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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Are you afraid of love?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 15
Are you afraid of love?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Yes, I am afraid of losing myself. I am so happy alone that I'm afraid that if I let myself care for someone else, that I will lose that security in myself and suddenly my happiness and feelings will be tied into this other person. This other person will have the ability to get me down. Whereas if I don't care about anyone, I feel really free and happy.

I agree with this. Most of my autonomous personality comes not from not so much SOs letting me down, but more from close family at a pretty young age. If can't do it alone, I'd rather not do it - depending on anyone for anything major is something I avoid at all costs. And in my mind if you can't count on family - who can you count on?

I don't seek involvement for three reasons: 1. because I am sporadic about relationships and don't want to compromise a lot of myself, which seems to be a requirement most times - that would just hurt someone else and waste their time; and 2. What Finneganne said - I don't want to lose my identity or sense of self by becoming too attached to someone else who might ultimately not have my best interests at heart.

I also agree that love in its purest form doesn't always have to be tied into a romantic relationships; being with someone doesn't always translate into an SO. Most of us should be lucky to have some good family and friends around. Some people aren't sure where they're going to eat or sleep, and IMO romance is a luxury compared to what we could be missing.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 16
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 8:27:44 AM
i tend to sabotage everything that begins to even LOOK like a relationship.

after a few years of doing this, i came to the realization that , not only do i feel better on my own, but that i won't reach any kind of authentic life experience if i feel the dynamic of emotional bonds with another.

i feel like the hermit card from the tarot deck. i love my self-imposed isolation wherein i can examine the purpose of humanity and fulfill my obligation as a woman living in western society. when someone needs me, i consider it almost an honor to serve in any needed capacity.

but to attach my self-worth to another person i can't do. nor do i want anyone to feel that i can affect their view of self.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 19
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 9:36:28 AM

Men tend to love differently. Loyalty and devotion are very important. When women talk of loyalty they mean let's not cheat. When men talk of loyalty they mean something like forever and no matter what. It is not possible in many cases for the woman to return the level of commitment the man would give and require. Women have a reputation for being fickle in love. They love their children, but their men are considered masters to be tolerated. Men have the tradition of devoting their lives to their wives and families. In the man's view of an ideal marriage, the woman remains loving and devoted, as he would. In real life it is clear that women do not usually remain loving and devoted. When you sense the lack of capacity for commitment and when you doubt the woman is going to match your ideal, then the propsect of marriage is like buying a ticket for an airplane ride across the ocean when you know the plane has only half the required fuel.

You know, I'm beginning to see some differences in approach and expression of love along gender lines... so I think you have a valid point here (with the usual caveat that it is not all women or all men).

Men do tend to express through duty and devotion... being in service to their loved ones. Hense why they often place emphasis on being a good provider, or the way they suck up a bad deal and kept on plugging away one-foot-in-front-of-the-other. Then feel betrayed, like the rug has been pulled out from under them, when this "isn't enough".

Women do tend to discount this and tend to express through emotional connection and perhaps, for some, shared activities. For them, being a good provider or being devoted isn't enough... it is more the "open to bid" and the value - or the expectation - is placed on "not being bored" or "maintaining connection or interests".

I can see how men might view women as being fickle in love. I see it in myself... one of my worst fears about relationships is exactly this, although I would express it differently. I want someone who shares our life together rather than just sharing an existence under the same roof. I know it is my responsibility to manage my own feelings - including boredom. And my responsibility to keep us connected in very real ways rather than succumbing to the daily grind of life. To thrive, not survive.

