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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!      Home login  
Joined: 1/10/2007
Msg: 6
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Nice to know that's what I have to look forward to Carolyn. :P
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 9
view profile
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/2/2007 2:36:29 PM
OP: if you are worried about being taken advantage of in that way, just say no to the sex until you think both you and him are at a stage you wont be turning back.

In other words, if you dont like the FWB idea and are tired of that being the "end"of things, dont give the benefits. If he cares enough about you he'll stay, if not he wasnt worth it and only wanted one thing anyway.
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 14
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/2/2007 3:27:54 PM
Msg's 10 & 13 from Mr Piano speak a lot of truth and like him I chuckle at the mostly women who are first to cry "anger issues" when someone speaks this way about them. Perhaps his thoughts could have been more politically correct in order to appease those too sensitive to hear a dissenting opinion but I post similar things for the very same stated reasons. Regardless how it's worded or the "tone" the truth is still the truth. It does seem the "anger/bitter" card is thrown all too often here and interestingly enough by women---which I'm sure is an anomoly?!?!

As for the OP if you are "always" ending up a FWB you need to look at WHY that happens. I get the impression it's not been that many times---you don't say an approximate or exact number but for some reason this seems somewhat over stated. Even so, the outcomes of your dating experiences tend to be more a product of your behavior or lack of taking a stance and sticking to it. This has already been offered as advice so it is something you might want to look into for the longer term.

If you're not comfortable going further with this current guy either from your own fears or something he's doing/not doing then maybe you need to start that re-evaluation now instead of later? Unless you're so horny you don't want to wait any longer then hold off until you have a better understanding of just what IS going on here.

I hope you get this all worked out!
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 17
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Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/2/2007 3:47:09 PM
OP, this is the way it works:
First a friend, then sex = Friends With Benefits. Notice, NO DATING IN THE MIDDLE.
First a friend, THEN DATING, then sex = Potential boyfriend. Get it?
What do I do for 6 whole dates, to make it different?

 that sam i am
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 18
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/2/2007 3:52:13 PM

what do I do to keep this from turning into a FWB thing or me just being used for sex?
stop putting out so damn easily!
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 19
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/2/2007 5:56:37 PM
OP, listen to Piano4te...the man always make a lot fo sense. There's nothing 'different' about you that makes you 'good enough to hang around with' and only a's your choices and decisions that help an outcome become what it is. If *you* don't make it known beforehand what you want out of a relationship, then any consequences are partially laid at your door. There's no guarantees that anyone will not end up being a player, or that anyone will stick around forever...everything in life is a risk, including relationships. But only open and honest communication between the two people involved will ever make a difference. If you're already that negative and concerned that this guy may be a player ("I've thought about talking to him, telling him that I don't want to be used for sex, but if he is a player he will start telling me the things that I want to hear (or that he thinks that I want to hear!).") that you feel it's not even worth discussing, then you shouldn't even think about dating him. You're not even giving him the benefit of the doubt, let alone a chance! Perhaps lack of communication, a fear that they'll disappear if you talk to them about this, and jumping into bed too soon, have been the main reasons why you always end up as a FWB? Perhpas you don't let these guys know that you want an actual relationship? Guys aren't mind readers, any more than women are...a good guy will be happy to discuss things...And if a guy disappears instead of discusses, you really haven't lost much, eh? Just discuss stuff before getting horizontal...and remember, that no one can do something to you unless you let them.
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 21
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/2/2007 6:11:05 PM
Relationships should be mutual, where both partners are happy and having their needs and desires met as much as possible. You're allowing yourself to be involved in what you don't want while they're getting what they do want.
Set your own standards, parameters, boundaries and stick with them firmly. Don't be vulnerable to be involved in something you know won't make you happy.
Joined: 3/9/2007
Msg: 22
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/2/2007 7:19:08 PM
Again I say ...... men and women cant be "just friends" somoeone always wants something more. And its usually the man and he wants sex. Dont women ever get it???????????
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 28
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/3/2007 8:32:34 AM
This is a great follow up OP for a variety of reasons. First, it's good you took time looking at your own part in this instead of continuing to blame men for your current state of being without one yourself. What you've learned in this short time is sometimes we get exactly what we think we need/want/deserve---too bad the reality of that doesn't meet the fantasy part of such wishes or dreams.

You do echo what appears to be the mindset of so many "modern day" women if only in the rhetoric the guys hear far too often: I don't NEED a man........I WANT a man......! You've come to realize we're not such a bad lot and when we're pushed away most of us will take the hint and move along to someone who shows a bit of interest. I'm sure you're as surprised as anyone about your new found insight about all this?

