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 ellen86
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 1
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Still friends ?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I fell inlove. Madly. He was everything I ever dreamed of (and i used to do a lot of dreaming). I moved half way across the world to be with him. Loads of planning and some really tough goodbyes to friends and family went into that.
I come here and he dumps me. And after that I find out that he has been cheating on me. Ive never been so crushed in my life. My heart was so broken. And in many ways still is.
Thing is, he is my very best friend and has been for 3 years. I cant see my life without him. He is not inlove anymore.
I just cant seem to let go. He doesnt treat me bad or anything and we have a blast together still (somehow).
Is there anyone out there who can relate to my situation ? Im wondering how things are going to be down the road, will staying friends bring me closure or am I just hurting myself ?
And another thing, when I told older women around me what had happpened, they said "Cheer up. This wont be the last time a man cheats on you. They all do. They must, its in their nature" I got that response from many different people. That can't possibly be true, right ?! Im open for suggestions tho, haha.
 cupatea2010
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 2
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Posted: 11/12/2007 3:08:19 AM
You are sooo young to waste your time on trivial matters such as traveling all over to keep up with a cheating male. Your put all your hopes and dreams in this guy that is not worthy of you. You have to put it into that perspective. ...he is not WORTHY.

Give yourself a chance to explore your options..are you going to be all you can be?

Or have this guy wipe his feet on you..once..twice ..three times? because you love him...just for the sake of love?

I say...be all you can be and dive into projects to keep yourself from pining over a busted bubble.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 3
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Posted: 11/12/2007 3:12:48 AM
Hi Ellen , I am sorry to read of this turn events in your life.
I am in a similar situation to you, except that I just moved to the other side of the city, not the other side of the world. Then, I had a stroke, so he has become my carer..and that is obviously all he wants to be. I am clinging on in the desperate hope that we can go back to being what we used to be, although common sense, and his ongoing negative attitude towards me makes it obvious that this is not going to happen, and if it does..it will be a case of him settling for second best, which I do not feel that he should have to do, since it was never something that I was happy to do...and why I waited 20 years to meet a man such as him.
There are some times when it seems like he is quite happy with me...like he unembarressedly made some comment about us getting married, and has said that he considers that we are quite compatible. Me, I know that we are no longer equals, and therefore we are not compatible, but I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone which is likely if I leave him. But ther are far more times when it is obvious that he is not happy with me...like spending as much time as possible with his friends, and a woman who we both know socially, and doing, for her, things he will not do for me, or if he does, I must pay him, or beg him, and then it only happens in his own good time.
We are no longer friends...I am too much of an embarrassment to him for that. I personally cannot see that our relationship will ever advance to anything more than just living together in the same house, and I think, now, that I should not have ever moved in with him, and he might have pushed more for us to get married, which could have helped to avert the stroke (I will not explain how).
I feel that he is only letting me hang around because he does not know how to tell me to move on, especially since his ex wife cheated on him, and he knows the pain of being rejected by your partner.
He would not have been guilty of emotional infidelity if I had not become disabled and unemployed, in other words no longer good enough for him, so no it is not in all men's nature to cheat, circumstances change, and, if the tables were turned, I would likely be acting the same way.
I bet you have had the advice to dump him..that there are plenty of men out there who will love you for yourself...Right? They do not seem to understand that that man was everything you ever wanted, and it just will not be possible to find someone else, well that is probably right in my case, since I am 50 next week, but it looks like you must be in your early twenties, so there is time for you to find someone else. I waited more than 20 years for my perfect man, they were lonely desperate years, but I always felt that they were worth it. But I did not have to leave the perfect man to begin with. Holding on may not give you the chance to grow and change, to develop into a different sort of person who will need to find a different sort of "perfect" man.
The sort of person that I am, now, and the age I am, now, would cling on, in your situation, the person I was, 30 years ago, would have left, and filled my life with distactions, like work, a dog, a temporary boyfriend, an attractive lover, until the man of my dreams came along again.
 TroisSouhaits
Joined: 10/1/2007
Msg: 4
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 3:25:21 AM
For me, I couldn't stay "just friends"........perhaps when you find another man to love, you can be friends with him but not right now or you will never move on. How will you feel when you see him with another girlfriend.......it will tear you apart. You're young and very pretty, go have some fun with other people.
And no it's not true that all men cheat, true some men cheat, but some women cheat also. I have found that when men and women are happy with each other, the majority are loyal and don't cross that boundary.
 coco studio
Joined: 9/25/2007
Msg: 5
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 3:58:02 AM
Ellen,
Cheer up. I have good news for you, all men are NOT cheaters. I'm 54 so have had a bit more experience meeting different people in my life.
Sounds to me like you met the ALMOST perfect guy in your eyes. How can it be wonderful if he's not dying to be with you just as much as you are...not so perfect. He should be just as blown away by you and that really does happen, believe me. You seem pretty special and deserve it!
And to Maree, life isn't over at 50 by a long shot! I don't know your health issues but that relationship sounds very one sided too. If you expect so little out of life that's usually what you end of with. I'm a firm believer in positive energy. You can make your life what you want it to be.
Good luck to both of you.
 simple passion
Joined: 1/21/2005
Msg: 6
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Posted: 11/12/2007 5:35:39 AM
Want one guy’s opinion?