What, I whisper in the dark, if I am not up to the task? That no matter how much I want it, or how intense my desires are, that it does not work out? The answer, or so it seems to me, is to stay very focused on the now... creating the life I want each moment, each day in the choices I am intentionally making right now. I'll let you know how it works out in the fullness of time...LOL.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 25
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 1:10:54 PM

I'm young, only 21, but I'm absolutely not afraid of love.


at 21, i didn't fear love either. hell, i didn't fear anything.

i still don't fear it. i just don't think i have any business involving myself in romantic love. i simply don't believe in it. i maintain it's a human invention. i think we've conditioned ourselves to believe that a romantic relationship is our absolute goal in life. we feel incomplete without that one partner.

i see couples in their seventies, married forever and still thrilled with each other, caring for each other, laughing at the same things. i love these people!

but i can't BE those people.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 31
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 4:33:14 AM
Interesting thread. I think most people are selfish in their fear of love because what they are really afraid of is getting hurt by the other person, not whether they may hurt the other half of the couple.

The other side of the coin is that you can only control you. You cannot control her, you cannot control life events so while you might love the other fiercely and without restraint for the rest of her life, she may not or you may have some tragedy come between you.

You can be sure of yourself and you can choose someone with similar views and whom you believe will have the same high level of commitment. Someone that will honestly work through things if you hit a rough patch is a pretty good bet. More importantly is remembering to choose whom you like as well as love.
 nycdoctor
Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 34
Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 5:52:13 AM
I am not but most people are...to fall in love is about surrendering to the one you are with
 Hot Buttered Soul
Joined: 6/25/2007
Msg: 38
Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/29/2007 8:41:19 AM
I have never loved with regret. I have regretted instances.. but not the fact I gave my loved, and had been loved. Regardless of the outcome.
 dduck1628
Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 41
Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:37:19 PM

Love is scary - it makes you vunerable and the risk is high that you will get hurt (and possibly emotional crushed) - that kind of pain is slow to heal. But on the flip side, if you never experience love then you miss out on the best things that life has to offer. If you take your time to get to know someone slowly it helps ease those moments of fear and allows the feelings to grow slowly over time. Those who don't take risks, never really live. I will always choose life and love even knowing I may get hurt.


Lady_K I think you nailed this one. My thoughts exactly... Scary isn't it. A lot to risk, just can't help being human.
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 49
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:29:57 AM
Yes, I am afraid to love... but, only because so many times 'loving' meant giving up myself. I can't do that anymore. It's the friggin' 'romantic' fairytale I am afraid of... because it just isn't true yet it seems to rear it's ugly little head every time the word 'love' or 'relationship' comes along. I don't like possessiveness, jealousy, or 'neediness' or the joined-at-the-hip thing.. that's the kind of 'love' I am afraid of... whenever I hear the 'promises', and the 'forevers' I get this crawling sensation.

But... am I afraid to be intimate, or share my soul, or be dependable, caring and someone's biggest fan and best friend? Am I afraid to choose to keep my sexuality to one special person, or to be there for someone through thick and thin....no.

CCan I promise to 'love' them forever, to never leave them? no.. there are no guarantees and people grow and change and sometimes a relationship has run it's course... and sometimes people can continue to grow together throughout a lifetime.. but as soon as it get's all, 'happily ever after", and mature sense goes out the window..then I get scared.

If I can find the kind of love that respects and supports the autonomy of each person and yet enhances and fulfills the needs of each person in a way that encourages one anothers growth, with mutual respect and responsibility, that is the kind of love I am not afraid of...all else is some sort of symbiotic parasitism..to me. There is a fine line between trusting someone to support you emotionally and becoming dependant on someone to function emotionally, it goes both ways..there's support and then there is enabling.. and that does not honour the other, nor encourage them to be the very best they can be, which to me is like being a parent in a way... you need to encourage those you love NOT to be dependant on you, while still loving them. I think it's called interdependance.

peace
 StrangerInTheHouse
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 54
Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:07:37 PM
Well... that's a loaded question because many times one SHOULD be afraid of love.
All love is not good.
It means someone wants you in your life... but you need to ask "For what?"
Some people want someone in their life to feel better than, or yell at, or beat up, or abuse in some other way.
Love has it's qualities and the BEloved should pay close attention and evaluate those, lest they be caught in a trap they can't get out of without great difficulty if at all.

yeah... be cautious...
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 55
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:25:03 PM
Funny when an oldish thread resurfaces and you get to revisit yourself through one of your earlier posts (#22). Back then I was worried whether I would be up to the responsibility of loving. We're a few more months along and I'm beginning to trust myself more. Him too, but it has always been me I've worried about.

