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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 genegem
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 11
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Obviously posing a question like that will get you
a multitude of responses from "judge and jury" but
it's YOUR LIFE and YOUR FEELINGS and YOUR NEEDS
and more importantly YOUR BUSINESS!!!

If you and "M" are comfortable with your regular
get togethers why should it be wrong ... far better
than you both doing the same thing with a different
partner every week.

You live your life YOUR WAY
and stuff what anyone else might say.

Be true to yourself
Be happy
Stay Safe.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 12
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/21/2007 9:28:46 PM

The thing I see that isn't working here (and it's a BIG one), is that you've been sleeping with this guy for a year and a half...so it's safe to assume that you haven't found love in all that time. The big question is, how much energy are you REALLY putting into finding true love when you've got "Michael" to fall back on? Part of what makes us WANT something is NOT HAVING it. Your emotional energy is fragmented right now because you have a safe zone.


So well said. Life is a vacuum. Where there's an empty space it gets filled, when it's filled even though is garbage, or something that satisfies only one need, it leaves everything else empty. Why, it is being filled by this thing.

Now, I am not going to say bad bad, you are having a sexual relationship with someone. Good for you. But remember that it is regardless of what he calls it, or you call it a RELATIONSHIP. It can not be whipped out. It's there.

Now the question is this, why did you post? If you were totally happy it would be absurd to bring your vulnerability to the sharks (us at the forums) unless there was something you were looking for. So what are you looking for in terms of an answer? If you just want to get your friends of your back, well, fvck them. It's your business, but if there are other issues here. More to do with your emotional being, and I think this is what we are really talking about, you need to open up.
 smartazzjohn
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 14
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/21/2007 9:29:43 PM
OP what you do is your business. I don't think having a sex parntner is wrong and what two adults do is between them, unless he is married or has a g/f. You say he's not your friend, you aren't dating, and you get together a couple of times a week for sex. You are right he isn't your b/f. To me this seems like casual sex and/or a booty call. If its what works for you then go for it.
Then I read your profile and its says "I am a single woman, whom like many others is looking for something solid, I am not into game playing, not into casual flings"
I think you need to make up your mind about what you want and what you are into. I'm not trying to be mean, but what you say in your profile is the exact opposite of what you are doing.
 smartazzjohn
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 17
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/21/2007 9:52:46 PM
Irish....... you need to decide what you want, if its casual sex then fine. If you want to find love with a guy you need to give up doing the casual thing. Guys looking to get serious aren't looking for a woman thats doing that. It doesn't matter that you aren't sleeping around. What does matter is the image you are giving, and that is that you are willing to be a booty call or have sex with someone you don't even consider to be a friend. Put the shoe on the other foot and think about how it would look to you. How would you feel if you started seeing someone and felt that if it didn't work out he would just go back to his booty call. You might think he isn't going put the effort into a relationship if he has someone on the back burner.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 18
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/21/2007 10:11:33 PM

What does matter is the image you are giving, and that is that you are willing to be a booty call or have sex with someone you don't even consider to be a friend.

,

I wouldn't even worry about the image. Fvck image. It's what you feel inside. And when you talk about yourself you can honestly say about yourself.

I hate to say this, but sex is not about sex. Sex is intimacy. It's the ultimate form of trust, when you reduce it to the equivalent of just smoking a cigarette, well, eventually it catches up with you. The need to have emotions during is very important.

You may be enjoying what you got with this guy, but the problem is that eventually one or the other will expand in their feelings and emotions, wanting more, while the other one, wants to keep it the same, thus one person is going to hurt a lot.

So think about it girl. Do what's best for you.
 smartazzjohn
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 20
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/21/2007 10:57:49 PM
outmind.............. she doesn't want that guy she is sleeping with, can't you read? She says they aren't even friends and they have been doing this for 1 1/2 years. If their feeling and emotions were going to expand it would have happened by now. Some people can seperate sex and emotions, they have obviously.

