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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?      Home login  
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 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 1
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What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
For the first time in my life I've decided to date a few guys at once (rather than just one) I guess mainly because I've been screwed over so many times my logic is why should I continue to waste time dedicating my dating time to only one guy when I could be checking out a few....

Essentially I was seeing C more regularly, G once in a while, met B once and D wants to go on a date with me.
Anyway I've been getting to the point where I've been really taking a liking to C and was getting ready to tell the other guys sorry but I'm with someone and now this weekend I have good reason to believe he's sleeping with another girl as well as myself. :(

In many ways I feel like a hypocrite because I have been dating other guys so why can't he date other girls?
I guess a talk is required...that's bound to be the feedback a lot of people will give but this morning I feel a bit grossed out and wonder if I could even meet him again and keep that lovely feeling that was growing inside...

Just wondering people's thoughts, opinions and experiences on a situation like this...whilst I have had numerous bad experiences with partners cheating on me which makes me very very sceptical now towards love, I think this is a first for me where I've had to face the cold reality of a guy I'm getting into sleeping with another girl....
 genegem
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 3
What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 10/21/2007 4:11:48 AM
Definitely a sticky one ...


In many ways I feel like a hypocrite because I have been dating other guys so why can't he date other girls?
I guess a talk is required...that's bound to be the feedback a lot of people will give but this morning I feel a bit grossed out and wonder if I could even meet him again and keep that lovely feeling that was growing inside...


involving sex without first having that "fidelity commitment" agreed is hazardous to more
than just your physical health it invites emotional traumas. Your feelings are answering
your question re current r/s that you're not likely to be happy resuming so accept the
lesson, move on and don't repeat it. Better to abstain than compromise your values.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 4
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What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 10/21/2007 8:45:16 AM
Ummmmm.....

Just remember... who ever he is sleeping with... you are too.... so whatever risks he is taking sexually... you are taking with him... and whatever you are doing sexually... he is doing too...

more than one partner at a time puts everyone in a risk category.... not a very good idea...

sex should wait until both parties involved are exclusive....
 randomstoic
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 5
What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 10/21/2007 10:38:01 AM
The moment sex and dating coincide, you should commit unless things are "open." And security and commitment are always better than divided feelings.
 genegem
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 6
What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 10/21/2007 11:01:42 AM
Bit of a sexist statement ...sunycorner


Well we all know that men hate "the talk". Last thing he wants and usually
for the man you can tell by his actions.


There are plenty of women with commitment-phobia out there.

The point is at what stage does sex enter the equation ... after one or two
dates when the couple hardly know each other or after a reasonable period
of togetherness ... how long does it take to make and drink an instant coffee?
Relationships treated the same way litter the benches of life with dirty cups.
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 7
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What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 10/25/2007 1:29:25 AM
Well now I'm not 100% sure whether I was right or not...see I received some messages 2 or 3 days after meeting him last at 3am saying something along the lines of "Did you get your arse out of bed yet, wish I could have stayed in it with you"...so of course I assumed he must have stayed with a girl friday night and sent the text meant for her to me by accident...also because on his screensaver he has a pic of a girl from pof (the pof logo is underneath) and he has told me he's had no girlfriends in the last years...well obviously this girl at some point was at least close....

He was asking me to call over sunday but I was busy...I tried to joke/ask a bit about the text I had received from him but he didnt react to that bit..I mention how my mum thinks I have a boyfriend (mum's just know everything don't they) and there were a few texts back and forth about that. We agreed to meet tuesday and I got a text saying something has come up this week so we won't be able to meet....

Really really really wanting advice on this one now...now I'm baffled...I had a feeling from him that he was just going easy coz he thought that was what I wanted but would like to make it a bit more serious as he had hinted towards if we were dating....

Btw some good points from all of you and regarding that last point about finding someone who will commit from the get go: 1- I don;'t exactly want to commit from the get go right now (ie assuming C is out of the picture) until I know a bit about the guy but that doens't meant I will cheat on them whatsoever if I decide we're compatible. 2- I've enough men commit to m from the get go who turn out to be sly back stabbing cheaters so...

really looking forward to your responses.

Thanks
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 8
What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 10/25/2007 1:56:09 PM
Did you at any point had the "exclusive" talk. If the answer is no, then all is fair game. But if you are ready to have the talk, see where it goes.
 MDNinja
Joined: 1/9/2005
Msg: 9
What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 10/25/2007 10:17:38 PM
You Reape what you sew. If you want a monogamous relationship with the guy, then go for it. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of polyandry, then go back to dating just one guy at a time. There is nothing wrong with that. You say you have been screwed over a lot? How about changing the way you think about that. Now you are wiser and have learned more lessons. Getting screwed over is an inevitable part of the path to happiness and success.
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 10
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What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 10/26/2007 12:14:07 PM
Bah ...text is easy to misinterpret and not as good a tool as verbal communication preferably face to face.
I went on 2 or 3 dates with G who was lovely but the communication sort of trailed of for 2 months -to this day he contacts me sporadically saying he'll call. He's a lovely guy but I've no interest in a boyfriend I can only see once a month max. The last time I saw G was about 6 weeks ago. Writing this post I should have said "I would more than happily tell G and anyone else bye bye in order to get commitment with C.

