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 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 1
Dating Separated PeoplePage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
The last man I dated was separated. His relationship with his ex puzzled me. While they did not live together, he would go on the occasional outing with her and their kids as a family. It seemed to me they could have divorced easily. I am wondering if it is normal for separated couples to come together and have family get togethers. What do you think?
 tornado1
Joined: 6/15/2005
Msg: 2
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Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/13/2007 12:37:49 AM
I think it's fairly common, if you ended the relationship as friends. I was married for a very long time and even though my son is now an adult, we still occasionally do things as a family and yes we spent Thanksgiving together. We've been separated for more than 5 years and there's not a chance in he!! that we will ever get back together, but we're still there for each other (I've even cried on his shoulder about boyfriends). It works for us!
 Temptation50
Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 3
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/13/2007 9:18:43 AM
Dating someone that's separated should'nt be a problem providing they did'nt separate the week before.......
As for hanging out as a family, maybe that's cool depending on how old the kids are.
I don't know why people stay in the ''separated'' status for years and years....
Get divorced and move on.......
 tornado1
Joined: 6/15/2005
Msg: 4
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Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/13/2007 9:39:04 AM
Get divorced and move on.......


Just because you haven't got divorced, doesn't mean you haven't moved on.......in my case, I simply always find something better to spend my $300 on! If I had a reason to get divorced, I would.......it's just a non-issue for me.


people should accept they made a bad choice in whom they chose to have kids with


Not always........my ex is a wonderful father, he's just a lousy husband lol!
 Temptation50
Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 5
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/13/2007 10:05:54 AM
I would'nt be be 3'd fiddle to an X??........2'nd to the kids of course.
As for giving the kids a sense of family, I took my kids everywhere from playland to the waterslides without the X........just good fun.
Why would hanging with an X give the kids more of a sense of family than one on one with just the kids??
I'd think doing things like that would confuse younger kids that you're not really split or there's hope for the relationship, Not good.
Kids can have a dad and mom that's totally involved in their lives, just not at the same time.
As for getting a divorce and moving on, why would anyone stay married to someone they split from with no chance of reconcile?
Using an excuse like money is lamo.
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 6
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/13/2007 1:03:15 PM
Your responses are interesting. The man I was dating who was separated had been separated for over 5 years, which made me wonder if he was ever going to divorce this woman. I thought he was giving his kids a sense of family and I had a lot of respect for that. However, Temptation, I see exactly what you are saying and think you are right when you say the kids can end up confused and with a sense of false hope.

I also don't know how long people normally separate for before getting divorced.
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 7
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/13/2007 2:22:18 PM
What was I thinking?
I was thinking and think that separated people are on the road to divorce if they are on this site. This brings up another question: In general, do people not date separated people?
 Temptation50
Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 8
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/14/2007 10:12:39 AM
^^^^^^^^What the hell are you talking about???
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 9
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/14/2007 2:26:20 PM
I have to argue with the rationale in some of these posts where it is being said that life is "all about the kids". In short, it isn't. At least, not in my view. If you're raising your children to be able to cope with the world today, the LAST thing you need to teach them is that the world revolves around them!! Our job as parents isn't to raise a bunch of narcissists who can't manage the real world and don't know how to experience disappointment, frustration or losses in this life. It isn't to "pretend" that Mom & Dad are still bound to one another so that they live in some pretend world bubbling with "reconciliation" fantasies about the possibility of Mom & Dan reconciling and life getting back to normal. Children learn what they see.. If their parents are still "getting together" or considering each other priorities over and above any new partner that comes into either parent's life, the children will be led to believe that there is an actual possibility of Mom and Dad reuniting.

While creating whole, healthy and stable adults in our children consists of some measure of sacrifice of our own happiness, it doesn't require us to continue to place "Mom" or "Dad" first... I think a lot of the time, people use their exes as a way to keep being able to wear their "comfortable old loafers" rather than having to try on "new shoes that pinch"...