Image is important. Initially the image you give, which should be true to the person you are, is how you attract someone and how someone determines if they are interested in you for what ever the reason may be. If she wants to attract someone interested in a serious relationship then she has to show that that is the type of relationship she truly wants. Having casual sex or having a sex partner doesn't show that.


You are right that she does need to think about what she's doing and do whats best for her. She says she doesn't want to have what she has now.
 toronto_kennedy
Joined: 2/10/2006
Msg: 23
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 2:12:48 AM
No i think if need sexaul release and have someone that yuo like to have sex
with and they you that's good for both of you.
As i say looking for the one want to share you life is hard ,
But untill you find the one might as well have some fun.
No reason not to enjoy yourself while you look.
 nipoleon
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 26
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 2:32:22 AM
Some people join a bowling league, some people play pool, some people join a softball team.
Some people fly model airplanes or build model trains in their basement.
Some people do gardening, or collect stamps.

Exactly how can a guy get started in this sort of hobby ?
 Becky_LaF
Joined: 2/23/2005
Msg: 28
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 10:40:07 AM
Gawd this is just wrong, you guys, sploppy seconds palease.^^^ She can be emotionally ready for the RIGHT relationship, but in the mean time a girl needs d*ck from time to time.

Oh I forgot men never have casual sex, and only hold out for the one woman they might think is "the one". yah right

I think part of the OP's problem is, she should be keeping her casual fun private. OP, I can tell you right now, there is many many woman who have or had the same set up that you have right now. Looking for the Mister Right, but having needs, and keeping someone on the side for the time being.

Nothing wrong with that in my opinion. But with society the way it is, and we all know how most men and people in general react to this. Best to keep it to your self.

But if you do find "the right one" he will understand.

so maybe you can use it as a weeding tool, tell them, and see who sticks around. *shrugs*
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 30
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 10:58:41 AM

outmind.............. she doesn't want that guy she is sleeping with, can't you read? She says they aren't even friends and they have been doing this for 1 1/2 years. If their feeling and emotions were going to expand it would have happened by now. Some people can seperate sex and emotions, they have obviously.


Yeah I can read. But I can also read between the lines and you can say you are not friends and have sex for one and a half year and I can say that is simply bull. You have to have some degree of emotions for the person. Even in the exchange of hello, how was your day, okay lets take our clothes off, there is an emotional exchange.

Also I don't believe you can separate emotions from sex, maybe one time or two, but after a while something evolved either towards the person or away from the person.
 Lane212
Joined: 2/17/2006
Msg: 31
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 11:54:54 AM
i do wish i could find a sex partner like you. There seems to be none in my area.
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 42
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:04:06 PM
Why do people post questions on here looking for others opinions on what they are doing, thinking or feeling? If you are doing, thinking or feeling something then no one can tell you if it's wrong or right. Only YOU can do that.

Are you comfortable with your decisions? If you are questioning yourself what does that say to you?

Good luck
 CrackedHalo
Joined: 11/7/2005
Msg: 49
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:18:41 PM
Irish.......its your life, if that works for you.....u go for it!! We all have needs and if yours are being met in a way that is ok for you then that is all that matters. Just ignore all of the negative comments as long as you can let go of "M" when a keeper comes along, I see no problem with what you are doing. There are many doing that and much worse I am sure.
 JWA
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 50
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:40:03 PM
There are two schools of thought here OP and you only want to hear that it's okay and we're all behind you 100%---sorry that hasn't happened and it won't---not by those who do think about those we are dating or about to begin such a relationship with........

So far you've "dated" two other guys with one of them breaking your heart which sent you running back to Michael. I've seen this very same sort of thing before where someone has a defacto significant other that they're sleeping with on a semi-regular basis. At each little bump in the road they're heading right back to that person for comfort or understanding they're not getting elsewhere. Instead of working through whatever with the outside person it's easier to take the beaten path and dismiss the unfortunate dating life as just not the right guy---not that time, maybe next time though?

