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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?      Home login  
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 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 31
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?Page 1 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
The problem is OP sees this as a competition of time and feels cheated. ok you can have those feelings, nothing wrong there. However, look outside the box. How often does your bf sees his son, every weekend, every other weekend? if it's every weekend, he gets his child about 8 times or so out of 30. So yes, your bf will try to make those times to be all about his son and him. And now he's going to be deployed overseas and doesn't know when he'll see his son, so spends as much time before he goes. I'm sorry that you don't understand, but when you have a child, there's a bond that you have, that love that makes a parent go thru leaps of fire to make sure his/her child is happy, that the child knows and feels he/she is #1, because that's how it should be. Point and simple.

This isn't a competition, you need to get that out of your head, THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION. This is not a battle over who wins. You have only been with him for 3 months, that's really not that long, yet you expect him to be more devoted to you than his child, there's something wrong there. Yes, call it selfish. If he's making excuses to not see you that much perhaps he feels you resent his child and he isn't that interested. just reading your post, I can feel your resentment towards his child, it's a good thing you haven't met his child, I'm sure he sees there's something going at least. and if it's true that he doesn't want you to go elsewhere but wait for him, then there's something wrong and you need to get out of the relationship.

Seriously, date someone without a child for a few years, find yourself first, be secure in yourself, then in a few years, maybe you're ready to settle and be more open to SHARING your time with your potential bf's child. If you're dating someone with a child because you can't have kids, that's really not a good reason to date someone. Until you change your thoughts of how this is a competition and you should be first, it's not going to work out with dating someone with a child. You need to realize that the child takes priority over you.

I do see that yes after a period of time, tha tyou should be considered important in that person's life to have more consideration in making plans, however if it's just been a short term relationship, then really you're still on your own.

I also see that yes single parents shouldn't martry their lives for the sake of their kids, however if you'r eonly given a certain amount of time with the kids, then you need to communicate to how things will be for awhile, and then when you're further along in the relationship, have that time with the kids be shared. There does need to a balance that needs to be done to help both child and the person you date.

I agree with others, why would you want to date someone who doesn't give much time/effort fo rhis kids? if you're looking for that, then yes go find a deadbeat dad. there are other alternatives, you can adopt or foster when the time comes for that, you don't need to just look for those with kids.
 sun_dance
Joined: 6/27/2007
Msg: 34
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 9:46:41 PM
Wow. I am a single mom and yes, my kids come first. But not to the point where I would make my husband sleep on a couch or anything. I would have not wanted to miss seeing my kid for a weekend either, but I would have taken the trip the following weekend at least to celebrate or arrange for him to come on another weekend. On outings you should feel part of it, not like an outsider. Dating with kids is harder... but when the boyfriend or girlfriend meets the kids, they should feel apart and still like they are special too... not ignored becauses the kids take all and none is left for you.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 64
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 4:34:29 PM

and I guess that's the point I was trying to make to single parents.... HOW IS IT FAIR THAT THEY (the single parent) HAVE TO BE PUT FIRST BUT THEY CAN'T DO THE SAME FOR YOU... That's the only question I need answered..
If I could put my friends or family first, then I wouldn't see it as a problem to be put "second"...
Also, going back to the current guy I'm dating... we were friends for years before we decided to take things further.. why did he make me feel so important when we were friends and in the beginning of the relationship but now he's completely changed.... and no, I've NEVER said anything to him about spending so much time with his son. NEVER!
... and he JUST found out he was deploying a month ago... so him being in DC so much here lately had NOTHING to do with him finding out about being deployed... he was doing all this BEFORE he found out...


it's not about the single parent who is p utting himself first but putting his child's needs first. How wo uld you feel if you were a chld and your parent told you that time is limited cuz the gf wants your attention first? especially if the times they see the child is limited. If he's too busy with his son during the weekends and other things during the week, then yes, maybe you should look into breaking up. I'm sorry that these two relationships showed you inconsideration towards you and pushed you off as not important. If you cant accept or deal with having to be put in second if the potential dater has an emergency with his child then yes it's best to date someone without kids.

