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 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 1
The illusion of online datingPage 1 of 27    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)
They used to say you will meet someone when you least expect it. I have found this to be true throughout my life. Serendipity is a wonderful thing. Perhaps a natural energy and timing attracting 2 people together.

Instead people sit alone and try to meet people through technology. It seems these days people can spend more and more time looking for a mate due to the internet. Thousands of chat rooms, dating sites, message boards, etc. But it seems to me, more people are alone than ever. Usually people that rely on online dating. People can spend hours every night looking, checking email, messaging, emailing etc.

I met my ex at the grocery store. I said hello, we talked, went on a date, then became exclusive. It was easy and natural. Neither of us used online dating.

If we met online however, chances are we would have met for coffee, talked, and never talked to each other again. We would be thinking of the 30 other people that also want to meet us. And after that, 30 more, etc. We wouldn't even think of how we met by chance, it was just a mechanical internet meeting. We would be alone, and serial dating 30 more people.

Also, the internet makes an average woman a superstar. If a woman is a 7, perhaps before online dating she would meet a couple guys a week, and most she would not like. So if a decent , in shape, attractive good man approached her, chances are they would date, get to know each other, and fall in love. She knows it could be months before another decent man approaches her.. End result is, everyone is happy, and not alone.

Online, the woman who is a 7, has 200 men emailing her a day, if she puts herself out there. Sure, most men might just want sex, but she still gets tons of attention. She thinks she can pick and choose, and find the perfect one. If she meets a man who is great, she is holding out for spectacular. However, most of the men she likes most likely have 30 other women to meet as well. It is an illusion. She can be very picky, but the man can also meet a different type of woman everyday. Short, tall, large breasted, petite,slender, large, White, Asian, Hispanic etc. Men can have all the variety they like.

I find it interesting that people I have met from cultures that have arranged marriages are openly very happy. I have asked them in depth, and it is pretty easy to tell, both parties are fulfilled. They take care of each other, support each other, and that is their mindset, as opposed to thinking "the magical exact perfect right guy will meet me, timing will be perfect, and he will like me too. We will coincendentally have the exact same goals, desires, wants, needs, religion,tastes, and philosophies.I just need to keep plugging away and meeting another 100 men off the net."

I have read threads on here in which women have met hundreds of men, and "cant meet the right one".

What if what we are doing is forcing something that shouldn't be forced, and we should allow ourselves and natural instinct to take over to find a mate. Maybe technology is taking away our most basic instinct, which is finding, attracting, and keeping a mate.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 2
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 6:57:45 PM
Raychass, I mean if you are in multiple sites, maybe just not POF.

And I don't know if the word is "pickier". That would imply we can become satisfied. I think it is more of an ongoing quest mindset we develop, instead of being satisfied with one person.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 3
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 7:17:01 PM
Dude, I do know women that get even more than 300 emails a day. So you make a good point here. And it's true. But not just for the women, but the men as well. You go out with someone and while in the past when she wasn't perfect, you go out with her a couple of times, but here, quickly go. Nah, I can do better. The thing is, that you do better. And instead of finding someone because that is all you can get, you find someone that you want to get. To me that means that then you will have a more lasting relationship with that person, and since it's based on values that after meeting a lot of people you finally got there, you can withstand the tittle fights, the ups and downs, that then make it into a solid relationship. So, that's the other side of this coin.
 SWSpice
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 4
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 7:18:32 PM
Yep I was just going to post a similar thread. It is CRAZY these days.

The last 1 1/2 years the dating scene has been psycho. A guy I met over a year ago on here who wants an exclusive relationship. Exclusive for me only - because he put up a profile on this site after we met and is still here. He thinks I don't know? Yet he wants me to commit to him.

So I've been dating. One guy has profiles on so many sites I cant keep up. Another said he didn't want a pen pal, but has commitments 5 nights a week. Another ended up being scammer who lived in a cheap motel, no car, no phone. Another could only meet for lunch and not on weekends or evenings.

