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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Separated for how long?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 IAMREAL4U
Joined: 12/10/2006
Msg: 1
Separated for how long?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
How much time is considered permanent for women to date someone separated? Does it matter on time only, or on the individual? Is there a difference between women dating separated men, and vice versa? Having dated and been dated lol, it seems like a mixed bag of opinions when topic comes up, however, seems to be a flag of caution when initializing contact...
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 2
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/27/2007 8:59:20 PM
I know from my experience consideration should be on an individual basis. I have been separated almost 2 years and things are not fully settled and divorce is iminent. So some men run from me cause they think there is a chance that I will go back to my ex (which is just not going to happen) and prefer to stand on the side lines waiting until the separated is changed to divorced.

Legal issues take different amounts of time - if you are on a dating site looking for someone - you need to get to know them, know about them and what their future plans are - its really not too much about how long they have been separated.

However, someone newly separated - I would give that some time maybe 3 - 6 months just to be sure they are moving on with their lives permanently. Even then, it could be a crap shoot.
 IAMREAL4U
Joined: 12/10/2006
Msg: 3
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/27/2007 9:09:26 PM
Keeping this in mind... there are usually children involved, so a divorce maybe not the best thing to do to stress out the kids further, or alienate one parent at the time. However, if the dynamic is amicable and non-threratening, with both parents communicating with their kids as to no future together, and plans in future -- is this not better than the emotional damage through the court system? I equate this to those who live common-law and marry later, after having children - is it not the same for starting and finishing a relationship nowadays lol?
 crittersitter
Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 4
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/27/2007 9:50:25 PM
^^^^^Gimme a break with that b.s. "staying together for the kids"-
Oh yes, much better for the kids to be aware that mommy & daddy are f ucking around with other people.
Ugh! Separated is still married-and if you have no intention of getting divorced-you're just a cheating pig.

Now- want to know how I REALLY feel about it?

 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 5
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/27/2007 10:13:11 PM
Sorry OP, separated is still married. And from what I just read ~ you are taking this separated-terminology a little too lightly in my opinion. If you and the ex can get along, get the paperwork done, filed, signed by a Judge and move on with your amiable break-up. Unless he's been single a year + (preferably much longer for me) he has waaaaaaaay too much work to get through before he passes the rebound stage. I've been single 7 + years ~ I refuse to muck up my life because he refuses to do what the rest of us do: divorce when it's over. JMO
 shellibean17
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 6
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/27/2007 11:05:17 PM
Separated is still married. Divorce can be lengthy and difficult or not - doesn't matter. Once the divorce is final - you are single - then you need time to heal and after that move on. Anyone who jumps right back in the pool - on either side - is suspect. Who is really that needy? Think about it...
 shellibean17
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 7
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/27/2007 11:06:27 PM
Separated is still married. Divorce can be lengthy and difficult or not - doesn't matter. Once the divorce is final - you are single - then you need time to heal and after that move on. Anyone who jumps right back in the pool - on either side - is suspect. Who is really that needy? Think about it...
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/28/2007 9:31:49 AM
Oh my goddess, you people are really opinionated about this. To me it reads: we have a cultural idea of what marraige and raising children means and everything else is immoral. Yet most of the opinions come from people who have never experienced this before in their lives. Hilarious and tragic.

I look at someone saying that separated should be divorced because of blah, blah, blah, and your profile says single... not divorced... meaning you don't have any experience with this yourself. Someone that you dated before is just someone that you dated. You can't judge an entire populace based on one person. At least one person in every demographic, race, marital history, whatever; is a bad person or an idiot. If you had had the experience yourself, then that would be different. But you can't make sweeping absolute decisions based on the behaviors of individuals you might have met.

I like too, the people saying: "staying together for the kids bs" and then they don't have any kids. People can't parent others' kids, and people who aren't parents have no idea what they're talking about in any parenting situation, especially in matters of breaking up the family. This is a specific situation in each family, and a person who's separated should not be judged based on that separation alone.

