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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I am just curious here....

In majority of cases women get custody of their children unless they have been proven to be unfit.

This question is for men and women but I am very interested in a males point of view.

If a woman's children are not with her do you initially assume she must have done something wrong?
 tillyjo
Joined: 5/24/2007
Msg: 2
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 9:47:54 PM
I have 2 kids, my 7 yr old son wanted to live with his dad last year, why shouldnt he?
We share the kids on the weekends, we chat on the phone every night and we both love them full time, hey its a cool thing todo ....I do miss him every minute though!!!
 Bigandtalldancer
Joined: 1/1/2006
Msg: 3
What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:55:21 PM
There are a lot of reasons that children would be with the father full time. Most of them have nothing to do with the "fitness" of their mother.

In some cases the mother might not want to uproot the kids from schools, neighbourhood and friends, if she is the one moving. In others the children may have been given the option of choice and dad was it. In still others, mental capability to provide the right role model for the children may be the reason. Just perhaps, the Mom in her judgement has made the choice that Dad is the "better" or more capable parent in their curcumstance.

There is no way to judge ahead of time, so assuming anything is wrong, is just plain wrong!

OP? Your opening line is perhaps not as true in todays world. A mother does NOT have to be proven unfit in most cases. There is the children's well being to consider and their wishes, age dependant of course. So each case is different, in so many ways.

JMHO
What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 5:11:43 AM
Thanks to those that have responded so far. It is very interesting to hear the difference in opinions and most have said they would assume just as I figured.

But before I get into that......for the poster that said that he couldn't believe I would ask a question like this and not respond to the discussion or share a background story....

I posted this late last night after a 15 hour shift. I watched it for about an hour and then had to go to bed so that I could pull another 15 hours today. I purposefully didn't give a background story because I wanted to know what people would INITIALLY think. As another poster tried to explain to you, that would be before facts and circumstances. If I had given a background story, people would have no-doubt based their answers on the story and not on their first reaction.

I have raised my daughter by myself for almost 7 years. (She is 12.) I have full custody and always will. That will not be fought. Her father is in her life and gets her every weekend without fail. They are very close. I am moving to a city about 20 minutes away with work. This isn't very far but if my daughter moves with me she will be taken out of the best public school in the area, away from her friends and family, (she is extremely shy and doesn't make friends easily) and be moved into a much faster "city" environment. Her personality dictates that she would not adjust quickly.

After a lot of soul-searching I decided to grant her wish to stay with her dad. She is in perfectly good hands and I am only 20 minutes away. This arrangement is a trial period for the summer. It started 3 days ago and I am already feeling "empty nest syndrome".

I asked the question because I was wondering how my choice might affect future potential dates. Yes, I know I can explain my side and people would usually understand BUT some people don't always give you the chance to explain before unfair, inaccurate assumptions are made.
What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 2:28:24 PM
East Coast:

I made the statement about having custody because so many people assumed a judge had granted custody to the other parent. There was in fact no custody battle over my child. My ex and I decided that we were her parents and did not need a 3rd party dictating the "rights" we had over her. So I guess I spoke wrongly. My ex and I both have custody, although she is on my insurance, taxes, whatever.

We also didn't use the system to determine child support. I provide her housing and everyday needs. When she needs an excessive amount of clothing or has a birthday/Christmas, I buy what she needs and he writes a check for half. No questions asked. He handles all of her extra-curricular activities. I suppose in that way, the roles will be in reverse for awhile but you get the point.
What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 5:19:09 PM
I appreciate your kudos but am perplexed with your wording. I didn't "give up" my child at all. She is just sleeping in a different house.

It brings me back to the focus of my question...

Why if a woman doesn't have her children at home, it is looked at as "giving them up". If a man is in the same situation, he is looked at as a good parent as long as he is paying support and seeing the children regularly.
What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 6:05:07 PM
I'm not offended at all and am glad I gave you a chance to see things from a different perspective.

