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 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 4
Clues that he's an online player ..Page 1 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
More often than not, you aren't going to meet an online player in real life. They are all type (or is that hype?? Hmmmm?) Anyway, having done this forever, you can get a feel for them. They usually can't remember specifics you've told them about yourself, your life, etc. They are horrific IM chatters because they multi-chat and have more than one you the brain. They become instantly "the one for you" and more often than not, if they do get to the phone call stage ~ it's a cell phone or a blocked number. Rarely are they around on weekend nights, because they are off "playing" elsewhere and you'll probably find that they confuse things ~ things that would suggest you are someone other than you. It's hard to tell with some, others are just not skilled at the whole game. Use your own judgment about "separated" men, that seems to be a hot topic here. To me, that is still married, you'll have to decide that for yourself. I think you get the jist, just don't rush into something ~ if someone is willing to give you time to "know" them, chances are, they are sincere. Insta-meetings worry me. JMO
 Dreamerxoxoxo
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 5
Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/8/2007 10:43:35 PM
More often than not, you aren't going to meet an online player in real life. They are all type (or is that hype?? Hmmmm?)


Hey VG ~ good play on words! You've got them down to a tee. I might add that after bombarding you with non-stop attention and compliments for a few weeks or maybe even a couple of months, they disappear into thin air . . . . . However, there are a lot of sincere guys here, also.

Jamieberry , yes the "pattern" is the dead giveaway!! The absolute best is when you find out from your gal pals on here that he's been playing them, too. It's like "ohhh goddd - you girls know each other?!?!?!" The various reactions we get are priceless!!

 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 7
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Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/9/2007 7:58:15 AM
Players - this word is also confused wth
someone who does not want to be with you- thus labeled
a player around here-

Really - I have really never met an actual "player" - I
think the term player was born in the minds of women
who allowed men to get away with bad behavior towards them.

women do it too- I know of one woman who invited a friend of
mine over, and within 4 minutes, was going down on him. Now
she has stated that he is a player because he did not return whatever
she thought she was owed by her actions. It goes both ways- just
keep your eyes open.
 mlm_mlm_mlm
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 8
Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/9/2007 8:05:00 AM
Get his name and run it through the county records where you live. Also use other resources like your appraisal district to make sure everything a person tells you checks out. Then meet and take it from there using your brain, not your heart... and see if this person is worthy of seeing again. Most of the time they will fall short somewhere and you will have to let them go... so you don't invite some unstable, confused or psychotic person into your life who has made a mess of their life.

County records will tell you if they have judgements, assumed names, marriages, divorces, evictions, debt and much more. Use your public records BEFORE meeting someone. Players are often ( not always) unstable people who use and feed off others and you will pick up clues if you do your homework. Using all your resources including your brain, you can weed out most all players and use your time to meet people who are better choices.
 Dreamerxoxoxo
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 13
Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/9/2007 11:20:06 AM
It is really difficult to recognize them on line. They seem sweet, caring, honest and decent. You can't see the lies they have on their profile until you get to know them.........

Unfortunately, too often, you're already in deep before you find out.

and....


You'll find a lot of them have been on here for years so they've had a lot of practice at the fine art of deception and knowing exactly what to say. Of course, if you're as gullible as I am sometimes, I have a hard time even figuring them out in person ...


Players are no different online from the way they are in the real world.... some of them are really obvious~so obvious it's laughable. If I'm in the mood, I'll even play their game with them for a while. It's easy not to get emotionally involved with them. It's the guys that seem humble and sincere and sooo convincing ~ the ones who know how to act and say all the right things to get you to trust them (sigh) .... they are the ones who are responsible for causing me to be overly cautious and suspicious of guys who sometimes really don't deserve to have their motives scrutinized.

It's sad that I can't allow myself to be the trusting, believing person I naturally am. However, fighting my intuition and looking past the obvious signs of a player and making excuses for him because of my attraction for him got my heart broken once but that was one too many times.

Now I listen to my intuition ~ it's usually right on target. If a guy is truly sincere in his words and actions, it eventually shines through ... I'll see it and let my defenses down.

OP > you will have to learn on your own here, just as you did in the real world. I found every word in this thread posted before mine are gospel... Proceed with caution.

Again, it's sad but so true.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 14
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Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/9/2007 2:45:04 PM

Some of these guys are sooo good at schmoozing, it's really hard to tell on-line.
That's how you KNOW he's an online player. No-one ever got good at chatting women up by staying home and watching TV. He got good by chatting online to LOTS of women and dating them, and you're about to be the next victim.


