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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...      Home login  
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 Wylie_Coyote
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 1
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...Page 1 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
I have a friend that is 26. He's been quite immature and I have been a mentor to him for a couple of years. About 6 months ago he sought my opinion about moving in with a girl that he was seeing for a sex only relationship. Since she is 32 and never had kids I warned him of the paternal clock and told him that in my opinion she would eventually drop off of her birth control and get pregnant because she appeared to me to want far more than sex only. He insisted that she would never do that to him and they had talked this through.

No surprise to me, it happened. He called me and said that she had been sick and then ended up crying admitting to being pregnant and has been insistent that she didn't want to abort. We talked about trust in the relationship and his confusion in "Doing The Right Thing". I was no more than a sounding board but it was clear he was feeling betrayed.

In my opinion a 32 year old woman "forgetting" to take enough consecutive pills to become pregnant and taking a 180 degree approach on the previously discussed "in case abortion" simply is no coincidence.

When my friend stopped returning my calls I sent an email to his sister just trying to find out what was going on. She informed me that she became friends with his girlfriend several months ago. Further this baby was just what her brother needed to become a man. She stated that she was glad that her brother wasn't returning my calls and that he is much better without my influences in his life.

It appears to me that my friend was duped into fatherhood not only by his girlfriend but his family as well. I know this kind of thing goes on every day.

How commonplace is this?

Does anyone think that a relationship based on mistrust has any chance of working?

Jonny Mac
 lie to me
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 2
Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:04:10 PM
It IS none of your business any longer. They've made that very clear.

But let me give you a little knowledge.

The birth control pill isn't fool proof. You don't have to miss a pill to become pregnant. While it is rare, it can and does happen quite more often than you realize, apparently.

The not willing to abort issue? Well. I know it's hard for you to understand, but when you're the one with the cells inside of you, growing - if it's after the first week or two, you KNOW it's been with you. Changes come over a person sometimes, and your previous belief system can go right out the window. You're talking about an actual LIFE. You can argue about when it becomes a life all you wish - but to the woman carrying, it becomes a life the second she acknowledges it's wanted/a baby/mine/etc....

Further more, maybe your 'mentoring' only took him so far. Maybe it sucked. Who knows, and no one cares at this point. It's OVER.

Now then. If you'd like to insure this never happens to you? Go get snipped, because NO birth control other than abstinance is 100% effective.
 Wylie_Coyote
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 3
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:06:26 PM
He knows my feelings. He also knows that I fully support what ever he decides to do and that I would be willing to be at or even in his wedding if that's what he wanted.

I figure that if he wants to talk he'll call. I choose to not pass on his sister's comments to him because she made it pretty clear that she was in on the plan. I don't want this to be an "I told you so" situation. He is a friend after all.

I do find in interesting how many people responded so far with the adatude that "I'm the bad guy here". What ever, it is an open forum and we are all entitled to our opinions. Keep them flowing.

J Mac
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 4
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:17:46 PM
Friends are there till the end...
I don't see how he is sticking this nose into his friends business.
An opinion is something we have the God given right to speak.
Asking for other's opinion show an open mind.
I too would be concerned for a friend in need or bad deed.

In my opinion...There is nothing you can do but support your friend and buy some booties.
 lie to me
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 5
Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:19:04 PM
I don't think you're the bad guy - didn't say it and didn't mean it. Believe me - if I'd of thought it I'd of told you.

As far as his sister being in on 'THE PLAN'? I think you're cracked. I don't see a 'plan'. I see an accidental pregnancy, they're keeping it, and the sister apparantly thinks it's a wonderful opportunity for her brother to grow the hell up and become a man. I'm guessing she didn't think much of your mentoring either....