I remember laying awake almost every night while I was pregnant, terrified that I was totally responsible for launching this human being and was I up to the task? So I'm not surprised to have faced a similar fear as I move into creating real love with this man.

The OPost said this...
Now, when it comes to a serious relationship i'm not talking about the monetary crap, doing the damn dishes or goin out buying your girl's tampons for her or taking out the freaking trash for that matter, i'm talking about the responsibility of someone elses feelings. Now maybe therein lies some selfishness, but that to me is overwhelming, to know that what I do or say can have such a profound affect on the feelings of another whom I happen to care for & may indeed love. To me its a massive responsibility to take on & yeah, i'm a little umm clumsy when it comes to all that.


Early on my fellow made me promise I would share it all. Whatever joy I had or troubles or sadness or anger and especially my fear. He said loving is sharing all of that. I said "but my chit is my own to deal with, I'm responsible for me and I don't want my stuff to spill on your shoes" And he said "love is sharing your life and you can't just give the good bits or the tidy bits, you have to be willing to trust yourself and me with all of it... including, and especially, the bad bits".

He continued "how would you feel if I said I would only share the good times with you?"... and I admitted that wasn't on, that's not what real love is to me. He told me he'd faced enough adversity in his life that whatever I threw at him wasn't going to rock him... so bring it on, give him my best shot and learn to trust that he could hold space for me. Learn to accept love from him by allowing him to share my bad times as well as the good. So I promised to be brave enough to reveal my messy self to him.

In msg #4, tmotts said this in part...

You know you can never have any guarantees of a tomorrow with anyone. All you can possibly have is a feeling of wanting more. Wanting to know more, to experience more, of not wanting to give up.

When you experience this with someone, you learn to take everything that comes with it. Maybe you just haven't experienced this yet, because if you have than everything else would just flow. Both the good and the bad.

We are all selfish in our own ways, but when you learn to give more than receive it's amazing just how balanced things become. There are portions of us that we will see and find that we never knew existed. We can only see these portions when we learn to give more of ourselves.


At the time, her post resonated with me... but I hadn't, not really, given "my bad" to anyone before. I take care of others but don’t really allow them to take care of me… at least, not in the places that scare me. Relating with my fellow has been so effortless, yeah we've had stuff, but none of it so far outside my comfort zone, that my promise hadn't really been tested yet. As Moto Monkey said in msg # 23, essentially speaking of a man’s devotion…
The roof IS his love, in traditional terms. You own what is under it. He keeps the sky from falling.
^^ Something in that post got me, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It was.. how do you trust that another will keep the sky from falling. Isn't it your own responsibility?

So, the first test finally came, and it was a surprise as tests often are.

This weekend, we were chatting on the phone and he said something, not an awful thing at all, just being clumsy as the OP mentioned and it caught on one of my vulnerable spots and he noticed, almost before I did, that I'd gone a bit quiet. (which is what I do when I'm carefully tucking a feeling back in). He immediately apologized, I think he even used the words he’d been clumsy and was sorry it had hurt me - so I started to cry. Mostly, I think, in him recognizing I was hurt, which touched a different vulnerable spot. Quite awesome when someone sees you.

We were ok, no one's fault or blame... we both knew he'd just accidentally hit a soft spot. So I said, "We're ok, I just need to go now and deal with my feelings and I'll call you back in a bit." We said the "I love you's" and hung up... and I sat in the unexpected hurt and sadness (part of me thinking…it was an accident, “get over it, will ya” another part willing to just allow the tears/feelings and, somewhere in the background, worried that he was feeling bad that he’d hurt me).