If you do decide to date someone who has kids, you shoudl walk in knowing what his expectations are, how much time he can give you, and then you should let that person know that you woiuld like consideration shown to you and have time together and so forth. Being a full time single mom myself, my time is very limited, but hoping that if I meet a great guy whether he has kids or not and willing to share time with, then I'd show consideration and make that person feel important and we can all interact with one another after a period of time. I'd let that person know that my kid's need are first. Because this is how I look at it, you look after their needs first because NO ONE WILL, it's just you that they rely on til they are older and can be self reliant.

It sounds like your bf just doesn't want to commit to you. Since you said he's been friends with you then he sh ould know you by now and should at least share some time with his son with you. I don't know why some guys do this, perhaps he felt so comfortable with you that when you guys went in a relationship, he just didn't have to put any effort or energy to be with you as before. He sounds like a control freak. Date someone close to your age, have fun, someone without kids for awhile. perhaps when you meet someoone special you guys can think of adopting or being a foster parent. I think adopting may be better than dating someone with a child, because you don't have to deal with other parties, soless aggravation for you. Or if you have a need to share time with a child, get into a big sis big bro program.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 72
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 1:19:00 PM
Beka, I am glad you could get something out of this, no one likes to hear negatives, but glad you got to see another perspective of things. If you're like me, you like to give in a relationshp, well why not give to yourself first, then when the time comes, find a guy who can give as you can. a relationship should be 50/50 IMO, if you just go to a guy that just takes, then you'll get burnt out.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 73
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 1:31:36 PM



OMG i hate hate hate ppl who are all abotu their kids, get over it, so what your kid can talk big deal, yes children are important, but i refuse to not have a life because of a child, a parents life never has to revolve around their childs, and i pity ppl who lose peices of themselves when they have kids. Ok go ahead and call me heartless and a selfish ****. My man will always come first, and i will with him too, OP dont settle for second best ever!!!!!


We have children of our own and they are well looked after but we dont ever neglect eachother, my husband was first in my life and he will remain my number one priority, and i wil remain his, however if you wish to lead a life thats not your own, then thats up to you, dont be bitter towards me because i chose not to forget who i really am.


All I can say to this is I feel sorry that you'd rather neglect your kids first so you can put your husband first. That's a shame. Your husband can look after himself but your kids can't. As I mentioned before if you're not there for the kids, no one will be there for them.

My life wasn't on hold when I had my daughter, I look at it as my life being shared by her. I don't know where you got the image that you have to revolve around your kids or y our life stops because you have a child.

And no, no one is bitter towards you and for you to think that is so ridiculous. Our lives are enhanced with kids, it gives us anew perspectives, it does not make us forget who we are.
 blondago56
Joined: 8/21/2004
Msg: 75
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 5:51:22 PM
Apparently (Pun intended) you have Never Fathered a child or Given Birth.... if you have, you Never would have started such a thread, or at least a less anti-child one..... i was in a Longterm Relationship with a man with two daughters, (i myself have two boys) back & forth between him, & ex-wife, was i....... there were times when i felt like a total stranger, and there were times when i felt like i was all that & a bag of chips.... but NEVER did i expect to come before / over his children...
 nameismarcus
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 77
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 6:04:11 PM
Why does it need to be an extreme? Either your kid comes first or you neglect him? The person you're with should be #1 and your kid #2. That's the best way for a relationship to be successful. When both people don't have each other as #1 is when problems will start in the relationship. Remember, your kid will leave you eventually and your husband will theoretically be there for the rest of your life. It's probably not the pc thing to say but this issue is the reason for the next generation becoming a generation of narcissists that think the world revolves around thme.
 blondago56
Joined: 8/21/2004
Msg: 84
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/8/2007 9:20:51 AM
Lijitnflipit67...you notice most of the 'ME before 'Child' opinions come from people who DON'T have children?
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 98
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/8/2007 11:02:28 PM

Why does it need to be an extreme? Either your kid comes first or you neglect him? The person you're with should be #1 and your kid #2. That's the best way for a relationship to be successful. When both people don't have each other as #1 is when problems will start in the relationship. Remember, your kid will leave you eventually and your husband will theoretically be there for the rest of your life. It's probably not the pc thing to say but this issue is the reason for the next generation becoming a generation of narcissists that think the world revolves around thme.


