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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 *Eiledon*
Joined: 8/6/2007
Msg: 3
Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
You've been looking and contacting men for dating here now for over a month at least, while you're in love with some-one?

Sounds like you need PROFESSIONAL help to help you understand your emotional needs.

-help you're not likely to find on the forums.

Good Luck OP.
 Monty_Python_007
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 10
Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 8:19:25 PM
Your pain & desperation is so obvious in your post, & I'm sorry you're going thru this. No one deserves this kind of abuse & emotional neglect.

But you got lucky - one of the first respondents hit it on the head. First get out & get better, then you can worry about why. Theres a whole big section in Barnes & Noble of books about why we make such crummy, self-destructive choices in relationships. You can read each & every one & be no better off whatsoever unless you DO SOMETHING.

When you say you "suffer from depression" do you mean you've been diagnosed & are under treatment or taking medication? If you have been diagnosed & you're not addressing it, do that. Immediately, tomorrow if possible!

Though it's not the perfect answer for everyone, a lot of people have gotten great results from talk therapy, particularly if you go to someone who can help you figure out how you got to this place. They can give you emotional support, provide a safe space to explore your feelings, help you recognize patterns you may not be seeing, give you tools & techniques for coping, & lots more. It can take some time, & you don't always find the therapist that's right for you on the first try. But often help like this is available for free through the state or county or some therapists charge on a sliding scale.

You know exactly what you need to do, you just needed to hear it from outside your own head. Go do it. Please.
 napoletano
Joined: 10/18/2007
Msg: 26
Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 10:30:13 PM
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........money?
 msudeere
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 32
Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 8:25:41 AM
I think you are a very sweet and lovng girl and need to put this undeserving a** in the road. I have had similar experiences as I am a giver too but promise from experience they won't change and the worse thing is if you meet someone nice they are not going to want to get involved as long as he is in the picture. you are a very pretty girl and won't have a problem meeting the right one after you get away from him . Wish you lived in Ms...hope you are getting the info you need .. good luck
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 37
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Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 5:20:39 PM
oh dear..

it's tough isn't it? I feel for you.

Now, practically, I would really suggest that you start looking at your own codependancy... get away from him and really... find a therapist, or Al-Anon, or CODA. I'm not saying you are mentally ill...that's not it, but if you don't purge this characterisic you will only attract more of the same...narcissists and alcoholics and all those kinds can see you lit up like a christmas tree, and they will take advantage of your softness and desire to be helpful and loving. You can be a loving woman without being codependant. Even better you can do it and not end up a victim.

good luck!
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 38
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Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 5:26:47 PM
Because they are afraid of being alone.
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 47
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Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/30/2007 1:55:37 PM
Wow, incredible, I just recently started a thread basically asking the same thing. I was seeing someone recently that had come from a very abusive relationship, both verbally, mentally and physically and when we began to draw closer she up and ended it and said she wanted to give the abusive ex another chance (4th) chance in fact. She knows it a bad relationship, her daughter knows it and has told her so on many occasions and so has everyone else she has talked about him with, yet she went back in spite of being able to have a great relationship with me. I have no idea why they do that, I'm hoping someone here might have a rational reason for it as well. But OP you know you need to go, you're worth so much more and deserve a lot better from a good man. Just do yourself a favor and when you find him, or he finds you, don't push him away, I know first hand the feeling of how hard it is to be pushed away when trying to show a good woman she's worth something and is good. Give the next guy a chance but remain a little guarded however just in case. Good luck.
 wwy059
Joined: 5/21/2007
Msg: 49
Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/30/2007 4:32:22 PM
Dear Poster, I am also 48 and I think you are a very nice looking woman. I was in a simular relationship and it is hard to walk away when you love someone. He is a true narcisist. You may want to read a book called trapped in the mirror and you will probably be amazed at how you will see his actions unfold in your mind as you read it. You have already answered your own questions in your original post, and you know that already. Sometimes we just have to walk away, and it will be hard at first but you deserve better. You are attracted because it is an uphill battle and he is challenging you but the truth is we all deserve better. There is life out there and we have to go get that life, and make the decision to be happy. He is only keeping you hurt and hindering you from true happiness and you have to move on with your life now because life truely does move on. He has already told you he doesn't want a relationship then give him what he wants. He is using you and you are letting him. If I was close and wasn't in a relationship I would like to meet you, and I am sure there are hundreds if not thousands of men near you that would feel the same way if you were to give them a chance. I wish you the best of luck, and that you make the right decision for you.
I also went down this road and one day I saw a hope bumper sticker on the car in front of me and realized there was no hope and went to her that evening and ask her to never contact me again, and she hasn't and yes it was hard but my life has been so much better since. You deserve better and you know it. Open your heart to someone else and allow yourself to love.
 stephaniezowie
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 52
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Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/30/2007 10:37:48 PM
look up the definition of co-dependent because that is what you are.
and i would know because i am too!
 joseph cecil
Joined: 4/14/2006
Msg: 53
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Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 6:51:03 AM
Hi Katie, your only wise choice is to quickly back away from the abuser, he has nothing for you anyway. If you are strong, he will seek you out, but the moment you weaken he will abuse you for selfish gain.