The truth is you're not fully committed to anything at this point---Micheal or the trying to find one man for yourself. You have the enviable position of having a satisfying on-going relationship and being able to dabble with other people all the while knowing when it doesn't work out you have a fall back guy. With that safety net you don't NEED anything more than you have now. I myself simply wouldn't even attempt to date someone already involved with another----whether you want to admit it or not or even realize it you're involvement with Michael is probably the very reason you've not yet found anyone.

There's not a thing wrong with your hooking up for the sex but trying to date is not being honest with yourself or those you try to date. Most guys will see this for what it is----18 months says a lot---and they'll know your mind and heart really are some where else. Knowing your fall back guy is there keeps you distant and makes it so very easy to bolt at the first sign of something you don't care for, no matter how small or insignificant. You can afford to be ultra particular since you're really not single and not really looking, you're just playing around until something "better" comes along.

You're mind and attentions are too divided---not a way to get a decent guy!
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 55
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 9:57:28 PM
I expect to get slammed for this..or maybe called too old fashioned...while I understand that women also have sexual needs..what is the rationale that because they have needs they have to be acted on. I miss sexual intimacy when I don't have it, a lot. But, I guess it's never so overwhelming that I have to find just anyone to have sex with. Sure, it has some discomforting feelings, sure I am sometimes tempted. But, it just doesn't drive me to act on that need alone.

OP: I have to go with the people who are saying: it isn't that you have a sex partner, it's that you are obviously conflicted about one or the other. You can't have both. Either you just want sex, or you want a whole relationship. And though some men think these kind of things are just great, they would be in the same category as Michael...not looking for a serious relationship. I'd venture to guess that most, if not all, men who are looking for a long term relationship, would not be ok with you having your FB. Most men who think its ok, are looking for the same thing. You have to make up your mind. Which do you want?
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 57
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 10:06:15 PM
OP is an abbreviation for the "original poster"...the person who started the thread...
 smartazzjohn
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 58
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 10:33:51 PM
bikerman .......she never said she wanted to continue seeing michael once she found a man she wanted to have a serious relationship with. She didn't say she was into swinging, in fact she has said quite the opposite, and while I don't think she on the right path to find the type of man she wants she isn't what you are trying to make her out to be. I agree that the type of man she wants may shy away knowing what she is doing, or even that she has done it in the past. She is right though, she isn't cheating. In fact she is being monogamous, just not in a commited relationship. I'm sure if whe wanted to have multiple parners she could be doing that now with no problem. Kind of throws the "swinger" theory right out the window.
Irish I said before what you do is your business. Remember what I said about image? There is more than enough proof here that it is impotant. I have given you my opinion for what its worth but I'm not judging you and I don't think what you are doing is wrong. There is something else I want to say though. We all have desires, we all have need and we all have wants. Sex isn't a need, its a want and a desire. I still think to get the type of guy you want you need to decide what you want and desire more.
 Randominternetguy
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 59
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 1:35:18 AM
irish girl in mi, are you a masochist? You've got some big ovaries starting this thread!

I'm of the opinion if you meet a right guy, he will accept you as you are, appreciate your honesty and look towards the future, not want to judge the past. If you run across someone with the opinions like vegastout, it's safe to say you are not compatable with guys like him and move on.

I really do believe you need to evaluate how you would feel meeting a guy in the same situation. I mean, after meeting a guy and explaining your situation, if he said, "Well that's great, I have a woman I do the same thing with.", how would you feel? How about if he said he was going to continue to have sex with her till you two were exclusive? If you honestly don't believe that would bother you, then what's to worry about?

I would think a lot of guys could not accept that, even if they were doing exactly the same thing. I think another way of thinking would be like Arugula posted (and I'm paraphrasing); What happened before me is not really my business, but what's happening since me is. In this case, my question would be, could you give up having sex with someone you cared about on a moment's notice?

There will be some guys who believe what you are doing is wrong, and will want nothing to do with you.

