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 nowwhat
Joined: 11/17/2006
Msg: 1
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Dating is new to me, so bear with me. I'm a newly divorced man 41 yrs. old. Dated a girl who was really nice for a while and things got intimate. I considered us an exclusive couple, until she was asked out by a long lost friend. She didn't cheat on me but let me know that she would still date other guys because we weren't engaged. She also made it a point to inform me that she doesn't have sex with these guys. Only to me whom she considered special. We are no longer a couple but are good friends - so there is no ill feelings towards each other. But I always "assumed" that dating ends when sex starts. Others have told me that there is even an implied commitment on the second date? and others even state the no sex before marriage thing - and still a commitment not to date others? What do u think?
 UnzippedPassion
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 2
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Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 5/23/2007 8:40:54 AM
Communication is the most important thing in any relationship.

Because everyone is unique with their own ideas and opinions, it's best to discuss how you both interpret various stages of a relationship so there's no doubt in anyone's mind as to what's expected to determine where you stand as far as commitment to each other goes.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 3
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Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 5/23/2007 8:55:48 AM
Some people assume you are exclusive from day 1.
Some do not think sex means anything.

The only way you know for sure is to ask.
It is useful in life to set the ground rules early on.
Doesn't matter what they are, as long as you set them and both agree with them.
You can both change them later by mutual consent.
Just avoids getting hurt because of a misunderstanding.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 4
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 5/23/2007 9:18:21 AM
OP, don't ever assume anything about anything...especially when it comes to relationships. If you plan to get intimate with someone, then you should be discussing things *before* that happens...such as both of your expectations of what your relationship is, dating, exclusivity, etc.

You may feel that if you're sleeping together, then you don't date or sleep with anyone else, while she may think she can do what she wants until there's an engagement ring on her finger (personally, being initmate means a lot more than a ring, IMO...And if I'm sleeping with someone I sure as heck am not out dating anyone else - regardless of the fact that I wouldn't be sleeping with them...And no way would I be sleeping with anyone else if I'm doing that with one person - and he better not be either).

I feel that if two people go on a date (and I'm talking with no intimacy taking place) then that's all it is - a date...and until two people state that they don't want to date anyone but each other, then they're both free to do whatever they want. But if two people are going to be intimate with each other, they better have communicating things to each other before anything happens...or someone is liable to get hurt because they have different expectations. This is true even if two people date and sleep with each other and want to do that with others (not something I prefer, but others do) - as long as they both agree on what their expectations are, and are honest about them, then what they do is their business. It's when people *don't* communicate that problems arise.
 ketch
Joined: 8/24/2006
Msg: 6
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 5/23/2007 9:26:25 AM
Once upon a time dating meant taking the same person out every Saturday night, and going to the dances, and the proms and eventually going steady. (This was before sex.)

However the rules have so completely changed that I don't think anyone knows what the rules are. I'm not even sure that I know what dating is.

I agree with most of the posters here. The starting point is communications and avoid assumptions. Only by stating your positions and listening to each other can two people figure out what is going on.

In the meantime, let's enjoy the fishing.

Ketch
 2matchingsocks
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 7
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 5/23/2007 7:43:40 PM
I don't think the words "implied" and "commitment" even belong in the same sentence. If this is something that's important to you, you really should have this conversation BEFORE things get intimate. Knowing that things sometimes get carried away, certainly it should be discussed very shortly after.
 Doelvzbttrflz
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 8
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 5/23/2007 8:54:51 PM
assume= ass-u-me!

OP- never make assumptions about anything, especially, this topic. This is where I have discovered that lots of people make mistakes. ( Insert broken heart here!)

If you only get intimate with people that you are in an exclusive relationship with, then that should be a discussion that you have before doing the deed!
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 9
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 5/24/2007 2:53:10 PM
"Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?"

Obviously not. After being married most of my life - the gals I went out with consider sex just part of the date.

