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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Question about Autism and relationships.      Home login  
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 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 17
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Question about Autism and relationships.Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Having got Aspergers, I would definitely date someone with a mild form of Autism. For me not to, would be hypocritical.

I would not tell someone right away, until I've got to know them a little bit. At least well enough that they don't assume stereotypes about me.

But I would stress the positives about Autism and Aspergers. We're incredibly physically sensitive and very, very focussed. Very useful talents for the bedroom.

Also, we remember stuff, like birthdays, facial expressions when someone is sad, etc. So we don't understand strangers as well as normals, but when we get to know someone, we know them far better than normal people do, and people love us for it.

I just see it as me being a little bit different, like a woman who is exceptionally beautiful. Us Aspergers have a wholly different appreciation of the world, like living the world in Technicolor. Other people just don't see the colours as vividly.

Actually, I've seen a good few studies that indicate it's about 1 in 200 in the UK, USA, and Israel. There are a few reasons for it:

1) Increase in chemicals in our food and materials. Gluten (found in treated wheat products) and Casein (found in treated milk products) affect autism greatly, according to a few websites I found. As casein is found in pasteurised milk, and gluten is found in all bread products, and other things like carpets, I think that these and other chemicals have produced changes in brain chemistry in more susceptible people.

2) The death of The Art of Conversation. It used to be an accepted fact that socials skills were learned and not automatically known. So when my parents went to school in the 30s and 40s, they were taught social behaviour in school, such as discipline through handwriting, and monitored playtime, and teachers took an interest in academically gifted children who found it hard to mix with other kids. However, by the time I went to school in the 70s, academically gifted children were ignored, bullying was tolerated by the school, and skills that encouraged better social behaviour were cut from the curriculum, in favour of subjects that helped people pass exams.

Now, stupid kids who are good at social skills are getting 10 As, and smart kids are not given the opportunity to take harder exams which would show their brilliance. So now, intelligence, our greatest weapon against crime and poverty, and the very thing that gave rise to the modern computer, is actively discouraged against society. Intelligence is also the only ability we have that helps 2 people who are suited to be matched to each other. So with a lack of intelligent advice, more and more people are getting together who are completely unsuited, and it's no wonder that divorce is 50% as a result, and AIDS is rife. Who is not liekly to get an STD if people are encouraged to NOT use their minds?

Well, that's my opinion. It is not well liked, but the truth hurts. We have more technology and less brains. Eventually, the technology will require replacing, and then the brains will be needed and they won't be found. Wonder how easy everyone will find life then?
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 19
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Question about Autism and relationships.
Posted: 8/13/2007 5:01:40 PM
I don't think you need to say much about it initially, but mention it in passing after you know you are getting on well. One line in the profile (lower down) would be plenty. My son has Aspergers and I can foresee the main difficulties, as far as relationships go, will be that he doesn't emphathise well and doesn't see the point of forging friendships. He never ever remembers to get contact details for his friends, though he appears to have loads of them. If you make sure you learn as much as possible about body language, sensitive discussion and listening to the other person's problems, etc., you should be absolutely fine. Also, like anyone else, it's important to be physically affectionate and not just when making love. This is one reason a friend divorced her Aspergers husband - he just didn't see it as necessary to show her affection and though her a bid odd for needing it. If you have sensory problems, e.g. with food or clothing, you'd be wise to explain a bit. Believe me, telling your partner that the food she has offered you is disgusting will not go down well. This is one area in which you might need to make a real effort to overcome any distaste and compromise. Having said the above, people with Aspergers often have extraordinary talents. You should let your date know the good things too, but not go on too much about it. Actually, from your profile, you sound very sensitive and intelligent and it would certainly never have crossed my mind that you had any form of autism. I'm sure you'll do really well and the lady who ends up with you will be lucky indeed!
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 24
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Question about Autism and relationships.
Posted: 9/11/2009 6:38:22 AM
Autism should be a factore though should be declared ~ extreme severity can risk another person's safety
My autism mate is happily married so there are people who are educated enough to consider & be open about it, and so must be the sufferer

~sc~
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 25
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Question about Autism and relationships.
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:44:41 PM

Would knowing the person you're dating or about to date had Autism affect how the relationship goes for you?
Yes. Knowing a little about it, I'd be a lot more easy-going with the person. Autistic people don't "get" a lot of things right away, so you have to repeat stuff, and not get angry about it.

When should someone with Autism, like myself(very mild), come out and tell that person? Should I tell them right away so there's nothing to hide or should I wait a while first and then tell them?
Autistics tend to be great people who everyone loves. But a lot of people don't know much about it, and imagine all sorts of things about it. So it might shock them, and make them drop you, before they've had the chance to get to know you. You're probably better off getting to know her a little bit, and letting her get to know you, so when you do tell her, she remembers that you're this really cool dude, and she doesn't freak out.
 -Michiel-
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 36
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Question about Autism and relationships.
Posted: 10/29/2010 3:25:12 PM
A few weeks ago I had a sort of first date with someone I knew from an online game. We spent half a day at a fair. She only told me at the end of the day that she has a mild form of autism.