I've decided I will be happier single & alone than giving up my weekends and free time for these "normal" guys.
 Fefe_FXDL
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 5
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 7:25:15 PM
I agree, it is easy to get caught up in the "smorgasbord" effect. Online, you can look at profiles and pick and choose based on your list of "must haves" vs "dealbreakers". It becomes real easy to pass by profile after profile for the slightest of superficial reasons...too old...too young...too tall...too short...too fat...too thin. In the real world, however, you might meet someone who is far from the "ideal" that you think you are looking to find, and be completely smitten.

The other reason it is easy to say "no thanks" is because, in our search for "the one", we realize that we don't need to meet every person that expresses an interest. If "the one" is out there, that means there are millions of others that just aren't quite right. Also, if we are perfectly content being single, we are less willing to make small compromises just to have a partner in life.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 6
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 7:32:31 PM
Out mind, I agree..

But the person we meet in real life gives us butterflies. We think of them, and are excited to see them. Our mind is focused on them, and how lucky we were to have met them. They are not any less than a woman on the internet. There is no perfect person in my opinion.

Lets say we use your idea, and assume "we do better". The problem is the woman on the internet we feel is better also thinks "I can do better" to us! Realistically, probably she can, lol.

I think what matters the most is peoples mindset. You can meet the perfect woman for you, but if she has the mindset of doing better, as she has 300 new guys a day that want her, you have no chance.

I have noticed, the women I have met in real life and dated have usually been a better catch, especially when it comes to looks, attitude, and overall happiness departments.

That doesn't mean that there are not great women online. It means the great women online get 300 offers a day as opposed to 1, so they feel they might be missing something great by focusing on the one, so they dont.. Its just natural.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 7
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 7:37:55 PM
Pazozoo,

You can specify friends on your profile, or join many sites to find friends. Men usually come to these sites for sex, a lover, or a SO. If you do not want any of the latter, I understand, but I am not sure why you want to meet a man for dating if you don't..
 roxanne67
Joined: 9/23/2006
Msg: 8
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 7:50:47 PM
I believe in serendipity...........I LOVE that movie............but i agree...........sometimes it seems here its a meat market.............what happened to glancing across the room....catching someones eye............speaking without speaking...........the butterflies............the smile...............not the 200 e-mails that say heres my number and my e-mail address............but hey if you dont work out.........someone else JUST might................isnt that just sad?
 gardennut
Joined: 6/22/2006
Msg: 9
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 7:54:13 PM
JustJanice, I disagree with your post.

I met my partner a year ago through this site. We would NEVER have been connected if not for online dating, as we live in different towns. Never would our paths have crossed.

Yet we are kindred spirits, and we both believe we are meant to be together.

Sometimes online dating DOES work. My sister met her husband that way. They now have 2 children and remain happily married.

OP, I agree that online dating can create the phenomenon which you describe, in believing that something better is just around the corner. I have seen both men and women succumb to that mindset. No-one will ever quite measure up.
 lifesshort03
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 10
view profile
History
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:11:45 PM
"However, most of the men she likes most likely have 30 other women to meet as well."

I wish that were the case. Most of the guys I have talked to that have done the online dating gig are lucky if they get 30 women to even e-mail them telling them they are not interested. Most agreed that they get about 1 response per 25-30 contacts. And about 1 date per 100 they contact.

With that said, I agree with your assessment that we are probably forcing things here.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 11
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:19:41 PM
Apolinary, I agree to an extent.

Heroine may also make someone feel good. However, it has addictive qualities. You may want to do heroine instead of be with friends or go out.

Internet dating , in my opinion, might also change many peoples realities. Years ago , many many more people were in bowling leagues, sports leagues, went to happy hour, out with friends more often, set each other up on dates, etc. Now we are moving towards more technological ways of interacting. Only time will tell what affect this has on society as a whole.

I can use this tool as a way to meet a long term mate. I have no control over how the women I meet are using this. It is not ALL bad, however I notice a rather distinct difference between the connection I have formed when I meet people randomly in real life, and the strength of connection I have when I meet people online.

If you met a girl at a coffee shop, bar, club, etc., in real life, would you want to take her out knowing she meets 200 different guys at these places every day and night? You might view it as a waste of effort.

