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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > When does physical attraction stop being so important?      Home login  
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 OneBeachlvr
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 1
When does physical attraction stop being so important?Page 1 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)
This is a serious question and I'm trying to ask it without offending anyone. I also fully realize that I am aging (as we all are) and do not possess the physical attractiveness that I once had. But please don't come on here and bash me and tell me I look old or worn out or I should just accept what I can get or whatever. That serves no purpose.

So, my dilemma is that the men that I still find most attractive are usually in the 35-45 age range, same age range in which I fall, but considering the fact that many men still insist that the woman must be younger, some of them would never consider me. In a way, that doesn't even matter because age is just a number and I am finding that I am learning to value much more important things like a man's values, or how he treats other people and how he treats me. As I get closer and closer to the 45 mark, I am dating more and more men in the 45-50 age range and though I am finding many to be extremely pleasant and wonderful men, I have yet to be wowed physically. Maybe I'm just not ready to give up that passion that comes from a strong physical attraction to your partner but at the same time, I know that we all gradually lose our physical attractiveness. How and when do you start giving up the need for that and learning to find that passion in other areas? Or do you?

I think this is mainly a dilemma for people who become single again at midlife. I think when you've been with a partner since their younger years, you see them with different eyes. I'm trying to develop those eyes, but I don't know if I know how to. I'm not trying to be critical or mean. My heart is good but my nature is only human and thereby, at least somewhat, controlled by hormones and chemicals beyond my control. Please treat this seriously and respectfully. I especially don't want to offend any older men, but I think that a lot of them would have to admit that they have the same dilemma but maybe aren't brave enough to verbalize it.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 2
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When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 10:47:01 AM
Op I agree with what you are saying. I think that most single people in midlife have these thoughts. Some can get passed it, but I would guess that most people can't. I have no answers, except to say that I haven't bothered dating for a while now, because I just don't see anyone my age anymore that I find attractive.
 MissAG
Joined: 6/20/2007
Msg: 3
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 11:05:52 AM
On your photo you look gorgeous and you probably attract a lot of men in your age range. You should not give up on the search for an attractive man, older or younger then you, and never give up on passion. Of course you can find passion in a lot of areas but if you do not find your partner attractive you can't even develope that passion in other areas......my opinion.
 asheel_heel
Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 4
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 11:42:40 AM
It may happen when you get more accustomed to those little signs of aging in the faces of your contemporaries and/or your mirror. You know, the laugh lines and crows feet, the bags under the eyes, the loss of youthful skin/muscle tone, thinning/graying hair, the not quite fluid gait caused by a slightly arthritic hip
Right now, the men exhibiting these traits look "old" to you, even if they're otherwise attractive. Later on, perhaps you'll see them as normal and attractive.

Strangely, most people think they look younger than their age. I look every day of 50. My age finally caught up to my face.
Many men do search for a younger (or more youthful looking) partner. I automatically classify a woman more than 5 years my junior as suitable for conversation only.
 gtadaizee
Joined: 10/22/2006
Msg: 5
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 11:51:51 AM
I hear you and I would never fou fou you. Actually your post is quite thought provoking and I hope a lot of "more mature" men and women will join this thread.

I just had my 62nd but I don't feel it (well my body does but my soul doesn't) and life continues as usual. Don't look at it that way. Think of it as learning you all over again with more experienced eyes about yourself! Define your needs and wants AND know the difference between them.

Age matching is almost irrelevant after a certain time. I used to find that a lot of men seemed to be petulant and peevish when their marriages broke up and they were in their mid 50's, they just coudn't get past it (life shift). Then with more age under my belt, I realized that these same men were P & P when they were MUCH younger. So I don't think this is an age issue for either gender.

