and burned with someone not involved with POF. From my point of view, I had been asked to provide a comprehensive answer to an ambiguous question. Not answering the question did not seem to be an option. I know how to comprehensively answer a question that is not ambiguous, so I guessed at what the question was and got it horribly wrong. Crash and burn ensued. But before that, I really came to realize that I should try to avoid people who flirt if I am just looking for friends, which was my goal. Part of the reason I mis-guessed what the specific question was, was because of this flirting. Well, she said it was flirting, t0 me some of it was and some of it I missed entirely. Maybe half/half each way.

But with two different people now, just in trying to be friends, I am finding that even if I try to be careful with what I am writing, that people still have a tendency to misunderstand my intentions and meaning.

Equations are so much easier to work with.

Oh well, hopefully the rest of you Aspies are doing better than me. :-)
 highincidence
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 24
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 2/14/2008 6:01:28 PM
Regarding making eye contact...
I'm pretty shy and get insanely nervous sometimes- like doing public speaking, or going to job interviews....
I had an instructor in college tell me something borderline life changing: Look 'em in the nose. Seriously. If you can't maintain eye contact, focus on the upper bridge of their nose... Nobody realizes that you aren't making eye contact. Just don't stare at the one point like a deer in headlights or something... You can alternate with looking between their eyebrows too... LOL
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 25
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 2/14/2008 6:13:11 PM
What happens if they only have one eyebrow? :-)

I typically find myself looking at the floor. However, it seems that with some people (certain kinds of women) that gets misinterpreted too. So, I developed an alternate of looking over their shoulder to the side. Depending on how close they are, I don't know if I could focus on the bridge of their nose.
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