However, if people don't want to date you because of that, it's the same as someone not wanting to date someone with no money or with some other temporary issue. They don't have to date you, and there are people that will. If being married is causing you dating problems, then get divorced. It's like if being too pale is causing you dating problems, then get a tan, right? People have to work on themselves to be marketable. My post is not against people that won't date you, but rather people that have some idea that they know what a separated person's morals or life is about, just because they're separated.

Having said all that, I am a divorcee with a child and the "staying together for the kids" could mean many things. The poster stated that the communication was clear that there was no getting back together. You could still have an amicable relationship once divorced, and if you're good parents AT ALL, you will. Although I don't believe that whatever works for a married couple is in any way sending a bad message to children -- because it does work in marraige, at least theirs -- separated should be actively divorcing if you're honest with the children, unless you're trying to get back together. From my daughter's mouth, there have been many times in the past where she's expressed that it would have been better if her parents were romantically together. I've never once minced words with her, and each time gently explained how that could never happen. If I was in any way showing her that I was still in an active relationship with her mother, this would serve nothing but to cause her anxiety and pain.

Now, if you are trying to get a divorce, it's not as easy as you single people seem to think it is. It takes TIME. Yes, you could sometimes be more aggressive about it, but there are people considerations, money considerations, time considerations, and everything else that could negatively impact everyone's life if someone tries to rush it just because they want to date under socially acceptable norms. I did not date once while separated, but that was my choice.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/28/2007 9:38:43 AM

Give me a break. If you had saved $2 a week for 7 years, you would have been able to pay for the divorce by now. That's a lot of ca-ca. Either crap or get off the pot.


If it's paying for the divorce, then sure. But it's probably not. It's probably shared assets, insurance, or other financial matters. You DO have financial penalties for getting divorced that are not just paying for the divorce.
 IAMREAL4U
Joined: 12/10/2006
Msg: 10
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:39:35 AM
A very well writen response, and thought out as well -- Nice to see I am not the only one with these issues, and seems like people are judging the book by it's cover lol...
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 11
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:50:58 AM
OP, it depends on the individual and how they're handling things. Some handle it well, others don't. But, having dated men who had been separated for a year, one in the process of siging the papers and the other legally separated, I still wouldn't do it again. One was handling this better than the other, but they still needed more time before they were ready for a relationship...even though they *thought* they were ready.

As far as staying together for the kids, if you mean staying married but not living together - being separated - nope, that's BS in my opinion. People can handle a divorce amicably for the sake of their kids, if for no other reason...and being separated but together for the kids simply means you can have your cake and eat it too...and what new partner would want to be involved in that type of situation? The emotional damage doesn't come form the courts - it comes from the parents fighting with each other and not thinking of their kids at all - just of themselves. Not getting divorced for financial reasons is also BS in my opinion...one can get divorced for a couple hundred bucks if they already know how they're going to split things, so why wouldn't they do it? IMO, they're still married as the separation can be voided at any time.

And as far as having kids and then getting married...that might be okay for some people, but IMO it's putting the cart before the horse...and if people think it's hard getting child support from a divorced parent, try to get it from one who's not legally attached in the first place. Not all parents - wed or unwed - take responsibility for supporting the children they bring into this world.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 12
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/28/2007 4:07:55 PM
I can't really understand why some are "separated" for years and years. I've worked in the US legal system for over 18 years and I can assure anyone who will disagree: if you are legally married in the US and someone dies, or hits the lottery or a whole slew of other things ~ those two people are still legally tied to one another and it isn't pretty when it finally gets to the Court system. I do realize Canada has different circumstances, different laws, etc. I am only speaking of what I know first hand. Very few states require "Legal Separation" documents ~ so, when Jane Doe gets cancer and is still married to John, that complicates John's life and Jane's life and anyone else who is attached to either of those two people. Death, oh dear ~ nightmare legal mess.

