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Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 2
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Loss of a spousePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
It is extremely difficult to find someone we are attracted to that had similiar likes and dislikes. I know that through experience I have learned that dating someone with dependant children isn't for me. Maybe it would be best to look for someone like yourself with older teens still involved in their lives.

I have done the dates where the 20 year old son phones every 15 mins. to see when Dad is coming home, while Dad and I are trying to have our first coffee meet, and the Dad who brought his 15 yr. old daughter on a lunch date because after all it was her birthday

I find it best to date people who have a similiar lifestyle to myself.
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 8
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 7/24/2007 4:23:50 PM
Here is my personal experience and thoughts. I'm not "legally" a widow but I did date someone exclusively for three years when he passed away. I'm finding the difference between losing a spouse/significant other and divorcing is that the death of a partner leaves you with no bad memories! I cannot and will never be able to discuss this man with any bad words or "I didn't like this" or "I didn't like that". My memories are all good, he will come up in discussion with all good words and I sometimes feel the few men I've dated feel threatened by this. It's a strange situation and to be quite honest I'm to the point of refusing to discuss it because as soon as a date discovers this, they fade into the background. Not sure, like you possibly, how to handle this. I'm open to hearing from people who have never lost a partner in life but has dated someone who has and how they felt about it. For the record, I'm not trying to date to replace him but I sure do know what I'm looking for in a man because of him.
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 9
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 7/24/2007 4:30:08 PM
Forgot to comment on the children at home versus all out of the house. I have no issues whatsoever if there are still teenagers still at home. As long as they are no issues attached to them. But I will be honest and say that if you have little ones still at home, I'm not interested. Mine are all grown and I finally have my freedom to come and go as I please. I think anyone with little children look forward to those days and when they do come around it's really really nice. So if you communicate with a lady who doesn't want to go out with you because you have a 17 year old still at home - I don't understand it.
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 11
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 7/24/2007 8:32:12 PM
Yes OP I agree with you. It's a tough dating world. It seems the *mouse* is so easy to click on to the next profile. Always looking for the bigger better catch. Do *we* or *they* ever find it? Nope not usually. There always seems to be a fault.
I still have a 21 year old at home, and if my potential partner has a problem with it...well it would be just that...HIS problem.
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 12
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 7/25/2007 6:29:41 PM
This is an interesting question, especially as I am in this very situation. My wife died on July 2, 2003. It's been 4 years and 23 days since she drifted off to sleep at the City of Hope in Duarte. There are so many things that I remember vividly about that moment and about all the years we spent together. Everything I do and everyplace I go reminds me of her.

I'm not sure that "moving on" is the right way to think about what is happening to people in "our" circumstances. Moving on is like getting a divorce and finally getting over the other person. In death, our love remains and the separation isn't the same. The real question is how do you continue to love other people, perhaps a new spouse. It's a difficult thing in my mind to be able to learn to do that without feeling guilty. Like I'm cheating or something. On the other hand, I think all love comes from a higher power and you can never have too much real love for someone else. That being said, I think that it's important to love other people because if you don't "spread around" your love then it pretty much has no purpose.

I don't think I compare other women to my dear wife. It seems more important to see it as a new adventure and try to see the individual for whom she is uniquely speaking. In that respect it's kind of fun to learn about new people, and maybe someday I will find someone that I can love as a spouse again. Who knows. Until it happens .....
 Adam Taylor
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 15
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Loss of a spouse
Posted: 7/27/2007 2:58:12 PM
I think that every love is unique.
Sure, there might be similarities between those we care for... but you should never try to "compare" one love to another.

And while sometimes it might be hard to let go... it's something we all have to do at one point or another...

You can't let the ghosts of the past haunt your future.
Joined: 7/1/2007
Msg: 16
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 7/27/2007 3:59:07 PM
I have been a widow for 5 years. I am having the same trouble you are finding someone. I was married for 22 yrs to my best friend and I believe my soulmate too. I have dated many men don't know if its because of age or the responsibilities that makes it difficult to find someone that I would want to spend the rest of my years with. My biggest fear is finding the wrong one, and then loseing alot. I think this is the same across the board whether you were divorced or widowed.
Joined: 4/12/2006
Msg: 19
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:40:38 PM

So I'm not looking for an exact replacement, but I'm sure looking for a woman.

Of course you can't find an exact replacement. We are all unique. You shouldn't be looking for a replacement but a new experience.

Death is hard in many ways and anyone who thinks they can replace the loved one with another is in for heartache. I know this is a bad senerio, but when you lose a dog or pet to death, you can never replace them, but just get another one.. Love conquers all, and most of us are open to love when it comes our way.

