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Joined: 7/16/2007
Msg: 1
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Opinion...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
A good friend of mine is a single mom - her kids spend about 35-40% of their time with their dad. When the kids are gone, she goes out, spends time with adult friends, etc. She ALWAYS has her cell with her in case of emergency with the kids and is never more then 15-20 minutes from home.

However, she has recently been told by another friend that she is not being a good mother beause "good mothers" are ALWAYS there for their kids 24/7 - that by going out when her kids are with their father she is being deficient in parenting.
To clarify, this "friend" of hers said that even when the kids are with their dad, she should be sitting at home near the phone, waiting for it to ring, in case they need her.

Now, as a single mom and someone who has worked in child psych for 11 years, I thoroughly and utterly believe that is the anti-thesis of healthy parenting. I believe that in order for kids to have a healthy view of adult life, they need parents who have well-rounded lives - including adult friendships and nights out!

Yes, my children are my primary responsibility and I put them first in my general decision making process. HOWEVER, I also need to do things for *me* in order to be the best parent I can be. I spent the first three and a half years of my younger son's life doing nothing but going to work and caring for my children (because I needed time to heal from the failed marriage). I know I am a better parent now that I have my own life outside of the kids - I'm less frustrated, happier and so on. I also think kids need to witness parents having lives outside of just them in order to learn how to have their own lives as adults as well (learn how to balance being a parent and an adult, etc).

Love to hear other parents' opinions...
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 2
Posted: 9/20/2007 11:55:40 AM
My opinion is that your friend's other friend is no friend at all AND a moron.
Joined: 7/1/2007
Msg: 3
Posted: 9/20/2007 12:00:27 PM
That is one of the stupidest things I ever heard

(not on OP's part, but the so-called friend's part)
Joined: 5/15/2007
Msg: 4
Posted: 9/20/2007 12:10:27 PM
Your friends friend is not well. (to put it nicely)
*muttering-since WHEN do I ever put things nicely*
Joined: 1/30/2006
Msg: 5
Posted: 9/20/2007 12:25:15 PM
This is the craziest thing I have ever heard! She has a cell phone on then she can ALWAYS be reached! This making her a very good parent. I am a single mom of 2 boys n I wish I had the time to go out while dad had the kids. Dad isn't in the picture. There is no reason why your friend can't enjoy some time out n to herself. She can still be reached if anything happens. Why put your life on hold for a big what if? You never know when something is gonna happen if it ever does.
Joined: 6/21/2005
Msg: 6
Posted: 9/20/2007 12:35:27 PM
I agree with all of the above, but I couldn't imagine what this friend would think of the way I parent. I mean I actually leave my 15 year old at home when I go grocery shopping or for a run. I must be the worst parent in the world.

This so called friend of a friend needs to give her head a shake.
Joined: 4/17/2006
Msg: 7
Posted: 9/20/2007 1:38:52 PM
I think I may know that friend's friend... I was told a little while ago that I was a bad mother for working!

Some people's children...........
 Columbia Punkin
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 8
Posted: 9/20/2007 2:14:45 PM
"she has recently been told by another friend that she is not being a good mother beause "good mothers" are ALWAYS there for their kids 24/7 - that by going out when her kids are with their father she is being deficient in parenting."

Seems to me that this "friend" is devoid of reality.

