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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > How do you handle "not so good" things in your profile?      Home login  
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 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 1
How do you handle "not so good" things in your profile?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I've been very open and up front about being an ex-convict. Maybe because it haunts me and has kept me from getting glamorous jobs and various other things in life. Nearly everyone has skeletons in their closet. Many would be surprised at the conversations I've had with people who have opened up to me and felt like a weight was lifted off their shoulders. Yet, others have come back as if they were so far above me that I should be on my knees in their presence. So, how should a person handle true honesty, all those dirty little secrets most intelligent people hide or ignore? STD's, undesireable family members, things you wouldn't want the public to know but a partner should know before you even get out on a date????
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 2
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 9:03:29 PM
Thanks for the post! I could probably benefit from therapy but I don't have much faith in therapy. It's kind of like hypnotism....if you're not convinced it will work then it won't. I just know that there is no one who does not have issues and some of us do/don't have the ability to handle the problems other people have had to live thru. Not being able to accept the pitfalls of life is not a good thing. I really don't know if I have a problem accepting things or if its the opposite that I am very happy that I am able to be open and talk about it publicly. I just would hate it if someone thought I was coming out as if I were bragging about it. I'm definitely am not. I just hate the scene when people go stupid when they find out that I'm not mr. perfect and treat me like I'm some kind of joe monster when in reality I'm the one who they would love as a next door neighbor and the one they would most want to take care of their kids for them....it's the ignorance that gets to me....
So, what you're saying is that maybe I should keep it private until in a private chat or go out to meet someone I've met online? Spell it out and don't blurt it out????
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 3
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 9:10:58 PM
Byrd...I can see from your profile that you've had a highly unusual life and can understand why you have issues. Damned Bubba! You need to get out of that neighborhood. The really crappy thing about life is that you can't erase the past and hiding it doesn't do much good. The good thing is that you can go on and keep on giving and living. Not letting traumatic experiences hold you back or rule your life is like throwing rocks to stop a freight train....it might work, but don't count on it!...just get the heck out of the way and let it pass you by so you can be on your way again....don't jump out in front of it and let it run over you!
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 4
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 9:32:07 PM
Thanks. I think your advice is very well taken and very good. I certainly do not think posting that I'm an ex-convict is a selling point! Looks like I might be changing my profile...maybe even my name to kind of freshen up my start. I definitely want to get my life back together and the sooner the better. I've been dating one woman and not very comfortable with the relationship....so, getting out in the real world via the internet is the best, easiest, and safest way I know how....otherwise, in the age group we're in it's like fishing in a creek that has very few fishes and your hook is a bit rusty....
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 6
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 9:54:56 PM
Okay...it is done...no more "too upfront" stuff for me. AND hopefully, not a lot of time invested and wasted building a relationship only to see it thrown away when I drop the bomb!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 8
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 10:26:13 PM
"others have come back as if they were so far above me that I should be on my knees in their presence."

No one can make you feel like you are describing above unless you let them.

Good self esteem will remove any worries about what others think.

"all those dirty little secrets most intelligent people hide or ignore? STD's, undesireable family members, things you wouldn't want".................

Sorry to break it to you, but there are lots of people are hideong nothing because they haven't done anything that needs hiding. Some people were happy to work and live their lives without drama. I hear quite often the type of statement that you are making. Some of us just lived our lives in a way that left us free to sleep at night because our self esteem was more important to us than doing things that we shouldn't.

Ok, you have done your time, and moved on. Good for you. For you own sake, I hope you are able to forgive yourself, and stop judging yourself, and others as to how people are reacting to you.

We are all going to get people who act like they are better than other people. What they think isn't a problem unless we believe them. A time will come when people like that will seem funny to you.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 9
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 10:51:44 PM
Moraima's right ~~ some of us have led incredibly boring lives. Which doesn't necessarily mean we're judgmental. I know some amazing stuff about a lot of peeps. Sometimes, listening to amazing stuff from others feels like my life-path.

No doubt there are those who *will* bolt. But also those who won't. And no work on a relationship is ever lost. Even those that don't go where you wish. All soul work is good work.

I would have thought of myself that a revelation of time in prison would have caused some kind of withdrawal on my part, or reconsidering, at least. When it did happen, I knew and loved the soul well enough, the only effect was to make me want to hug him. We didn't make it, but it was his choice, not mine, and I don't think that played any part.