I don’t so - no more casual dating for me.
 purplerobin
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 10
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 5/29/2007 8:08:47 AM
nowwhat,

I assumed that twice with 2 different men. But I guess they didn't think that way as they still solicit other love interest over the internet. Yes, I was a fool. And anybody who says that communication and agreement is the key, no need to tell me. I know NOW :)
 New-to-City
Joined: 5/17/2007
Msg: 11
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 7:16:05 AM
For the most part there is an implied commitment between to people once they reach the point to were sex is part of it, but it most definitely is not always the case, some people feel that sex is just sex, and its nothing more then some harmless fun..
I have always made sure that myself and my partner were on the same page when it came to that point. I know I don't want to share her with anyone else in that way, so just make sure she feels the same..
 SlingDad
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 12
Dating & Exclusivity
Posted: 6/3/2007 7:47:41 AM
Being single since 2004 after 15 years, yeah, dating is open to interpretation.

I've 'gone out' with a few, but that didn't mean sleeping with whomever I was out with.

For a lot of people, it seems, dating & sex are synonymous these days. If I'm not feeling any kind of real connection, I decline or certainly don't pursue.
 Indigo rose
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 13
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 9:13:03 AM
It depends on the head space of either person. I believe that with women more so than men it is assumed that sex forms a bond. Thats why people should be very up front before the sheets are pulled down. Unfortunately, honesty does hinder ones success at getting laid, but, for those of us with a conscience its the only way to go.


you nailed it big boy!!! I said NAILED...har!!
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
YES

 New-to-City
Joined: 5/17/2007
Msg: 15
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 10:08:50 AM
Dating ends when marriage begins, otherwise, there really is no "commitment". Getting "intimate" is great, but it can surely lead to lots of hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and resentment.

This quote thing never works for me lol..
I don't agree that without marriage there is no commitment.. You can commit whole heartedly to the one your with with being married to them, for some that piece of paper is very important, but is just that a piece of paper, the commitment in the relationship is the promises you make to each other , not the church or the state or god, but the one your with..
 TroyMcLure
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 18
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 11:50:32 AM
there is for me
i like to finish what i have started
but i havent felt women play by these rules...
 Petruchio
Joined: 4/27/2007
Msg: 19
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 12:00:47 PM
Yeh, you leave the 20 bucks on the nightstand.
 GuitarGuy_
Joined: 3/15/2007
Msg: 20
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 12:14:43 PM

You can't ASSUME anything! & you might want to resolve the ground rules BEFORE you jump into bed if you're concerned about commitment and being exclusive. IMHO


I agree, you should state what is what and where everything stands.
 camancheiaman1
Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 21
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 1:50:02 PM
It varies. To many, if they are not engaged or married, they have the God given right to go out with others. I've had the experience to have this done also, even though I am the kind that once I am dating a girl, I would NOT go out with another, it is called respect to the other person's feeling. When I met a woman that did this, it was over right then and there. Obviously, this is NOT the kind of woman I wanted in my life. But that is me and my ways. Others see it differently. U will find one that is like you in time, one that don't show disrespect to you and will treat you like you should be. (Good luck in America) Personally, if I had one do this to me, I would find it hard to be a friend after that, due to the feeling of being "pooped" on. If that is the best she can do to me, then she isn't worth the time of day....Sorry~
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 22
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 1:56:52 PM
Now what; Never make an assumption - you know who gets bit in the a$$ on this one.

Personally, I dont get intimate with many people as (I have not met enough men I would really consider getting naked with - lol) so, to me that is extremely special and so is the man I choose to be intimate with as I am not into casual sex or interested in having a f*ckbuddy.

When intimacy enters the picture, I have my own personal understanding of how this person really is, how special they are and I know what the emotional connection is between us on my end. When sex does happen at this special time, the need to talk about it after we are both dressed is important (forget about it until the cuddling and napping is over). Its important to talk about what was great or not so great, but also what the expectations are now that things have changed between us. To me, there is nothing more freeing than open communication. If/when the next sexual encounter happens it only gets better from here, once communication is part of it.