I am just wondering how to get around the double standard.
 ChefWilliam
Joined: 5/15/2007
Msg: 8
What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/1/2007 12:26:57 AM
well I belive each case is individual, in my case I had to fight with my ex until I just gave her the house and the car and all the "stuff" we had and she then was more than happy to go the 50% shared custody rout, she has made it very clear that when she starts grad school she will not have time to be a full time mom and I am making plans to be the full time dad and she will see them on weekends, it is not because she is unfit she is trying to bettor herself to be a better provider for the children (and to eliminate the need for child support) but the children will be with me the majority of the time so I feel each case is individual
 horsey152
Joined: 6/26/2007
Msg: 9
What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 11:06:23 AM
i am a single dad of two childrens aged 7 and 3.. a year and half ago my ex wife decided she didnt want to be with me any more and without any arguement said the kids could live with me....i was told by her sister that she had been a mum and wife for 6 years and just wanted to be herself again... in the end though i found out that she left the 3 of us to be with another man who had also just walked out on his wife and 2 kids.. Nowadays if any women who does not live with their children tries to talk to me im sorry to say i just blank them. saying that i do feel sorry for any dads who dont have their kids with them as children are the most wonderful things in the world.
 hujazz
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 10
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 7:32:20 PM
i have two kids a girl 18& boy 17 well thats my story i've had custody ever since my boy was 8mos. old so i've been mom & dad for 17 1/2 years put them through school went to church played with barbies &tonka trucks i brought home the bacon fried it up in a pan took them shopping (boy was it haed to shop with my daughter but we got through everything &their mom didn't have anything to do with them my past life b-4 kids i was a bad_ _ _ biker but when we had the kids i done a 180 && as i look back on the times i wouldn't take all the money in the world but to raise kids you need two parents thats what it took to get them here. now that their older i have been getting back to my real life which i never lost
 stacy_loves_smiles
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 11
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/3/2007 5:49:41 AM
I clearly stated why I asked my question in my original post. No guilt is involved.
 beerchen
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 12
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/7/2007 4:46:11 AM
oh children, play nice.


Sometimes , it's not as easy as it looks from the outside.

I have a teenage daughter , she's 13. Her dad lives in Texas and she spents the summers with him.

I learned that at age 14, kids may decide which parent to live with.
Now, certainly there are restrictions, regulations, etc.

However, here is my situation.
I have pretty much raised my daughter on my own since age 2. I have been the primary provider for all, she has lived primarly with me ( he saw her for weekends).
I would hate to see it happen, but what if she felt that it was time to life with her dad now so she can be spending more time with him?

It scares the living daylights out of me.
But, if i was to deny her the wish to spent her teenage years with her dad, does that make me a bad mother? No!!!

So, before you judge anybody on the custody question. Ask more questions first.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 13
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/7/2007 1:50:29 PM
I'll just get back to the OP's original question. I try not to make snap judgements before I have all the facts, and would never assume that just because a woman doesn't have her children living with her, that there is something "wrong" with her. If and when she is ready she can share with me the reasons for why the child lives elsewhere. I have a son who was a pain in the butt teenager once, and he came to live with me for almost 2 years during that time, so I knew what it was like to have him with me, and to have him not with me. I always tried to do what was best for him, but I wouldn't let him use his mother and I in a battle of revolving doors and go back and forth, so once he left to go back to mom's, that was it for him living with me.