If it's too good to be true, it usually is.
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 21
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Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/9/2007 4:32:07 PM
number one most important way to know you are being played (or there is an intent to play you) is that they rush rush rush you, and they are very pushy. as far as i'm concerned (and i HAVE met a couple of players) that is the thing that gives them away.

any guy worth his salt is going to be patient, kind, not-pushy -- he will not rush you into either meeting or giving him your number.

if you say "oh i'm not ready to meet just yet" or "i like to get to know you a bit better before giving out my number" and in response to this he either: insults or belittles you (even in what seems like a joking way) or (worse) becomes clearly annoyed by this and pushes you to do what you have just said you don't want to do -- know that this guy is playing you and move on to the next guy.

if he is a gentleman, if he is the good man he represents himself to be? he will not rush you. trust me.

the strategy of a player is to get into physical company with you as soon as possible because if he isn't in your company he obviously can't get you into bed. so there is this rush rush rush to meet as soon as possible. and that sometimes involves making you feel 'stupid' or 'silly' about wanting to take your time.

other clues: 1) he doesn't do what he says he's going to do (call you, etc) as a pattern; 2) he has his phone number blocked or otherwise is very careful to conceal his identity; 3) he does not leave voice mail messages.

many players are married and looking for 'something on the side' and so they won't leave voice mail messages because that could later be used as proof against them (it's their voice, after all). the first guy i met? (when i was stupid and naive about online dating) we talked on the phone for a long period of time (at least 4 weeks) and after a time i realized -- the guy never left me one voice mail msg. always just called and called and called til i answered. now that i have some more experience at this, i now see that as a key indicator of a player or a guy who is otherwise spoken for by somebody he's cheating on. once i got an e-mail message from the woman a guy i'd been talking to (and had planned to meet that day) was living with -- that guy too -- he'd never left me one voice mail message.

all that said -- most guys in online personals aren't players -- altho because there are so many fish in the sea of online personals sites, that also means there are loads and loads of players... so, look for the signs and avoid them like the plague.

cheers!
 jadegreen
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 28
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Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/9/2007 6:43:36 PM
I've never been crazy about the term "player"...I am 37 and I suppose this is something the generation just a little below me likes ....I don't feel I've been "played" too many times in my life. I'd like to think I can spot it well...but maybe I've just been lucky...but I will say in past year I met two different people and I feel that both "played " me for their own selfish reasons....I was kinda emotionally vulnerable on both occassions...so I feel I was not as sharp as I normally would have been....but the experiences have made me sharper for spotting these types of people in the future....One guy showered me with attention...best romantic attention I'd ever gotten...and then just disappeared off the face of the earth it seemed....I finally ran into him some months later and found out he was married....I finally understood his behavior then and it made a big impression on me.....On another occassions I met a guy and talked with him a lot...he seemed so unusually sweet and layed back.....it wasn't until later that I realized he was adapting his behavior to what he thought I would respond to best...the guy totally played me...and that experience also left lasting impression.....he was a very good lier....I didn't see it at the time..but hindsight is revealing....I caught him in a lie and when I confronted him with it and used logical reasoning with him....he did not know how to respond....was so revealing to his true nature....he disappeared cause he knew he had been caught....he just tired contacting me recently and I didn't respond....I guess he had run out of people to "play" with....lol...no fun playing alone I suppose....I even think he had resorted to dealing with women that were not that physically attractive...cause he had run out of "playmates"....lol.....I am know back to dating more normal guys, but I've had my spells of running into these types....I'm learning how to deal with them....it's funny when can do the "reverse " playing...I had a lil sweet revenge with the guy that was married.....but it's my secret how i did that....lol....
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 29
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Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/9/2007 6:50:40 PM
Wow, Great replies here, Knowone has viewed all us guys as players. I agree go with your gut, if it takes 10 minutes for a reply, and its not just guys, maybe they're not worth chasing. I was chatting with someone lately, lots of chat at first then it died off, I'm not going to waste my time, There are many women out there that are truely interested and sincere with their intentions. It's pretty easy to tell. If they keep putting of meeting you then there is likely someone else they are more interested in.
I've been doing this long enough to know how things work, I don't let it get to me, Just go with the flow and respect great people you do meet.
 jadegreen
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 33
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Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/9/2007 9:08:57 PM
The lie I was referring to earlier from "player" i'd run across wasn't a white lie....it fell more into category of a "stupid lie"......I mean it was a dumb lie......if that clears that up....lol...
 DrewBond007
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 36
Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/9/2007 10:10:15 PM
If they act like you want them to for the most part then they are players.
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 37
Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/9/2007 10:54:07 PM
Gorsh darnit.
I thought this thread would be tips on helping me find a partner for
http://www.swangames.com/main/index.html
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 41
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Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 9:10:21 AM
i agree with whoever said that players don't tell white lies, they tell big fat ugly lies. yep. and yes indeed, they lie through their teeth. i ask a question, they give an answer = lie.

