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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 2
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?Page 1 of 50    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
A lot of women do the same. Why they are looking for anything from a group of strangers is beyond me.

Basically it's for people who want sex without the strings or hassle of a full relationship. Maybe they are just out of something, maybe they are commitment phobes, or just not the relationship type. Women look for this more with male friends they have known a while and trust, but men seem to take the term more casually and try to apply it to ongoing one night stands with strangers.

It does serve it's purpose between two people who trust each other, know it's not going anywhere else and don't want to be tied down, but more often than not one side of the deal will agree to it with the hope/agenda that it might become something more, and then eventually gets hurt when it never does.

Thanks for that, but I dont think that my profile suggests that I am open to such a thing. Arent there any nice guys around anymore?

Of course there are nice men, you just have to weed thru the idiots - don't let em bother ya. Men who are into FWBs, NSAs, or FBs will ask whether you mention it or not, they are on a hit or miss type of marketing. They're just blanketing tons of women and don't usually even read profiles.
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 10
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/3/2007 9:26:22 AM
they want the sex without the relationship or commitment. Thats why I dont do FWB.

Soap on a rope?? *LMAO* I sell that stuff at my job.......
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 12
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/3/2007 11:35:26 AM
I recently had a guy make this "offer" to me. He was not someone from here, rather someone that I know in real life. He's just recently broken up with his gf, and claims they hadn't had sex in a long time...

Boy, as tempted as I was (not), I had to turn him down. Not because I feel it's wrong, if both parties consent to it, AND know exactly what they're getting, I think it's fine. But I wasn't interested. I barely know the guy (up until recently he was my neighbor), certainly not well enough to jump in bed with him. I did give him my number, but surprisingly (sarcasm), I haven't heard from him...

By the way windroper, I loved your response!! Very witty!!
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 16
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/3/2007 1:29:26 PM
OP, people - men and women, as this isn't a single-gender thing - who do that can do it because it's exactly what they're looking for, they're not looking for an exclusive relaitonship and all the responsibilities that come with that. And because there are enough people out there who will agree to be FWBs it's easy for them to keep doing that. I figure if they're honest about it and they both agree to it, it's their business. I know it's not what I want, so I wouldn't agree to it. If you don't want that either, then start choosing different types than you have been...take time to get to know someone and keep your eyes open for red flags.
 Ferrus Manus
Joined: 2/14/2007
Msg: 37
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/3/2007 6:54:14 PM
because more women are open to the idea, and men don't have to worry about being hurt emotionally by the woman since there's no actual bond.
 kwh56
Joined: 8/7/2007
Msg: 41
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/3/2007 8:02:56 PM
Wow. I skimmed through this post fast and didnt see one that even comes close to what I would call a friend with benefits. I have said thats kinda what I am looking for but lets clarify a few things. One I am not one to just jump into bed with any woman I meet. Two Im not scared of commitment. My reasons for friends with benefits are that I would like to be exclusive with one woman however to be completely honest I am a divorced father with4 kids 2 still home full time. Between work and kids I just dont have the time to devote to a serious relationship. It wouldn't be fair to me, a woman or my kids at this point to even try. It would however be very nice to have a woman to go places with and to do thing with when I can arrange the time. The benefits make it even a sweeter deal as I stated earlier I have no desire what so ever to be in bed with one tonight and another one tomorrow night. Thats just not going to happen here!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 49
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 4:54:48 AM
Ladies, you can say what you want... but deep down men like a chase.

In a FWB situation, there's no conquest at the end of the chase...women who understand what an FWB is and go into it to serve their needs won't want a chase. It implies interest and expectation that it's more than it is. And it just isn't. You're not in it to land anyone or get involved, it's just a convenient temporary arrangement.

Therefore, we only incite chase in a man we feel has more potential than an FWB, at a time when that's what we're looking for. Don't waste your time trying to make a man chase you just because he's male...big mistake. Not to mention in a true FWB, that it's someone you've known and have history with, so they know you well enough that you don't deal with all that date and chase stuff.