Assure your friend that she is a good mom, that it's ok to go out when her children are with their father. Being a parent requires down time to relax and helps to be a better parent.
Joined: 9/13/2007
Msg: 9
Posted: 9/20/2007 2:18:59 PM
Ouch some people just don't know their place........I sure wouldn't consider someone making me feel quilty as a parent a good friend....If she stayed home all day and all night, went crazy from no adult communication, took it out on the kids would that be better..I think NOT.
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 10
Posted: 9/20/2007 2:45:35 PM
O.k. that friend is the stupidest person in the world. I may not be a mother myself, but I know for a fact that mothers are not there for our becon call (or whatever it is). Yes, sure mothers have to be there for their kids 24/7, but that's in support, etc and NOT in litteral terms. What this "friend" needs to some common sense and a new brain. Mothers or anyone for that matter of fact, NEED to take time for themselves. Having children does not just mean we put our lives on hold. We still need to do stuff for ourselves and pamper ourselves a bit too. The kids are perfactly fine with daddy, therefore mom has the right to take some time off for herself. She still has a form of contact in case they need her lol. I would tell that "friend" to back off and learn what parenting REALLY is. I would have to say she's a VERY litteral thinker LOL.
Joined: 8/28/2006
Msg: 11
Posted: 9/20/2007 3:06:34 PM
Hmmm, I'm wondering with this "friend" has children - is the "friend" female and if so, is she a single mum too? If yes to all the above - then I guess she must of course practice what she preaches?? If no to any of the above, then I don't think this "friend" has any right what so ever to judge your friend, who is obviously doing an exceptionally good job of raising her children pretty much single handedly! I've been a single Mum since my youngest daughter was 10 weeks old. I returned to work full time in order to keep the family home. I missed so much of their growing up for the first 3/4years of their lives and now, I'm a childminder myself and am lucky enough to be there for my own children - take them to school, collect them, and be there during the holidays. Their dad has them over night for a grand total of 2 nights a month and if I'm totally honest, I feel really down in the dumps if my "night off" is wasted and I end up sitting at home with a glass of wine (or two) on my own! Surely as adults we are allowed the luxury of being who WE are and not just "Mummy". I bet your bottom dollar that your friends ex doesn't sit there at home for the 45% of the time he doesn't have the children, just waiting for the phone to ring .... does the other "friend" consider him to be an awful father, or is he a good dad because he sees his kids so often? There is this wonderful thing in life that we all try desperately not to fall victim to and that is resentment. The last thing your friend wants to happen to her is to stick at home every moment of her life, not have a life, but merely "an existence" whilst her children are growing up. Because if she does, there is a chance that she'll end up resenting her time with the kids (not the kids themselves) and possibly end up quite bitter in later life about what she missed out on. Tell her that she is being a fantastic and responsible mother. And give yourself a big hug - for being such a caring friend!
Joined: 1/8/2007
Msg: 12
Posted: 9/20/2007 4:02:23 PM

However, she has recently been told by another friend that she is not being a good mother beause "good mothers" are ALWAYS there for their kids 24/7 - that by going out when her kids are with their father she is being deficient in parenting.
To clarify, this "friend" of hers said that even when the kids are with their dad, she should be sitting at home near the phone, waiting for it to ring, in case they need her.

Life shouldn't be put on pause just because someone is a parent. I did that when my son was younger, it has detriments

I think someone needs to tell your friends friend that they might need to seek counsel, or at least have a understanding of how to live a sane life.
Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 13
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Posted: 9/20/2007 4:14:59 PM
I agree with everyone else here.... Your friends friend is an idot.... I have been a single Mom for 6 years now. I started out staying home with my kids... and even when kids were gone most of time I just sat around home with other family, not going out or finding 'me' time. Since then, I have discovered that it takes quality 'me' time to give quality time to my kids. I need to go out, de-stress and recharge myself, so that I can give my kids full attention when I am home, instead of daydreaming about what I want to be doing, and I think will keep me from being bitter for spending so much time alone waiting for my kids!
Joined: 8/31/2007
Msg: 14
Posted: 9/20/2007 4:56:11 PM
I totally agree, being a single parent myself i understand and know how important it is to go out and have a life outside of my oldest is 7 and youngest 4 and believe it or not the last 2 months is the first time minus once before that i have started to have a life outside of my home...i am a full time college student as i am young and had my kids young and i always felt guilty that i never gave them enough time, or just felt guilty in general for going out and leaving them with sitters so i just never went out..and it is frustrating and the stress of going to school/work and then being mom and doing all that is involved with that including extra curricular activites for kids and so i previously stated i have started going out however because i left it for so long i no longer have a social network besides one or 2 friends which i know isnt healthy for me and/or my kids...the few times i have went out though it is refreshing and much needed i find it makes me appreicate being a mom more and my kids and it also helps make the kids appreciate me and all i do for them..i wish i didnt leave it for that long though since on the weekends i am often still just sitting at home and when my kids are gone say with their dads im still just sitting at home lol..but what can u do..anyways i rambled on enough but it is definately needed for parents let alone single parents to socialize and get out of the house..

After all, once your children and grown and move out if you dont aquire that social status now you will be alone and have noone......
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 15
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Posted: 9/20/2007 5:29:31 PM
my sister goes out every other day and every other weekend when she doesn't have her kids. I see nothing wrong with that.

I think it's silly too, her friend doesn't know what she's talking about, parents are people too, we all need a life. If she doesn't have her kids, that should be time spent on her so that the times she does have them, the attention is more to them. and everyone benefits from that. her friend must be living in the 50s or something.
Joined: 12/27/2006
Msg: 16
Posted: 9/20/2007 6:28:09 PM
This is one of those women who loves to preach but not to practice what she preaches!....presumably the friend goes out too or she wouldn't be able to maintain friendships!
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 17
Posted: 9/20/2007 7:12:31 PM
I'm with Lulabye, I bet the friend's friend has no children.