We do our children NO favors by being unwilling to re-establish the boundaries that go with our new status as separated or divorced parents and we do them a great deal of harm when we let them believe for even ONE instant that we gave up our own right to happiness for them. A child saddled with having to watch their parent be lonely because of them, carries a heavy burden of guilt when they are trying to move on with their own lives...

And life is not "all about them"... Prepare them for the real world and not the one that they live in as "our children"...
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 10
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/14/2007 3:30:09 PM
Wind Dancer's answer is impressive. As the original poster, I was just trying to get a sense of how many people get together with their x's and spend time as a "family." I can see both sides to this discussion and that is an emotionally charged one. I understand exactly what Wind Dancer means by saddling children with guilt. If you make children believe you have sacrificed your entire life for them, they may take on a lot of guilt. I also think that our society is a little to child centered and this can lead to problems for children in latter life.

I am still wandering how long people stay separated before getting divorced. Do some people stay separated permantly/
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 11
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/22/2007 6:06:32 PM
My thread "fake profile" was deleted today. This was after Cascadian start a thread called "How to catch a POF liar or a Cheat. Cascadian advised users to use a strategy that the man I was dating used on me. He is also the separated person. It kind of back fired on him because he did not want to break up with me after he caught me, but I thought it was a good time to exit the relationship.

I am glad the fake profile thread was deleted because I took a lot of slams in it and received some really strange email.

I don't care if this thread is deleted either.
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 12
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/22/2007 7:09:35 PM
Cascadian - What are you talking about? I didn't complain about the thread. Even if I did go to the moderator, how would you know?

Are you referring to the thread you wrote last night about catching liars on POF? I wanted it to stay up, because I thought people would see you true colours.

I am glad my thread "Fake Profile" was deleted shortly after your thread was because a few people slammed me in it. A lot of people were supportive, saying H had trust problems and might be a stalker. I was grateful for that, too, but really who likes getting slammed in the name of truth. Cascadian, it is time to have a good look at yourself in the mirror and figure out your age, because you are coming across like a child.
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 13
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/22/2007 8:07:14 PM
LOL _ I didn't write some of that stuff like " Well that's good...."

I was nice to you in the emails because you were nice to me. In the forums, you slam me, but you are civil in your emials.

My motive is to defend myself, because you slammed me again and said that I did not want to know the truth. Before saying this, you were confused about the thread I was happy to see deleted, which was my own, not yours. I still believe that is good for you that your thread was deleted because you were headed for a slamming. If you feel it is a great loss, rewrite you thread using a different angle and don't be so smug about catching cheaters.
 * L *
Joined: 7/13/2007
Msg: 14
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Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/23/2007 11:45:54 AM
Cascadian & Xavery sitting in a tree
K.....I.......S.......S.....I......N........G




......you should get together!
 KevinJSM
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 15
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/23/2007 3:12:42 PM
I date separated women, Cascadian. I accept the terrain I am walking in to. I chose it.

You say that "anyone who isn't divorced is still married."

Yes, this is true. Technically.

As I understand it as someone who has never married, divorce is complicated and expensive. It is also by definition confrontational. Have you given any thought to the idea that married-but-separated people may harbor a lingering friendship with their formers mates, and possible co-parents? After all, they married for a reason. Maybe they thought that a formal divorce might place stress on their kids. Or whatever. And isn't this a good thing? Doesn't this indicate a good heart?

I really like what Thumper and OutInLeftField have to say about this issue. It gives me hope that the woman I find who accepts me as I am and who maybe can love me will understand that I also accept her significant past. Kids. Ex spouses. Dates and time spent with these major people in her life.

At the same time, I have to admit that one has to deal with the painful issue of divided loyalties.

I naturally want to find a woman who is totally, amazingly in love with me and me only. But because I also prefer women who are older than I am, I must accept that it is inevitable that I find older, deeper loves lurking in her heart.

But this is just the lay of the land, Cascadian. Just the real stage and drama of human affairs.
 KevinJSM
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 16
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/23/2007 4:10:11 PM
Reading further I see Cudly Dudly making real sense.

It is just the right perspective on a hurting and stressful problem for those of us who confront it.