Assuming men are taking women for sex because they don't want more is kind of naive - a lot of women suggest FWBs and agree to them and they don't want more than that either.

Unfortunately all we keep hearing about are the women who agreed to this hoping for more and then getting hurt (male and female, but mostly male) and those who were approached with this concept by a total stranger who couldn't be a friend with such little history. Neither is a true FWB. The ones that are successful don't get threads posted about them.

P.S. If two people want sex and part time companionship without the hassle of a relationship and IT WORKS FOR THEM, outsiders calling thems shallow is out of place, and judgemental. To those people: worry about your own lives. You don't agree with FWB, FB, or NSA? Then don't participate. Simple.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 50
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 5:38:29 AM

Unfortunately all we keep hearing about are the women who agreed to this hoping for more and then getting hurt (male and female, but mostly male)

I meant - (well male and female, but mostly FEmale)

Carry on.
 Gene__ml
Joined: 9/18/2007
Msg: 51
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 6:07:24 AM
Bethlet;

I am way out of your area, therefore, please understand that I am not going to try to date you. I think that sites lke this are great places for people (male & female) that are fishing or looking to get laid. So, you are going to get lots of that kind of person on here, LOTS of them. That doesn't mean that *I* will. Perhaps I am unusual here, granted. But, that doesn't mean that there are lots more like me. I've been on-line since 1984, with a 15 year marriage from dating a woman who I met on-line. Yes, we met on-line before the internet, which I'm sure many of you think couldn't be possible. Well, before the internet there were "BBS's", which were always local and if you met someone, you could be assured that you wouldn't have to drive to the ends of the earth to meet them. Anyhow, you will meet someone genuine someday, but you will have to get past the players I guess. I prefer honesty myself, that way I don't have to cover my tracks with lies.

Gene
 SaucySec
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 56
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 8:25:34 AM
Gee...I guess I'm from the old school of doing this stuff but remember when SEX was thought dirty and the AIR was Clean?? now its so oppisit! where is Morality? where is "Love" where is TRUE Gentlmen???
 isnap
Joined: 1/12/2004
Msg: 58
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 8:32:22 AM
Its natural for men to like this. Similar to women liking the arrangement of Man with Money.
Whats wrong with having a lover? I know a lot of people are insecure, and will disagree.
We cant always fall in love before we need to have sex. I don't mind commitment, but i can't commit in a week. It has to be magic. Good luck.
 becca210
Joined: 7/26/2006
Msg: 59
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 8:49:57 AM
You would think by now that more of you would have learned some "life" lessons. You
keep putting those pink/blue booties on people. Not all men are looking for FWB!
Damn, I am a woman and I've made it very clear that I am open to such a relationship.
Why am I open to it? Because I've had it in the past and it worked for me. I am saying that I am OPEN to such a relationship......finding that person isn't easy either.
And to imply that this means men are cheap is just nuts. Some of you seem to have a "trailer trash" mentality; in that everything is cheap and tawdry in your opinion.

I am a very busy woman.......and men that I'm attracted to are busy. Many successful men travel and find it wonderful to have dinner with a "friend". And for the record, every time you see this person doesn't mean sex......it could but it doesn't have to ...because the relationship is about more than sex.
Why would you people think that this arrangement means that there is no CARING?
It is not about strangers. Every person that you meet for Long Term is a stranger until
you progress to a friendship.
Sometimes people have goals or whatever that make them not want a LTR at a given time.
Often people are married and get no TLC or understanding and just want the company of
someone that can offer that.
The needs/wants are as different as the people doing the wanting.
If FWB wouldn't work for you.....that is fine....but please quit making these blanket statements regarding things that you really don't know anything about.
Becca
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 64
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 9:59:33 AM

They are looking for that because enough women are willing to agree to it, that they've gotten used to getting no-strings sex.