If she does, then I also bet her IQ is in the double digits.
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 18
Posted: 9/20/2007 10:28:08 PM
I absolutely agree with you in that parents needed to have well rounded lives including adult friendships and nights out. That is what I am fighting for right ex wants to take no responsibility at all for his son. He can go out and do anything he wants, anytime he wants, just as if he was a bachelour with no kids. All I want is just 2 nights a month that I can make plans to go out and have some fun and don't have to be calling the ex to see if he will take my son (as I think if the child is going to be taken care of anyone else then it should be with a capable dad)...It's like I am asking my dad if I am allowed to go out and I don't think my ex needs to know everything I am doing because I certainly don't know everything he is doing. But more importantly than that, is the fact that he needs to spend more time with his child as his child really thinks his dad doesn't care for him because of past is so sad for my son, trying to make his dad just see he son on a consistent basis and to be responsible for something in his life...which is the child that he helped bring into this world....he showed a little more responsibility with his first son (not by me) but not a heck of a lot. Sorry that is my rant as I just had issues happen with him today and just do not know what is the best course of action to take right now. Thanks for reading though! BTW ....I too have a cell phone so my son can reach me anytime and I don't think anyone should just have to sit at home waiting for the children to call or come need to have a life to and also to be able to enjoy just makes for better relationships all around, in my opinion.
Joined: 8/8/2007
Msg: 19
Posted: 9/21/2007 5:49:35 AM

My opinion is that your friend's other friend is no friend at all AND a moron.

sorry I had to quote that for the sheer and utter truthfulness of it, she stole the words right out of my mouth.

I think I may know that friend's friend... I was told a little while ago that I was a bad mother for working!

Some people's children...........

better throw me in there too mother in law was told the same thing about my sons father, they even awarded custody to him to his dad on that basis..its utter bs..
Joined: 8/25/2007
Msg: 20
Posted: 9/21/2007 6:04:10 AM
I'm not gonna say who's the bad guy or not in this situation, but from the other side of the fence.... i can't speak for the friend, but my own beliefs.

Now I'm not calling the woman a bad mom so nobody jump down my throat.

Now i dunno if her friend is from a strict european upbringing or old fashioned, but i think the same.

Mind you I'll say i don't call women who have the fathers still around "single moms" but yea, anyways to add is that she's even lucky she can have that freedom to get out. Secondly, i was raised in a strict Portuguese family where my mother always said "A mother is a child's biggest role model, all your actions will be seen or heard about sooner or later so make it a positive one".

As a single mom ( no dad around ), if i wanted to leave him with mom or sitter to go out or have friends or lovers over i could. But choose not to. I believe that the mother should be around a lot, especially when the child(kids) is young. But hey thats my perspective and beliefs so yea.

I wouldn't call her a bad mom, as long as she is a mother when they are with her and not spending the money on having a good time. Nor would i call her friend crazy, cause not many of us share that vision of what a mother is and have our beliefs.
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 21
Posted: 9/21/2007 6:15:20 AM

My opinion is that your friend's other friend is no friend at all AND a moron.

Yeah, ditto. What the friends friend said sounds like something someone who has never had kids would say.

How can a mom or dad model a healthy balanced life for their children if they don't HAVE a healthy balanced life? And really, how smart would it be for a single parent to allow him/herself to get run down and exhausted? Would that be good for the children?

OP, your friends friend needs a dose of reality.
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 22
Posted: 9/21/2007 6:19:48 AM
You know, I wish instead of quoting just one part of one message you could quote all of them...

I agree with EVERYONE.... Going out and having your own life is Extremely important... It is great that she has her cell phone with her... I Always have my cell phone with me and even when my ex has the kids if my phone rings and it has either her number or my sons cell number I excuse myself and answer it, no matter what...

I do also have to agree that your friends friend is no friend and is a Moron too
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 23
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Posted: 9/21/2007 6:39:51 AM
Life does NOT end when one is a parent.

If you don't take care of yourself first... who will be there to take care of your children?

Adults need adult time too, no matter what form it takes. I think your friend is responsible enough and the other "friend" should get a life.
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 24
Posted: 9/21/2007 7:13:31 AM
what truly matters is what kind of parent she is when she has the kids, not when she doesn't
Joined: 1/25/2005
Msg: 25
Posted: 9/21/2007 7:57:11 AM
Your friend's friend is stupid. End of story.
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