After a date, the next day there isn't a sense of being alone, thinking of the person etc, when you can turn on your computer and talk to 50 new men or women..
 pier hound
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 12
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:24:38 PM
Most women have thier sights set so high the average guy is intimidated.
Cary Grant is dead !!!!
 jackal277
Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 13
view profile
History
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/27/2007 10:00:35 PM
Hi,
can't really agree with this, I've been on dating sites for nearly a year from hard core to friendly after my wife of 28 years had an affair and left to go live with her boyfriend. At first I just wanted to get laid, that happened and I realised that I actually wanted to wake up with someone who made me smile just because they were there.
Sure we're all presented with the opportunity to act like lids in a candy store but for me that's largely worn off. I get emails from all over the world and discounting the obvious "mail order bride" girls and discounting the "glamour shot" girls I find that at least 50% of the women left out of the women who have contacted me are much more attractive in all ways than I would expect. I haven't found "the one" yet but I've made some good friends who I have regular contact with. Also, I'm only 1 year out of being dumped from a 28 year relationship so I'm still learning about being single and not rushing into anything. I'm also honest with the girls I talk to and let them know that I'm just looking for friends at this stage. I've read the "how to" E book thats advertised on this site and decided not to go with it, if women don't like me as I am then why would I want them in my life. Pretending to be someone I'm not will only get me someone who wanted someone else so why would you go there.
I guess I think it comes down to different strokes for different folks. There are no guarantees in any relationship and the net has to be bette' at the local shopsr than bars and clubs, specially for someone my age. I could still meet "the one" at the local shops but I'll never be able to have the open conversations I have on my favourite site.

'
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 14
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 4:48:06 AM
Well, I am 32, and single. But I can look at this another way.

A few years after my mother passed away, my father started to date. He was in his 60's, now 70's. He had never used the internet in his life, and still hasn't. . He went ballroom dancing. From that he had a couple dates, and he has had the same girlfriend for the past 10 years. They give each other company, companionship, etc. Thats what is important.
I would be very sad for him if he was on the internet spending hours a day "looking for someone better" , and meeting new women all the time. In reality, he might get so turned off by meeting users, gold diggers, crazy women, liars, serial daters, that he would come to the conclusion that is better to be alone.

On the internet, obviously men contact women they would never want to approach in real life. So it makes sense that meeting in real life is much more valuable.
As Jackal stated, he wanted to get laid, and found that on the internet. However, he has not found a girlfriend, or doesn't want one. I completely agree that the internet can be a good tool if looking to get laid by women you would otherwise never come across.

Sassy Aquarius... Men genetically seek variety. So if you meet a man from online, I would be willing to bet as soon as your date is over, he is back home not thinking of you, but most likely online contacting several different women. Is this a natural good thing? You and him could have been a great pair, but he is focusing his attention elsewhere. If he doesn't find anyone "better", or just different, he might see you again, and keep seeing you until he does, half-heartedly. He might keep seeing you while having sex on the side with someone else. The next man you start dating, lets say 3 months in, ask to see his email, and see his reaction...Men are as faithful as their options.. Its why rock stars and pro athletes cheat more than Joe who works at Ford motors. Because they can. The internet provides an easy avenue for this. MUCH easier than having to go out and meet women in public. The latter takes a lot more effort.

And sassy,if you have a profile with picture posted, and a man sends out 300 emails, and you are one of them, I don't see how that is serendipity. That isn't serendipitous, as your profile is most likely there for months and years, and you happen to be in his area. You are only getting attention because the other 299 didn't reply.

I am not disputing it is easy to meet people this way. I am wondering what it does to us mentally. In my opinion a large segment of internet daters are substituting the warmth and company of a good relationship for sending emails, looking at pictures, and the excitement of what can possibly be around the next corner. I don't think this goes away when you meet "the one". A persons mindset is far more important than meeting the "perfect" person.

On paper, women I have deeply loved, would not have fit into my scientific internet scanning process. And I am willing to bet the same for most women. Finding a partner shouldn't take hundreds of dates. It only does because the men women like, obviously are liked by others as well. The only difference is now the men can have all the variety they like, and after a while lose their capability of being intimate with just one. And the women men like, get several emails a day, and they also think prince charming might be around the corner..
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 15
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 6:40:30 AM
OP, the only difference with the internet is that it allows one to meet more people that they normally might in the course of their daily life, and they don't get to meet them in person right off the bat. With people working longer and longer hours, many not dating where they work, and being too tired to go out after working - or they simply don't do the club scene anymore, the internet has allowed many to still be able to meet people and go on to socialize because they've been able to people to do so with.

