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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 1
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Been reading these threads for quite a while now, and realize that perhaps my cyber relationships are different than most. And wondering why?

I got my first computer, post web, in 2003. Found my first blog that December. It was a political blog, and very very active. I knew within a month those that I would be able to love. Over the next six months, that sense grew. Many of us met that summer. I was in no way surprised at any of them. Mind you, we met sight unseen. No pictures had been exchanged. We just walked into each others' lives and were as real in person as we'd been in cyber-space. One that I didn't meet that summer later came into real life, and we lived together until he died. No surprises there, either.

So, in three years plus of meeting people, letting them into my real life, with one exception, everyone has been exactly who they said they were, and my mind, body, soul reacted exactly as I expected. The one exception was from here (PoF), and was as best I can describe, a sociopath. But I've had a couple of those in my life long before the internets, and they are no easier to detect face to face than in cyber space.

I don't think of myself as extra cautious nor in any way paranoid. I guess I'm saying, I don't understand what all the "fear of online relationships" comes from. Are *we* (over 45) doing better than average because we've somehow learned realism, or worse, because we're *desperate* to find that last love, and therefore ignore warning signals that those younger than us with more time to go don't?

 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 2
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/10/2007 4:04:02 PM
Count me in as another person who prefers to still believe in people. I am not usually disappointed and have a fairly good sense of judgement when it comes to who I wish to meet. Having said that I do not take unnecessary risks with my safety, and have not found that to be a problem with most gentleman, so it's public places and my own transportation for the first few dates until a rapport is built. All in all, I am enjoying my time on POF, in the forums, getting out and meeting people and enriching my life by knowing them. Love is possible for any age but then I AM AN OPTIMIST.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 3
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/10/2007 5:09:02 PM
There really is no reason to be paranoid about online encounters. Good common sense requires that people be cautious, online and off.
However, my experience is that being online a person can be anything he wants to be, even if this is only in his/her own mind.
People tend to project different personalities online, knowing that they are within their safety zone, their computer.
I do not have horror stories either, but I have met some less than desirable characters. I have always been vigilant and safety oriented, not necessarily only regarding my physical safety. I have come across some unscrupulous people, but then again this happens in real life too.
I prefer the option of being able to screen potential dates on line, before I decide to meet. It is by no means a guarantee of the person's integrity, but the screening process helps eliminate obvious problems.
I have to reinforce OP's question about desperation. I think that this particular state of mind leads to a reckless behavior and flawed judgment.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 4
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/11/2007 11:38:02 AM
OP, have to agree...I figure it's because we've been around a bit, had some experience, learned some things, and have realized that there are good and bad people everywhere but usually more good than bad. Plus we also know what mistakes not to make again ;) I see so many posts from younger people (teens through mid 30s) who are making many of the same mistakes many of us probably made when we were younger, but they now also have to contend with the internet and online dating - which opens up a lot bigger range of people and which percentage-wise will have that many more strange ones.

I haven't had a bad experience once in 2 years of being online; but then I also don't go meeting any and everyone who contacts me. I know many in our age range that are looking for a long-term relationship who do the same...maybe it's because we know what we want and being busy and having full lives we don't want to waste time meeting people we already know aren't a good fit. We do our weeding before we meet people in person, whereas many of those posting about bad experiences appear to meet just about anyone.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 5
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/11/2007 12:38:49 PM
There are definately people that we need to avoid on the internet. (UNfortunately).

Want to see me good from angel to there worse nightmare in less than a second ?

On the internet, I have learned to put out my boundries real early. Most of those we need to avoid will quickly move on to more vulnerable prey.

I find it wise to always remember that bad things do happen to good people.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 6
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/11/2007 1:28:27 PM
Msg 8...I'm sorry that happened to you...and, as women, we do have to be more cautious in some ways in many areas of our lives...But creeps like those could have happened regardless of how and where you met those two guys...simply because that's the type of people they were. But if it's happened to you more than once, then maybe you should look at the types of people you're agreeing to meet and see if there's anything similar about them, and about what caused you to pick them. I'm not saying anyone deserves anything like this to happen to them, not at all; just that we also share some responsibility in choosing who we meet and we also need to be cautious about that.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 7
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/11/2007 2:30:52 PM
A genius can't see through some creeps. I says make it clear from the begining that no nonsense will be tolerated, and that any non sense will be dealt with.

I comes it crystal clear that I am not into sports sex before meeting anybody.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 8
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/11/2007 4:47:08 PM

How many of us on this forum remember growing up in houses where front doors were never locked, where cars were left unlocked to go to the grocery store?


Perhaps I shouldn't admit it, but I still do. If my keys weren't in the ignition, I wouldn't know where they were. I *have* been known to lock the front door of the house when leaving for a month or six weeks. . . .


 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 9
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 11:01:26 AM
It is nice to have radar though and I think it builds with experience.