and no -- to whoever said just because the guy's online he's a player? no. and that all of us are players and tell white lies? NO. you might do that stuff, sweetie, and good luck to ya, but don't (as someone else also said) paint everybody with your brush in order to convince yourself that "everybody lies" in the same way you do -- no. in fact, that's what one of my suitors said to me when i met him, a guy who was completely bald other than one wee piece of hair sticking out of the middle of his head even tho the pics in his profile were of a guy with a full head of hair, and was 6 years older than he said in the profile, he said to me, 'oh, everybody lies about their age!' to which i said, 'no, they don't. i am going to be 45 in july and that's actually true.' (that was last july, this july -- oh my!! -- i will be 46! ugh! anyhow...)

i think some of us are working from different ideas about what a player is. to me it automatically means someone who deceives in order to get sex...

allritenow, you wrote:


There are different kind of players.

The guy that goes out with lots of different woman and is honest about it. The other girls know but still think they'll end of winning the prize. At least this guy is honest. Not my type but some girls love the challenge.

Then there's the kind that tell you that you are the only one, want to make a life with you, blah blah while seeing other girls behind your back.


i am glad you said this so that we can start teasing out what this really means.

i don't actually view your first definition as a player -- that's just somebody being honest about what they're doing here. that's cool. then i know to avoid them and move on to somebody else. i don't have a problem with what anyone does as long as they're honest about it.

your second definition matches my definition of a player.

and yes, to whoever said they hit on people NEW to the sites they're on? YEP. exactly -- and that's because they think we don't know the score and don't have enough experience to be able to spot players.

the first guy i met was one of TWO players i have met since i started meeting guys this way. which means that (using my stats only) less than ten percent of the guys online are players. the problem is just that there are SO many guys online it just seems like there are so many players when really it's a small percentage of men...

cheers!
 Dreamerxoxoxo
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 43
Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 10:24:58 AM
@000firefighter>>> Ok then . . . perhaps the terminology of player is being overly used here and an incorrect label for some of the behavior encountered by both genders. I was going to say the word fickle may be a better terminology , but after thinking it over, fickle people probably don't go into a relationship to purposefully mislead several people at a time. A fickle person usually will enter a relationship with good intentions but as soon as someone else catches their eye, they're off like a prom dress. They are basically monogamous serial daters.

Online dating sites are not unlike singles' bars. Maybe this is a little worse because there's so many profiles to choose from ~ and we're able to look through them at our own leisure much like we go through clothing catalogs. There seems to be a mindset that there's always someone better waiting to be found at the next click of the mouse.

We also need to keep in mind that some of us pretty much know what attributes we're looking for in a person and the only way to actually find out who genuinely possesses those attributes is to keep searching. I don't consider the person who won't settle for less than what they are looking for as being a player or being fickle.

A player isn't looking for a relationship but leads the victim to believe that is the case. It's all part of his/her "act" ... for lack of a better word. Hence the name "player". A player is the epitome of selfishness.

It's important that we use caution in meeting new people and be up front with our intentions. Purposely leading someone on is cruel. Remembering to treat people with the same respect and honesty we expect to be given shows good character ~ a good heart.

Those are my thoughts on this gorgeous south Florida Sunday afternoon....
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 44
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Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 10:34:16 AM

I am playful but I am not a player or an "investor". I may be a playboy, lol, because I love women, not just sex with them! I do not lie, white or fat lies. I do not wish to get married or be in an LTR for the sake of marriage or an LTR, unless unless, it is with a woman who neither WANTS to get married or an LTR. And I am not into 1-niters either or a slat. And I am not into dating "games" or into mind games (or mind ... sex, give or receive). I am neither a nice guy or a bad boy. I am ME.


ha!! nick i loved this -- you're HONEST and that's the critical thing. two thumbs up!

and to the message two before this one, i think it's actually real important for people to be realistic about the situations they involve themselves in, including the choice to meet people thru online personals.

the fact is? we ARE all, to some extent, vulnerable here -- vulnerable to being lied to and deceived, vulnerable to being hurt. and that includes guys AND gals. to NOT admit that to ourselves is unreasonably defensive and downright... dumb. the person who started this thread has, imho, done the responsible thing by realizing "hey there are some bad people on these sites" and then taking responsibility for that by giving this shout out to all of us and asking for info and suggestions. and good on her for doing that. whereas, your view would seem to foreclose ANY attempt to admit and deal in a direct way with the fact that there ARE people here and on other personals sites who would use others if they could and who are very good at being convincing (aka, 'sociopaths').

cheers all!
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 46
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Question...
Posted: 6/10/2007 11:13:00 AM

000firefighter: I thought I had met someone really nice. I adored the man. Turns out he was playing a few of us and using the same lines on us all. The reason why he was so nice? To not ruffle any feathers I guess? I don't know. Sometimes men confuse me.
It would have been easier to have just been honest.