If you let the word "hopefully" rule your actions then your revelation won't be very effective in your dating life. Don't think it's a mans "job" or responsiblity to take you to dinner rather consider meeting someone as an opportunity getting to know someone instead of "letting" them pay for things. It's a long journey from your severe position towards men to accepting them as people who have their own fears, wants, needs and feelings---I wish you the best in finding that one day soon!
Joined: 8/8/2006
Msg: 32
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Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/3/2007 10:47:55 AM
NO, NO , NO dont give into him for sex even if he romances u into doing it. The reason i say this is that once u have given yourself to him, you'll feel differently and if he's not into a committed relationship, then youre the one who ends up hurt. And of course you will have ruined a good friendship with him.

I dont believe that two people can be friends and have sex without feelings being involved and thats usually on the woman's side not the man's side because they can have the sex without any emotional ties.

So for your own sake, dont do it!!!! Good luck in whatever u decide to do.
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 33
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/3/2007 11:10:46 AM

So, I'm asking for advice--- what do I do to keep this from turning into a FWB thing or me just being used for sex?

Only YOU can allow yourself to be used just for sex, and it sounds like you have a history of this.
Have you considered counseling to discuss this with a professional? It's likely you have self-esteem issues, family of origin issues, etc.
Sounds like you need someone to talk to that you can be open and honest with. Since this is such a long standing problem, this issues are probably deeper than you realize, or want to realize.
YOU are the one that controls this, not others.

Sounds like you need to learn some rules/boundaries of relationships and behavior that encourages vs discourages this. It's probably something you don't even realize you are doing! Get help and head on the way to healthier relationships....

Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 34
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/7/2007 1:43:50 AM
No offense meant here CrazyCurlz but you first post this:

OP, if you figure out the trick, please let me know how it's done. i'm always the cool, fun girl who ends up being the fwb rather than the gf. after being single for 2 years, i'm pretty tired of the same old routine myself. just about every guy i meet either only wants fwb, or is relationship material but is emotionally unavailable (the latter was my most recent disappointment). i'd like to be a gf again...i mean sex is great, but i want that emotional closeness too. nsa sex kinda leaves me feeling a bit lonely sometimes. *sigh*

But from previous posts you've made so far:

my friends like to tell me i'm commitment-phobic. it's been 2 years since my last long term relationship, and my history since has been play and flings. i'm pretty jaded and tend to keep men at a distance emotionally.

friends can use each other for sex and still remain's called friends with benefits. that doesn't mean that it'll evolve into love or a serious relationship. just because you f*cked each other, doesn't mean that he's changed his *type*, but rather that his hormones (and yours) persuaded him that sex was a good idea at that moment. don't try to read so much into it.

I'm sorry to say this is a huge contradiction of wanting to be a real g/f and NOT a FWB. These above are only selected comments from your recent posts and whether you believe it or not they do send a message, especially if you make these thoughts or attitudes known to the guys you "date". I'm by no means bashing you for being so open here but what you say and how you conduct your own self might be one reason you end up the FWB instead of a respected or appreciated girlfriend.

Just my observation and opinion---nothing more!
 Fry Lock
Joined: 10/4/2005
Msg: 42
view profile
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:08:29 AM
Amen to that arugula;

Why can't you just have sex if it feels good? If he's into you, he'll stay, if not, then at least you got laid and you KNOW where he's coming from and will leave your time free to pursue other avenues.

Sex is just sex, it's not some freakin prize to be handed out to the next contestant with the correct number of jellybeans in the jar.

Sometimes I give it up on the first date, sometimes not ever; sometimes I sleep with a guy once and never see him again, but I still know who I am on the inside, and I don't really care what anyone else thinks.

But then again, I'm not hearing any ticking clock or any of that crap; it took me a long time to figure out who I was WITHOUT a man in my life, cause I've never been without one; the last couple of years have taught me a lot about myself, and I like me better now than I ever have before.

Do YOU like YOU?

Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 45
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:48:58 AM
1. FWB is a situation where you add sex to an already established close friendship, what you're talking about is a booty call, an NSA (no strings attached), or a FB (fvck buddy) situation.

2. If you can't separate sex from your emotions, then no matter how hot the guy is who suggests you try it, tell him you know yourself better than that and don't do it. Tell him if you sleep with him you'll just stalk him, that should keep him from the sales pitch.