It would be interesting to know how long were you and the grocery store ex together. I know people who met in the conventional way and lasted less than a couple of months, and people who met on the internet who have been together over a year, over several years, and some who have been married for a number of years. It's not really *how* one meets that makes the difference...it's how much time and effort they put into making a good relationship with someone.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 16
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 7:55:44 AM

They used to say you will meet someone when you least expect it. I have found this to be true throughout my life. Serendipity is a wonderful thing. Perhaps a natural energy and timing attracting 2 people together.

What if what we are doing is forcing something that shouldn't be forced, and we should allow ourselves and natural instinct to take over to find a mate. Maybe technology is taking away our most basic instinct, which is finding, attracting, and keeping a mate.

Exactly...I think it's great to be out there, be social and generally meet new people, but trying too hard to find a mate, especially online can be counter productive - not only do you get too mathematic about it, but your vibe is of a certain amount of desperation, and you totally lose track of enjoying the rest of your life.

You have to be ok with the fact that it may take a while to meet someone you click with, and it may never happen. You should be a complete happy person and have a life and activities and all that regardless of your status. Many people don't leave the house and are on the internet exclusively for hours, days searching for someone that they think is going to change their lives. That's not a life.

I think real life is better...because the attraction is the first thing that happens, and from there we can see where it goes. Here it's backwards, and though it saves a lot of time where you don't bother with someone who doesn't agree with your lifestyle, you also can become more of a social reclusive. I think the internet is ONLY a way to meet people you might otherwise not have based on location, schedule, etc IN ADDITION to meeting people in real life - but it's not the be all and end all of dating, by a long shot.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 17
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 8:10:49 AM
Msg 34...surveys aren't infallible...relationships are an individual thing...otherwise why would almost half of marriages end in divorce well before the advent of the internet? Also, did the survey ask when these people had met their SO? If it was before the internet or the popularity of online dating sites, that can skew data.

If you have a link to the survey, I'd like to read it; thanks.

Here's a couple of other similar topic surveys that are interesting:

Pew:
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/1/not-looking-for-love

http://www.pewinternet.org/pdfs/PIP_Online_Dating.pdf
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 18
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 9:11:32 AM
Krimiariver, thanks for the stats. And ugly betty I agree.

Prolibertate, I know of men that married and fell in love with girls that were strippers, or worked at massage parlors. I don't think that means that is an excellent way for most of society to meet a mate. There are always exceptions to EVERY rule.

I am looking at this statistically, and using my own experiences, and those of my friends.

When seeking a job, would you rather go on an interview in which a friend told you about an unannounced job and put a good word in for you? Or would you rather go on a random interview from Monster.com in which there will be 500 applicants. Obviously the latter has a chance for success, but one would be silly to think this is equal to the former scenario.

If you spent all your time going on random interviews because they are easy to land from home, you wont have much success in getting a job. This also takes away from your real life networking that will be more likely to land you a QUALITY job.

Maybe I am rare, but I have shared a much deeper connection with women I met in real life. Butterflies,anticipation, being chivalrous, her being nicely dressed, planning dates, etc.

Online meetings seem to be 2 people going through the motions since they have met 150 strangers already and are still single. Or people thinking of the others they have yet to meet from online.

And if someone met hundreds of people, and still are single, is there something wrong with them? Do they pick the wrong type to meet consistently? Are the emotionally unavailable? It shouldn't be that hard.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 19
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 9:52:38 AM
OP, There are some women who fell in love with serial killers who are in jail, and married them...not only something nuts to do, IMO, but it proves that people can meet their partner in various ways ;)

As for stats, they can be made to say whatever one wants them to, so they don't hold a lot of weight with me. Not only am I useing more years of experience, but it's also common sense to look at all aspects of an issue. If more people in a survey got married 20-30 years ago, then of course they're going to answer that they met them at work or school, or in their own neighborhood...not only wasn't the internet in use by most of the public then, but people were different to a certain degree; meeting in a bar wasn't looked down on, people didn't tend to move away from where they grew up as much as they do today and had a wider group of local friends - which helped them to meet potential partners; familys were closer and many people were introduced to their partner by another family member; etc. The internet works for me because I don't date where I work, I don't go to clubs, and I have a busy life between work and school.