...did you ask if he was (virtually or otherwise) seeing anyone else?

Unless someone lies to you, I fail to see how incorrect assumptions made make the other person in the wrong...


in online personals, there should never be a need to ask that question since you indicate your relationship status in your profile.

i think it's obvious that his profile disclosed his status as "single."

my profile says i'm single, and i am.

if i was seeing someone, my relationship status would read "in a relationship."

simple.

cheers all!
 Dreamerxoxoxo
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 48
Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 2:47:45 PM
ummm.. I sound like an online player.


I can well understand your frustrations here. There are exceptions to every rule and as I posted earlier, it's difficult to distinguish the people who are genuinely searching for the one who possesses the attributes they desire in a person from the bonafide player aka womanizer. It's the people who say they're looking for an LTR knowing full well that is not their real intention. There are honest people here that say the reason for being here is to make friends and/or dating. I respect them for being honest and find absolutely nothing wrong with it. As a matter of fact, I may change my reason from LTR to dating because when it comes right down to it, friends/dating are precursory to LTRs.

You're absolutely correct about giving out too much information on the outset ~ I give out my cell phone # and take some other precautionary measures for my own safety, also.

These "tips" are given in answer to the OP's thread to gain insight to some possible signs to make her aware that there are some unscrupulous people out there. The tips given here don't suggest that because a guy or a woman may happen to fit one or more of the descriptions that he or she is a player.

It's a crying shame that we have to be this precautionary but it's the, as someone mentioned earlier, cause and effect that dictates reactions. It's too common place that the actions of a few make it bad for the majority.

OT> I noticed you're wearing a Pompano Beach shirt in one of your photos... if that's the same one as the one here in south FL ~ it's the next town over from Ft. Lauderdale. Were we neighbors at one time?
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 49
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Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 3:01:20 PM
hi gogo, you said:


So I have alwayas read "Single" in that context to mean "not married". I think most other people do as well....especially since here on POF the category is actually labeled...surprise, surprise..."Marital Status"....and the other choices are "Married", "Separated", 'Divorced", "Widowed", 'Living Together" and "Not Single and Not Looking".

That said...the more central point is...

How is it that chatting up...and, ok..."dating" someone constitutes a "relationship"? So...if you email someone...is it a relationship? Talk on the phone...is that a relationship? Meet once...is that the determination of what a relationship is?

Because to me...in my book...until two people decide a relationship exists...no relationship exists. One person doesn't get to decide....and only a fool assumes.


yea, i looked and you're right -- it does say marital status. which doesn't really answer the question. so, i stand corrected. at the same time, i don't ever recall asking a guy if he's hitched. i think everybody assumes (perhaps wrongly) that if you're chatting them up on an online personals site, you're not in a relationship. why would they assume anything else?

...but that shouldn't mean they assume you aren't dating.

i agree with you there -- it takes a good deal of time to get to being exclusive with someone or to say 'we're in a relationship' -- that is and should be far from automatic (what meaning does it have if it IS automatic? not much i think), and it should never be automatically assumed that if you're seeing someone he isn't seeing others. i think you should consider yourself in a relationship only AFTER you have had a conversation about it and agreed that that indeed is what you are in...

altho, i didn't read the message you had responded to as being about that. i thought she was saying that the dude was lying to a bunch of women at the same time about being exclusive with each one of them.

and by the way, that does fit within my definition of a player. while dating multiple people at the same time because you're not ready to be exclusive with anyone yet certainly does not.

the kicker, as i've said before, is honesty. if dude tells me he isn't seeing anyone else when he is? bad news. if i am SEEING someone and i want to know if he's seeing anyone else? well, that's easy -- i'll just ask. about all this kind of stuff, i think it comes down to communication communication communication -- but that theory assumes that the communication is honest and open.

ciao all!
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 51
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Turns out Merf dear...
Posted: 6/10/2007 4:21:20 PM

As it tuns out however, many (well...certainly enough, as it turns out) women are perfectly comfortable with this, and in fact might be wanting the same thing.