Within minutes, the doorbell rang and it was him... he'd jumped in a cab. He wrapped me in his arms (he is the best hugger on the face of the planet) saying he couldn't leave me alone in my feelings and I just wailed into his shirt. (gosh I hate admitting that). It was still fresh enough that I hadn't packed it back up but because I promised him I'd fully share and not be careful not to let it spill on his shoes… I just let ‘er rip. Messy? Hell, I put snot on this man’s shirt. What can be more loving than that??

It’s funny how that affected me. I was messy and vulnerable and my sadness poured out of me and all over him. The sky should have fallen in but it didn’t and he held space for me. He didn’t try to make it go away, he didn’t try to alter it or manage it or fix it … he left it as mine, my feelings… and all he did was hold them and me. WoW, I felt loved, and safe. No one has ever done that for me before… and I’ve never trusted someone that much to be that incredibly vulnerable. The sadness just melted away; it was healing, if that makes sense to you.

We talk in the forums about the bonding through sex. I never once in my whole entire life imagined feeling a bond of love and trust deepen and expand by sobbing over nothing in the arms of a man I love.

Thank you sweetie, for giving me the gift of your love. I’m less afraid (careful) this week than I was last. I'm sure the shirt will wash.
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 56
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:51:42 PM
No, I'm not afraid. To be afraid to love, is to not experience one of the, if not the greatest joys of human nature. It's for us to give others. It's the greatest gift we have to give......it's of ourselves.

If you love someone you give it unconditionally and when it's reciprocated, well, then it's phenominal. I've been there.

I will say that there sometimes seems a need to protect one's heart and some just cannot give of themselves to another completely and trust. This can be difficult for some. There's something that a friend of mine said that I like very much. "Love isn't two halves making a whole, love is two wholes making an entirely new being". I agree with this. In that you must be complete of yourself before you can love someone else.

There are no guarantees in life and never risking your heart to love is never giving yourself a chance to love or feel true love of another.

People are human.......of course ....and sometimes people say things that hurt anothers feelings. But to err is human, to forgive divine.


When you experience this with someone, you learn to take everything that comes with it. Maybe you just haven't experienced this yet, because if you have than everything else would just flow. Both the good and the bad.
This is so true. It all will flow given the chance and taking the time to know each other. There is the bad and in between along with the good. Things don't always run as smoothly and on course as we would like at times. But balance and communication is key of importance. If you cannot communicate your feelings to the other there will not be understanding.
We are all selfish in our own ways, but when you learn to give more than receive it's amazing just how balanced things become. There are portions of us that we will see and find that we never knew existed. We can only see these portions when we learn to give more of ourselves.
And this I can guarantee, you _will_ see and feel once you love someone. It's not about _I_, it's about _us_. There is no "I" in "we". You will see yourself in a grand new way, through the eyes of another.
Giving of your self is very important.
But you must love and like your self first of all?
How can a person trust if they do not trust them self?
Loyalty trust fear and honest are very much linked together.
Very, very important to love and like yourself, trust in yourself. As the above quote states, if a person doesn't trust themselves, they cannot trust another. Learning to trust in another is learning to love another without fear.

Again, if you never take the risk, you will never find what true love really is and that would be a shame. Yes, your heart might get hurt at times, but that's life and it holds no guarantees for anyone. Those who have truly loved someone before know the feeling is like no other.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 58
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:15:18 AM
YES! No, let me rephrase that....HELL YES! Only someone who's already lost their brain is not afraid of that which tends to suck all the brains right out of your head! LOL!
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 60
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:57:31 AM
Am I afraid of love?
Yes, and no.
I love.
I am love.
We are all love.
So, no, not afraid of love itself.
But what has brought fear in me, deep in me, is long ago I felt I loved another deeply, romantically, but when I finally put it in those words, it seemed to curse my relationship and, whether coincidentally or not, it soon started moving towards splitting up.
So, I got superstitious about saying it and, if I'm really honest, I got fearful of allowing myself to feel it also in that personal way exclusively with a special somebody.
It's been a long time healing (and learning to love me) and part of the path has been the opportunities to love many and receive love from many - that sort of universal love....it has helped open my heart again (most of the time) and let me feel loving again and be aware my fear is just fear and not really real at all.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 61
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:13:39 PM
wow is right. i just read it too, not feeling i had time earlier...it really touches the essence of our fear to expose ourselves, especially the stuff some of us are most afraid of others to see....it's almost like his and your love helped release more love and helped you go through your fears to discover an even bigger well of love.