I’ve had plenty of conversations with friends who are women to know lots of guys are serial cheaters. I’m guessing it’s about 50/50, these days, as to what percentage of cheaters are men versus the percentage that are women. This is one of those things where it can help a lot to view him/her as “a person who cheats”, rather than as a gender thing.

Over the years, I’ve come to see it’s a problem that, though the cheater is the one who is ultimately at fault, their addiction to cheating is made possible by the people who “let them cheat”. That is to say, the guy (in this case) will almost always continue to cheat so long as he knows he has someone to fall back on. It encourages and strengthens his cheating if, after you are cheated on, you agree to accept him back in any way (especially if a woman consents again to having sex with the cheating man, or if the man consents to being “a shoulder to lean on” for the cheating woman).

Like the rest of us, you probably have a dream of what would be a great relationship to have. It happens, literally, about one in a million times that someone who stopped loving you will one day start loving you again. NO ONE should accept the odds that you will not be one of the 999,999 people who loses that lotto. Right?

I do have a suggestion, though. Right now you aren’t feeling very strong, I imagine. At this time, you want to do what’s best for yourself, but your feelings will usually outweigh your reasoning. You might try the following approach…

Make yourself off limits to him from here on out. However, don’t do it for yourself, as at the present time you’re likely to crumble and give in. Instead, do it for him. Keep in mind that you loved (past tense) him, and consequently you should wish he will have the best life possible. The best way to ensure this for him is to make yourself unavailable to him. It will be a start for him, as he’s gotten himself into this rut, most likely, because his experiences show him he can have his cake and eat it too (having a serious relationship, while having another woman on the side). As he keeps “woman jumping”, if he’s lucky enough to run into two or three women in a row that will do that (what I just proposed) to him, he’s likely to wake up to his ways… and change.

You will know you’ve done a good deed. It will keep love in your heart and help to keep you from developing the hostilities towards the opposite sex, which people often develop after being cheated on. You’ll need that love for a future relationship. Hard to convince anyone of this, but because of the love you felt for him, in the future you'll experience a love even greater. Start getting excited about that future NOW!

He’s not capable of cutting himself off from you, right now. You still have the strength to, if you’ll just reach for it. So I’m thinking it’s best if you remove yourself from his future. Do it for him, and the odds of you both winning are very good.