I am just sick of the ones who apparently cannot read (or hear, given that we reviewed the "state of the union" on a seemingly weekly basis and covered off on these points).


yep, and there are guys who are like this also.

once, a guy i had talked to on IM once or twice (never met, hadn't even talked on the phone) asked me if i was seeing or talking to anyone else. and i said, well, 'yes, of course i am -- but why are you asking me this question at this point? i don't even know you, and you don't know me, isn't this premature?' and he said no. then he said i should contact him only if there is no one else i am talking to or thinking of meeting, only then would he even want to talk to me. in other words, he wanted us to be exclusive at the point of first contact, immediately.

i was shocked by this.

and also very sure that i was not at all interested in him.

cheers all!
 lauriedmi
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 53
Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 9:50:46 PM
I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your tips, hints, tricks, comments....etc. It's really helpful to someone new to this "online" dating thing to know I'm not the only one putting myself out there and getting burned by it. I just have to add one more little "how do you know if..." that I discovered. If they say "don't let the physical distance deter you", you might think twice. I had a man do all the things you have commented on. He was intelligent sounding, said all the right things, complimented me profusely, told me he thought he'd found "the one"...blah, blah, blah. So, I invited him to IM. It only took one session for me to figure him out when he simply went offline right in the MIDDLE of the conversation! Hmmm... I think what really makes me angry is that there are great people like me just looking to find decent, HONEST people to connect with, and there are those out there that spoil it by having to lie, cheat and generally cause a feeling of mistrust. I'm 45 years old and come from the dating age when computers didn't exist. At least when you met someone in person, you could look in their eyes, check for the telltale white band on their ring finger...etc. Well, so much for that! Guess that gut feeling and cynical (sadly) outlook will have to suffice!
 A Sexy Lady
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 56
Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/12/2007 7:31:53 PM
I find that the "online player" shows himself right away. He's usually someone who shares very little about himself. He's the guy that calls you and then has to go very suddenly off the phone because he has another call coming in or his "mother is ill."

Also I would beware of any guy who is in a rush to meet you or call you on the phone. As quickly as he gave you his number he will give it out to others. And anyone who is separated? FORGETTA BOUT IT!!! IT'S BULLSHIT. That usually means "my wife is in the other room watching the kids, while I'm sitting here talking to you, hoping to get a bit on the side." A married guy is a married guy. PERIOD. Good God man give yourself time to get back on your feet and figure out what you want. And that little voice inside that screams CREEP FACTOR? LISTEN TO IT!
 Camarogurl
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 57
Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/12/2007 7:40:08 PM
Well, thats why I dont play the game and talk to them forever, I meet them. I can read people pretty well in person. If they dont want to meet, oh well. Meet in a public coffee house and see what kind of person they are. Good luck.
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 63
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Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/14/2007 8:18:45 AM
gone, viola and cinn girl: i feel exactly the same way as you all, tho i have come to this conclusion more recently. i agree, gone, that you shouldn't judge too quickly, but i am also at a point now where i feel as tho, at least the men in my age group who are active here and on other personals sites, are really a wily and whacky and downright weird bunch. i feel as tho i cannot count on a single thing that is said actually turning out to be true and i am afraid of things like what happened to you (oh my, how awful!) happening to me.

indeed, things like that HAVE happened to me: spend a beautiful weekend with the guy (yes, he was from out of town als) followed by being screamed at and insulted by him the day after he left because i was washing a cup while talking to him on the phone! (can anyone say 'freak'? OMG! -- i was suddenly remembering that film with julia roberts where she placed the bathroom towels on the rack crookedly and he beat the hell out of her! yikes! ).

anyhow it's a crazy weird world and after a year and a half i do believe i have had more than enough of it...

ciao all!
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 64
Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/14/2007 8:21:40 AM
Ahh the same posters in yet again another"player" thread.....There is a total suprise.

Do the same people ever get tired of posting in the exact same kind of threads over and over and over again. Yet say the are not male bashers.


I know i wrote something else then edited it without changing all the words. Thanks , i always think i am going to run out of time in editing so i tend to take short cuts sometimes.
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 66
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Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/14/2007 8:51:01 AM

Ahh the same posters in yet again another"player" thread.....There is a total suprise.

Does the same people ever get tired of posting in the exact same kind of threads over and over and over again. Yet say the are not male bashers.


i happen to LOVE men, tdh, tho i cannot say i like you very much.

perhaps you can choose someone else to forum stalk?

and, of course, i can't help but notice how you conveniently ignore the thread i've been posting on more than any other in the past few days -- where i am defending a guy who was treated like crap online by his x... of course of course, because that doesn't fit within your absolutely wrong and unsupportable theory that i "man bash."

what a joke! i don't anybody bash, tdh, and you darn well know it...

now, move along and stalk some other intelligent mature female you just can't stand.
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