Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > 2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 beerchen
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 1
view profile
History
2.5 kids, picket fence and a dogPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I have never started a thread before, so bear with me.

We all have had experience, whether good or bad, in previous relationships. Should that keep us from having no further interest in monogamous relationships?

Is is wrong to hope for the man who will sweep you off your feet, make your heart flutter, and at times give you the peace and tranquility needed.

Is it wrong to hope for the american dream of house with white picket fence, kids, and a dog ( insert prefered pet here)?

If it's not wrong, then where are the guys who want the same?
I'm not talking next week or next month, yet with the same dreams and variations thereof . ( monogamous only accepted, guess i'm narrowminded there)

happy fishing

 beerchen
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 2
view profile
History
2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog
Posted: 7/7/2007 5:44:03 AM
Funny you said that.

I can see where men may have reserves to commit to a monogamous relationship because of custody battles, property divisions and such.

Fortunately for me, this has not happend. At least when it comes to property, home, etc.
 beerchen
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 3
view profile
History
2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog
Posted: 7/7/2007 5:57:55 AM

It's sad, but true, some people just cannot 'see' the bigger picture


I know what you mean there.

Sure, all has to start as bf/gf. But when looking at the big picture or future if you will, who can not see the truth in being able to be in love for the rest of time.

ok ok, so maybe people can confuse love with lust, commitment with obligations.

That's why folks should communicate, speak truely about how they feel and not simply say what they expect the other person wants to hear.
 beerchen
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 4
view profile
History
2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog
Posted: 7/7/2007 7:00:01 AM

got a gut feeling that we will get some good tidbits of information out of this thread


And that's just why i asked the questions i did.

I know to be realistic about what dreams i have and what can be.
I can accept flaws, as long as mine are accepted as well.

nobody is perfect, though many people try to be.

um.. what's p155?

and the serial monogamist... uh scary thought.
What else will society come up with?
 beerchen
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 5
view profile
History
2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog
Posted: 7/9/2007 4:10:42 AM
Well, I guess it wouldn't have to be a picket fence.

The idea of the thread was to find out what other people thought about the so called ''American Dream".

Still it baffels me to see how many people look at the thread, and seem to have no opinion.
 gonzofanmel
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 6
view profile
History
2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog
Posted: 7/9/2007 9:52:43 AM
Personally, I don't want a picket fence in my yard...at least, not unless I can use it to impale certain people and small fuzzy wabbits.......



2.5 kids? What, are we women too lazy to have whole children anymore? How does this one work....everything comes out but one arm and one leg? Jeepers. That would be AWESOME!

 beerchen
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 7
view profile
History
2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog
Posted: 7/9/2007 5:09:10 PM

When you cease to dream you stop living because as long as you dream, you have HOPE. Hope is what keeps us going people.


My thought exactly.
We all had our own experiences with good or bad relationships . And certainly some of them have left us skeptics. We worry if the person we are going to show interest in will do some of those ever so evil things that have bothered us in the past.


So, i guess there are a couple of choices left to the "single" people of today.
1. Keep to yourself and live as a hermit.
2. Date as much as one can , have fun at it. But run if it should get anywhere near serious.
3. Jump into relationships without truely knowing the person you are with.
4. Find a person you can not only be friends with, but can not stand to be without. And let the dream evolve with ups and downs, faults and surprises, good and bad.

I could probably go on in this list. but.. then again, each of us have their own version of what they see their life, relationships, and future to be.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 8
view profile
History
2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog
Posted: 7/9/2007 6:43:07 PM
It is RIGHT to hope for a dream. But it is WRONG to hope in the things that you believe will lead you to that dream.

Let's stop and think for a minute:

Do you want a house with a white picket fence, or would a beautiful hedge be just as nice?
Why can't your current house have a white picket fence?
Do you love a dogs that much that you own one?

What do we mean by these things?

We really mean: emotional contentment. To feel at ease with all things and to have our needs met.

Notice I said NEEDS, not WANTS. They are 2 different things.

As long as he is busy at his job, that is enough. It doesn't matter if he works nights or days.
As long as the bills are paid, that is enough. It doesn't matter if you have a lot of money or very little.
As long as the house is clean, tidy, and looks good on the outside and the inside, that is enough. It doesn't matter if it's big or small, fence or hedge, garden or none at all.
As long as there is love and contentment in the house, that is enough. It doesn't matter if it's from a dog, cat, kids, or him.