What diabolical women to come up with such a plan to trick a poor unsuspecting man into their web of deceit! Bullshit.
 ~blue eyes~
Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 6
Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:59:22 PM
I don't think you're the bad guy really. But it does take two people to make a baby, and if they were having a sex only relationship he shoulf have been using condoms.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 7
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 1:19:08 PM
It appears to me that my friend was duped into fatherhood not only by his girlfriend but his family as well. I know this kind of thing goes on every day.
How commonplace is this?
I think it's fairly common. It seems that lots of people, both men & women, assume that men are "little boys", who will only grow up when forced to. Some people believe that pregnancy will force men to grow up.
Does anyone think that a relationship based on mistrust has any chance of working?
I have heard many people say, that when there are problems in the relationship, that a baby just makes things worse. He said it's sex-only. We don't know why. But he doesn't see a relationship here. Whatever the reason, a baby will bring much more pressure into the relationship, and the reasons will become much more magnified.
It worked in the past, because the guys were "nice guys" who liked to smoke cigars and play poker with his buddies, and that was why he wouldn't get married, but when kids came along, he stopped all that of his own choice, and women threw themselves into the marriage, and refused to seek a divorce. Your modern woman will let guys have their poker nights, and will leap to the divorce lawyer as soon as incompatibilities or infidelity show themselves.

I'd bet he marries her, she has the kid, and they are in divorce proceedings in 1 year. 2 years at the most.
 Wylie_Coyote
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 8
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 2:35:59 PM
Tom Kat, Scorpiomover & Dakotart62,

Thanks for stepping up to the plate and making an attempt at answering the only 2 questions I posted.

I whole heartedly feel that this was intentional and that no real relationship could work in this situation. I know way too many people that have been screwed by this type of BS.

I'm fixed and my G/F is as well. We each have 3 kids that are mostly grown. We have talked about this many times and came to the conclusion that we both would leave him alone to make his choice.

I have no regret for telling him that I believe this was intentional and that he has no obligation to get married. His obligation is to his child after all and he will have joint legal custody regardless of marriatal status but won't have anyone controlling his life. This is what a real friend should do after all. Further, I will support him in what ever he decides. Now I wait and see.

How about some women stepping up to the plate and condeming this type of behaviour?

J Mac
 lie to me
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 9
Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 6:41:00 PM
^^^^^^So you telling me a man can't put a puncture into a condom as easily as a woman can?
 shane4249
Joined: 7/26/2005
Msg: 10
Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 6:58:43 PM
I agree with you, if thats what they both agreed on, then thats should be it! Its complete reverse sexism on her behalf, its worse than rape in my opinion, because she is using him for something he does not agree to, and that could never happen without him being with her and she is using him and then on top of that, that is an overwhelming thing especially if he doesn't have kids! She is deciding his and the childs future for them and it sounds like she did it by completely misleading him!
That first reply you got was completely sexist! So know he has to have some type of contact/relationship with that woman for 18 years and almost positively have to pay child support, plus this will likely affect him with having kids with maybe someone who was "Ms Right" because this women decided what was going to happen. And then what about the kid? Another latch key kid, with a single parent or torn between the 2?!!!
Why do I have this opinion, because someone I know someone that told him she was divorced, turned out it wasn't final and she was still married, she got pregnant with twins and then aborted and the guy did not want that, and he didn't have a choice and was very upset!
I think that this kind of thing should go to court, because a woman can have all the sex she wants without contraception and if she gets pregnant, then she has the choice, but if a guy gets a woman pregnant, thats it, he has lost almost any choice in the matter, and definately not the final word, but the same woman can force him to take a paternity test and pay child support.
Why should it be 100% the womans final decision?! Be careful guys, there are plenty of psychos out there, trust me!!
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 11
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 7:27:04 PM
OP, a girl I knew told me that birth control pills are almost 100% effective, unless the mother is ill, even slightly ill, like a cold, in which case it's almost useless. She found this out the hard way.
If your friend's girlfriend had been sick, and they had sex, that could have done it.

However, is he sure he is the father? Has he had a DNA Paternity test done yet? No point paying 18 years of child support, if the child isn't his, and from what I understand, there are too many women who have had one man's child, and tried to say the father was another, because he was a better choice of husband, provider and father, than the real father.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 12
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 7:45:28 PM
"How commonplace is this? "

women have been doing this for generations. Not as easy to do today when men have the opportunity to behave appropriately with their sexual activity. Never depend upon the other person's birtth control and always remember that sex does produce conceptions even with the best prevention (and STDs).

Only the woman can decide to abort or not. She will have to live with her own personal consequences of the choice. Nobody else can live it for her nor can she change herself into somebody else who experiences the consequence differently.

Until the men get the laws changed, they are stuck with child support. Yes, I do think they should be able to get the law change so long as abortion is legal.