I'll never give up on attraction, passion, butterflies, etc..... and I'm finding that quite a few men in their late 50's make for more interesting reactions to my wants and needs. Unfortunately some men are really hung up on if the women is even a few months older. I don't think that anyone within a generation age difference is unreasonable. At my age you still can talk about life's experiences and you will have much in common. The Goldies n Oldies are the same for someone 1o years younger when your 60 or 70 or 80, etc....

KNOW your wants and needs and the difference therein, know your deal breakers, AND don't settle unless you want to take whatever comes along. When you stumble and/or fall down, pick yourself up (hopefully you didn't break a hip!), dust yourself off and start all over again, and again, and again.

Deseronto said it best "Youth is not a time in life, it's an attitude".

They say there is a marked increase in sexual activity in retirement homes these days, see those aged people still had the passion within and now medicine has given them a way to activate it all again.
 *tinydancer*
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 6
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 12:18:40 PM
Physical attraction NEVER stops being important as far as I'm concerned. I'm 52 and the 35-45 range are the guys who are most attractive to me also. Not that I'd date anyone under 45, but they're still the most attractive. But in explanation for your dilemma, just know that most men are absolutely delusional about the kind of woman they actually think they can have. Men my age, even though they're paunchy and balding, really think they can date a hot, 30-something woman. And they pass up perfectly attractive, intelligent women their own age. Hence, they stay single because they're chasing an elusive dream. It's crazy to me, but I've seen it happen too many times.
 Avalon96
Joined: 9/1/2006
Msg: 7
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When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 12:49:18 PM
I really don't understand why so much emphasis is put in age, yes I know it can make somebody the envy of all their friends if they are dating somebody much younger than themselves, but maybe it comes with a price.
The more you want something the harder you will try to get it, and if the reason for doing so is to impress others, it's probably the wrong reason.
I don't understand why people lie about their age, but don't see why why it has the only bit of information on which to base starting a relationship.
Age is just a mark of the time from when first see the light, and if you meet somebody you like why it should it matter. I know of marriages with big age gaps that survived very well and some that crashed and burned.
There are lots people here on POF that are older than me and look very good for any age.
I can understand not wanting to go out with a person who is not attractive to you, regardless of age, but can't see turning down somebody that is because of a number.
Physical attraction is important and will probably always be a factor in the choices we make, but what makes the world go around is that we are all not attracted to the same thing.
 Schadenfreudian
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 8
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 12:57:12 PM
When looking no longer gives me "the willies" down "there."
 aNgeLiCbLoNdiE
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 9
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 1:03:39 PM

just know that most men are absolutely delusional about the kind of woman they actually think they can have. Men my age, even though they're paunchy and balding, really think they can date a hot, 30-something woman. And they pass up perfectly attractive, intelligent women their own age. Hence, they stay single because they're chasing an elusive dream. It's crazy to me, but I've seen it happen too many times.


I agree & what about the broke, unemployed man who can't even buy a woman a cup of coffee who wants an uber-model like Heidi Klum. I think there is a "pecking order" to mating, & the sooner a person realizes where they fit in, the sooner, they'll hook up.

PS- my friends used to call it "THE ELUSIVE BUTTERFLY"
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 10
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When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 1:04:33 PM
I don't think many of us at this age care what age the other person is within reason.

If you are like me, you are battling the fact that even though you know that you yourself is loosing your looks, you can't be attracted to others who are loosing their looks.

Mental attractiveness and engery levels is even more difficult for me. My energy levels haven't dropped much since I was a child. It is so hard to find men my own act who have my energy. I find that mental man people my age want to live in the past. Play nothing but decades old music, and have little in common with music of 2007.