Hang in there, chances are your lady's out there somewhere. Keep on looking.


 peek~a~booo
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 10
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 10:56:10 PM
awwwwwwww it is ignorance forsure in others lil fishy...do not accept others
reactions as being any part of what you deserve...you deserve to start with truth and have the confidence to understand...not everyone want's or will begin to understand unless they want/choose to...
And yeah colorful lives are hard to translate to others who have no experience in relating to others with colorful ugly pasts...
don't feel to bad lil fishy. I know the feeling and i do not have a criminal
background but i sure have enuff ugly crap to make them jump out of the boat pretty dang quick...and like you i would rather lay it down and let them choose cuz i will not waste my time on a human who is not OPEN to discovering the person who grew from all that ugly stuff from the past...and if they can't handle that concept of human growth then get off my dang boat cuz your just DEAD WEIGHT seeking from others...

I am of the opinion adults know from the get go... life is everchanging and stuff from past is simply ground to learn about how that person can cope with bad and come out a SURVIVOR....and if they choose to go with another who has never been tested by life and bad stuff well then they are not the correct human to begin with..now are they...
Wisdom comes from coping with bad things...and if they choose to pass wisdom there loss...hang in there and do not ever pretend the expectations we have in life are ever determined by others...it is our expectations of our own growth that they require but they think it is factors from past...well let them take those facts and assume and let the door not hit there azz on the way out...

Two thumbs up to folks who have bad past and NOT allow others to determine your value as a human...that is soley the job of number 1... and if that person is open to understanding.... then they will and if they aren't ....they make great fish food...chuckles... smiles i hear ya...but just think now...
ya aren't wasting time pertendin and they are only entertainment and practice for the human some day who will UNDERSTAND... it's a chitty job but someone has to do it... good for you for being truthfull and letting those who are small walk without you having to get your hands dirty...bonus points for being honest and showing others the truth will set you free....

good for you integrity is biult on honesty not kind of honest...seek and you will find a match human who is not small minded...
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 11
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 11:47:47 PM
"Two thumbs up to folks who have bad past and NOT allow others to determine your value as a human"

All of us regardless of what we have or haven't done need to do the above.

We value ourselves, and the rest just doesn't matter.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 12
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:03:38 AM
Hmmmm....lotsa fine philosophy here... reality check...and hope it don't bounce!

Never had the blessed life of boring and no drama....that's the life I was after way back when! Gimme a boring life any day as long as I don't have to do the same boring job day after day! I definitely would have been happier with a little less excitement and fewer heartbreaks! I'm about 3/4 done on earth and sure hope the remainder is kinder to me. I definitely appreciate all the words from you forum persons/buddies... thanks bunches!
 MacKevinized
Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 13
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 4:04:37 AM
I think your profile is simply an ad or the listing of ingredients on a box. Put in what you are like and leave it at that.
There is no need to broadcast skeletons to the world and it would just draw the self righteous to demonstrate their admonishing skills.

When you find and understanding partner, those things in the closet are accepted as part of you instead of turned into things about you to fear.

I say the time to divulge those unpleasant memories is when you can trust who you are telling.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 14
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 8:35:16 AM
" I'm sure even you have something negative being a widow. Would you describe the death of your spouse on your profile? Yet..if you were to start a communication with or begin to date someone and they asked..would you tell them then? "

Yes, I am a widow who has long since moved on it all the info anyone needs. If they need to hear a blow by blow of someone's death, they are too weird for me.

Comparing being a widow to being a criminal??? Being a widowed isn't something someone chooses, nor is it anything to be ashamed about. No sentence of punishment is given for staying to being a primary caregiver. I have no idea where such a comparison would come from.

I am an upfront practical women. That I am widowed shows in my profile.

Maybe we need a catagory: Been in jail Yes No.

After all the drug question is there.

I think people are judged by how they present what they do about their past as much as by what happened in their past.

If someone says this and this happened in my past, it's over, and not part of my life anymore, it is a lot different that going on about the hell they have been through. If we still need to complain about the past, it is also being carried in our present.
 peek~a~booo
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 15
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 9:34:33 AM
Dear red...who are you to ask for my picture...you want to pretend your an authority on dating go for it...i do not want dates with humans who can not relate...any part of that you miss...
And what am i hiding...this post is for you hun...my partner slit his own throat...do you think i am hiding something...just cuz i do not have a public picture for
YOU i assume you can read..oh bad me...
Being open in conective energy has nothing to do with a personal image darlin...it has to do with you trying to seek my energy...personal boundry and she slides off the glass. now i strongly sugest before you select my name in your post you investigate my history of posts cuz i do not pretend to be an authority on anyones dating...i simply am an authority on MY DATING...so i have a special gesture just for you.
Do not pretend your the authority on opinions sweetcheeks cuz opinions are like azzholes.....everyone has one.

and for the record dear...if your dumb enuff to give trust to a picture on a internet dating site...i doubt i have much to say to YOU!!!


to all the lil fishy who are hiding cuz of suicide...i choose to be the example....yes dear red ....the strength of character is indeed the champion of justice...now bring it if you think you have the jam....chuckles...chucks red to corner and does the chicken walk....

