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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Caught him... now what?      Home login  
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 5
Caught him... now what?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Mind your own business, and if you don't have any business, make it your business, to leave other peoples business alone.
 johnny prophet
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 8
view profile
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/10/2007 9:14:32 PM
Go to his profile.

At the bottom of the profile, there are little boxes where you can fill in the name and email of your friend and she'll get an email that says:

"I think this guy (link) is perfect for you."

That'd be about the most tactful way I can imagine letting your friend know.
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 11
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/10/2007 9:23:42 PM
aw cmon...
i cant stand these "hes a bum and a cheat, but she loves him" posts
do women like your friend actually exist??? I cant personally say I know any woman willing to pay more than her fair share and get screwed as part o the deal in her waking mind....
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 12
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/10/2007 9:25:08 PM
You call her your very good friend yet you hesitate to tell her that the man moving in with her is a low down dirty scumbag you caught red-handed on a dating site and bold faced lying to your very good friend about him not having connections to the interwebs (LOL!)? Come on! There's only one thing a girl can do:

Email his profile to your very good friend then let HER decide if she want to continue seeing the scumbag or turn a blind eye to his obvious cheating and lying ways. Either way, you can sleep at night with a clear conscience knowing that you did indeed try to help your friend.

Happy fishing.
Joined: 10/28/2006
Msg: 13
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/10/2007 9:37:08 PM

It's true though, he could be coming on here for the forums right?[\quote]

In a sense it could be true....BUT...if he's already told her that he hasn't had internet in weeks...then it sounds like he's being a little too "fishy".

Not sure why this is "quoting" everything. Supposed to only be quoting the first line.
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 16
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/10/2007 10:23:08 PM
If history has though me anything it's to stay the hell out of other peoples bedroom, nothing good can ever come from putting your nose where it does not belong.

If you tell her about your snooping around and they break up, you will get blamed at some point for the break-up......

If you tell her and they stay together she will resent you for trying to break them up.

If they break -up then get back together, they will resent you for being the reason for the breakup in the first place.

You friend found out about the guy being online before and took him back, what makes you think him being online again the results will be any different this time????.

Your friend knows the guys character and is still with him, she has to learn her lesson the hard way, she will know when it's time to let him go.... It's your job as a friend to be there for her when that time comes.

Here is something else to ponder before you go sticking your nose where it don't belong..

You finding the guys profile was very easy, matter if fact the guy had his picture up i assume and was right out there in the open. don't you think if your friend gave a rats ass about him being online she would have went searching for him? and don't you think she would have found him just as easily as you did?.

And don't you think if the guy was trying to hide something he would have done a better job of hiding his profile? This is after all a guy that was caught online while in a relationship.

Edit... thanks just goes to show just how much searching i do online lol.

 Bridge Jumper
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 18
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/10/2007 10:31:41 PM
If your going to tell her you better have some proof to back it up. If you tell her and he finds out then he'll just come on here and delete his profile. Then you'll look like a liar and a fool. Print off all the info you can or invite her over and turn on the computer.
Joined: 9/29/2006
Msg: 20
view profile
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/10/2007 11:20:08 PM
If one is a true friend....we assume an obligation to not only protect our friends from deceivers but to be honest with them. If they can't count on honesty from a friend, who can they depend on? Once you found out about his deception, you have no choice as a friend......but to enlighten her......but do it in such a way, that he can't dispute the facts (print off a copy of his profile showing the date and the last time he was on) and provide her with this information.