As far as you job analogy...who says the monster.com job might have 500 applicants? No one knows how many thhere are, and if my resume is good an dfits what they're looking for, then I get called (and I get calls/emails every week from people who saw my resume on monster.com even though I'm not looking for a different job). I also don't know too many people who will recommend a friend anymore; too many have gotten into trouble doing that and I wouldn't ever ask a friend to do that for me anyway.

I've never had to do real-life networking to get a job, and I've worked for the last 31 years steadily; and in the same career (SQA validation and auditing) for the last 21. I've met nice men both on-and off-line; I believe it's more about knwoing what one wants an doesn't want, and weeding out the chaff from the wheat before getting exclusively involved with someone. As far as meeting more people online, everyone has a choice to either meet someone or not and how many they want to meet. I know people that can go out to the clubs and meet several hundred different people in a month - same as online...and they may or may not find the one they want to be with.

I don't know why some people would want to meet 100-150 people. I suspect their reasons are as varied as they are. For me personally, I've met maybe 8-10 people in the course of a couple of years online...by my choice. I won't meet everyone and anyone who contacts me and wants to meet because most aren't anything close to what I'm looking for, and my belief is I'd rather be in no relationship than a bad one. I'm also not desperate to find someone, anyone, to be in a relationship with. It's worked for me so far, and as the caliber of the men I've dated has gone up consistently, to the point where I'm now dating someone who appears to meet most, if not all, of the criteria I find important, I'm pretty happy with how things have worked out, and worked out online...since that's how I met him ;) Only time will tell how things will go, but we're enjoying getting to know each other...and he's much better than the type of men I used to date because most importantly I figured out what I did and didn't want in my life and relationship.

<div class="quote">Maybe I am rare, but I have shared a much deeper connection with women I met in real life. Butterflies,anticipation, being chivalrous, her being nicely dressed, planning dates, etc.

Maybe this isn't what you meant, but I don't see being chivalrous, dressing nicely, butterflies as being a 'deeper connection'. Can you please clarify that for me? I'm interested to know what you mean by 'deeper connection'.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 21
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 10:32:09 AM
Thanks strawberry...

I think everything is relative. People living in Siberia, that only know of Siberia, may be extremely happy with their life, friends, family, etc. If you inundate them with 100,000 options of a place to live, show them every city, they might not want to settle anywhere, and keep seeing what the next place has to offer, and never have a home, friends, or family like they once did.

It is my honest belief that any 2 people within reason (same morals, values, attractiveness level), if paired together can fall in love. This is why many people in arranged marriages are almost always very happy.

I look at my friends that have never used internet dating. They meet a girl, ask her out, and usually at that point, more times than not, they become a LTR. My friends ARE NOT 6 ft 3, rich, models, etc. They are regular guys. The women they date long term are excellent catches compared to the average selection of women online. It is simple. They enjoy each other, and are happy to have met. They don't think in terms of a scientific, technological profile they have to meet to better their lives. Or how they can click a mouse and Cindy Crawford is waiting to meet them. Perhaps it isn't SUPPOSED to be that easy to have that much dating variety.. Its why Scott Baio is 45 and single.

There is much more to people than stats. Once we turn off our basic instincts, and look for love based on a technological profile, and entertain hundreds and thousands of options, we make something simple, difficult. We read the same thing in every profile, and people who haven't had luck online start to think there is something wrong with themselves.

In reality, my friends that have beautiful girlfriends, and that are in LTR'S would not have a chance in online dating. Women would say they are too short, don't make enough money, aren't hot or fit enough, etc. So they would be alone. These same women seeking this are also alone, as what they want, they can't find. If they find it, the guy doesn't want what they want at that time..
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 22
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 10:57:38 AM
Prolibertate..