3. If you want more than an NSA or FB situation, be prepared to turn men down and go without sex. Some people aren't built to have sex outside of a full blown relationship. That's not a bad thing as long as you know it and you act accordingly. If it's too much for ya, buy toys or something.

4. I agree with Arugula that your coochie shouldn't be a prize they get for good behavior, but I do believe that if you have sex before you know someone really well, you can't expect it to become anything more than a casual arrangement (if it even happens more than once). If it happens for some reason, prepare to write that person off. It MIGHT become a serious relationship, but the chances if it happening are too small to bother risking it. Holding out on sex until you spend the time to get to know the person better has never hurt anything...if they walk away because they didn't get any, then you know what they were after, and you're relieved you didn't give them what they wanted.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 49
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/7/2007 8:10:44 AM
So how does one become a girlfriend? Not just a FWB?

Not becoming a FWB: Don't sleep with your friends if you're not the type that can handle it, that's a good start...? You should be able to tell true good friends you don't want to sleep with them without much of a hassle.

Becoming a girlfriend: Meet someone, find mutual attraction and interest, date them and get to know them as people before sleeping with them. If they seem to be more about wanting the sexual conversation and action than knowing anything about you, take that as a red flag. Not hard...

You're implying that if a man breaks up with a woman who isn't giving him sex, he broke up purely for sexual reasons. This might be true, or perhaps the guy broke up with that woman because she couldn't intimately express herself BOTH emotionally AND physically. Personally in a relationship I value a combination of these intimacy expressions, not just one or the other.

Nope, not at all...most men that walk away because they aren't getting laid are pretty obvious and vocal about it; whether it's as they are walking away or while they aren't getting what they want, there's not much room for guessing. Within the first month especially if you feel rushed, a man should be ok with giving you room to feel ready for something like that without guilting or being pushy or manipulative. When they aren't understanding, it's pretty clear. You can always tell the difference between a man who wants it and a man who wants YOU to want it.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 52
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:27:53 PM
Perhaps, but what about the guys who are of the "disappearing" ilk? In these forums, I've read much about this phenomena. Usually that means there wasn't the closure and the feedback that you suggest is routine when a guy breaks up because of lack of quality sexual expression.

Maybe it's only routine in my experience, and all other women (besides my friends who may not choose to pay attention but get some pretty clear messages) are having trouble figuring that out. But I doubt it.

I'm suggesting that a guy breaking up with a woman due to sexual concerns isn't such a cut-and-dry scenario such as you described.

Again in my case, it always was; if a guy wasn't clear about walking away because of not getting laid in the early stages of dating or hanging out, he was extremely obvious before he stopped contact while I was around him and I knew it was something he was impatient/frustrated with, he'd tell me as much.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 73
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 9/6/2007 7:07:28 AM
You're seeting yourself up again to become a FWB. Sorry, need to break the pattern.
Joined: 9/25/2007
Msg: 76
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 10/4/2007 1:57:51 PM

Damn.. you are right...a guy has to have SOME balls to want what HE wants and not what the woman wants... What makes a guy think he has the right to be happy??

What makes a guy happy? Im hungry, Im horny, Im thirsty....

Maybe the best the guy wants with YOU is a bootycall? If that doesnt work, move on... if it does, why the hangup? I dont get it... Ive had FWB's for YEARS that are just that... once a month or two, a great nite together, then cya... in about 4-5 weeks!
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 79
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 10/4/2007 4:03:54 PM
I have yet to see a happy FWB situation. Nothing to do with gender, after the many threads I've read here and ones I've known about, it seems to be a "fill in" that people think will give them what they want for now. And if/when they find someone else that they "want"....well it was good while it lasted. That's what they say, but never seems to be the case.

Some seem to think of sex as just "something" an act, a temporary momentary scratch of an itch. Has nothing to do with anything else. And there are those that think of it as something else. Neither is inherently wrong, it just seems people don't understands themselves as well as they think they do.
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 81
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 10/4/2007 4:37:44 PM
"Love is grand isnt it!! LOL" I won't bother to quote the rest, mr dynomite already did.
All I'll say is back up the turnip truck. If you have a "friend" like that, it's not a friend is it. If you keep this person as a friend, then you're just allowing yourself to be used.

We do teach people how to treat us.

My experiences with my friends are different. Sure there are times when I do befriend people who are looking for something else...advice about business/finance for free or to buy me a drink...which is a diet coke. No worries, I like people and enjoy helping them, but there are limits.