Oh, and remaining friends will almost never bring closure. Finding new friends and eventually falling in love with one of them will be PART of the closure. HAPPY FUTURE TO YOU, OP!
 britinIE
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 7
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 10:40:13 AM
Found this on another posting : Nope. You can not be friends with someone you are in love with and be able to heal and have a healthy relationship with someone else. It's impossible.

so yes you are hurting yourself continuing to be friends with someone who has dumped you and cheated on you. Sorry to be harsh but You could let go if you can be strong enough to - you NEED to put space between him and you and if you cant do that living near him then you need to put some physical distance between him. Why not move back? Or relocate? I came to Southern Cal almost 19 yrs ago from England by myself with no-one waiting for me - so it can be done. As others have said you are young enough (and attractive) to begin again and you have your whole life ahead. No - ALL men are not cheaters or it in their blood/nature, in fact I don't think I ever have been cheated on and have had 1 marriage and several long term relationships. As another poster said when you are happy together and meeting each others needs you do not think about cheating - even the guys. What these older advisers should have said is more along the lines of "cheer up - it wont be the first time you have your heart broken or be disappointed by a man/relationship - it takes a lot of frogs to kiss the prince - you just have to keep getting back up". If you would like to chat, write me here, my profile doesnt accept messages from females (due to unwanted bi attention lol).
 pinkpolish
Joined: 5/17/2007
Msg: 8
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 1:16:48 PM
OMG !!!!! I think you answered your own question. 'He doesnt treat me bad or anything and we have a blast together still (somehow).' BUT HE CHEATED ON YOU!!

I found myself in a VERY similar situation however I never moved away for him. We were (what I THOUGHT ) great friends. For over a year we spent most weekends together, he took me to his company parties, we vacationed together and thought we had a lot of similar interests. Although he made it clear that he thought of me only as 'his sister' it was then that I told him that I couldn't see him any longer. I told him that my feeling for him were completely different than his feelings for me. Approximately 1 month later he asked if I would like to go out for lunch again. I agreed thinking he had a change of heart. We resumed seeing each other again like nothing happened.

In my opinion I was so happy he was back in my life even if it were only as a friend. He was so dear to my heart and I can't say that I've ever said that about anyone ever before! We then went on another weekend get away ( as friends) and I went to more of his company parties. I usually waited for him to ask me to meet for coffee as I didn't want to be the one to initiate or feel like I was pushing him to go.

After 1 year we finally became intimate - just before that he told me that he thought it was ME that wasn't interested in HIM!! A few day later we agreed to take the relationship to the next level. ( I asked him 'why the sudden change' he said he recently had a lot of time on his hands to think about us ' and thought it was always me that wasn't interested in him.

The first night we were together I can't say the sex was good or bad however I can tell you that I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him that night!! And I don't mean that I loved him like I wanted to marry him. I just knew that he was someone that I wanted to be part of my life always. I really cared about him.

Two weeks later he called me and out of the blue told me that he wanted things to go back to the way they were and that he still wanted to go on VACATION with me BUT he said " There is absolutely NO CONNECTION between us"

NO CONNECTION??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I must have been hearing him wrong.

He had over a year to figure out if we were great friends. A year to know and understand that I truley cared about him and his feelings. I had worn my heart on my sleeve and often told him what a great guy he was.

BUT NO CONNECTION???

I'm sorry but those words have hurt me more than he could ever imagine. A few months before anything happened between us my gf asked what the scoup was between us. I told her that although its not THAT kind of relationship he is very dear and sweet to me and I can't imagine not having his friendship part of my life. I told her that he seems like he had ALWAYS been part of my life and will always be part of my life

I would have preferred to hear him COME OVER and talk to me like I was a person with feelings. I would have preferred to hear. ' Look I think maybe we made a mistake, I want things to go back to the way they were. I can't imagine losing you as a friend or hurting you in anyway. I need to be honest to myself and you regarding my feelings. Perhaps I should have talked to you about what I was or wasn't feeling before we became intimate.
A hug would have gone a long way. I would have been so ok with that. I have NEVER IN MY LIFE ended a relationship on a bad note. We have always been civil with each other and Im proud to say that I haven't ended a relationship on bad terms ever.