BINGO!

When women starting go along with this "idea', "practice", what did they think would happen?..Many men would go for it, it's part of their nature. As far as I'm concerned, the women who agree to these arrangments, haven't done women as a whole any favors..
 BRAVE ENOUGH 2 TRY AGAIN
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 65
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 10:05:14 AM
You hit the nail right on the head Mystic Magic. Why eat the icing when you can have the cake too until "Miss Right" comes along? I am so sick of hearing men say we can be friends with benefits. Don't they realize it makes them look just as bad? And the stereotypical thing is men are studs if they are like this but women are sl***. What a CROCK!
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 67
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 10:26:37 AM

They are looking for that because enough women are willing to agree to it, that they've gotten used to getting no-strings sex.


BINGO!

When women starting go along with this "idea', "practice", what did they think would happen?..Many men would go for it, it's part of their nature. As far as I'm concerned, the women who agree to these arrangments, haven't done women as a whole any favors..


In other words, she is now free to take or do what she wants without social judgment. And what is wrong with that?


IMHO: The social judgement is still there, read most of these posts...some are more progressive, but many are not . Many men who say these things are rationalizing so the system will work for them. It isn't about being a commodity, it's about caring about me as a person, not a device or vehicle. And I'm not talking about buying things either.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 68
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 10:26:47 AM
Well, let's see. When my divorce is final it will be the second time that I've had to start over from basically zero.

At least this time I don't feel ripped off by it. What I got from my STBE in terms of positive personal growth and enough emotional support to risk pursuing my fondest hopes made it worth it. It's really too bad she didn't want to come along with me, but that's not her path. I might not get my dream, but I have to try. At least I'm leaving her in a position where she can get hers.

Our generation lost some valuable things when we threw aside the old dating protocol. I don't think we've come up with a replacement that works very well. What men want is _something_ that will allow us to get our needs for physical touch and sexual gratification met without having to put our futures and fortunes on the line in the first month.

Rather than asking why men are like this and women are like that, it might be more productive to look at it in terms of the actual desires and fears involved, so that we can come up with a new dating protocol that actually works for us.

Wouldn't _that_ be a mature way to approach a puzzling issue like this? LOL!!!!

Personally, I like making out. A lot. Way fun. So less risky! It gets those cravings satisfied for the most part and no one ends up feeling ripped off.

I highly recommend it!
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 71
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 11:58:33 AM
Msg 22...when one looks at the literal meanings of words, the term 'emotionally shallow' does appear to fit the FWB scenario, IMO. As far as morality goes, while those who engage in FWB relationships may be fine with it, it's essentially casual sex which isn't seen as very moral by many...and as most FWB relationships end badly - due to miscommunication, emotions becoming involved (which proves that many can't deal with a casual sexual relationship), etc. - it's hard to see how they could actually be a good thing for *both* parties involved, even if both agreed to it. Whle I dont' care what anyone does as long as no one gets hurt, I do know that a FWB relationship isn't something that interests me at all...but I do wonder how many people agree to one believing they can eventually 'convince' the other person to become their actual partner.

Emotional:
of or relating to emotion
dominated by or prone to emotion
appealing to or arousing emotion
markedly aroused or agitated in feeling or sensibilities

Shallow:
having little depth
having little extension inward or backward
penetrating only the easily or quickly perceived b : lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling

Depth:
the degree of intensity ; also : the quality of being profound (as in insight) or full (as of knowledge); a profound or intense state (as of thought or feeling)

Morality:
a moral discourse, statement, or lesson b : a literary or other imaginative work teaching a moral lesson
a doctrine or system of moral conduct b plural : particular moral principles or rules of conduct
conformity to ideals of right human conduct
moral conduct : VIRTUE