What's a gal to do? I am only glad that finding a partner isn't a priority for me, or I would not be a happy camper.
 beachesofnc
Joined: 4/19/2006
Msg: 11
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When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 1:22:03 PM
I'm not the cutie I was once either, but thank God I grew up and now am able to appreciate qualities other than just the physical. One of the nicest guys I know is not physically attractive, but he has such an awesome personality and the most contagious laugh....I can't help but be a little attracted. That being said, he's quite a bit younger and I normally prefer older men. There's got to be some type of attraction if there's going to be a physical relationship..... but they don't have to be some type of Greek God...lol.
 Woodstar
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 12
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 1:44:29 PM
When I was young, I was always attracted to men in their forties. With the help (?) of this virtual pond we're swimming around in, I discovered I still was! Almost every man I saw that I found "attractive" were in their mid to late 40's! What a reality check!!!

I went and stood in front of the mirror for a long hard look at myself. OMG! I had become my mother!!!!!!!!!!!

I suppose the reality of it is that both sexes look their best at that time because they are at their prime. By that I mean, they have acheived their own level of self awareness and are (on the whole) comfortable with who they have become.

Now, thanks again to POF...I have developed a taste for the older models. Some here are a delight. I just needed that reality check.
 merry0709
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 13
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 1:51:00 PM
After my divorce , which was 15 years ago, I started going out socially, learned how to "babe up" and would literally go home and empty a purseful of business cards into
the trash. Now at 47, that doesn`t happen any more and I am fine with that. I think you have to be realistic about where you are at age wise and lookswise-- but never generalize. You never know. I have dated younger, older, very attractive to what most would consider not attractive. I have always tried to not be looking at the outside but look at the nature of the man. Now for the disclaimer: Recently, because of most
older men`s choice of dating much younger women, I have gone that route. That means I have been dating 60 to 65 year olds. There have been issues to me about their
attractiveness, virility, and general compatibility, especially if they don`t take care of themselves( big guts, poor eating habits, unattractive hair and clothes) I really am not a superficial person, but as we age, it does get harder and it takes a little more "work" to stay attractive. I try to do well with what I have and would expect the same from a man I was seeing. It is a matter of self respect. So I have decided to not accept any
dates from anyone I perceive as an "old man". As far as I am concerned, it is their choice to be one, and I am not attracted to that quality.
 Chocolatebrowne
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 14
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 1:56:21 PM
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: men don't seem to age as well as women, and I'm finding that on these dating sites, men in my age range (50's), are VERY picky about the appearance of the potential woman they would like to meet, and horribly lackadaisical about their own.......

After awhile, it's enough to make a gal lose interest.........when not only is the mental, and spiritual attraction not there, but there's nothing physically attractive either!
 Smilin_bob
Joined: 8/7/2007
Msg: 15
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 2:03:58 PM
I have read through this post, and it is very thought provoking. I believe, as you allude to, it comes down to a balancing act.

After thinking about this, the answer seems to be that physical attraction will stop being most important when you decide. There may be circumstances in each person's life that will affect that decision-making process.

The decision will be affected by what people are looking for. If you are looking at dating, physical attaction will be high on the list. If the person is looking for a solid, healthy LTR, then physical attraction may still be important, but not the highest priority.

I think that the natural response is to find an attractive mate / date. That is built into our genes. Some people realize that physical appearence might not be the only thing on their list.

As I age, my hair is getting thinner (thanks Grandpa!). I realize people look at that characteristic, and either accept it, or not. My body is still in good shape, and my physical activity has not diminished. People have to make a decision when looking at other people. Their decision is based on personal preferences, and what they are looking for.

Now.. let's put a twist on this aspect of your question:
What if you are blind? Would physical attraction be as important?
I think that might change a lot of people's priorities about what is important.

Just my two cents!
~smiles~
Bob.
 Janice T.
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 16
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 2:04:54 PM
I suppose I was never into physical attraction. I am more into intelligence/face etc. What can I say, I am not the norm....
 Practically Housebroken
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 17
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 2:11:06 PM
No offence taken OP.

The only ones who could possibly disagree with you are the ones that simply don’t have as many options. That’s one of the best things about getting older; fewer people to tell us they know better just because they’ve been around longer.

Date whomever you want and feel good about it.