Just had a gentleman contact me who said he was moving to my town from Quebec City in September - wanted me to send him photos - I did the ones from here and a few more. We talked on the phone once and saw each other on webcam (fully clothed ).
He trys to convince me to visit him in Quebec City before Sept; I say no, as I do not consider it safe to go visit a strange man, in a strange city, where the 1st language spoken isn't mine. WTF ?? #1

He then throws a twist at me, in the middle of our 2nd phone call, that ok then, there is no point our talking till after Christmas ? ( any red flags going off for you ladies yet - ) WTF?? #2 - 2 strikes so far and this 2nd one seems like a power game to me, especially since he says - "You'll probably break down and call me, before then( he doesn't know me very ). I had make him a tag with a beagle, as he said had had a beagle, and loved dogs. I send him this signature tag, I made him , and this is what he wrote back:


Hi Bonnie,
Well you sure figured out my weak spot as well as the fastest way to get to my heart lol
Scary what else you could do with me lol
I feel like it's Christmas and New Year's lol
Could you e-mail me your photos and phone number(s)?
Looking forward to talking with you


WTF ??? # 3 !!! he had forgotten who I was . I replied that I was glad he had liked the tag,I made him, that he already had my photos and number, but I suspected with all the women he was playing, it was probably hard for him to keep track. I also told him I wasn't into crowds .

So yeah there are baddies but radar and common sense helps us keep their infleunce on us to a minimum hopefully, and if any of my women friends want this guy's name so they can be warned ahead of time, email me

I am off to see if there are any good fish around - bass, trout, pike, muskeg - these sucker fish just annoy me - happy and safe everyone
 lovin2blivin
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 10
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 12:07:41 PM
I hear ya wooby, it seems like there is so much Taboo put on meeting someone online that it is enough to immobilize most. It almost seems that a background check, bank statement, list of references and letter of recommendation is needed before agreeing to go for coffee! I doubt if our parents would ever had us had they been under such scrutiny!

A meet for coffee is not a life time commitment. Everyone online isn't on 'The Most Wanted List' in the nearby Police station. People meet people everyday and share a moment of their time with total strangers and never think twice about it. Yes, the fist few conversations can give off messages that you either like or dislike and it's up to each individual how they proceed or don't from there.

It is difficult to find someone you 'think' would be a good match, and later find yourself 'deleted' after the first meet, but that's a chance all of us took when we decided to join this site. A coffee is just a coffee, for heavens sake! Have an escape plan if you need one, but for your own sake, give yourself a chance to exercise your social skills and be a command post in the direction your life takes and not an undercover detective...sorry for the pun.
 antjeanie
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 11
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 8:54:19 PM
I have to say that I haven't met ant REAL wierdos here. Some have been questionable
----but I don't meet them. The people that I have met, and the people that I keep in
touch with (mostly met thru the forums)---are really nice people, and friends.
Remember the "old days" when you would meet someone in a bar, nightclub, etc-----------you would give your phone #---if you were interested------they would call you---------and you would either say yes or no-------and you would go out!! There wasen't
all this stuff about "talking" for 3 months before you decided if you wanted to meet or not! Now we " meet" people that we may have an interest in----and have to live thru the cyber-space rules------=whatever they are. OH--------for the old days!!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 12
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/14/2007 12:15:58 PM
I too have meet some wonderful people though the net. I have also meet the type of people who pretended to be one thing and were actually anything but.

No crystal ball here either. I used to think that anyone who became a victim did so by being a victim. I am not victim, but I have met on the net people who tried to victimize me.

Those who think that they have too much going on to ever be a victim might find that the law of averages might find them with someone who is going to try to victimize them.

This doesn't stop me from being here on the net, or make me paranoid. It just means that when the next person tries to pull of wool over my eyes, or successed in pulling the wool over my eyes that it wouldn't send me into shock.

I see both men and women a little offended because of a thread talking about negative behaviour of the opposite sex. There posts say but I am a gentleman/lady and people are just being paranoid to expect anything else might happen. Yes, most of the people we meet on the net will be gentlemen/ladies, but there will be others that we recognize as being anything but.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 13
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/15/2007 9:05:45 AM

I believe you can think you fall in love from afar and on the net. Although if that carries through when you meet in person would have to be seen. Words can be taken in many different ways, thus producing the person you 'wish' you could find, when in reality..they aren't that way at all.


...How true, often that fantasy you have had about that person vanishes when you finally meet. ...Its like reading a book, you have an image in your mind what that character should look like and act like....and we find ourselves a bit disappointed when maybe they don't meet our expectations. Its no ones fault, reality bites sometimes.



...maeflowers

 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 14
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/16/2007 5:41:28 AM

OMG!!!! Celticmist, I can empathasize with you


LOL Splash, no need to empathasize or sympathize - man was red lighted from our first conversation, he gave me a laugh that's all.
I have been here almost 2 years now and my radar has gotten pretty sharp. I sometimes feel like Robbie the robot on " Lost in Space", as I ger these " warning Will Robinsons' going off in my head when conversing with certain man on here. It could be just the old spidey senses kicking in too, whatever it is , I listen to it. LOL
 Mzzzy
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 15
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/25/2007 9:34:19 AM
I think we get bolder and freer in our thinking as we get older..I know I sure have.
 marelee
Joined: 4/16/2005
Msg: 16
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/26/2007 7:38:20 AM
Although, the world we were raised in was one of safety and for the most part truth's. The world has changed. I've been online now for over 10 years. Tried the chat rooms for awhile, boy are they a trip.. Learned fast that the using a computer gave people the option of anonymity. What you think you see in a person is only what they want you to see.