J
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 17
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/23/2007 8:00:51 PM
KevinJSM - Thanks for taking the question seriously and giving it a lot of thought. It was intended as a serious question, but Cascadian - once again - hijacked a thread and almost took it into a downward spiral.

I guess my question is why some people don't just get a divorce when the logistics are simple. I think even though they may no longer love their spouse there must be some kind of strong emotional attachment.
 * L *
Joined: 7/13/2007
Msg: 18
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Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/24/2007 12:38:18 PM
^^^^^^
If someone gets along with their X....then why are they seperated?...sheesh
(for better or worse ? doh ? )

runs away.....quick
 BonnieB
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 19
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Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/24/2007 12:45:52 PM
What do you think?


I think...

.. that being separated vs being divorced has no bearing on whether or not people "go on the occasional outing with her and their kids as a family"


B.
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 20
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/24/2007 7:28:33 PM
Mountain Lion - What are you talking about? I don't delete my posts period. As for changing my mind, I would just tell people. You are allowed to change your mind you know. I am not saying their is anything wrong with separated people. In fact, I think people are free to choose whatever they want.

Metempsychosis - One of my close relatives legally separated and divorced after one year. It was very simple. Because I know that divorce is very simple in BC, I wonder why some people don't choose it.
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 21
Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/24/2007 7:43:17 PM
Mountain Lion - I am going to try an entire new tactic. Your posts have made me angry. Because I ask a few questions about separated people, you assume I am judging them. Actually, I am trying to formulate an opinion. I am finding that some people in this forum are becoming defensive.

I understand about the child thing. I also understand that one can become friends with their X. I guess what I am trying to figure out is why some people don't seem to be either in or out of their married relationship. I understand the financial aspect. All of this being said, do some people stay half in and half out of bad relationships because they are afraid? (Just a question - not a judgement.)

PS - However, Mountain Lion, we all have rights to our opinions - our thoughts. You judged that I was judging, which is your opinion - only your opinion - but yours.
 tornado1
Joined: 6/15/2005
Msg: 22
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Dating Separated People
Posted: 10/25/2007 12:16:08 AM

If someone gets along with their X....then why are they seperated?...sheesh
(for better or worse ? doh ? )


Sometimes when you marry young, you grow apart as you grow up and the romantic love simply dies. For better or worse, hmmm........walk a mile in my shoes before you judge. Everyone has their own stories.

I was married for 27 years, but the last 12 years, we were more like brother and sister, than husband and wife. It wasn't my choice to live like that and eventually, I accepted the fact, that the relationship was never going to change and the only way I could save myself, was to walk away. It wasn't about cheating or abuse, but there are other ways to feel like you are dying a slow death! We still care about each other very much, he's family to me. And yes, we get along well, but for short periods of time only, kinda like a brother who you love, but don't always like.
 ~JaneSays~
Joined: 5/6/2009
Msg: 23
Dating Separated People
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:39:26 PM
I feel for you, OP. I understand what you are getting at. Separated. I think OP you were asking why this man just does not get a divorce. I bet you he is still married to her or should I say separated.
 butterfly unique
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 24
Dating Separated People
Posted: 6/20/2009 7:27:46 AM
It depends how long they have been separated. I think everyone needs some time to be single and deal emotionally with a separation before they can really be healthy in a relationship.

Deciding not to date separated people because someone cheated on you that was separated is silly IMO. If they are cheaters they are cheaters if not with their ex than it would have been with someone else.

In my situation my ex refuses to give me a divorce and it is low on my priorities to push it right now as there is noone in my life that serious that it would matter.
 zapped
Joined: 12/19/2008
Msg: 25
Dating Separated People
Posted: 6/20/2009 9:31:34 AM
its my preferrence NOT to date a separated man--I dont care if he was separated yesterday, today ,on the way , or decades ago.
In my belief--he still married no matter what the law says----he is still married to me.
I dont want to be with a married man- again to each its own choice, to each its own beliefs and well,your acceptance to be with that separated person.
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