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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ttawny
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 9
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do nowPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
8 dates and you have "feelings" for him? Give me a break. It is obvious to him that you are clingy and needy, and you are likely getting on his nerves by asking stupid questions like, "what am I to you?"

In case you haven't figured it out, you are a piece of a$$ that might had turned into something more except you are scaring the hell out of the guy by smothering him after 8 dates.

How can anyone call this guy a player? He hasn't done anything except tell her the truth!
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 12
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/24/2007 7:37:48 PM
OH NO!!!!
Us guys are doomed!!

laughingthrulife has us figured out!

Quick! Do a thread delete before word spreads...
 genegem
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 13
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/24/2007 7:48:03 PM
stray69cat99 them's the risks you take ...



He told me he really likes me, "I look nice", he enjoys spending time with me, enjoys sex with me but he sees me something along the lines of a "good friend," saying that for him it's too early to think of me as his girlfriend and relationships start with friendship. He seemed to imply that you can only call someone your girlfriend/boyfriend if you are in love with them.


You say he claims "relationships start with friendship" and that is precisely what you
should have been telling him before you jumped into bed. If all you want in life is a
succession of "quick flings" then by all means jump into bed without any "commitment
of fidelity and exclusivity" ... but if you want a serious LTR then let the friendship
develop first.
 kittybiscuit
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 17
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/24/2007 9:31:33 PM


I've been seeing a guy for just over month, we've met on 8 occasions for between 1 1/2 and 6 hours each time. I'm developing feelings for him (not love yet) and I miss him between dates. Tonight he mentioned an ex-girlfriend, so I asked him what I am to him. I had to explain what I meant, ie am I a friend, "someone he's seeing" or a girlfriend?


Ok, you met him here online or you knew him before?

In any case, you have been around this guy, let's say 30 hours total (average between 1.5 & 6 multiplied by 8) and you have feelings for him? Now I am guessing you started having sex with him around hour 15. So you spend about 15 hours with a guy and decide to start having sex with him and then at around 30 hours or so, you decide you have feelings for him. Hmm.

My advice to you is to keep your panties on for more than 15 hours and get to know a man before taking them off. That way you have a better gauge as to what is going on with him, who he is, what he wants. You seem like the type who enters into a sexual relationship, has all those good feelings, and then equates that with wanting more. If you are like that, having sex early on is going to result in this same problem over and over again. You have feelings for him and he is still looking because you haven't taken the time to get to know each other and now he is feeling like you are desperate, needy, and clingy.

Right now he has basically told you that you are good enough to have sex with but he is going to continue looking for something better. So you can either hang on and hope that as he gets to know you, he will want to be with you. Or you can move on to someone who sees you as something more than a bootie call.
 LMK45
Joined: 3/27/2007
Msg: 26
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/25/2007 6:20:05 AM
It's not looking good and I think you are allowing yourself to get played. Sorry.

When you had sex with him so early on, he didn't have time to bond with you mentally/emotionally before physically. You didn't know his background; i.e. is he dating other women, what are his actions saying to/about you, are you exclusive with each other.

Try moving on to someone else and think about slowing down before getting physical. Your heart is gonna get hammered with this current guy, and he's already told you his truth. Best wishes ...
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 42
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/25/2007 7:14:44 PM
Damn! I am in the same boat. I like this woman a lot, but I am not ready to say she is my girlfriend. And when she digs in I feel like pulling away. Like she is pushing too hard, when I need to slow down. Maybe you need to give me advice.
 MDNinja
Joined: 1/9/2005
Msg: 48
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/25/2007 10:30:05 PM
Maybe you should ask his wife for her opinion. This guy is a player. You got played. Live and learn.

Sometimes I hate being young and wise. I only date women that I can see myself with. If I can't see myself with them, then I don't date them, and 99% chance won't try to sleep with them.

I never casually sleep with a girl, then develope feelings, then hope to turn things arround into something it's not.