Not all of us are paunchy, balding, delusional, broke, unemployed, uber-model seeking has-beens with a chip on our shoulder, but I certainly wouldn’t want someone to date me simply because they found me pleasant and wonderful either. Yikes.

Physical attraction will always be important, it goes both ways and that is just fine by me. Well, that is, if I can ever find my glasses.

Have fun.
 Girlflower
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 18
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 2:15:00 PM
Couldn't agree more with merry and chocolatebrowne... Physical attraction never stops being important to me...... not physical beauty but a vitality that emininates from within! That is a very sexy commodity...... some older men think they have it going on with the younger women because we older ladies can see the rust on their souls... and pass... until they get a thorough clean up and the younger women go back to seeking a more age appropriate mate... Thanks younger ladies..... hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.. just leave the price of dinner when you're done with him...if this wasn't so.. well none of us older ladies would be here on POF... getting dates and meeting some very fine men with possibilities.

Girlflower
 Charred
Joined: 5/7/2007
Msg: 19
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 2:28:25 PM
Physical attraction is always import, so the answer is, never...
I would have used one word to answer this but the system wouldn't let me...
 barra56
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 20
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 2:34:35 PM
tinydancer .. perhaps the men are passing up women in their own age group because as you stated , you are looking at men much younger than you .Perhaps the women should be looking in their own age group also ,, instead of bagging the men for doing exactly what you yourself are doing !!!!!!!
 *tinydancer*
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 21
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 2:59:12 PM
Oh no, barra56. You got that WAY wrong. I said I was attracted to younger men. I'm NOT delusional enough to actually try to date them. I'm one of those odd chicks who actually likes guys my own age. They just think they can do a hell of a lot better. To which I say: Dream on, dude ... dream on.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 22
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When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 3:44:43 PM
OP - physical attraction, be it to a potential mate, an animal, an object (a purse, clothing, shoes, collectibles), etc. never stops being important. However, with any living being, is the intial physical beauty that may "wow" us, but once we get familiar with who they are or what they are, then we go beyond physical attraction. Looks may open doors, but looks do not guarantee that a relationship will sustain.

I fully understand what you're saying OP - when it comes to how we look in our middle or older years. It's catch-22, and like you, I don't always verbalize it. I do feel the double standard, that women are held to the highest standards in the looks department while men can keep on trucking with the beer bellies, polyester pants, and comb backs. I've grown the attitude of WYSIWYG, men either are attracted to me or they aren't. Life goes on.
 SimplySweet45
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 23
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 4:27:52 PM
Physical attraction will always be important. Good news is, there is something physically attractive in everyone. You may not see it in one single pose of a picture which is what most of us do on dating sites.
 thecommonloon
Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 24
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 4:58:03 PM
I think physical attraction remains important, but what we find as attractive may change. When I was 25 a man who was 50 did not appear attractive to me. Now...most men in their 50s still look young and good-looking and 25 year olds look like babies and I can't find them attractive anymore!
I also find that I'm more willing to overlook physical faults because I have learned over the years that beauty on the outside does not make a good relationship. Interestingly enough, a few months ago I met up with a man who I knew was on the large size... and I'm not tiny tina either so it didn't bother me... but then he got in my car and just filled up the front seat from side to side, and his tummy almost to the dash. Yes, its a small car, but I had never seen anyone overlap anything before ...and suddenly I was just chuckling inside realizing how little I notice appearance anymore. I really had NO idea how big the guy was until that moment because I was only noticing his personality! That's a good thing!
 OneBeachlvr
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 25
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 8/24/2007 5:03:36 PM
Thanks for the great answers. I wasn't only talking about POF but yeah, it is harder here than if you were actually meeting in person in some other social setting where you have a chance of making some kind of impression beyond the limits of an online profile. On here, I do not judge only by pictures although the pics are sometimes the reason I'll click on a particular profile. But if there's nothing else there, I'll pass.
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