C I met after the 2nd or 3rd date with G. We were talking on POF. I told him honestly about G. We agreed to meet as friends. We had a lovely chat though he bought me a number of glasses of alcohol resulting in me agreeing to go back to his after for coffee....one thing led to another eventually, or maybe not so eventually he had my clothes off...

I wasn't happy with my actions and expected at this point to be taken "as an easy lay" -it's so easy for men and women interestingly enough to be so judgemental on that one, whilst less is said about the guys who go bed hopping. Anyway we all know about that by now. C'est la vie. Just to point out I am not a player or bed hopper or whatever by standards/by nature.

Anyway things with C actually developed, he continued to text me and contact me and dropped some hints about us dating which is why I arrived at a conclusion that I would like to drop G and go for him as he too is lovely, killer smile and we get on well and I'm a fan of a steady boyfriend rather being all over the place.

I wouldn't describe myself as bitter at all, I am a very happy go lucky person who takes the blows in life, feels the pain and then picks herself back up. However I am definately feeling disillusioned and there's a growing sceptism within...there's a voice that tells me it'll go wrong again...and to date I only continue to be proven on this point :(

C has now blanked me for an entire week since his message of "sorry to dissapoint you but something has come up this week so we won't be able to meet". Haven't had any response to any messages so no clue what's happening there. G continues to contact me sparingly. A guy I dated some months back went completely loo la on me and ended up more or less threatening me in a bar!

I'm open to dating more guys not because of being bitter rather because why waste 2-4 months with someone only to be proven yet again when I can check the menu and decide?

Greateful for your thoughts and tips...still baffled and feeling down by C...I'd love to meet one good guy whom I can love who loves me back for me....

Advice appreciated
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 11
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What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 10/27/2007 5:18:17 AM
Many thanks for your response..just to clarify:
1*I do not feel I have to commit to C just because I slept with him.
2*I'm not attracted to a guy I think is cheating on me.
3*I'm not attracted to a guy who is treating me badly.
4*I know a killer smile does not make someone a good person..it was a nice feature I was describing about him.

I was getting to the point where I was willing to go steady with C and drop anyone else because well primarily whilst C and G are both lovely, fantastic,funny guys that I can talk really well with...as it so happened C was the one who continued to contact me whilst G contacts me sporadically.

I suddenly became a bit suspicious about 1.5 weeks ago when first I saw a photo of a girl from pof on his computer. I decided to let it go as we're not serious (yet) and it could be a girl from the past...ie he could have a fir explanation. Then I got that text that seemed to be saying he wanted to get back in bed with another girl last weekend (2 or 3 days after being with me). However in the meantime it transpired that my phone is acting up and I'm getting delayed messages to my phone!

I had already sent him a message about that text half joking half serious trying to see was he sleeping with another girl. A few messages went back and he said we'd talk about our dating situation when we met. Then the message last tuesday that something had come up so now I haven't heard from him since....

Now I am tempted to send a message telling him I'm assuming that for whatever reason he's not interested anymore but that I'd appreciate a reason even if harsh as I can learn from that but I HATE not knowing why.
I still ponder about a guy I dated for 2 mths back in 2005 who had a lame excuse and left me baffled as to what actually happened...I think he started seeing another girl :(

What do you guys think?
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 12
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What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 10/27/2007 7:54:26 AM
People can get rather harsh and critical in these forums...fair enough I asked for advice and I'm interested in people's opinions.

I don't equate sex with dating and vice versa...I knw they're 2 differenct things, apologies if it seemed like I meant they were one and the same..however obvously they go hand in hadn to a certain extent for most people in so far as most people will sleep with their boyfriend or girlfriend.....the grey area is when and under what circumstances..it is this which people are most devided over in terms of opinion.

However, I think it's also fair to say that most people or women at least somewhat assume a certain level of commitment or level of the relationship when they've slept with someone...I don't meant that I sleep with a guy and assume he must commit to me..but the relationship has gone a bit further..anyway...

Good point Arlo about disguising a question as a joke. I knew that would come up and bite me in the behind. As a person I tend to heavily favour being direct, honest as well as easy to talk to. For this reason I will sometimes try to ask a question in a lighthearted fashion. So i tried to ask him more or less directly about the message I received in a light enough way that I wouldn't seem bossy/mean/controlling whatever...

He never reacted to that part and in terms of the status of our relationship said we'd talk it over when we saw each other...asked to meet sunday, I couldn't, then asked for tuesday and on tuesday said something had come up this week and he can't meet.....So you believe (as I am beginning to suspect) that he has gone for the dissapearing trick?

I'm getting plenty of criticism here with people calling me various names including telling me to grow up but in my opinion anyone who plays tactics like vanishing tricks is the childish one rather than just say it straight out. And here was I thinking one of his great attributes was that he was so direct?