There are Federal Grant monies available to every single person in the US. You go to your local courthouse, they direct you to those monies, you have help in filling out the paperwork and it's a matter of a filing fee (usually between $125.00 and $200.00 depending upon the state.) If property and or children are a point of argument ~ a FREE moderator is offered and available. There is just no need to remain legally bound to someone in the US ~ unless you do it for reasons such as: health insurance policies, or other things of that nature. And, that is fraud ~ not something I'd recommend, although it is done all the time. You can get a divorce and use health insurance as a "domestic partner" so that is no reason to remain married.

To each their own, and whatever works for those people ~ works, I suppose. I'm just not someone who will overlook the obvious: he married her but isn't divorcing her ~ what's wrong with this picture??? JMO
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 13
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/29/2007 8:36:05 AM

Actually more like $3 a week - a down and dirty divorce will cost me $1000, but thanks for the math. The point of the matter is that neither of us have felt the need to "crap or get off the pot," as you so eloquently put it. Both of us are content with the status quo. Once the status quo changes (we meet someone we think we may end up marrying) then so will our actions.
It surprises me that you (anyone) feels so strongly that a person MUST make an action, one way or the other. Why? Who cares? What possible effect does it have on your life?
None of the relationships we have allowed into our respective lives have had a problem with it - good thing it takes all types to make the world go 'round huh?


Like anything else, this is something each individual has to decide for themself. For me, if someone hasn't bothered to get divorced after several years of separation, then I'm not going to get involved with them...for a number of reasons. As verygreeneyez pointed out, there are a number of legal reasons to get the divorce completed...and some reasons could impact the new couple even after the divorce...such as if one is married 10 years here, the wife - or ex wife is entitled to half thier pension. So figure if you've been together for 12 years, 5 of that separated - and especially not legally separated - then the ex is entitled to half your pension. In some cases, the new partner may end up liable for certain expenses to the ex. Tell me those things won't affect ones new marriage down the road.

On top of legal reasons like that, I know a number of people who were separated and eventually found someone they wanted to marry...when they went to finalize things, it took a very long time, for various reasons - which caused ceremonies ot be delayed, plans to be changed, etc., and affected the new couple getting on with their lives. Also, if someone can't simply finalize something, it does make one wonder if they have issues with letting go, or with completing anything...which could spill over into other aspects of their lives. Sure, some individuals won't have problems with this, but IMO those are the exceptions; for example, they're the the couples who both realized the marriage wasn't right for them and amicably decided to end things...and most aren't like that.
 Buh-Bye!
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 14
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:56:36 AM
^^^Sorry OP but you need to get a grip on reality

Keeping this in mind... there are usually children involved, so a divorce maybe not the best thing to do to stress out the kids further


This is a bunch of crap, get a life, make a decision, & move on - you're making excuses, plain and simple.

And carrying those excuses to your 'outside' personal life is a cop out.
Why would anyone want to be involved in a situation such as this, unless they were equally as spineless????

I too, have "been there" and this no way to approach life.
 LordofArachnids
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 15
Separated for how long?
Posted: 7/9/2007 7:52:58 AM
i agree to a point, but in most cases, seperated is the same as divorce for a lot of people, as there are many reason why someoen cant just get divorced right away, it isnt as easy or simple as you think
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 16
Separated for how long?
Posted: 12/3/2008 1:03:54 PM
How much time is considered permanent for women to date someone separated? Does it matter on time only, or on the individual? Is there a difference between women dating separated men, and vice versa? Having dated and been dated lol, it seems like a mixed bag of opinions when topic comes up, however, seems to be a flag of caution when initializing contact...

Been there, done that. I'll pass regardless of the length of time, in fact - newly divorced ain't much healthier. I'd rather meet someone who's not only been divorced, but been single again a while. But, everyone's different. I am sure those who are separated will disagree.

I've never met anyone who was separated and thought they were past the relationship who didn't have an emotional depression or relapse when the finalization happened. A lot of my friends went thru that, and no matter how bad the marriage was, before the divorce was final they swore up and down they felt it was ancient history. It wasn't.
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