the stigma to folks who have been part of the process understand the stigma...all the rest can only guess....so i choose to nail that stigma....and it is done by sharing those facts so others can feel comfortable with the coping tools of society....
smiles.....and when we tell people to not talk about it...it increases the stigma attatched to it...ring those bells people cuz that person choose a short term solution to a long term problem is not something I NEED TO HIDE....
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 16
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 10:14:23 AM
Enjoyed and appreciated all the posts from everyone. I've made some changes in my profile and will even make more. Also, I decided to take my picture down for a while and only make it public once I meet a lady online. I may change back and forth depending on how it goes. I'm just enjoying having communication with people at the moment. After a heart and head wrenching break up the healing process goes on for quite a while and we adjust to the changes in our lives. Having you guys to bounce ideas off of in brain storming sessions definitely increases my possibilities! Thanks for all of your inputs!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 18
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:38:24 PM
"I compared a negative point..with another negative point"

Wow.........now I am confused. I though people who nursed their spouses through a terminal disease were to be respected. (Silly me!) Seriously - I won't be accepting that being widowed is a negative, especially in comparison to someone who has been jailed for a crime. OMG next people who have had their children die from natural causes will be placed in the same catagory as someone who did time in prison.

To me, no one is responsible for another person dying of natural causes. While someone who has committed a crime is responsible for that happening in their lives.

The issue is what has that person done to turn their life around.

Whether a person hides a prison record for a few dates or tells people straight up, it depends on a lot of factors as to whether each would work better. Mostly it depends on the person who is being invited to date by op.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 19
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:57:10 PM
Moraima...one thing in your posts is very important... the problem with people pigeon holing others. If everyone knew and considered the circumstances and all the other things that happened to cause the crime I was convicted of then they would see what I experienced and know that I was and still am a very good person....however, like narrow minded politics that pigeon hole all of us low life ex-con's...I am expected to be above reproach yet I am denied a real estate license, can not run for public office, must be a self supporting member of society, am not allowed to teach school, lots of good things I could be doing that would be very good for society but the pigeon hole I am in blocks lots of opportunities for the public to benefit from my abilities.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 21
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 3:02:46 PM
"I doubt you would think of those times as "good times""

You would be wrong......................I think of those times with love and pride. My point is OP can't be pigeoned holed by people if he doesn't accept his pigeon holing.

The fact that op can't hold certain positions is something OP needs to take up with and change the law.

Personally, if someone comes up with a big bunch not so good things after a few days, it isn't going to matter how cute they are or how appealing their story is, I would feel like I had been conned. I can compare it to all types of dating situations, but I am not going to.

I maintentain that some folks will be ok with learning about it after the fact, and others won't.
 AgelessWonder
Joined: 4/12/2006
Msg: 22
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 3:11:43 PM
^^^ That is so true, but why air all your dirty laundry in your profile. OP, I know you are an honest person or you wouldn't even have asked this question.

When the time is right for you to approach the subject, then that is when it should be done. Go by your heart and intuition. I wouldn't bring it up with a casual acquaintance, such as in an e-mail... once you get to know someone a little better, then it probably would be a good time to bring it up... some will reject you, and some will take what you have to tell them in the context that it is given. Most everyone has some skeletons in their closet... Some are just bigger than others !!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 23
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 6:01:22 PM
^^^^^^^^ I wish people would NOT assume that just because they feel a certain way, that all other people would feel the same way.

There is no right and no wrong answer to OP's question. People can twist things anyway they want to. In plain English, some people would accept someone who has been convicted and spent time in jail and some wouldn't.

How many other people that the know or have meet in their lives who have also been to prison might make a big difference in how accepting they are.
 peek~a~booo
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 24
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 10:24:41 PM
Well i may as well share what i shared in a email with BOB...there are thousands of folks who have family members who have done time and they also have seen those family members turn the next corner like Bob and i am quite sure they can relate to his situation...and my healing is done folks but the stigma toward suicide is still out there...
I choose to defy stigma cuz i do not want another human to not feel they can not leave that issue behind and have life after, just like bob has a stigma, i have one attatched to me...that was what i was relating however that was "assumed" to be my healing...my goodness if i was not past that card i could not talk openly about the issue...
for the record my usual questions are criminal record and my purpose is to clear the base ground with the human i am interacting with so they understand stigma is not an issue here...that is a standard question for many folks off the line and it is not necessarily a bad thing if your dealing with another human who has a issue like stigma in there own background...so there are many ways to look at this issue as well.
a funny story....i was talking to this one man and in the interaction i told him that i had crohn's disease....and he said so your really special funny i have it to...neither one of us was comfortable at first but when we discovered that common ground it was hilarious. We where not matched for other reasons but it was so funny..i learned that there is no fear in relating stuff like that cuz if that human can't or chooses not to deal it...they have the option on the line to bolt and i do not get deeper into the past...
so now that i think of it...hollllllllay i have 2 stigma's...perhaps i should change my name to stigma...chuckles...
goodluck to anyone doing a dual with stigma from others...it is only there cuz to many folks do not lay it down and deal off the line and then they end up getting hurt cuz that human that they are talking to feels like they where lied to and had to corner you for the information...i have had that to...where they say....when where you going to tell me....and then you feel like your devalued....
so i lay down the bad and cut the ground off the line cuz i am oh so done with appologizing to others for A)a disease and B) a suicide must mean your wacked...
and i will not waste my time on some human who thinks that...