If what you are really looking for people to not be judgemental, I would have to ask "How's that working for you?" I've found there's no lack of people who will give you their view of right and wrong, and are not interested in dissent. I typically don't get along with those types. I do better with people willing to tell me what they believe and willing to listen to what I have to say.

I always get back to I can't change others, the best I can do is change myself. I limit my contact with people I don't like, and admittedly tend not to value their opinions. It doesn't mean their opinion is wrong, just I have no value for it.

To sum up, when you say, "Is that wrong", it depends on who you ask. I believe the best way to answer that for yourself is to reverse roles, and ask the same question.

Bob
 JWA
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 64
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 4:28:01 AM

wow....do you people even read what is written, or do you read the stuff people post afterwards....I do want a solid relationship, I do want to be in love, I have never cheated in a relationship, or had more than one partner at a time, but RIGHT NOW, I am very much single and guess what I sit home alone every night almost, I do have an occassional itch, and I do have ONE partner right now that I have the occassional moment with....not random partners, and not multiple partners, just ONE...I am 39 years old and very self supportive, but there are a few things that a woman needs from a man now and then...dont turn it into more than it is, or make me out to be something I am not....my advice to all you uptight lonely people....go find one for yourselves and relax a little....maybe your still single because your so judgemental...hmmmm ponder that one for a minute.


Well you’re encountering people who have vastly different opinions about your arrangement and if you can’t take it then don’t post your personal life in an open forum. Unless this is your first post you know how replies often don’t agree with or congratulate your actions. What you’ve received so far are opinions and thoughts that seem judgmental to you mainly because you’re not getting a lot of “you go girl..........” replies. Like it or not some have tried to help or at least provide another view of your little dilemma here but no matter how it’s presented you don’t want to hear it.

Your original post was thrown out to everyone and it seemed to ask if anyone else was experiencing your same situation---trying to find true love while having “just a sex partner”. Even if you dismiss the name callers who assume you’re committing a crime worse than murder there is some valuable thoughts expressed here. The one thought that most closely addresses your question is that whether you will admit it or not the fact you’re still involved with Michael after 18 months is and will continue to be a problem for some guys. Any guy who tells you it’s okay to date and have a sex partner on the side is either involved with someone in a similar situation or doesn’t care what you do because he’s not all that concern about you in the “true love” way.

You’ve also been described as rationalizing your sex only partner as dealing with your womanly needs and wants which means you’re defending your position in a way it seems you really did NOT want any real impressions or discussion about this. We don’t care if you do or do not find anyone or if you continue with Michael—YOU began this, we’re only sharing opinions and thoughts with you. You can call us judgmental which isn’t all wrong but what were you REALLY hoping to read here about this?

One over sight you’re making is the very guys you are trying to date seem to think you already have a boyfriend even though you think you don’t. Do you not realize how they view you is probably the reason YOU are still single? If there was nothing wrong with your arrangement IN THEIR EYES you wouldn’t be ridiculed about this---did THAT ever occur to you?

Once again I’ll agree you’re completely free to do as you damn well please, screw those of us who are uptight and lonely and only out to diss you. Its YOUR life and this is your post----we’re only commenting here, we didn’t know it was your way or no way!

One day you’ll find yourself in a situations reversed deal and suddenly this will all make more sense to you---but then again perhaps not. We’re all very capable of fooling ourselves, sometimes for years at a time, some even for their whole life-----you’re headed in one of those directions now.

Also, keep THIS in mind:

Real me says:


To those who say that your relationship with Michael will prevent you from finding the love you want with someone else I can only admonish them to speak for themselves.


Maybe some of us have indeed been there, done that and are only offering our advice based upon experience----on either side. If this is NOT true why haven’t you been able to convince these guys judging or ridiculing you its not that big a deal???