To answer the question on everybody's lips LOL!- A I married and eventually left when our marriage broke down due to communication problems, him being controlling and the fact that he cheated on me and B I left in April as soon as I found out he'd slept with another girl on a business trip a week previous. Again we had other odd relationship issues also at play so it was the final straw.

I'm sure ye have realised as many commented on me dating the letters of the alphabet which gave me a giggle but I don't want to state their full names and perhaps the scientist side of me is making it sound like a mathematical equation?

Any advice on how to avoid such situations?
I'm thinking to make a start by dating a couple of guys briefly, not tell them about the others or they'll get the wrong impression (wrong and childish as this might seem), and when I've eventually chosen one guy I think can commit then maybe stuff can happen in the bedroom.

Bear in mind..this is the first time I've encountered such a situation!

As before your Advice is appreciated!
 becca210
Joined: 7/26/2006
Msg: 13
What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 10/27/2007 10:22:05 AM
Wow...opened a can of worms...did we? It will be ok....gives you lots to think about.
I totally agree with SANDE earlier...until you have had the talk and made some sort of
commitment..no one is cheating.
I commented in a recent thread regarding "What defines a date?" Every person has
their own definition. When and with whom you involve intimacy in that date....is again a personal choice. I've dated many people that never had a sexual issue...it was more a deep friendship. But when I block out my time....to go out with a gentleman...it is a date.
Probably the biggest thing we learn from all these forums is to think out things before we
go into action....because we have to live with it...someone is always judging us...even if
we are judging ourselves.
Becca
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 14
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What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 11/1/2007 11:16:18 AM
Further points to clarify:
*Whilst I wasn't falling head over heels, I was into him. I have what I call a shield which is up when I meet new guys...I cried I think the night of my last post as a result of all this! I was just starting to let my guard down and I think I enjoyed his company even more than I realised but I tend to be very positive natured so I had sent him a few messages over time with compliments in them...
*Somplace-re commiting what I meant was simply I didn't feel a need to commit just because I had sex with him. I was wanting to get an exclusive dating situation going because I liked him enough...
*Akastar -I do see what you're saying but a-I'm not angry but yes a little disillusioned. You seem to be implying I have too many issues/too big an issue at the moment to be getting into a relationship. Fair point however I believe we all have our baggage, issues and so forth...all in all I'm doing rather well thanks :)
B-I most definately respect myself. I'm an experimenter, investigator and adventuror in life. With that comes the fact that I try different approraches. Since the summer I took on an approach of seeing what would happen if I dated a few guys at once and I am at the point where I can see many reasons why it's not for me and I would just be happy now to find one good guy I can be with.
*Lastly -considering the guys I go out with is something I've been trying to do since my ex husband..I've been even trying to conciously choose different types of men but it still hasn't worked entirely or if I go for a different type I go from my controlling ex husband some years back to a needy psycho! It's very easy to tell someone to consider who you're choosing. I've been doing that for years and stil haven't gotten it right. Each time I logically walk myself through some thoughts of why this person is good or bad for me...my last ex seemed absolutely perfect. I was bowled over. What I never saw coming during our initially months of conversations that lasted hours on end, great intimacy and cuddles, consideration, talks about the harms of drugs was to end up with an ex who was a couch potato who smoked pot daily, declined intmacy, had a temper, came out with verbal abuse and eventually cheated on me!
If anyone has the key to that one or even an inkling of a clue please do tell me!! :


 lovelace23
Joined: 11/1/2007
Msg: 15
What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 11/9/2007 11:42:03 PM
I pray to God it never happens.But if it does though i pray not,i will sit her down discuss it with her and give her the opportunity to choose and decide what she wants .She can go ahead with him if she choose him so that i look for someone else.The best love is the love with freedom.IF YOU LOVE A THING SET IT FREE,IF IT'S YOURS IT WILL COME BACK IF IT DOESN'T THEN IT NEVER WAS.A relationship is all about patience,love and understanding.There's no point fighting or something.TO EVERYONE ONE THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE. and WHEN ONE DOOR IS CLOSED MANY MORE ARE OPENED JUST LOOK FOR THOSE OPENED DOORS AND NOT CONSTANTLY LOOK AT THE CLOSED DOOR.Everything has always happened for a reason in life this has always made one not to regret about the past.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 16
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What do you do if your date is sleeping with someone else?
Posted: 11/10/2007 2:10:57 AM
I used to have a friend whose mobile phone was constantly bleeping and her comments were: ahhh ... that's just another potential date. Yes, she was zoooming to & fro ... trying to find the right one. I don't know the nitty-gritty business of her trotting but two years on, is she in a solid relationship? Nope; I suppose " " is going on.
But hey, whatever 'floats one's boat'.

Well, if a man cannot focus on one person, and I know that 24 hours to a day is not enough to cover areas and topics of interest, then let him carry on . Do bargain hunters return with a bargain? Seldom. I know that you find the gem when you least expect it.
But that's just me.
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