met to many who whined and cried that i was not telling this information and it
frankly was not fair to either of us...so i learned to be forthright off the line...and they either try to relate or bubye off the line...simply and to the point i do not hide chit.
I do not expect to con my way into anyones life and i expect forthright off the line cuz that is what I give. To each there own...this works for me..chuckles
is the developed man part of my personality.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 27
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/27/2007 7:44:32 AM
All we ever need to know in datingland, we should ask Clay. Common sense, and straight to the point with no candy coating of this question makes sense to me.

(No, we don't want to get into discussion the particular crime OP. Please don't think that is what we are asking. It is none of our business unless we are becoming an important part of each others lives.)

I would have to agree that certain crimes would be difficult if not impossible to forgive, or the fear might happen again in times of strain. ie. killed spouse for trying to leave. (Which obviously isn't the case here.)
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 28
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/28/2007 5:27:01 PM
Regardless of the schwing of the comments...I do appreciate them. The particular one that stepped in my cherrio's came at me as nice and understanding "I'm not a goody two shoes or anything like that"... then asked for details... so, when she got them she bolted then when I attempted to get her attention again she came back with not only annoying but degrading comments without considering the circumstances of the "event" (to put a sugar coating on it). However, in cyberspace, no matter what we say or the format or medium, what we say is only words and there is little to support whether I was testing her or actually giving details. So, philosophically speaking....there is no truth. There is only data and until you experience the truth you have to accept it as just words in the ether as words on paper.
We accept many truisms out of our assumptions and so called proof by statistical analysis whether a mere mentally calculated hypothesis or empirical fact. To this, I put the test in concerning the photo. I removed the photo and got little response. I had previously gotten only responses after contacting my intended prospect. Once the photo was removed I tweaked the profile some and toyed with it until I came up with a challenge approach. The numbers may not be big as compared to the female vixens with suggestive lithe and nubile bodies and sensuous photos. However, the fact that I got 3 responses from the personal alone indicates that issuing a challenge is a very good selling tool and has far surpassed the photo approach that is standard stock in trade on these sites. To that extent, the bottom line here is "selling technique". Polishing our profiles will increase sales so to speak. The ones I generally have had the most attraction do not have the greatest physical attributes or the prettiest history. But they have the best attitude about people and life and exude an ability to see through the walls we put up in the thinly veiled facade of our profiles...... damn, almost got poetic with that one!
 isTHISuserNametaken
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 30
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/29/2007 5:01:59 AM
There's a such thing as being too honest, too soon, Most people will automatically judge you on even one bad mistake in your life, even if there is a long history of good before and after it. It's a shame how one bad can erase all the good. People need to be judged on who and what they are NOW!

Your profile should focus on the good, positive side of your life, - not on your past mistakes that you've already paid for. Wait till someone has learned to appreciate the good in you NOW before you bring up your past mistakes.
If they reject you then because of 1 or 2 past mistakes, they are a very unforgiving person, and not worth it anyway.
"let he who has no sin cast the first stone"
 AgelessWonder
Joined: 4/12/2006
Msg: 31
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/29/2007 5:08:51 AM
To be perfectly honest if I were to date someone who has a criminal record or been in jail, I would have to know the details fo the crime before I would consider dating them. To me that is just common sense, but as far as telling it on a profile, I don't believe that is necessary but if you think it will hinder a relationship, be upfront with it as soon as possible.. JMO
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 32
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/29/2007 9:20:07 AM
My philosophy has always been that secrets are chinks (weaknesses) in our armor. They make us overly sensitive to certain subjects or once someone learns that secret they may try to use it as a weapon against us. So I've tried to live my life as an open book. It ain't always easy in RL. OL I ain't advertising it cuz there are too many freaks and stalkers out there. If I feel any attraction whatsoever between me and someone, I'm willing to disclose all and let the chips fall where they may, but my life isn't fodder for strangers... altho it probably would make a pretty good book. Heh!
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