If you are already a parent before you meet someone, why should that person be #1, the child and parent have a bond at this point, why should the child be put in second because someone new came along? And who is to say that the relationship will last, not to be cynical but it's really hard to stay in a relationship for a long period of time these days, so why should you put that person as #1? And as for the "kid" leaving, yes perhaps the child will move on, but if you are important in his/her life, the "kid" won't just leave and ignore you, he/she will make an effort to remain the contact and the relationship. However if the kid grows up feeling unimportant, then there's more of a chance he/she won't want the parent/child relationship to continue or it would be a very rare occasion that you'll stay in touch with your child.

Of course, as a parent to have a child relationship, and a gf/bf or wife/husband relationship, there needs to be a balance that both parties are happy. but once you put it into priority, then it becomes tricky and seriously shouldn't be needed, both couple should be aware that at certain times the kids may require more attention, and once it's done, they can focus on each other. Things should be done to balance things out.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 105
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/9/2007 11:56:28 AM
yes, going to the extremes is not healthy, there has to be valid reasons to why children comes first, however if you're in a beginning of a relationship, then there sh ould be priorioty set. however as someone says, there should be valid reasons to why you would put them first not because they miss you or you miss them.


<div class="quote">Ppl need to understand what im trying to say here, Im not going to have regrets about missing out on things i wanted to do just because i have kids, my whole life will never revolve around my kids, yes i love them yes they are important to me, but my husbands needs come first without him we would have nothing, he pays all the bills and keeps a roof over our heads, So i dont appreciate the comment about my husband being a bad person, everyone in my family is well taken care of. And he is a wonderful man, girls would be lucky to find someone who takes care of them like he does with me and our children.


it's good to see that your kids see you and your husband loves each other but i'm sure they feel in some way they don't have the attention if your husband is there. that may not be significant to you but it may be for them. all you're teaching them is to be codependent on the partner and not show as much attention to their kids once the partner is home.

So because he works and pays for everything, you have to put him in first when he comes home because of that. that's b.s. for you to say you would have nothing without him, why not be self reliant and realize that youare capable as well to provide for the family. what if something happens to your husband, which I hope won't happen but what if something happens, it would go down to you to provide. And you have a job in a way of watching your children more, and not have much of a break right? so don't count yourself short by saying you won't have nothing when you provide just as well in other ways.

have you ever been a single parent? If not, then you don't understand that by coping to be one parent rather than two you try to make your child happy after adjusting to changes and to new people. So yes it's hard for single parents to not put their kids first.
 bertslooking
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 118
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/10/2007 3:31:28 AM
well if he loves you you all should bea family and you should not be left out i do not think it faire or right i have kids to and been there i did not put her first over my kids but made her part of the family sharing and growing together
 nameismarcus
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 123
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/10/2007 5:07:01 PM
Someone shouldn't be called selfish if they want to come first in the relationship. That is their right. Why should they agree to be secondary when they can be first with someone without children?
 berrysweetncgurl
Joined: 8/2/2004
Msg: 128
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/10/2007 8:05:01 PM
obviously the OP does not have children herself

Chick I advise if you want to come first in a relationship, DATE A MAN WHO DOESNT HAVE KIDS!!!!!!!! and never have children because Im sorry to say but when the baby comes in the picture he/she will always be first!
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 136
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/11/2007 11:41:09 AM
I don't think some of you have read thruout the thread. the op has decided when the time is right, she'll date someone without kids. Stop bashing, all she asked was opinions. If this is something that you want to talk about with the priority thing, make another thread on it.
 nameismarcus
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 160
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/16/2007 9:34:14 PM
No offense to anyone but this is one of the big reasons why most people don't want to date a single parent.
 randomstoic
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 179
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/23/2007 4:50:06 PM
Whatever I said in my prior post months ago.

If the immediate prior post is accurate, then I agree with it.
 Daddy_1st
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 201
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 8/26/2007 6:38:58 PM

Simple answer.....no!


It's not quite that simple...

Children and lovers are two different kinds of love. One cannot replace the other, nor should they attempt to. If anyone is seeking to be #1 overall in someone else's life, they're delusional regardless of the presence of children, because an individual should always put themselves first, which by the math used here, would leave you 3rd at best.

Look at it this way...Kids are 1A, you can be 1B...you can be just as important, and obviously more important in some aspects of life, as the children are to your partner. All you can do is make yourself available, don't force yourself into any situation, and keep an open mind. Children are invariably going to face some "replacement" issues at some time, and it's up to their parents to ensure that the children are comfortable in whatever situation they may be placed in. By the same token, any parent that allows their children to manipulate them and control their lives deliberately is bad news, and should be avoided at all costs.