I have very strong principles against giving my time to abusers.. I don't let them near me, and I don't give them more than 30 seconds of time. You know what needs to be done, remind yourself not to be a p u s s y about it, you are an adult and ifyou tolerate his abuse it will only hurt you more..

now on the other hand, if you want to use that guy, and tolerate him using you, that's not abuse.. but do not lie to yourself, or then whine to yourself or others.. his abuse is clear... nothing you do will change him.. either accept that he doesn't care about you, and uses you only for his own self, or you are lying to yourself. Any man who gets drunk when a woman is present doesn't want to be around her. If he REALLY wants to be present, he won't drink that much, because that's what LOVE does. He is not loving.. you don't have to change it, you can't. you can use him, but don't think he's going to change.. and I would -if it were me- back off a lot, a whole lot.. use him where it's comfortable, but immediately pray and resolve to move to another relationship. I don't want to spend a lot of time with this because your choices are so clear.. I can't stand people like that guy.. and I don't like spending time repeating myself if you want to keep going back to him..

definitely you should probably forgive yourself for the weakness or suffering that has you wanting him.. it's a pain, or a lonelyness or fear or some combination.. but it's not an excuse.. you can forgive yourself even a little, let god do it even more.. you can keep him, if it's in his appropriate place, as your pet. he cannot be your partner, he's an addict who abuses himself and anyone close to him. you can play with him, but then don't cry when he hurts you, you knew before you went over he's just a ho.. and he's got nothing of real value for you either.. but he could be a little comfort for a moment.. but not really.. I wouldn't go near a person like that for anything.. the minute I see an abuser I immediately accept the pain, let them go, hold myself and move on.. focusing on what I truly want.
peace and blessings
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 55
Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 7:13:07 AM

because we made a deal that we were going to see only each other, until he meet someone else.


First off, you need some serious professional help. I just wanted to quote the sentence above because in indicates very clearly how you have put shackes around your self. If you make a pact with a person of not seeing other people it means that when YOU break it up, YOU not HIM is free to see other people. Whether he meets another person or not is irrelevant. YOU are FREE.

Okay, first of all, you have an extremely low perception of your self, and because of that you find yourself with a person that in the surface seems in more need than you, thus the attraction. I call it the Puppy dog syndrome. He validates your giving nature. You see the problem is that you are not in love with him, you are in love with that validation that you get when you are helping someone in need. However, this guy is a user, an abuser, and you well know that you need to get rid of him. The thing is that you are not strong enough to do it. So come to terms with a few things. Number one, YOU are never, ever going to make him change. No matter what he may say, no matter what you want to think in your head. Number two, it is going to get even WORSE. Face it. This is the way it is when you only been going out this much. It is going to bet a lot worse. Number three, you need to think of yourself, so get your validation elsewhere. Get a cat or a dog, volunteer in some organization, so you feel needed. And number four, DUMP HIS ASS, and do it as soon as possible. Now be careful here. You cannot dump him, and then change your mind and see him next week. No. You dump his as and make it FINAL.

Your freedom, your sanity, your self worth is right in front of you. Do it.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 56
Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 7:21:17 AM

I do see a therapist once a week also. I really appreciate your input.


And by the way, fire your therapist. He/she ain't helping you.

I have a feeling that you come from a very mentally or physically abusive family. Thus you tend to get attracted to dictatorial types, perhaps military types. So whatever you do come to terms with that, and distinguish that there's nothing wrong with a discipline strong person, but that it doesn't have to be abusive.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 57
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Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 7:51:34 AM
Seems like there are a lot of closet shrinks on here, so I am going be one more...

You know your life story, and the what and why of your past.. Some say it is because you were abused as a kid... Could be...None of us know.

However in general terms most people that get into an abusive, debasive go no where relationship is because of low self esteem.. Many times it is because we feel so worthless, that we are willing to date someone below us, so he doesn't leave.. After all we are at least better then that person...

Then we kid ourselves into thinking we are some male reform school or nurse nightengale... UMMMM yeah, not!

Get some counseling that gets to the root of you. Check out your area for womens resources for women in abusive relationships... Heck you can even check out an addiction program...

The worst part about being with someone you describe is that you say you love this person...The question is really do you actually love this person or are you just addicted to him?

Do you love yourself enough to get passed this destructive, emotional draining relationship to make yourself available to someone really worth of your time? If you are swimming a cesse pool, how can someone wonderful even notice you?

Good luck
 lover_gal
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 64
Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 9/15/2009 11:52:39 AM
Hi there, I was reading your article and it reminded me of me. I actually met a guy on Plentyoffish... he was a total jerk from let's say day 2. I thought he was physically attractive, and honestly the sex was good, at first, but he was so rude! He took me to Taco Bell... that was the extent of our socializing together. I walked out of the bathroom and he was oogling over some young girl in line.. I said "Nice eye candy huh?" He then replied with a "Yeah, I'm sorry but she is hot." what an ass! He said if he was with a girl like that he wouldn't need to look at other women! Then he told me that I was " borderline hot".. And during one sex session he grabbed my tummy and told me that he thinks I should "firm up". I kid you not! After sex he would "joke".. Hey you gotta leave, I got another date! I know this is absurd, but something made me go back for more of this jerk...pathetic I WAS... I finally stopped seeing the prick after 2 months of this crap. O.k.. I started seeing someone else now, much younger than me, and the red flags are happening already! We have been dating a month... he was supposed to call me at 8 last night to meet up, but did he? NO, I found out he went to watch the football game with his buds instead, which is fine, if he at LEAST would have called and told me he made other plans!.. I haven't heard from him since. It's o.k. though, I have a lot more self respect now, and I know that I deserve respect and adoration. I would recommend to any girl that if your gut is telling you something isn't right, or if you cry more about this person than feel good about yourself... GET OUT! Love yourself first! :)
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 65
Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:44:53 PM
ExNavyWave,


Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?


Because they have low self esteem, don't want to be alone, don't want to start over, lack of self love/worth, etc.
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