Moral:
of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior : ETHICAL
expressing or teaching a conception of right behavior
conforming to a standard of right behavior
sanctioned by or operative on one's conscience or ethical judgment
capable of right and wrong action
 kindapicky
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 72
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 12:14:14 PM
I do have many female friends, but no FWB. I think this could jeopardize our friendship and a little sex would not be worth that. Far to many men and women have a casual attitude about sex now days.
But as far as the desire for sex it is still there. But I am a christian, try not to live a "double standard" life, so sex is pretty much out of the question until we become a committed couple.
Besides, way too much diseases out there, so until a commitment can be made with trust, my pants are staying on.
 word nurd
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 73
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 12:26:57 PM
I have a great job. It pays well, but there are no benefits. So, if I could find a friend that had some, and I could somehow get added, I'm all over it.

Oh, sorry. Wrong kind of bennies...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 76
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 1:29:57 PM
Mesg 82
Oh now that's FUNNY.
Haven't read the entire thread. I suspect that there are a lot of factors creating the FWB trend. I wish I could get FWB to work for me, relationships are a hell of a lot of WORK( hmm, could that be what's behind the FWB trend? Laziness? Maybe a little bit of fear?) But that's beside the point. I will not sit in judgement of those who seek, or accept them. It's possible that it's a lot about quick and easy gratification. Instead of sex being about pleasing the one you love( and reaping the benefits thereof) it becomes about pleasing oneself simply with the physical mechanics of sex. Obviously this is better and safer when done with a friend. Having sex with strangers, or near-strangers, is usually nothing but a prelude to disaster...
Cindy O
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 80
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 2:59:16 PM
Amen to that as it is truly unconditional!! But be aware Jody1960, you are about to face the wrath and moral preachings from other females on this thread for making this remark. After all, you are their enemy #1.


That's a bunch of baloney....she, and no other woman is my enemy. My opinions are my opinions. I'm not making a judgment. I'm stating my belief. Morals are pretty liquid these days, depending on your outlook and upbringing. I can say I think it's a bad idea, without calling the person bad. My PERSONAL opinion is: satisfying needs for the sake of the need is selfish and short sighted. And it's only unconditional from emotional issues. Even if true unconditionality ( ?) is even possible with human behavior. There are always conditions, conscious or not for our behavior. Just like there is no such thing as "true" unconditional love, there can be no such thing as "unconditonal" sex. One condition could be you are exclusive sexually, even if it is only a sexual relationship. Another could be, you "promise" not to get emotionally involved. Still conditions. I could think of others.

And per the previous remark about a woman's "value" being compromised by women who choose to have sex for the sake of sex....since we aren't interested in men who are looking for same, our value hasn't gone down. There are still plenty of men who feel as we do.
 Paladin_Darkwolf
Joined: 3/1/2007
Msg: 84
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 4:02:34 PM
Friends with benefits...

I had one of those (actually, I still have the friend, just that distance now stops the benefits part) that lasted over 9 years. The underlying friendship (and yes, it was a REAL friendship) outlasted my one marriage and several of hers.

For me, friends with benefits is a real friendship (and you do friend things) where you have enough sexual chemistry to do it with each other... or at least in my case with her, she and I were too afraid to actually try a relationship with each other.

So, I do treat my friends as real friends, sex involved or not. The problem is that folks mistake the concept of friends with benefits for the concept known as the bootycall. The bootycall has no attachment... a FWB still has the friendship attachment.
 finandfine
Joined: 9/1/2007
Msg: 86
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 10:16:46 PM
I see most on here see there's no harm in Friends with Benefits - Well I for one do, if it’s a new friend online or not, in 9 out of 10 some one will start to get feelings for the other, it’s inevitable and that someone will get hurt, if not total crushed.. In my very much younger years, I tried it a few times or more, so I know 1st hand. The bigger problem is if the other person doesn’t give a dam one way or the other, so I ask was it real friend? USE A SERVICE. And yes at one time or another I had a real true friend that ether one of us could turn to, to fill our needs or anything.