I'm a single dad, "enjoying" joint custody of my daughter, and I deliberately limit my social life for two reasons:

1: At least for now, I'm selfish with every moment my daughter is with me, whether she be sleeping, in school, fishing, in the tub, playing CandyLand with Dora and her Pretty Ponies, or whatever. This may change over time, but for now it is what it is; I don't want her to have to share me with anyone else.

2: The way my schedule is, and with my "availability" for a social life, perception is that I'm either cheating on someone, or just looking for "booty calls." My daughter is with her mom for a majority of the weekend, so that's my "me" time, and I guess since that's the opposite of how most single dad scheduling works, I appear to be a "wolf on the prowl" if I only go out on Thursday/Friday/Sat nights, and it doesn't help if Prince Charming's coach turns into a pumpkin at 11:00 AM Sunday!! Maybe i live in the wrong area, but there's not a whole lot of quality women around here looking for a Weekend Warrior, and I completely understand that, so I essentially eliminate the issue by avoiding it entirely.

I'm also kind of "old-fashioned" about bringing someone into my daughter's life until I know it's a serious relationship, because I don't want to be parading people in and out of her life. She's not stupid, and unfortunately, she's already been educated on the difference between friends and "friends," and this is definitely one situation where what's good for the goose is most definitely not good for the gander or the gosling.

The way I see it, at least for now, it's easier to focus on my daughter, making sure I can provide the best home for her, be the bestest Daddy I can, and worry about me when the time is right.

There's my 2 cents...don't spend it all in one place...

Tony
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 219
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/2/2007 12:35:45 PM
I sure hope not.
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/4/2007 5:05:34 AM
When you become involved with a man with child/children you are also going to be part of that childs life. It's not fair to the child to be tossed aside. Just because when you met that man the child wasnt around much, what happens if somewhere down the line he gains full custody? I myself wont date a man who has never had kids, as they cant relate, and maybe thats what your issue is, if you dont have a child you dont know what its about. Good luck, and keep looking for that childless man.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 229
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/6/2007 9:49:38 AM

The truth is YES you will always be 2nd best to the man's child but it does not mean you cant become a part of that childs life too. Try showing an interest in getting to know the child, offer to go with him when he drives a long trip to see his child and foremost...you should give that man ALOT of credit for being a part of his childs life. There are too many children out there who come from a divorced family and do not have anything to do with their mother or father.

So in answer to your question: and I quote: How the hell can a child come before you??? You are supposed to be the ADULT, I suggest you act like one! If any man or woman puts their child, no matter what the childs age is, 2nd to someone they are dating then I have no respect for that parent at all.


To all who state unequivocally that the child *always* comes first, I hope you'll all be very happy when you're all alone after your children have grown up and are out living their own lives.

Yes, children do 'come first' in many, many situations, especially when they're small...but if a single parent, male or female, intends to have a partnership, including marriage, with someone, then they had better know how to balance things so that all people in the family, parent, child, and new partner/spouse get what they need when they need it. This 'comes first' mentality has frankly been beaten to death on here, and I don't believe people who haven't been able to make a relationship work to begin with will ever learn how to do that if they are blinded by this idea that a child always comes first and there's no balance there.

Children need love, support, understanding, attention, patience, boundaries, etc...and too many parents, especially separated and/or divorced ones, try to do/buy everything for their kids because they feel guilty the marriage broke up...This does such a disservice to those kids! Kids aren't stupid, and even little ones understand much more than some give them credit for. Overdoing out of remorse or guilt hurts them more than helps them. And frankly, seeing one's parent in a good, loving, happy relationship will do more to restore that child's faith in relationships being able to work than anything else, IMO.

If people don't put their new partner/spouse 'first' at times, they will have nothing left of their relationship by the time the children grow up and are on their own. Relationships - all of them, partner, spouse, children - need to be nourished; and some more will need it more than others at times...one day the kids will need more of you, the next week it may be your spouse. People need to learn what makes a relationship good, and how to balance it all.