Marraige based upon a partner getting pregnant is doomed Some rare cases survive, but most don't. Worse for the unwanted by the male child than him staying a financially supportive and visiting dad from the get go.
 aSydneyMale
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 13
Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 8:37:32 PM

Since he spent his whole life unaware that sex causes pregnancy, are his parents, his elementary school, and all of his male childhood friends responsible for this too? I mean all of these people kept this huge secret from him...


You're dead right Selenanj, if you're going to do the horizontal folk-dance, then both parties have to take responsibilty for the consequences of any failure of contraception.

Taking responsibilty is what separates adults from children.
 aSydneyMale
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 14
Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 9:42:48 PM

And here the poor boy probably thought he had his cake and could eat it too....


Well Yankette, if he'd only just stuck to eating he wouldn't be in this predicament! lol..

Sorry about the bad joke... it just popped into my head...
 mellow mel
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 15
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/14/2007 3:37:13 PM
Arlo Troutman you hit the nail on the head she is controlling the whole dam thing and it makes me angry to know there are women out there that think it is ok to lie and cheat to get what they want it makes me wonder what kind of parent she will be.

So now she gets what she wants at what cost the guy is dam if he does and dammed if he doesn't but she brings a child into a world where she had to deceive it father it is hard enough when children are wanted but when you use deception to get your way and back someone in a corner how fair is that this child is going to have a tough road ahead I have seen it to many times. Mel
 mellow mel
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 16
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/14/2007 3:54:14 PM
Why should he have to pay child support if he made it clear that he didn't want a child and she assured him she would not have one and then SHE decided without his input that was what she wanted. If she wanted a child so badly then she needs to assume the support for it. Our court system is screwed up he will have to pay for the next 18 yrs for a something that was not his choice and I am sure he will but it isn't fair. Mel
 lie to me
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 17
Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/14/2007 3:59:04 PM
Hello! See here now - it's only this OP's opinion that this gal has tricked his bud into playing daddy. OP has a history of posts like this - every woman is just out to bag a man.

And all we have to go on is the OP's own personal history of grievance that this female lied and deceived the guy in the first place.

Ya know what? I don't think it's as cut and dried as he (OP) states. If this 26 yr old MAN chose to move in with his 32 year old FWB, that sounds a little fishy to me. Can it happen? Sure. Did it happen the way OP's painting it? I highly doubt it.

You don't move in with your FWB. It just isn't done, for oh so many reasons!


And yes - I do agree though that once this kid has stated he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with this child EVER, that he should be able to sign a legal document that makes him completely untouchable as far as child support of any kind goes - but he cannot change his mind 7 or 10 yrs down the road and expect a welcoming party.
 mellow mel
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 18
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:05:43 PM
^^^^^^So you telling me a man can't put a puncture into a condom as easily as a woman can?

What man in there RIGHT mind would sabatage himself ??? I know of very few guys that would willingly make a baby it is almost always the women who gets that ball rolling and yes in a loving relationship this is done with TWO consenting adults but this is not a loving relationship it was for sex only yes he could have used a condom but she did assure him that she was not intrested in a baby I do know both involved and she did totally manipulate the situation and I beleive she would have satabaged the condoms to get what she wanted she was reckless in her actions and now there is a child that will pay for her reckless ways as well as a very inmature 26 yr old who is a father before he is ready. Mel
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 19
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:36:45 PM

Anyway, I still maintain that it's irrelevant at this point. The child is coming: the relevant question is not "who takes the blame?" but "what best can be done to support this child?".
Given that the child will not doubt put undue pressure on the relationship, I think it would be prudent if they decide what to do NOW, if they ever split up, and do that, RIGHT NOW. Then, they can treat the relationship the same way as before. That way, the baby is covered either way, whether it works or not. However, if the mother wants a change in the relationship outside of that, then it needs to be treated as a NEW relationship. The only practical way to do that, is to split, have him move out on his own for a bit, still fulfilling the parental duties that they both agreed to, in all ways, and THEN go out on a first date, as if they never met each other. If he would not be happy with that, then he will never pursue the new relationship. If he would be happy with that, he will be only too happy to do that. However, if they do that NOW, then she will have to face the consequences of getting involved with a man who is younger than her, and only wanted sex from the relationship, and then getting pregnant. Most women seem keener to a pretty lie, than an ugly truth. But the truth is, that lies are always ugly and truth is always beautiful. Lies are just packaged better, till you get them out of the box.
 smartazzjohn
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 20
Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:42:54 PM
"How commonplace is this? "

I don't how commonplace this is. I do know a guy that moves in with a woman has more than just a "sex relationship" with the her unless he is so good at sex he is exchanging it for rent and utilities. Her getting pregnant could have been a plot or may have been an accident, either way if its his child he needs to support it. You seem to know this woman better than he does since you thought she would do this to him and he thought she never would. There could be a few reasons for this I guess, none of which are good.