OP, that is what you did, I hope you learned from your experience.
 kakleen
Joined: 9/24/2007
Msg: 65
view profile
History
here's the word
Posted: 10/26/2007 2:53:45 PM
If you want to keep seeing this guy--unfortunate, cause you're going to have to play his power game, you're going to have to start mind****ing him, because he is so clearly already doing that to you. This is all about power, fear of intimacy and control and it is sad to get in the ring with an emotional caveman, but obviously, you like having sex with him, you're tittilated by the mystery and the challenge, so on it goes.
I would say DTMFA, but you're not going to, so I'll say instead that these fearful men are not difficul to manipulate and flip the script on--they can't relate in a mature manner, so they will respond to games and power plays.
Become scarce, become elusive, become unavailable become recklessly insensitive and overly casual and make sure he worries that you are prowling for others. He will poop himself. It is all a game and all it will ever be to someone who is petrified of real intimacy. Then he will be whipped , but he will never really be yours, just manipulated, because it's pointless.
 svj
Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 67
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 3:18:03 PM
Dump him.

There... I've paid my admission. Now what are we talking about?
*reads thread*

OK, now that I've actually read the OP....
(everyone in here says "Dump him" no matter what, I've noticed.)

I still say "dump him".

OP: Assuming you're not leaving any information out of your post...

You said you don't trust him.
You're creating all sorts of paranoid scenarios in your head of ways he's jerking you around. You dating Machevelli or something? Guys don't think in such complicated terms.

And the fact that:
a)didn't find out who the "guests" are,
b)you never call him, but expect him to always call you
c)you're hemming, hawing, and straining yourself over whether you should ask for an hour of his time?
All implies refusal to assert yourself in the "relationship".

It doesn't sound like you're treating him like a boyfriend...
it sounds like you're treating him like a deity.

For all those reasons, I think you should leave.
To me, it sounds like you're not secure enough in yourself to be in a relationship with this guy. You need to improve your self-image, or find yourself a doormat who won't make you jealous and paranoid by simply going about his business.

Don't worry, there's no shortage of those. They just aren't particularly sexy.



Don't assume anything.
Hint #1: Many (most?) guys would rather not talk on the phone if they can just see you in person. Phones are impersonal.

Hint #2: For all you know, his "guests" could be his kids from a previous rel'n, that he hasn't told you about, because he was self-conscious of what you'd think.
 janedoexyz
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 74
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 7:36:47 PM
Wow, are you dating him too?

I got soooo tired of being put on hold and feeling stupid. I 'd complain and everyone looks at me and says Your old enough to know better.... or How old are you?

I felt stupid, stupid, stupid....

Did I mention stupid? I should stamp on my forehead "stupid" for being with that guy.

I told him that I will be seeing other people. And I am!!!!!!!!!

J.







J.
 janedoexyz
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 75
here's the word
Posted: 10/26/2007 7:46:43 PM
kakleen,

You got it all figured out at your young age. My goodness good for you. Thank you for your post full of wisdom. I'll carry that thought.

J.
 Born2bewild62
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 76
view profile
History
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 7:51:16 PM
Poorlittlefish, this dude has a major major malfunction. Or else he's hedging his bets because you are so awesome that he's afraid that you will dump him the moment someone you like better comes along. Don't know what else to say. Maybe you need to hedge your bets too.
Good luck.
JF
 Terrible Flirt
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 78
view profile
History
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 8:36:55 PM
Is there any chance you could convince this guy to write a book detailing his technique?

Seriously, your options are walk away and never look back (you may run into your self respect just over the hill), or stick around for more of the same, along with a continued decline in your emotional well being. Good luck OP.
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 93
view profile
History
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/30/2007 1:38:03 PM

He told me he really likes me, "I look nice", he enjoys spending time with me, enjoys sex with me but he sees me something along the lines of a "good friend," saying that for him it's too early to think of me as his girlfriend and relationships start with friendship. He seemed to imply that you can only call someone your girlfriend/boyfriend if you are in love with them.

Been there just did that, talk about confusing. We were having such a great time too, that was until she decided to give her abusive ex yet another chance. I was like WTF? I know she had more fun in the last 5 weeks with me than she had with him in the lst 2 years. Oh well, her loss. Hang in there littlefish, like me (hopefully), you too will find a good one that is less complicated.
 Jax_xx
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 97
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 11/8/2007 6:00:13 PM
Run now!!! Seems to me this guy is keeping you on the side ........he obviously has a wife or a girlfriend.....or someone else he is interested in........cut your losses now.....if you are sleeping with him, you seem him rarely, you cant go by his place...........you already know all you need to know.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 103
He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 2/4/2008 7:05:42 PM
laugingwhatever says


You choose, take the control back and make him eat out of your hands, because right now you ARE BEING played.


Cool. I love this line. It gives us guys more amo to dump you. Or to say, well, she dump me. So tell all the girls. Go, do.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now