Fulfilment is NOT what you dreamed of. It is the dream itself, of truly feeling contented and being at one with all things in this great Earth.

This is what I have learned.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 9
view profile
History
2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog
Posted: 7/9/2007 7:35:17 PM
I like this discussion of serial monogamists. I first came across this idea in the mid-80s, but it only really started to take hold by the mid-90s. I can talk about it from several ways, but here's 2 ways:

1) The plan
========
We all want stuff, but we don't know how to get it. So, do we go after it, or try to learn how to do it? Do we heck! We just think up ways to MAKE IT HAPPEN! We call this a plan.

We want an emotional connection, or bond with another. So we figure we can get that by having a "relationship".
But now we need a relationship, so we figure we can get that by getting to know enough people that we find someone we can have that with.
But now we need to spend time with people, so we figure that if we go out to dinner or do something fun, and talk, and have sex, we get to know those people well enough to know if they are someone we can have the relationship with.

This is like a 3-pot plant in pool. We are trying to hit ball A, so ball A hits ball B, so ball B hits ball C. But anyone who's ever played pool KNOWS this is one of the most difficult shots to master and rarely comes off. It only comes off in a few cases, and requires a very long time to master. You have to hit thousands of balls to get that level of skill. But to win a game of pool, you only need to learn to hit one ball in the pocket, EVERY SINGLE TIME!

It's the same with us. All we need to learn to do is to cultivate the emotional connections in our lives, and we've hit the ball in the pocket. We've got what we wanted in the first place.

The above manoeuvre is called playing games.
What I am talking about is getting to the heart of the matter.

You have to realise that to achieve your goals, you have to achieve those goals.

You have to realise that by achieving the intermediary goals you set up in order to achieve those goals, errors will creep in, and you will be very unlikely to achieve those goals.

So give up your plans. Go for your goals, of establishing emotional connections. It's not found in sex, or dating. Those come once you have established the emotional connection.

2) The game
=========
OK. Now we know what to do. But how did we get here?
That's easy.
We want an emotional connection: that feeling we had when we were 10, and we used to go and play with our best friend.
But then we discover that we grow out of that. We want the best friend, but no-one wants to be best friends anymore. It's all about who's popular.
First we think that getting a boyfriend will do it. That didn't work.
Then we think that getting a guy into bed will do it. Nope, doesn't work either.
Then we think that falling in love will do it. Nope, doesn't work either.
Then we think that getting him to commit will do it. Nope, doesn't work either.
Then we think that having kids will do it. Nope, doesn't work either.
Then we think that good sex will do it. Nope, doesn't work either.
Then we give up.
Then, we realise that what we wanted was a best friend. That special feeling we have, when it no longer matters who likes us, who is attracted to us, who wants to marry us. Just someone who likes being with us, and it doesn't matter to either of us what we do: we can be in bed for a week, or stay up all night talking, or just do the washing up together, or just walk all day and not say a word.

But we can be 50 by the time that comes around. Meanwhile, everyone is playing games in order to get there, and we know that won't work. We ourselves are experimenting, when that is just trying things that might get us what we want. It's still a game, because it's all just trying things to get what we want.

As long as we 'experiment' and make plans to see what we can achieve, we won't get what we want, because we aren't going for what we want. We get what we are going for, and THAT IS NOT WHAT WE WANT!

I don't want to be Gandalf, or Galadriel, or Aragorn. I'm just a Hobbit. I love who I am, and just want another Hobbit to live with.

But it wasn't a wizard who saved Middle-Earth, or a great king, or an elf, or even a dwarf. It was a simple Hobbit.
 Change Of Pace
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 10
view profile
History
2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog
Posted: 7/10/2007 12:51:23 AM
I think dreams are fluid...in my 20s and 30s I wanted that dream more than anything. I left the States...live in a 3 bed detached with no fence...have 1 adult child and my dream is to roam Europe for the next 20 years and retire in the States--I'd like a companion to share it with, but it's fluid. I'll never stop dreaming, but I'll never dream the same one over and over...I'll also never look back and have regrets.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > 2.5 kids, picket fence and a dog