"Does anyone think that a relationship based on mistrust has any chance of working?"


Are you seriously asking this when over half the marriages end in divorce? Your friend may be immature but IMO anyone who asks this question shouldn't be mentoring anyone about relationships. Sorry to be harsh but this is how I see it. Be a friend and let him get his advise elsewhere.
 mellow mel
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 21
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:55:25 PM
Edit: Autologin got me here. Jonnymac1963 wrote this while logged in as his G/F Mellow Mel. Sorry for the confusion.

Lie to me,

If you have issue with me then bring it on or maybe start a new thread outlining how you believe men like me make stuff up just so you can accuse us of being liars....

For the record, I have known my friend for a couple of years. I was his boss for about 6 months before I moved on to new oppertunities. I taught him the "trade" of facilities maintenance and became a life mentor for him.

He spent his evenings power drinking and his hang overs were looking to me like he was doing real dammage to his internal organs. Together we were able to start with a month off the booze and his DTs were the worst I had ever seen. When he shared what the DTs felt like with his father he was told that that was the sigh that he needed another drink. (what a pos). His dad used to beat the crap out of him when he was drunk and later make up. His last g/f was looking for the same type of abuse that his father had done with him. I was able to set him straight that abuse was not the way to express your feelings and to simply put it on the line. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Unfortunantly when he followed my advise and managed to build his relationship with this new women he thought that when he said he needed to learn how to make a true emotional attachment and that at this point he was only capible of sex only he said what he meant and thought she did as well. We talked then and before he moved in with her. He did what he thought was best and kept an open mind. When he told me about the pregnancy he knew I would be there for him, (as I will always be). I'm sure that once he settles down we will be in touch again. The ball is in his court though as I can't chase him down when he isn't receptive to my conversation.

As for Lie to me: Kiss my a$$

J Mac
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 22
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:55:56 PM
How commonplace is this?

Does anyone think that a relationship based on mistrust has any chance of working?


Sounds like you were there to listen, and gave the advice a friend would give. If he chose to end the friendship with you, it could be because others are telling him crap about you, or because he thinks talking to you will keep him from committing to fatherhood.

Obviously (if what you stated is accurate), the girlfriend is not a good person. The relationship has huge odds working against it. But, your friend is a grown man and has to deal with that. I would say you should be done with this situation, but if he ever needs your help (in a legal way, of course)--keep an open mind for the sake of the past friendship.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 23
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/14/2007 6:32:56 PM
"Why should he have to pay child support if he made it clear that he didn't want a child"

Because that is the law. The woman can reject the pregnancy (abort), but the man does not have the right to reject it. If she doesn't, than he has to pay child support if he doesn't prove that the child is not his. Even if the child isn't his he still has to pay if he doesn't take the steps to prove it isn't.

Yes, it is a biased law. But, ladies, if the man gets the right to reject, he will also go for the right to keep even if she doesn't want - to cause her to have to carry so he can have the child, if he wants it and she doesn't.

Keep your sex life responsible.
.
 kittycatfish
Joined: 9/21/2007
Msg: 24
Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/15/2007 2:00:27 PM
Honestly, I don't see why a guy would who says it's only sex would want to live with the female full time. I can't see it. I can see a 'visitation process', but NOT a living situation in a FWB relationship. Who the heck does that?

I think it's always been more that FWB and he was probably reluctant to tell OP that all along. Perhaps OP never was that terribly fond of the woman so the male told him it was 'sex only' so OP wouldn't pressure him to stay away from her?

Just my guess, I could be way off base...but friends are known to do this kind of thing now and then.
 tick tock
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 25
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Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 3/2/2008 4:23:29 AM
He should buy her a car with no brakes.
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