Read my last post. By deeper connection, I mean just that. You see a woman. You feel an attraction. You talk to her. Ask her out. You are very excited she said yes to seeing you, or even gave you her number! You might be a bit nervous. She is also. You think of her in anticipation until your date. Wonder what she is thinking. Wonder when to call. Plan something. Most likely, she is feeling the same. In between that time, most likely both parties are not talking to several other potential mates. When you agree to go on a date, it is more meaningful.

Online is far from being like that. You point, click, see a photo, send an email, and arrange a meet. Within 2 minutes you talk to another woman who also wants to meet. You compare photos to see who looks better. Oh, 15 minutes later a girl I chatted with 3 weeks ago just emailed me. She is free this weekend. Hmmm, let me email a few more and see what else I can get. Maybe i will instant message some of these other women and start up a conversation. I just had another phone conversation. On the way to the meet I am wondering if I made the right choice. Should I even be going to meet her?

Now after all of that, do you think the guy is caring much about the first woman he agreed to meet? He can keep searching for women who look better than you, or women he feels he might have more "fun" with.

It is in a guys mind that there is a unlimited supply of women, so why on Earth should he care much about the meet when there are thousands more a click away?


And men that have naturally had this many options, i.e Rock stars, pro athletes,actors, etc have a very hard time sticking to one woman. So now, with the internet regular Joe can also have a similar problem, at the very least in his own mind.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 23
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 11:20:48 AM
Newlifestart,

He isn't some separate species that is a "Player". He is a regular guy. Men with options act in that manner. Take Joe car mechanic, and make him rich and famous. The first thing that will change are his dating habits. Hence, why i am asking if online dating is really that great. It changes people.

Or as someone emailed me...

Here's another thing I believe is happening. Men are getting lazy about approaching women in real life. They are losing their dating "balls" since the internet makes rejection so much easier.

Our senses and bodies know when someone is vibrating in "tune" with us and when we are in physical proximity we're like tuning forks. The internet robs us of our connection with our gut and natural sensory instinct regarding attraction.
 marylandcutie
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 24
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 11:22:00 AM
I totally agree OP. Great insightful observations.

Here's another thing I believe is happening as a result of internet connecting. Men are getting lazy about approaching women in real life. They are losing their dating "balls" since the internet makes rejection so much easier.

Our senses and bodies know when someone is vibrating in "tune" with us and when we are in physical proximity we're like tuning forks. The internet robs us of our connection with gut feelings and natural sensory instincts regarding attraction.

Seems you'd HAVE to meet greater numbers via the internet to actually connect with a few.
 Pharista
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 25
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 11:29:05 AM
Thanks for your thoughtful and insightful post OP...

In my case, I hadn't dated (for various reasons) since my early 30s and then not American men (living out of the country). After my divorce, I was a bit insecure as to what it was like to date at this age, in this city, and if I would still be considered "attractive" or not. So I experimented with online dating just to have a better idea of what men were like, what they want, etc. It's been a good learning experience for me and now I do feel that at this age, with this older body, I am still found attractive, which has boosted my confidence as a woman.

I have met some very nice people online who have become friends, found people to play tennis with, and of course, have met "jerks" who seem to have some severe emotional and trust issues. Even though I get discouraged at times with the quality of men on these sites, I think of those few pearls I have met and don't give up.

But I have thought about what you say also...if the online dating didn't exist, would I push myself more to meet people in a "real" setting? Probably so. However, I did meet my ex online (but not on a dating site), and even though that relationship didn't work out, it was all perfect, for it has led me to who I am now and changed my life I believe in a positive way.

So it's all good! Thanks again OP!
 Pharista
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 26
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 11:55:52 AM
Perhaps I am an exception, but I don't usually try to "juggle" several men at the same time. If I start communicating with someone who seems to have some type of "potential" and whom I like, I don't keep the fire going on the others "just in case". I play it out with one until we meet and see what happens. If it goes nowhere, I start again. That's one reason I like to meet people as soon as possible and not have endless emails or chatting. There's only one way to know if there's a relationship potential: meet face to face and FEEL. I can also tell a lot about a person from how they talk on the phone, though some men seem to be afraid of that even.
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