My friends are my friends because we like each other and enjoy spending time together. Trading off the latest joke, talking about sports (in my case NFL football..other than that, have no clue or interest) when it comes to swapping favors or expecting them. My friends know me, and they know I'd do anything I possibly could...they the same. If I need something, then I either go through my business cards or flip through the Yellow Pages. I've had friends who said, why didn't you call me, I'd have done that and saved you $$$. It just happened last week. I rented a pick up truck, have many friends who have one and would have lent me theirs.

I didn't call and I wouldn't ask. I just don't do that. And the people I've befriended who always only call when they need or want something from me...aren't "friends" very long.

Maybe I'm different, and if so, that's fine. It works for me, my friends know when I call them or want to meet up, it's just enjoying being with them and that's it. I know when people are using "being friends" to get something else. It doesn't work with me.

Sorry that happened, I really cringe totally when someone uses friendship or even sex as bait to get something out of someone. I've done fine and been totally happy not doing either.

Be glad I'm not your friend, because I would have told all of them to take a hike in no uncertain terms!! Been there done that, noone needs to give me a T shirt...if I wanted one, I'd make my own.
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 82
view profile
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 11/10/2007 10:06:57 PM
Maybe I missed it in a later post, but from OP's initial post, I couldn't tell if the guy is trying to have sex with you or not. It just says that you want to have sex with him. I think if the guy is actually trying to date you, he makes it very obvious and pursues you romantically. If this happens, and it's clear that he has relationship intentions, then I don't see a problem with having sex with each other. It should stay an actual dating relationship. However, what you described sounds like it could easily be a girl/guy friendship too (hanging out, going out to eat, etc.). If a guy really wants to date a woman, most guys will be able to spell it out. You two can even talk about it together (*imagine that*) before you get close to having sex. I think it's easy to fall into the FWB (or more accurately, bed buddy) thing if the guy isn't all that into dating in the first place, but the girl gives signals that she would either like to have sex or would be tempted into casual sex easily, and then the guy (especially those easily tempted) will have sex, just for the sake of sex (even if in the girl's mind, she is thinking she wants to have sex because she really likes the guy and wants to date him).
 Ave Caesar
Joined: 11/11/2007
Msg: 95
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 12/28/2007 3:07:19 PM

"I want to have sex..."

"What do I do to keep this from turning into a FWB thing or me just being used for sex?"

So, you don't want the cake...but want to eat it?

I don't understand the question at all.
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 96
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Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 12/28/2007 4:19:38 PM
The way I look at this OP is this, it's better to be in a FWB situation than to not even be in that much, if only for the release of sexual tension. Maybe I'm just biased here though, not that I've ever had a FWB situation, just that I've got so long without a relationship beyond a platonic friendship that even a FWB situation would be preferable to what I've got now, which is, relationship wise, nothing.
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 98
view profile
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 12/30/2007 10:32:47 PM

I am sorry to say that the guys I have chatted to on any of the sites I am on (and thats 3) have all wanted the same thing - which is casual sex nothing more. Today that seems to be all that guys want

Now why the hell is it that every woman that has made a bad choice or has been burned by a man or has some sort of issue with men typically lump ALL of us men into this catagory. Look, I'm sorry some of you women have been hurt and burnt, but we men get this sh!t too from women but most of us do not think ALL women are mean cold hearted b!tches. There are jerkoff women as there are men, sadly it's a fact of life, but I DO NOT like being lumped into the same catagory as some of the men that have shit on women in their lives because that is not me. So come on women, give us a break, not ALL of us men are like that OK?
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 104
Always a FWB, never a girlfriend!!
Posted: 1/1/2008 8:10:14 AM
OP said:

I'm so adamant about showing my independence and ability to take care of my self, that I scare off any chance of a relationship. That's why they (the men) end up either just being FWBs or friends. I was also so hurt and bitter because "EVERY" (ok, almost every) guy that I've wanted a relationship with ends up with another woman. I was so angry because the guys always move on and end up moving a woman and her kids into his place and then he takes care of them while I'm still here acting like a 3 year old that can "do it all by myself".

JWA said:

This is a great follow up OP for a variety of reasons. First, it's good you took time looking at your own part in this instead of continuing to blame men for your current state of being without one yourself.

Honestly.. read her reasoning again. She's STILL blaming the men.

Paraphrasing; "I'm too independent, that's why they don't want me".

It's sneaky, it's subtle, but it's there.

The only way to not get into a FWB situation is to not accept it. If you want to be the girlfriend.. don't tolerate anything other than that.
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