Personally, I think it takes a lot of strength of character for the OP to do what she felt was in the best interests of her daughter, in spite of how it might make her feel, and let her little girl live with her father because of the school situation. If only all parents could show their kids such examples of how an adult is supposed to act!
 COP4LIFE2007
Joined: 7/3/2007
Msg: 14
What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/8/2007 1:15:04 PM
hmm, I would have to say yes, but that is going off the old sterotype that most woman obtain full custody in court and win. But with that said, I was on a website last week and it said that most men do not fight for full custody. Out of all the men who actually fought for full custody they won 50 percent of the time. The laws are changing fast and there are some states out there now that have to give joint custody first, as long as both parents are fit. We live in a differnt world today, with both parents working in my households I think it is only fair for the courts to give joint. ...
 jffquin
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 15
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/8/2007 5:35:49 PM
I'm new here so hello to everybody. As far as the original question, Yes I would assume the mom had problems of some sort. we all know what the first 3 letters of assume stand for. But asking a woman why the father had custody is akin to asking a woman how long she has been pregnant if you are not really sure she is or if she just has a big belly. If I don’t know her well enough to ask, It’s none of my business anyway.
For what it worth, I have had physical custody of my 11 year old son since he was 1. (By my second marriage). I regret I was not mature enough with my 1st 2 kids to enjoy their childhood. Yes, I changed diapers, cleaned up after sick kids, cook and the like. (still don’t do windows.) My lawyer told me I had no chance of getting custody because #1- I had no bio father rights to his brother and the courts did not like to split up brothers #2- younger than 5 years old is the formative years and the courts automatically give children this age to the mother #3- because I had I job and mom did not, the courts would view this as income to the mother (as if mom could not get a job). This is 10 year old info but I see it still works that way quite often today. Thank God it did not take a battle to get custody of my son. When the judge gave me cousady, he ask my lawyer how to write this one up because the judge did not know. My own lawyer just shrugged his shoulders with palms up.
 beerchen
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 16
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/9/2007 4:18:00 AM
HarleyKat:

The request hasn't been made in so many words. She simply thought that she knows so much about me and so little about her dad .

Ok, so she sees him for 3 months in the summer. But she wants to experience the possibility to see what it would be like other then for summer vacation. Maybe it's some sort of test she wants to put her dad to.

I don't really know whether she's going to make the choice to actually persue living with her dad for the years of highschool.
Maybe it's also because her dad lives in a much bigger city, in a different state.
Who knows.. teenagers I tell ya!
 stacy_loves_smiles
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 17
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/9/2007 1:44:58 PM
Even though I am obviously the OP of this thread, I have chosen to just sit back and listen to the different views on this subject. I did not intend it to be a discussion about custody issues but am interested that it has basically turned into one.

I have seen a lot of woman here try to say that they have a mother/child bond with their child that cannot be matched by another parent. I do not disagree with this statement at all. My daughter's father will never be able to love her the same way I do, but he is able to love her just as much in a different way.

I think being a parent takes a lot of unselfish acts. Accepting that just because you hold a special bond with your child that cannot be matched does not mean that you are automatically the best parent to raise the child full-time is the most unselfish of them all.

I think most (if not all) of the parents that have given their input on this thread are probably very good, loving parents. I think this because of their willingness to share and debate on such a touchy subject....BUT being a good, loving parent doesn't always mean you can offer your child the best relationship to be the primary parent.

It takes a lot of soul-searching and a very humble attitude to realize that perhaps the other parent offers more patience, time, a better living situation, a closer emotional connection, or a personality that your child can relate to better to get what he fully needs to become a strong, loving person.