Now, YOU ponder THAT Ms StillSingleButHaveMichaelAnyway!
 gonzofanmel
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 65
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 6:44:00 AM
OP,

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. I had the same situation myself in my early 20's. When I finally did settle into a relationship with someone else, I had no problem whatsoever with being faithful and monogamous to him.
I think there's a double standard when it comes to this kind of thing---if you were a guy, I have a feeling that a lot of people wouldn't have as big a problem with it. But since you're a girl, most of the people will label you negatively or look down on you.
You're just honest about who you are and what you are doing right now. I don't get the feeling that you're saying that this is the best or the most ideal situation, but it works for you, and it isn't anyone else's place to judge.


I do have to warn you, though--this kind of situation does leave you empty after a while, which is exactly why I don't do it anymore. But I never look down on those who do. As long as no one gets hurt, and you are careful about your health and safety.
 colohandyman
Joined: 9/4/2007
Msg: 67
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 7:02:51 AM
Irish girl,
having s ex partner is not worng or right. It's how you feel about it. The only person that you have to satifsy if you. Your morals, your body. Don't worry about the other people. Just take are of yourself and if you come my way, then we could talk. Have a great life.
 Libragirlie62
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 78
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 10:56:37 AM
Hi there,
I just had to write you hon. I have been in a similar relationship myself for over a year now. When i first met him thats all i wanted. I actually am quite surprised one of you hasn't developed feelings for the other one. This has happened in my relationship just recently. To my dissapointment, he doesn't feel the same way about me, he cares for me, but it isnt love. This is what happens when u have a one night stand that lasts a year, especially with the same man. I bet if you are to examine your feelings very closely, you might find there might be more there, than you think. Again i'm not saying there is, but there just might be. If this is the case, get out as far and as fast as your feet will carry you, lol....It isn't going to be pretty!
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 89
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 2:17:13 PM
Look at it from a man's perspective, irish girl in mi. There are 3 possibilities that I can see:
1) That you have been sleeping with a man that you are not attracted to for 3 YEARS!
2) That you have been sleeping with a man that you are attracted to for 3 years and have not developed any feelings for him.
3) That you have a boyfriend, possibly one that does not want more than sex, that you are looking for someone "better", and are being "economical with the truth".
Out of these 3 options which 2 do you think most women claimed they would never do, and which one do you think most men experienced the most?
1) Have sex with a man who she was not attracted to.
2) Had sex regularly with a man that she was attracted to, for a long time w/out developing any feelings.
3) Was looking for someone "better" and was being economical with the truth.
I think you know the answer.

Most men would be more interested in a woman who had the self-control to wait. Women can masturbate in the meantime, if they lacked self-control. It could suggest to men that if an issue in the relationship developed, and that the woman was not comfortable with sleeping with the man at that point, that she would not be able to control herself from having sex. So many women claim they can get sex any time they want, and they get offers daily, a man could worry that in such a situation, the woman would find someone else to have sex with. Since many men have experienced a point in their relationships where they and their partner were not having sex, you can see how it would worry them.

This is not limited to women. Men get accused of equal issues.
 BKLYNBOY1
Joined: 6/30/2005
Msg: 104
he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/24/2007 2:54:01 PM
no it is perfectably acceptable i wish i could meet someone with your mind set al
 nocalsingledad
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 114
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he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 12/13/2007 1:57:59 PM

Is there anyone else out there who wants to find true love but is being ridiculed for having just a sex partner?


In my opinion having a regular sex partner who is keeping you satisfied is probably helping you to avoid bad relationship decisions. At least you aren't going to go jumping into something just because you are horny or lonely. I think getting that sexual energy out of your system allows you to be clearer headed about other things.

In fact, I believe that holding off on sex is what causes failure of a good many relationships. If the people involved would have had sex earlier and get that tension out of the way, they would then be able to see that maybe things wouldn't work out.

I would never ridicule someone for meeting a fundamental human need. Humans enjoy sex. Let's not blackmail each other with it or use it like currency. It is ok to enjoy it. Just be responsible about it.
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