Although I knew that this wasn't THAT kind of relationship I never doubted for a second that he didn't love me (you know what I mean). The kind of luv that is so unconditional - always there for each other. However I was now hearing him say that Not only didn't he love me but he didn't even care about me or our friendship which I had held so dear to my heart. I often thought that this guy could have talked to me about ANYTHING. I never asked him about his personal life, who he sees etc. I was just happy being friends. If he had told me that he was gay that wouldn't have phased me in the least. (not to say that he was) I just loved him unconditionally.

When I confronted him about this he denied ever having said that he told me that he thought it was me that wasn't interested in him. I offered to send him a copy of the IM but of course he declined to see it.

Sooooooooooooooo..................

Just to answer your question. You may very well have been in love with that person. From what you wrote I can tell that like myself you were loyal, upfront with your feelings, honest and most of all you were sincere to yourself. It's unfortunate that someone was selfish and took advantage of your kindness and your innocent heart.

YOU CAN live without him. You've been doing it all this time. Always remember that what goes around comes around and unfortunately he will do the same thing to the woman he cheated on you with.

The guy I was with is 42 - never married. I wonder if it's because he doesn't even know how to nurture a friendship or be respectful and tactful when it comes to other peoples feelings. After all if someone told me that they really cared about me (even if I didn't care about them at all) I would be flattered at the least and certainly go out of my way to make sure that things were said in the most way.

Keep your chin up sweetie you did NOTHING wrong.
 juanchito26
Joined: 12/11/2005
Msg: 9
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 2:09:28 PM

For me, I couldn't stay "just friends"........perhaps when you find another man to love, you can be friends with him but not right now or you will never move on. How will you feel when you see him with another girlfriend.......it will tear you apart. You're young and very pretty


Follow this advice. It is just not healthy to have this type of relationship, especially if you still have feelings.
On the other hand, if he did this to you, how can you even see him as a friend?. One thing is to love someone because they make us feel good, and love someone when they do us wrong, makes no sense to me. HE is not relationship material, I dont care what he looks like.

Move on. I wish you luck....
 juanchito26
Joined: 12/11/2005
Msg: 10
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 2:19:20 PM

NO CONNECTION??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I must have been hearing him wrong.


My God, how could you do this to yourself?. You practically set yourself up to be played like a fiddle. And then, I am shocked to read further down that:


he is very dear and sweet to me and I can't imagine not having his friendship part of my life


Believe me, if someone played me like this it means that they have the very least regard for me both emotionally and as friendship. This guy is a monster.
I know what it is to love. Sometimes we get into strong love feelings that are hard to get rid of, but to set yourself up like this?. I have to shake my head at your story, believe me.

And then he closes it like this:


When I confronted him about this he denied ever having said that he told me that he thought it was me that wasn't interested in him. I offered to send him a copy of the IM but of course he declined to see it.


If you are still seeing him or you think he is your dear friend, then for the very first time in my life I am speechless.....
 Becky J
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 11
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 2:26:24 PM
You can still be friends....but get you another man first.....
 Onnagoroshi
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 12
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 2:32:12 PM
I don't believe ex-lovers can be friends. Too much potential for problems not just for you but for any guy you might want to try to establish a relationship with. And, no, not all men cheat.
 lilangel33
Joined: 9/8/2007
Msg: 13
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 2:50:01 PM
ellen. you are a very beautiful young girl, believe me girl you will get over him and find love again.
There is lots of good advice here, my self I feel you can remain friends but on your own terms. It will be difficult at first but as long as you don't expect anything more.
Younger people seem to bounce back faster and often a friendship like theres is hard to find. They seem to be easier to forgive and forget.
As one gets older I think they hold more bitterness to wards people and they don't want to forgive.
Now this may sound strange coming from some one older but I have had a lot to do with the younger generation so I'm rather speaking from experience.

