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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > When is the right time to say yes?      Home login  
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 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 1
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When is the right time to say yes?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I do not believe in casual sex but I am also realistic about “dating” in your 40s. A couple of weeks ago, I agreed to meet a guy at Starbucks. We had exchanged several emails and he wanted to meet before leaving on vacation with his son. He seemed nice enough. I didn’t read anything into it, but we had a decent time and he asked if we could meet for a real date when he returned. The week he returned, he emailed to see if I was still interested. I was so we made a dinner date for Friday after work. We had a nice intimate dinner in Greenwich Village and then he asked if he could go home with me. I was unprepared for the question and even less so to comply so I said no. He said we should spend some time together and we ended up going to a well know place in Manhattan and making out like teenagers. Admittedly, I was attracted and it felt good to have so much attention after a long drought, but I wondered what would happen if we saw each other again. It was pretty obvious that he would want more than a make out session and I don’t want to do that right now. I prefer to have a relationship with someone and I don’t even know if he’s the person I want to have a relationship with. I would like to have the freedom to just “date,” go out, have some fun, but I don’t want to feel that if I see a man more than once, I am obligated to sleep with him.

This has taken on greater urgency since we are supposed to go out this Friday. When I asked what he wants to do, he said we should go for some****ails, and then go to his place or mine. Based on what happened on our previous date that can only mean one thing. I am wondering should I confront this issue in advance, or wait until it comes up on Friday and have a very uncomfortable discussion. This isn’t high school and I don’t believe in the mindset that I have to do it to keep him, but at this age, how long is too long?
 4x4+geek
Joined: 4/7/2007
Msg: 2
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When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/28/2007 8:40:28 PM
It sounds like you're just getting back into dating and not comfortable with moving that quickly. I see this as normal and healthy.
IMHO, you have every right to slow things down as much as you want. If he quits, you'll know what he really wanted. It would then seem apparent that he had determined you to be "Easy-pickings."
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 3
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When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/28/2007 9:10:09 PM
First of all I don't whine. Secondly, I don't think there is anything wrong with making out like teenagers if both parties consent. I am 45 not 16. Since I've been dating since 19, I have made out alot over the years, but that doesn't mean I am obligated to go beyond that. I also was in a place where I knew this couldn't go beyond a certain point and I certainly did not take him home or go to his place because I knew my limits. I never take any guy home on a first, second or even third date. This is NY and I learned survival techniques long ago.
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 4
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When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/28/2007 9:10:50 PM
Thank you Boomer!
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 5
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When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/28/2007 9:15:54 PM
"I think you want to have sex with him. "

I am attracted to him but that is probably because I had SO many dates that were incredibly unattractive. But I know my own mind and I know that I am NOT having sex this Friday. Should I divulge that fact now or wait and see what happens? No matter his reaction, there is no chance of sex happening.
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 6
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When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/28/2007 9:40:05 PM
"Either have sex with the guy or stop seeing him."

It has less to do with this one specific guy than dating in general. This can certainly come up again with someone else. I don't know when the timing is right and when it just goes on too long and seems like some manipulative game.

BTW, yes I think sex in on the agenda, but he didn't have to see me again since I didn't have sex with him the first time.
 Banter-er
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 7
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When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/29/2007 9:46:42 AM

But I know my own mind and I know that I am NOT having sex this Friday. Should I divulge that fact now or wait and see what happens? No matter his reaction, there is no chance of sex happening.


I can't think of an reason why you WOUDN'T tell him, if you are certain.

There are a million threads on here with people pleading for others to be honest and not play games. By not telling him how you feel, you are not being honest. Give him a chance to respond! If he is respectful of your feelings - that's great. A wonderful thing to learn, and a great foundation to build a relationship on.

If he is not respectful of your feelings- well, that's also great! Because now you know what kind of person you are dealing with, before you waste a lot more time with him.

I'd rather have a slightly awkward conversation now, than possibly a REALLY uncomfortable discussion/situation later.

Honesty is always best. Feelings are are not "right" or "wrong". They just ARE. You have to honour them. Whether or not he respects/honours them is his choice. But you don't give him a chance to show you what kind of man he is, if you don't let him know what you are thinking/feeling.

Good luck - I hope he turns out to be the man you think he is!
 gonzofanmel
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 8
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When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/29/2007 10:05:57 AM
Dearie,

Don't EVER feel you are obligated to take things any further than you are comfortable (no matter what your age)! If you feel he is pressuring you, then sit him down and explain how you feel, that you are not ready to go that far, and he needs to back off with the invitations to his place or try to get to yours. If he responds negatively (Calling you names, accusing you of leading him on, telling you that this next step is "normal") then he clearly doesn't respect your feelings and should be dropped like the bad habit he is.
There have been guys I've been gone out with for months at a time who and respect my boundaries, and don't ever make me feel bad for not sleeping with them. To this day, some of them still love to go out and catch a movie or go dancing and don't expect anything at the end of the night more than a hug and a "Thank you." And they're cool with that.
On the other hand, I've been out with guys who try to get me up to their apartments after the second date (after I've established that I'm not comfortable with that, and there's no way in hell they are getting any); I usually say goodbye to those ones pretty quickly.
It's hard to get back into dating, but it's best to establish the boundaries early and stick to your guns. "Spending time together" should not mean bonking in the bedroom, if you are not ready for that. You should be allowed to wait as long as you feel is necessary.

(Sigh...I miss the days when men were gentlemen and didn't try to drag you into the bedroom after the second date......)
 breadpudding
Joined: 4/18/2007
Msg: 9
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When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/29/2007 7:24:05 PM
Seems like the fellow has an expectation of sex following Friday's date. Or perhaps, sex is a consequent of that date. If you're not sure of his expectations or intentions , it's your responsibilty to get clarification BEFORE the two of you show up for the date. It's also your responsibility to share yours with him as eloquently as you've expressed it here. Fairly, then you both will know your next step, if one, toward a relationship. Based on the " making out like teenager" on the 1st real date, could easily send him a strong message that you're ready to be more intimate. Don't be a tease, it's kind of silly at age 45. If you enjoy being with the man why wouldn't you have sex? Either way is no promise of a relationship.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 10
When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/30/2007 12:54:03 PM

I know that I am NOT having sex this Friday. Should I divulge that fact now or wait and see what happens?


It's tempting to tell him "no sex tonight" since that's where your head is. But I wonder... are you opposed to the making out part being repeated? If not, maybe put it like this:

"I'm not prepared to have sex with you tonight, but a repeat of the last date wouldn't be out of the question."

I think it's likely that he expects sex, however. Just making out doesn't have to mean it leads to sex, but that is the mind-set of a lot of people.
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 11
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When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/31/2007 4:23:25 PM
You don't know me so don't assume what I should act like! You weren't there and you probably have no clue what it's like to date type A new york men. Dating like everything else is a competitive sport and it's rougher as you get older so I know my age and act it unlike women out there and some on this site who are middle aged and present themself like a teenager.
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 12
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When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/31/2007 4:28:22 PM
And based on your pleasant personality I bet you're a fun date. For your know it all information I am 45 and have NEVER slept with a guy on a first date and can still count the ones I have slept with on ONE hand. So you get real and go back to reading your bible.
 orchidtigress
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 13
When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 9/1/2007 12:29:17 AM
If you have to ask this question, then your answer should be apparently "no".
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