And before anyone decides to slam me for not knowing what I'm talking about because my profile says I'm single and don't have any kids, it doesn't mean I haven't had very long relationships and haven't raised kids; I have to both. So I'm talking from experience *and* common sense.
 ou812ic
Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 239
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/11/2007 12:32:34 PM
Once you have akid talk to us andI will bet my house your point of view has changed
 ou812ic
Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 240
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/11/2007 12:33:18 PM
better yet you and your man should have a kid together then you will have a reason to be home too
 Daddy_1st
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 246
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/16/2007 9:40:05 PM

If she's at school and has a runny nose, should I leave my job and rush there to wipe it? If she wants to play checkers, should I forget about the pork chops on the stove and allow them to burn? Think I'm exaggerating?


Yes, I do think you're exaggerating, and being a bit ridiculous in your defense of a purely semantic issue.

To use your examples...

If I even knew my daughter had a runny nose at school, there'd be a problem with the school calling me for such a minor detail, and I'd change schools as quickly as I could. I consider that good parenting, to know that the other people who care for my child are capable of doing what is necessary while she's in their care.

If my daughter wanted to play checkers while I was cooking dinner, I'd turn the burner off, or down to a low simmer, and spend the 15 minutes to play the game. I'm a pretty rigid parent, but any time you can make with your children cannot be replaced, and pork chops are cheap. Those are the moments you cherish and hold onto, not "what we had for dinner on 9-15-07" To quote Dolly Parton/Aerosmith, I don't want to miss a thing...


Show me an example anywhere in this thread where any of the people boasting from their "children always come first" pedestal have drawn the line.


I may not be able to provide an example, but again, I believe your argument is based in semantics...some people say "always comes first" while others prefer to use the term "first priority." Arguing vernacular is a sure-fire way to lose an argument, which is why yours is invalid. To-MAY-toh, To-MAH-Toh, so to speak.


Understand why some of us are getting sick of this martyr syndrome?


Us? You speaking for a group now? Would they choose to identify you as their mouthpiece? I'm willing to bet on "No" for that one.

As far as "martyr" goes, that one word is the reason I even responded to this post in the first place. Speaking only for myself, I resent the use of that word, as if I somehow represent myself as better than someone else because I choose to put my daughter ahead of anyone else in my life, myself included at times. While I do consider myself a better parent than those who do not raise their children as their number one priority, only time will tell if I'm correct in that judgment.

I guess none of it will mean much if my daughter gets shot by their kid from the Stanford University clock tower with a sniper rifle...

I've read damn near every post in this thread, and I have yet to see any one of them where someone was looking for sympathy for their "plight," only empathy from like-minded people. Of course, with every point comes a counter-point, and you are entitled to your opinion. I would like to see where this "martyrdom" is presenting itself though, as I must have missed it along the way. Perhaps you can provide me with an example or two?
 WARWIZARD
Joined: 6/26/2007
Msg: 248
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/17/2007 5:10:05 AM
responsabillaty 2 ones children should come first coaperation and resposabillaty 2 ur lover shouldent be put aside thers time for happyness and its now . . .
 dontmakecookies
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 252
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/17/2007 10:38:43 PM
Its hard dating as a single parent because, in the beginning, the kids come first and there really easy a strong imbalance.

However, I am with those that believe that kids do not come first over a spouse or seriously committed relationship -- definitely not a spouse. I remember when that woman in NY wrote the article on how she loved her husband more than her kids. She said that if she had to choose she would choose her husband. She was drawn and quartered. It was ridiculous. Her kids were a heckuva a lot luckier than any of the kids of people who criticized her. I think my parents for the great example of love for one another that they showed me. What about putting your spouse first FOR your kids sake? Historically, spouses were supposed to love each other first and through that support their children.

But I keep that in perspective. The post above talks about first in control of the relationship or family. I should hope the adults are working that out together and you have a new partner who doesn't have interests that conflict with those of your children. Being controlling is problematic any time. But a partner in your life can and should come first in your heart if it is a healthy relationship.

This putting the children first crap no matter what is a very new thing, post 60's anyway. What the heck does it mean? Of course you get them up and prep them and send them off to school, or do what is necessary on a day to day basis. But, given that they are certainly in no position to be in control of the home what does being first mean? Give an example, where in a healthy relationship between a reasonable man and woman that the parent should properly put the kids over the needs of their spouse.
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