What she decides to do with it, is her decision, but you will have done the correct thing as her friend. I would be terribly upset if someone I considered a friend, was aware of information that could potentially be harmful to me and didn't tell me.
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 25
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 12:59:31 AM
I don't call seeing each other on & off for a few years as a serious relationship. They should be free to see whoever they want when their "off". I just don't see how she could call it off when they are only casually dateing each other occationally anyway. Theres probably more to it, but thats the only thing I could make out about it. Not exactly cheating, a lot of people visit just for the forums, but of course it could be more then that.
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 28
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 5:38:40 AM
You are in a really tuff position, one I have been in before. I weighed the pro’s & con’s before I told my friend. Our friendship was never the same again, I did cover all my basis, when telling her. It was by no means because I was jealous of their relationship, because I couldn’t be happier for a friend. I believe in being honest in any friendship whether it’s with my girl or guy friends. My concessions would tear me up, until I either, blurted it out at in convince time or I would pull away because I couldn’t see him with out sarcasms. So, I mite as well tell her.
In your situation, she was aware he was on a dating site before & either he lied or groveled to get back into her good gracious. The fact is she believed him again, you aren’t going to be chaperoning her through her whole relationship rite. She has to accept what he says or questions ever line he has. In my eyes, it's not a good basis for starting a relationship & is doomed to fail in heart ache.
One thing I am glad it’s not me, what a schemer, just what else is he lying about? He could just return under a new nic anyways.
 Change Of Pace
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 29
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Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 5:50:58 AM
I had a long term partner cheat on me and my best friend told me, face to face. She took an incredible risk and I'm happy to say we've stayed friends for years. I hated her for about a week, but it didn't take long to come to grips with who the bad guy was...I have tremendous respect for anyone who is a true friend no matter how difficult.
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 30
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 6:15:15 AM
You need to stay out of it. Her relationship is her ownership and his ownership. Meddling friends are never within their rights to interfere in a couple's relationship. Believe me, if there is anything to be concerned about, it'll come out in it's own time. Then you can be there to offer support as a friend.

P.S. Why are you checking up on him? That's not your responsibility.

P.S. again - it is also possible he may be keeping his options open because her friends are meddling in "their" business. Just a different perspective on this.
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 34
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 6:40:16 AM
If you put someone in your favorites, you can see the date last online. Also, user name search also shows "online today" I do believe.
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 35
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 7:01:22 AM
"A close friend has been seeing a man on and off for a couple of years"

What am i missing here? No way does this even sound like a relationship, let alone anything exclusive. This sounds more like a FWB situation than a relationship. Where in the OP does it even say they were in any kind of a relationship?

If anyone in these forums have ever read anything i wrote they know my stance on cheaters. But i also draw the line at snooping and meddling friends, The OP is a meddler who went searching the internet for the guys profile. She "found" it the first time and snitched on the guy to a mutual friend who then told her friend, they are still together, matter of fact they are about to move in together. So if her meddling did not bare any fruit last time what would make us think it will this time?.

The guy is not even trying to hide his profile, which tells me he really don't think he has anything to hide.

Before i moved to Canada i was living in Las Vegas, My best friend and his wife also lived in Vegas. My friends mom got sick and he had to go back to Ohio to stay with her for awhile. Every day after work i would go over to his house and check on his wife, make sure everything is ok and she if she needed help with anything. One day i go over and she had been drinking, we are talking on the couch and without any kind of warning she turn and start trying to kiss me. I jump up and say something like "Jerry what the Fu ck you doing Jimmy is my best friend" to which she replied "Jimmy is in Ohio, i am not going to tell him, are you?".

I got the hell out of there and stayed away from his house till he got back, I never mentioned the incident to him nor did i ever bring it up ever again with his wife. This was about 12 years ago, they are still married , they have been married since 1985. There is not doubt in my mind that even if i had told him they would still be married, But we as friends would not be as close.
Joined: 11/28/2006
Msg: 39
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 9:08:06 AM
tell her ...but remember this could backfire on you... just think of how when i couple get into a fight and someone tries to break in up then when it is over they are both mad at the one who broke it up... friends are friends but when it come to there love life things can change and she might resent you for telling her
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 40
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 9:14:31 AM

sheesh..... for the people that can't read..... or only read what they want to read....