"If some people can remain friends after divorce I think this to be possible. and remember girl. all men arent cheaters.
 mahogany_rush
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 14
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 6:50:59 PM
Kid, its time to go home, you gave up a lot to be with a guy who fooled around on you, and you think he has good character and he is still your best friend wowwwwwwwwww, im amazed, if your best friend back in Sweden told you the exact same thing, that she moved across the pond to be with her boyfriend, giving up on friends ,family and life and he cheated on her, what would your response to her be?

Besides cutting his nuts off and hoping on the next plane home perhaps.

This is not a quality good friends are made of, he betrayed you, how can you trust him? time to move on either go back home and relegate him to the past tense and chalk it up as a lesson learned.
 citygirlconverted
Joined: 11/1/2007
Msg: 15
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Posted: 11/12/2007 6:58:55 PM
I say hang in there being best friends still has a foot in the door 4 you in my opinion
 keeona
Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 16
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 7:18:25 PM
I'm sorry but i don't see a friendship in this situation at all. You were madly in love with him, but he obviously never felt the same way. I wonder will he be your "best friend" when another woman comes along...will you still have a blast together or will you be put on the back burner till his new love fizzles out?.

I do believe that 2 people who have genuine feelings for each other can have a wonderful friendship after a relationship, but I believe this is not a common thing.

Write yourself a list of what friendship really means to you, then honestly, look at how much of that criteria he actually meets. If you are convinced that he is a true friend to you....then, no good asking for our opinions......they really won't matter one jot.
I hope he is what you think he is and that you can continue to have a blast.......but don't put your life on hold for him.

A quote that might help:
Never let someone become a prioity in your life...when you are just an option in their's
 scubagrrrl
Joined: 6/17/2006
Msg: 17
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Posted: 11/12/2007 7:53:21 PM
Not all men cheat - some do , just like some women do

Some people can forgive cheating some can not - my theory is those who cheat will forgive cheating because they simply don`t see is as such a big deal.

I do wonder why you want a best friend that cheated on you - to me treating someone like that is very disrespectful and a friend would not do that
 Naughtical
Joined: 4/27/2007
Msg: 18
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 8:14:24 PM
WHAT????????????

I must not have read the opening post correctly. I thought she said she moved halfway across the world to be with a man and he dumped her and has been cheating on her.
She says he is her "very best friend" and she can't see her life without him even knowing that he is not in love with her.

WTF!!! I did read it right. How the hell can someone be so damn stupid? How can they have such low self-esteem as this? How can they have no pride at all.....especially to post this?

I really don't understand it. OP....you said a lot of tough goodbyes to friends and family happened when you left home for this loser.....obviously you have people who love and care for you....GO BACK TO THEM.
 GENTILE
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 19
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 8:56:06 PM
Ladies confuse me. A guy cheats on them and they still take him back. If I even got the slightest notion that she was seeing someone else, I would be so gone! It just proves to me that my definition of what love means is not even on the same planet. Friends will be there for me even when I'm wrong, maybe just told hold me up when I'm down, but a lier is not a friend of any sort.
 becca210
Joined: 7/26/2006
Msg: 20
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 9:02:41 PM
Ellen.....I am so sorry that anyone has to experience this...but sooner or later, most of us do.
I have a couple of past experiences that might help you.
First and foremost, all men are NOT cheaters. I'm older, wiser and can say that seldom have I been cheated on.....certainly not in my marriage.
The other thing, is that none of us can help our love "status"...you can't force love.
You said your guy didn't mistreat you......thank God for that. He would probably be the first to agree that it would be so simple if he were still "in love".
After being separated from my husband for 6+/- months, he called one morning and said that he thought we should get back together. He wasn't romantic about it at all......and I
suggested that we meet for dinner and discuss. By the time dinner rolled around, he had
some second thoughts as well. I said it just boils down to love.....you either love me or not. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "I love you, but loving you doesn't make me happy." Hard to swallow, but honest. We both moved on with our lives. We don't hate each other...in fact we are friends......but not the hang out every day kind. We cross paths at weddings/funerals and the like and are always friendly. In fact, we hug, we talk, we laugh.
Don't put too much emphasis on the friendship for now.....because it is a constant reminder of the breakup and what "didn't work".
Maybe one day, you can look back as I am doing and not feel hurt. Every now and then...when I've been in one of those "remembering" moods......I would drag out The Way We Were and have a good cry. It's been years since I did that.
Best of luck to you Sweetie.....
Becca
 juanchito26
Joined: 12/11/2005
Msg: 21
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/13/2007 11:38:36 AM