I dont sleep around and if I am intimate with one man, end the relationship before becoming intimate with someone else. Same goes for dating if the relationship is exclusive and the mutual decision to not see other people has been discussed and agreed upon.

Cant be any easier than that. Its all in the communication.
 Quest for Love
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 23
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 2:31:18 PM
in my view, if a man gets physical with a woman, merely kissing, then its just become an exclusive relationship. it would be my expectation and demand, that all other women have to be let go at that point. actually, i'd expect them to be let go before that point. he'd have two weeks to let everyone else know, he's with me from here on out. no kissing in the meantime till its done. everyone, meaning, the first on the list to be notified would be the ladies he'd been dating before and while he'd been going out with me and whom he just met. after that two week period, next on the list, he'd tell his guy buddies he has a girlfriend and would introduce me the following week. there's a lot that goes into dating me :)


i cannot be with a guy who is sleeping around.
 Quest for Love
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 24
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 3:27:00 PM
.

I have learned to make it perfectly crystal clear to a woman before I even consider meeting her for a simple cup of coffee, that I have no desire to waste time with a serial dater, I am not a dinner vending machine for her evenings entertainment, I only date one person at a time, and I am not interested in someone who has a different guy scheduled for every other day of the week, and most importantly that if we are going to sleep together, I damn well better be the only person she intends to be sleeping with anytime soon, or she can go find someone else to play "reindeer games" with. I am nobody's one night stand, nobody's FWB or anybody's "Side dish". Steak doesn't settle for being anything less than the Main Course, and I ain't no small potatoes to be trifled with.


Have fun ;)!


op...i don't reccommend thorn's approach. he doesn't even know the woman he is planning to meet for coffee so it is very disrespectful of him to talk to her like this. he is gunning for a commitment/sex from a coffee date with a stranger. one coffee date is not a commitment. and it is arrogant and disrespectful to talk to a woman or to say what your expectations are in the way he just did. all he did was insult the woman by implying she is this kind of woman. wow he really thinks women will have sex with him for the price of a starbucks coffee...

his speech is creepy

actually what he is saying is if she doesn't plan on sleeping with him in the very near future don't even bother to meet him.
 RapunzelRapunzel
Joined: 5/18/2005
Msg: 25
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 3:51:06 PM
That sort of arrangement should always be stated directly. No guesswork. About two weeks into dating very regularly my current boyfriend asked me to let him know if I wanted to see other people. I asked if he meant he did not want me to and he said although he felt it was too soon to make such demands, he would appreciate being informed if I was seeing others at the same time. Then a week or so later, knowing neither of us were seeing anyone else I just point blank asked if he wanted to be exclusive, and he did . . .so we are!

The rules these days are all the old rules are gone. There are as many types of relationships as there are types of folks. It's always better to ask if you are not sure what the status is. Second date is way too soon, but once you are comfortable with the person then just ask about game rules. Asking isn't demanding. It's just gathering information you deserve to know.

Good luck in the big bad world of dating!

Rap
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 26
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 3:59:44 PM
Thorn I totally agree with you and I find not enough men or women consider themselves as "steak". I share your thought on that one as I am also not interested in being a number or notch on a bedpost.

Its very refreshing to hear from men who feel this way. Good for you.
 pallyboy
Joined: 4/4/2006
Msg: 28
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 10:50:43 PM
Never assume. If you want something in a releationship make sure it's clear, and agreed on. Sex is not the cement that secures a releationship,....it's the iceing that makes it sweeter.
 fancynan60
Joined: 7/9/2006
Msg: 29
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 6/3/2007 10:54:06 PM
To assume anything is irresponsible...the lack of communication leads to many small and big worldly issues and consequences.
 mystifiedu
Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 32
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/12/2007 10:33:41 PM
Having sex means I'm emotionally ,spiritually, physically , committing myself--I'm not into this sleeping around business either .How can you commit yourself to another person if you're still seeing other people after the two of you have decided to take this step ? I don't understand some people's mentalty of " what is right and wrong "
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