I think too many people feel that having their children full-time somehow defines them as being the most loving and fit to raise the child. Just perhaps...not having my child with me full-time shows that I realize she is getting things that my personality cannot offer her. Unconditional love is never black and white.
 deetab
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 18
What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 9/5/2007 2:44:35 PM
A REPLY TO CUSTUDY....
My 2 kids were always able to say, who thay won'ted to live with me or there dad.
So I think it was hard at times for them and us as PARENTS.
Thay would go back and forth to Calif AND Louisiana and it got ruff.
So it's not always a mothers BAD that there kids won't to live with the other parent.
As long as the kids get to know both parents thats what counts.
Now one is 18 and one is 16 and thay live down by dad....in la.
Im ok with it ..yes !!!!!! Im missing them but it's were thay r most happy at.
keep ur kids happy and safe!!!
 templar62
Joined: 9/9/2007
Msg: 19
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 9/20/2007 8:16:40 PM
I would make note of what she said and not form any immediate opinions/speculations until I've gotten to know the woman better. This is a real good question.
 templar62
Joined: 9/9/2007
Msg: 20
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 9/20/2007 8:19:34 PM
Could be an amicable joint - custody arrangment. Been there done that.
 acrzyduck2
Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 21
What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 9/29/2007 5:48:24 AM
Hard but true in my eyes,
It took two to make that child either at of lust or love, which ever the case some people are not happy being a parent or the grass is greener on the otherside. For my case I believe this is what life was meant to be I love my childern to the point that I will sacrafice any and all to be with them as much as I can when I have my childern that is our time not to be pond off on other so that you can go out and do what ever; In thus it will cost you friends and so on but my childern will know they will have there best friend waiting on them in their time of need. For the parent that can't handle the time that is required it is best to let the otherside raise them they will know thatthey will be taken care of.
So when you meet a woman that says her other has the kids just relizes that if you have childern and you two hook up that she will want to come first, or you will be just chasing the that mystical fish that no one everseems to catch and you could end up hurting yourself. This type of Woman would not be for me so I will just keep on fishing, using the catch and release untill I land that perfect fish.
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 22
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/2/2007 8:49:16 PM
you have to wonder why a lot of people see custody as a "victory".

Maybe without them at your home full time, you HAVE more opportunities to work and be productive for them. Maybe its because support payments are lower than day care bills and are by definition within your budget? Maybe its because you want to encourage your kid(s)' relationship with the other parent? Maybe its the school in their area thats better for them? Maybe they're on a team in that area that they want to stay on? So many different things that have nothing to do with someone being "unfit". No one is perfect, including custodial moms.

And these days most courts grant JOINT custody anyway, so even the parent that doesnt have the kids with them, still has custody. That includes decision making abilities, pick up and drop off authority, education and medical authority, and so on. This can be bad however, when one parent doesnt give the kids their prescrition meds or pick them up on time, etc. and the other parent gets blamed for it.

The way I see it is that there are familial advantages to EVERY situation and status, you just need to know what they are and how they are of benefit. Regardless of what a paper says, or where kids might be staying at any moment or month in time, nothing will ever take them away from a mom. People need to stop being so d*mn judgemental.
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 23
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/4/2007 6:42:17 AM
so if its going to cost you child support payments to the other parent that you dont believe that you should have to pay beacuse the kids deserve to stay with you and not with them (reasons vary), you dont think you should challenge that?

I'm beginnign to see how maybe paying those payments might be cheaper than daycare but I still show my love for them no less. Whose house they stay at isnt a sign of who loves them any more or less. But to cut a long story short, he owes me SO much money that I cant even contemplate sending a dime his way.
 surferlaments
Joined: 1/30/2006
Msg: 24
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:44:57 PM
my initial thought..... selfish ****. i think every boy needs the nurturing that only a mother can give. i am biased no doubt,.....as i was a single parent since my son was 18 months old. as a man, he still has issues that his mother abandoned him. it didn't help that she was an alcoholic drug user. i never said bad things about her to him but essentially he saw her as she was. phew wee, it was not easy raising him alone. i realize there are always circumstances but the question asked for the initial thought.
 desertrhino
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 25
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What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 1/8/2008 9:08:31 PM
eh. My ex-wife knew I was the more devoted parent and that it would be almost impossible for her to complete her medical degree if she took custody of the kids. Granted, she expected me to be her doormat/daycare/handyman for... well, ever, and my move back here with the kids kind of pissed her off, but we all agree that it has been much better long-term for EVERYONE. Now she lives about an hour away, has remarried (to a woman with 3 kids, but that's kind of tangential to the discussion at hand), and we're all doing just fine, thanks.

Besides, she just really wasn't cut out of maternal/nurturing cloth. I, strangely, was. Who knew? I have had to defend her to women *I* was contacting on this kind of site, because they all assumed there was a drug or mental issue that would cause problems/drama later on. Nope, just the usual custodial/non-custodial parent stresses. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. I just happen to have the kids.
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