Good luck, and God bless all the widows and widowers on this site!
Joined: 1/16/2012
Msg: 20
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 1/29/2012 6:36:10 AM
Best wishes to ALL that fall into this circumstance. I believe now that anyone that has come into my life is there for a reason & I do not want to let anyone go unless that person wants to leave. Less serious & dating types is what keeps me going. I may or may not ever find everything I am looking for in one person.
Joined: 1/16/2012
Msg: 21
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 1/29/2012 6:36:53 AM
Best wishes to ALL that fall into this circumstance. I believe now that anyone that has come into my life is there for a reason & I do not want to let anyone go unless that person wants to leave. Less serious & dating types is what keeps me going. I may or may not ever find everything I am looking for in one person.
Joined: 11/25/2011
Msg: 22
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 1/29/2012 7:14:46 AM
I too have experienced the loss of a spouse and the ending of a relationship not by choice. I have never liked it when people told/tell me to "move on." Even though they mean well I think the expression implies a casualness to the the relationship. A previous poster used the term "get used to it" but I also think that falls short. I prefer to think in terms of accepting the reality because that brings a certain amount of inner comfort. Another poster compared both losses in terms of similarities of grief. This is so true and acceptance of both situations can only happen over time and time is different for each of us.
Joined: 12/12/2010
Msg: 23
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 1/29/2012 8:03:21 AM
The people you love, really love, are rare. The people who really love you are even rarer. If you had that "soulmate" once in your life, you were very, very fortunate. Most people never find that. If you are to find it again, then you are doubly blessed.

Yeah, I know, you wanted to hear it would be easier than that. But, if it came so easy, everyone would find it all the time. Life just doesn't work that way.
Joined: 6/10/2012
Msg: 24
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Loss of a spouse
Posted: 7/8/2012 6:53:19 PM
I've probably got more flaws than I'll admit to...(And I'll admit to plenty!)...
Since becoming a widower, I've been hoping that it would be _Easier_ to find someone to get into an LTR with...
But that doesn't seem to be the case, so far..!!

Picky! P i c k y! P I C K Y ! !

Women!! :
Can't live without 'em.....
Can't Kill 'em...!!!
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 25
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 7/8/2012 11:03:44 PM
I've read most of the widow v. divorcee threads that have come up or back up since I joined POF and one thing I haven't seen mentioned. How many people that have divorced would trade places with their former spouse if they were in a better position than the other person? I can say with a 100% certainty that if I could trade places with my late wife where I had her cancer and died instead of her, I would do it without a second thought.
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 26
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 7/9/2012 12:12:17 AM
It's a new normal, definitely. When my wife was sick, I thought things might get easier after she passed. She battled colon cancer for 3-1/2 yrs and it really took its toll. It was tough on all of us, but it was even tougher after she was gone. Suddenly I was no longer a husband or a caregiver...I was a widowed father with 3 young kids. People wonder why I don't smile and laugh as much as I used to, but it gets better eventually...a new normal.
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 27
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 7/10/2012 1:19:41 PM
This is a tough one. People ask me what my political beliefs are and I say, "Eclectic enough to tick everyone off." My interests are just as eclectic. My wife and I shared common interests in a few things, but were wildly divergent on others. Still, our differences were complimentary. I hope to find something similar. Perhaps the common interests and areas of divergence will be different, but if we get along and the differences are complimentary then that is fine.
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 28
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 8/7/2012 9:25:08 PM
I've been widowed for 9 + years. What I think I've noticed is that a lot of women are so jealous of other women that many are afraid of widowers. Especially if he was happily married to a woman he loved deeply. Soul mates if you will. So many women a worried about that it seems like they want nothing to do with a widower. Competing with the dead, so to speak.

Fortunately, a more mature woman is usually secure enough with herself to recognize that if a man can find the love of his life once, that he will see it again if he is fortunate enough to ever see it again. And that would truly be a great blessing to both.

Well, that's what I think anyway.
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 29
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 8/8/2012 9:26:12 AM
I have been widowed for 10 years and haven't found anyone in my city or surrounding area to even start to establish a relationship with. While I have met some nice people they just have not been the one for me. I do not live in the past and never will. I am not looking for a replica of my former spouse and hopefully someone isn't looking for me to be one for theirs. I am just looking for someone to share experiences with and someone who who can manage to love again.
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 30
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 8/8/2012 9:59:32 AM
Perfectly stated, Milliejayne...
Joined: 8/4/2012
Msg: 31
Loss of a spouse
Posted: 8/8/2012 10:09:50 PM
I agree milliejayne, this is the perfect response.
I make it clear that we were very happily married and he was a good man. I don't go on and on, but let people know that my love for him did not die with him, like it can and does in a divorce. That is one of the debates about
dating widow/er verses divorced people. Sometimes I feel that only others who have been there, that "get it", are the ones that can respect the love that I had and lost, and I can do the same for them, and no one feels threatened by the others late spouse.
I was lucky, I knew what I had was good and never took it for granted.My husband will never be replaced, but I do hope that one day, I can find a new, different love to share life with.
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