I did read it right. How the hell can someone be so damn stupid? How can they have such low self-esteem as this? How can they have no pride at all.....especially to post this?


Some people have a very poor definition of what love is that probably does not include the "both of us". I know it is stupid, and you must really think very little about what you deserve to be with someone like this.

I agree with what you said. Some people just set themselves to be thrown down a cliff where at the end there is glass, metal and all kinds of sharp objects, know what I mean?
 toni0205
Joined: 11/26/2005
Msg: 22
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:01:49 PM
Well Dear Ellen....I don t think your "friendship" will really allow you to get on with your life and eventually find "the one". I was a social worker for many years...I am older and a little wiser from my past. There are some good ,honest, faithful men out there. Don t become too hardened. Leaving your home sooo far away was not so wise ...but I understand you thought it was a "forever" deal. You really are hurting yourself staying in touch with this man. Take a chance on a new one ...but let him prove himself before you give up what you have. Best of luck and love...Toni
 PrettyPicky I
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 23
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:21:28 PM
Ellen...I'm an "older" (tee, hee) lady from Victoria and familar with that government town, "pink- ghetto" mentality you mention. First of all, there are 4 single women to 1 man in the 30 to 40 something age group in Victoria, so this is why the older ladies are so cynical. Don't listen to them. Not every man cheats and they are not correct--most of them are just jaded, weathered and entrapped.

You are an exceptionally beautiful young lady and I think you need to be reminded of which side your bread is buttered on. Being young and single, you have the freedom to do absolutely anything you want. Really think about the power in that. Essentially, don't let those ladies (who don't even know how soul-sucking they can be) try to get you down and "steal you beauty".

It sounds like you want to let go of this guy yet value the friendship. If you are suffering over this, perhaps you do need some time and distance from him. Once you are over the pain of the relationship and have forgotten about the good times, then maybe you can entertain a friendship. What's most important right now is that you take care of your own feelings and emotional needs and you are the only person who knows exactly what they are.

Good luck to you!
 sass_class
Joined: 4/1/2005
Msg: 24
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/13/2007 7:00:25 PM
You can't be close friends anymore....let it fade. You dont have closure and there is a part of you that wants him back. It won't happen. As painful as it seems to 'let go'...you will see that it will do you good...give it time....and you'll be amazed at what you will be able to see about him...
 ellen86
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 25
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Posted: 12/1/2007 9:11:31 PM
Thank you all for your advice. It took a couple of weeks for me to look at them all since it is a pretty painful process.
A bit more time has passed since I started this thread. I have done so much thinking. And crying. And yelling.
I've packed my bags a couple of times. I've changed my flight a few more times. The problem is that if I go, its final. I will never see him again. I cant run into him, check up on him or anything. We will be 8000 km apart.
So, thats a very tough decision. Also because I have a temporary work permit and I actually wanted to live here. With him.
I feel bitter. I feel like if I cant have him no one can! Many times I feel that I might be out of my mind to stay here, but I cant bring myself to give him up. Forever. I wish there was a middle ground.

And most of all, I wish he would just come around and just love me. Even just a little bit. Pathetic I know. I feel like I've aged 10 years over night.

But thank you all. You've all helped so much.
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