It has nothing to do with one's reading ability. More to do with personal responsibility and accountability. The friend in this case made a choice - that is her right to do so. She has already been informed by the OP that her man has a practice of being on the dating sites. Now this friend, knowing that this man engages in this behavior, chooses to continue the relationship. She can also choose to believe what she wants to believe. I can virtually warrant that there are much deeper issues in that relationship than we are aware of yet she persists in engaging in willful blindness. If the OP really wants to help her friend, then recommend that her friend seek professional counseling on this matter.

It is not the OP's responsibility to check up on the friend's partner's activities so that she has a juicy tidbit to unravel yet again her friend's life. It's the friend's life - not hers.

I seriously question the intent as well as agenda here as, obviously, there are some very unhealthy dynamics in play. IMO.

Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 49
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Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 10:22:29 AM
I do what I think is right. How she deals with it is her issue. Her being my friend doesnt change my own sense of right and wrong. My moral compass points north no matter what she thinks. If she knows me well enough to be a best/close/dear friend, she knows how I will react in a given situation. If she wants to blame me for her own bad judgement, so be it. Friends do that for each other. If your own personal compass says hurting her is worse than letting him hurt her, there is your answer. We can all tell you what we think we would do in your situation but ultimately you have to decide what is right for you and right based on your relationship with this person. Make your call, follow through and "to thine own self be true".
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 50
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 10:23:03 AM
I would want to know cause of the lieing, that is a hell of start if someone is lieing, sounds like he is a player and those that say stay out of it i hope you get to play with this player.
Joined: 9/29/2006
Msg: 51
view profile
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 10:24:13 AM
One additional aspect to think about....when we get new mail, POF notifies us to our email address. His profile could have been on here and him not logging in, but might have received notification of new email. Could be as simple as someone he has kept in touch with via the email on this site...male or female and of course he logged in to read the email.

You dont know all the facts and could be misreading the situation. But you might mention that in a search, you ran across an OLD PROFILE OF HIS, that he might want to delete, now that he's in a "live in situation".

Bring it up when your in the company of both, make no accusation, just general talk about your experience on the dating site. Lets him know you stumbled across an OLD profile of his, sounds reasonable to your girlfriend and leaves it up to them to discuss and resolve.

Also, but highly unlikely, he may have given his pass word to some other guy who is using his profile here, just to look around.
Joined: 10/28/2006
Msg: 54
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 11:28:32 AM

If you put someone in your favorites, you can see the date last online. Also, user name search also shows "online today" I do believe.

Ahhhh...thank you.

This is true...but they can also see that you have added them to your favorites list.

You could always have her come over to your house, let her make herself a profile on here and send him a note. Depending on how he responded to the note would tell her where she stands. If he thought the profile was just someone who was a potential date and acted upon it...she could then confront him in person and say "hey, I'm so and so on POF and I'm the one that sent you the note".
Joined: 9/29/2006
Msg: 55
view profile
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 5:53:27 PM
chuckle......Now trs.....some will say that is game playing, stalking and down right dishonest........ ....

But again, the friend here would have to tell her first....that he's still on here. and that is the whole issue....and her question....
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 56
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 7/11/2007 6:00:21 PM
Nah, let it go, he has already been caught before and they ended up getting back together. Doesn't seem to me the girlfriend wants to leave.
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 60
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 8/5/2007 7:40:36 AM
Since it IS a close friend, let her know! BUT in letting her know, She might resent YOU proving what a fool she is...

Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 63
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 8/5/2007 9:33:41 AM
jtriple7 - I would mention it to her to clear your conscience and know that you have been a good a friend. However, dont do any more - she is a big girl, capable of making her own decisions and doing what she needs to do. If her house of cards come tumbling down, be there for her, but dont get involved other than to mention that he still has an active profile. Like many others on here, he could be involved in the forums and you would not want to stir up the pot unnecessarily.
Joined: 7/21/2007
Msg: 68
view profile
Caught him... now what?
Posted: 8/6/2007 7:48:03 PM
do the feminine thing and snitch on him.

do the honourable thing - and don't tell a soul.

I'm a man - real men would 'poo-poo' these things and ridicule them with a grin

and this is a typical man-post i've just noticed. 'sigh'
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Caught him... now what?