What really helped is that I knew her for some time online. We were chatting on webcam and I already told her I liked her. I think that is the key point where she decided to tell me: I liked her and we spent a day together, after we got to know each other more (which was on webcam). Tomorrow is our second date, and I feel I might have been very lucky to have met her.

In my opinion, when you feel comfortable with a person, that you can be yourself, that the point is that she loves being with you, then is the right time to tell her. If you don't feel comfortable after some time, try to find out why by talking with her. If you can spend time with someone and you enjoy spending that time, then there's nothing to lose for you. Just know that you're worth it.

good luck!
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 37
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Question about Autism and relationships.
Posted: 10/29/2010 4:28:34 PM
I'm beginning to suspect that my former boyfriend may have very mild Asperger's. Two of my women friends, both of whom married men they later discovered had mild Asperger's, suggested this, as did a guy friend who has it. If it's true, it would explain some of the things about him that were a little difficult and I might have handled them a little differently had I known. In the end, that wasn't what brought about the end of the relationship.

Coincidentally, I saw on FB last night that he was taking the Asperger's Quotient test. It's been going around. I was surprised to see he was taking it and curious to see what his score might be, but he didn't post it to his wall.

It's helpful to know these things because it does give you a different frame of reference.

When I first meet someone, there's all sorts of things I don't tell them. What's the point? Initially, I'm just trying to figure out if I even want to know them and I want them to get to know the person I am without all sorts of information that might prejudice them. If it gets beyond a third date and looks like I'm going to want to know them better, then I'll start telling them the things that might make a difference to them.

If it isn't obvious when they meet you, I'd wait a few dates. Let them get to know you just as you are. If it looks like it may continue, then let them know.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 39
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Question about Autism and relationships.
Posted: 11/5/2010 5:15:09 PM

Never, unless you plan to use that as an excuse for something. What difference does it make? You'll either get along with someone or you won't.


Abelian, I'll disrespectfully disagree with you on this. I think knowing something like this could help avoid some misunderstanding. I'll give an example: I had a client who came to see me every week who would do some peculiar things every single week. This went on for months. I was always left wondering why it was that she did these odd things. One day she mentioned that she was having a lot of trouble with her OCD - obsessive-compulsive disorder. When I realized she was OCD, her behavior made a lot more sense and was much easier for me to cope with. By the same token, if I knew someone had Asperger's, it might help me understand some things that might otherwise confuse me or lead me to some wrong assumptions. In my case, I'd prefer to know. But I wouldn't bring it up until some obvious mutual interest was established.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 42
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Question about Autism and relationships.
Posted: 11/24/2010 7:42:24 PM
I'm going to disagree and do so in the context of your examples.


I do agree you have some reasonable points, even very useful points, and I'll keep them in mind.

In the case of the client with OCD, I think eventually I would have just figured, well, she seems to have a need to do these peculiar things, some of them confusing, some annoying, but all tolerable in the context. Eventually I just would have figured she did these odd things and it was no big deal, it was part of the package. However, when she mentioned the OCD, it was a kind of shortcut to understanding that. It saved time. After that, when she would do these peculiar things, instead of wasting mental energy on trying to figure out why she was doing it, I was able to accept it a lot more quickly and easily because understood why she did it. I think it also helped to avoid some upset with her. Part of her OCD was an overreaction to any slight physical abnormality. For instance, one day she noticed one collarbone was curved slightly different than the other and then began to worry she had breast cancer. She would ask me about this multiple times. Before I knew, I kept wondering why she'd ask me the same question over and over. Did she think I was deceiving her? Withholding information from her? That if she kept asking, I might change my mind and tell her something different? Once I knew about her condition, I realized it had nothing to do with whether she trusted me, it had to do with her inability to stop obsessing. It also made me careful how I communicated to her if I noticed anything. Because, as a massage therapist, I see parts of people's bodies that they can't see, if I notice something I'll ask if they are aware of it. Most often it is insignificant but I just want to make sure they know. In her case, because she worried so terribly, I would refrain from bringing up anything that seemed insignificant and was more careful about how I phrased things. What would be taken casually by the majority of people would cause her great alarm. Had it taken me longer to figure this out with her, I think there's a good chance I would have innocently caused her some unnecessary upset.

Although I think it's a good thing that there seems to be a growing awareness about Asperger's, I sometimes wonder if there's a danger that it will become too casually "diagnosed."

Whether it be named or not, having an awareness that people are wired differently is a good thing. Being made more aware of the existence of Asperger's has helped me to understand that in yet another way.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 44
Question about Autism and relationships.
Posted: 11/30/2010 10:08:21 PM
i would like to know how is your life with autism?
my son is autistic.
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