We were for many years great friends and still are to this day, the sex part never was a problem for ether one of us as we were just there for one another.. If one of us got involved in a relationship we still remand great friends, with out the sex.. There were never any hard feelings only happy for the other… Today she is happily married and we remained good friends minus the sex. dam

I am not looking for Friends with Benefits.. On the other side of the coin if two people going into it have no idea what they want, witch I think is ok, could have realistic expectations, some one will most likely get heart, no more then a new relationship, no two ways about it.

Having sex with strangers, or near-strangers, is usually nothing but a disaster in the making. Besides, way too much diseases out there, so until some kind of commitment can be made with one person and trust, my pants are staying on (I think), start off as a casual relationship for say.

My profile says friends, deep down I know what I want and need.
What I would like though, is to be in agreement that we are both hoping for the possibility of something more lasting.

At this time I have only been separated from my wife of 8 years that was total one sided in the love an affection, needs an communication department as I was told and believe she lacked in her sexuality.. So I need to find some special person SOON!! Hhaa. Or I may have to reconsider this, find Friends with Benefits thing, and really hope no one would get hurt. So not me..

As it stands for me I don’t really know what I really what…///??

Off topic for one second:::: What burns me up on these forums is reading all those dam letter that mean noting to a good part of people on here., like FWB and what ever those others are,, then you read there profile and she wants someone that can at lest spell, as part of who she is looking for.. I can’t spell for beans, who really care, REALLY, we all have some not so good points. I your saying this stop using these letters that mean sh***t. Spell it. Well that’s another topic in it’s self.

Back to topic
Ya if that made any sense A
Ar
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 95
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/5/2007 8:42:04 AM
^^^I don't look at this negatively, just as a different way of thinking...I think most men will try for sex no matter what they say they're looking for. It's just a matter of what they'll take with it depending on the woman in question. Some they don't want anything else from, some they'll wait it out for because they see more than that in that person. The sooner you sleep with them, the less they know about you and the less attachment you're going to have. Also, the less you'll know what their original intention FOR YOU was once the sex is over and the smoke clears.

I'd say don't sleep with someone you don't know well unless you don't care if there's any attachment or where it goes. I'm not saying all women want relationships and hold out for em, but I think over the years we've been programmed to think it's something to be worked for even when we don't want the rest...it's sort of a default in our programming.

My quote from a recent thread - it applies here as well:

First of all, you cannot have a friends with benefits situation with a complete stranger, no matter how much someone approaches you and tries to convince you otherwise. Anything less than an established friendship is a booty call, plain and simple.

A lot of people have to understand that it's more often than not the first option for women. HOWEVER...some women become attached after the fact, and yes some go into it knowing full well what the deal is and hope for more. To the women who want more than this and hope for the best, I agree it's a bad move. Ladies, please know your limitations based on your personality and avoid situations where you're putting yourself in emotional danger.

Yes, some people want a sex hookup and tell you they want otherwise, but it's certain people that are into this generally. It's not a gender issue. I am really getting tired of this male=predator/aggressor, female=victim/unaware scenario that's the mindset of a lot of people here, especially women. MANY women have wanted a no strings sex situation, and many men have gone along with it and gotten attached and ended up hurt.

This is the year 2007 for God's sake, please ladies - give your own gender more credit than that. A lot of us know what we're doing. We're discovering that we can have sex lives, and they don't necessarily have to be wrapped up in a fairytale ending. It can be separated, not because we've settled, but sometimes because we actually don't want all the drama that comes with a full relationship.

There are people for times when you're not into the whole enchilada, and there are people for when you are. Many times you just don't want to go without sex because you're not interested in something serious. When you are ready for a serious thing again, then you look elsewhere for it.
 finandfine
Joined: 9/1/2007
Msg: 97
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/5/2007 1:04:20 PM

Seeeeeee... told ya so!! lol it's all about the chase!!!


If only you were Closer to me, hell I'd love the chase with you

mabe mabe not; shire hell why not!

Arnold
ooxxo
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