Yesterday, the announcement was made on the news of the arrest of a child molester who was on a dating service looking for a female with children.

Having been around for this long I have run across a great deal online, and I will tell you that the last 4 or 5 years online has completely changed what the internet was 10 years ago. I still believe before inviting someone into my life, I need to be very careful of who that person really is. Until you run across one of the preditors online the new generation mistrust may not make sense, but it is justified. I have been one to state, that one might require a copy of a spouse death certificate, a birth certificate of the person you are becoming involved with, divorce papers if necessary, and testimony from 2 out of three children. I have run across the married men, who fail to tell you they have a wife and even though they claimed they were separated, they are still living at home with the lady of the house. Men who claimed to be 55 and without a doubt in my mind, knowing they were at least 10 years older. And the ones who wait until you've seen them several times to tell you how terrible their children are and have no relationship with them at all. Trust or not to Trust.. Eye of the beholder.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 17
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/26/2007 5:24:45 PM
Update -- I'm here in beautiful Southern Ontario. Been talkin' with this fella since Mid-May. He is exactly who he said he was, only better in person. His comment? You look exactly like your picture. He likes and understands my cat, and it's mutual. Bet if I wuz a betting woman, I'd put some real cash on this one. . . .





 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 18
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/27/2007 6:28:35 AM

If ya wanna keep your sanity in this, don't ever forget your sense of humour.


Those words are so true. I find people so desperate to find love, that they forget that it's supposed to be a happy thing and fun.
 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 19
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/27/2007 11:00:03 AM
Ah Shipoker if that's a rat on your shoulder, I am pretty sure that would keep a lot of women at bay
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 20
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 10/14/2008 11:53:08 PM
let's see, i met my first husband in grad school. ten years after that divorce, got my second husband from a new jersey newspaper, got my last SO from green singles, and my kids "got me" at an adoption fair at the oakland zoo. go figure! it sure was a lot easier in undergrad college, hanging out at saint adrian's with the greenwich village "art scene" and at sweet basil's with doc cheatham, eating a bowl of steamed clams and "kibbutzing" .

you rock, wooby!

ps re the "teeth" question from the "new"gentleman above: i'm going in for eye surgery soon. those who already know me, will see me. those who do not, will have to wait! and we will see, if the ones who know me will run far with bandages wrapped around my face. oh well, that's life. my mother used to say, if they can't take a joke, __'em. (oops! i just talk about my old haunts, and i get "toilet mouth"!) i am sooooooooo polite on the internet, hmph.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 21
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 1/18/2010 4:31:54 PM
Bet if I wuz a betting woman, I'd put some real cash on this one. . . .


And I'd have lost a bundle, lol! He and I are still very good friends, however. He's got a lady he loves, and I met the man of ma heart three months later.

So peeps can be who they say they are, and get along wonderfully well, and it *still* doesn't work out. But other things do. Just like "real life," eh?

 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 22
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 1/19/2010 8:22:19 AM
Jeepers...I think I'll wait for the movie. ^^^^^^^
 rustytraveler
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 23
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 1/21/2010 12:25:07 AM
Like most games.... you learn the rules and as you go along, you spot the ones who play the game on the up and up and the ones who play dirty... no different than at the office, at your city council or any playing field now is it? You just put your street smarts on, listen, ask pertinent questions.... and get on with it.

Like wooby and the catsmeow... most of my actual 'meets' have been good and some even wonderful ... but I think it's YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself and do your homework out here in cyberspace...... can't have your head in the clouds or be in the dream market with visions of white knights or maid Marian floating around the old bean... but if someone is showing himself to being playing a fun, respectful and fair game... then why not join in?
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 24
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 1/23/2010 10:56:29 PM
^^^ Plenty they can't find out about you if you don't put it on your computer. And hacking is illegal, so if you put up with it. . . .

Be aware, but be reasonable.

 rustytraveler
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 25
Stick around OP-it gets worse
Posted: 2/11/2010 1:13:25 AM
One woman shaved 2 years off her age and confused-like i cared.


I had a guy tell me that after talking to a woman for months and they finally met (he actually flew to meet her)... and she was 16 yrs older!!!! Now he had something to complain about!

I regularly have men shave 10 yrs off their age and.... 4 inches in height on average ... but then I live in Italy, most of em are shorties.

People are vain, people want better than what they should expect, people are fallible, insecure, unrealistic and HUMAN... so imperfect. There are ways to weed through the vanity lies however... sometimes just asking point blank and using a webcam helps... if they really want to meet up they will OWN UP .

It's learning the unspoken rules... and you'll have to make the effort to do that, if you want some modicum of success.

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