i have no more words, but thank you itsmargo, and funny girl for highlighting her post.

ok, now to go find a tissue for the tears.....
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 71
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/31/2008 5:30:01 PM
So OP, now that you've decided that you're shooting yourself in the foot, and this fear of love is stopping you from the type of relationship that you want, what are you going to do about it? How will you fix it? I love freely, and have mostly dated men who have loved freely, but I think I ran into someone who doesn't. I would like to know if you think you'll be able to fix yourself and ever love?
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 72
Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 5/31/2008 5:54:14 PM
No; I'm not afraid of love.
 afishcalledjack
Joined: 8/5/2005
Msg: 73
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 8/29/2008 7:48:25 PM
No. I'm not afraid of love.

I had a great love once.

The first time, I lost my love to a fear of marriage.

And then I lost that same love...forever...to a rare illness.

When love finds me again, I'll know what to do. "Hang on to your love."

Be brave, fellow fish. Some of the best times lay ahead.

afishcalledjack

Musiq (Soulchild) sings to/about "Love":
> Verse 1:
> Love
> So many things Ive got to tell you
> But Im afraid I dont know how
> Cause theres a possibility
> Youll look at me differently
> Love
> Ever since the first moment I spoke your name
> From then on I knew that by you being in my life
> Things were destined to change cause
>
> Hook:
> Love
> So many people use your name in vain
> Love
> Those have faith in you sometimes go astray
> Love
> Through all the ups and downs the joy and hurt
> Love
> For better or worse I still will choose you first
>
> Verse 2:
> Many days Ive longed for you
> Wanting you
> Hoping for the chance to get to know you
> Longing for your kiss
> For your touch, your feel, your essence
> Many nights Ive cried from the things you do
> Felt like I could die from the thought of losing you
> I know that youre real
> With no doubts and no fears
> And no questions
>
> (hook)
>
> Verse 3:
> At first you didnt mean that much to me
> But now I know that youre all I need
> The world looks so brand new to me
> Now that I found love
> Everyday I live for you
> And everything that I do
> I do it for you
> What I say is how I feel so believe its true
> You got to know Im true
>
> (hook x 2)
 phishkev
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 77
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 10/7/2008 10:01:15 AM
Why give up? Take what you've learned and find the courage to pass it on to that "special someone." Sure, you could settle for tv and the comfort of not dealing with the issues of another, but I'd rather come home to inconveniences than be alone, revelling in my "empty" life...everybody is different-some prefer to "give up."
 jackster121
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 79
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 10/7/2008 11:02:11 AM
there is a funny saying about falling off a cliff, the fall won't hurt you, it's the landing that does you in. I like to be in love, I embrace it. It's the break-up that's the killer.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 82
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 10/7/2008 3:39:26 PM
If you want to know the meaning of LOVE start loving yourself. Were you afraid that there is a tremendous obligation to meet by loving yourself? Having a job,nice house and car, education to improve your line of work ? The underline issue is>>>>> You are afraid if you don't know<<<. If you don't know how to love yourself,then you don't know how to love others.
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 85
Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 4/27/2009 6:28:43 AM
I`agree with what post 110 said.... its the pain i fear so i avoid the thrill as much as I can... wish I could be more fearless!
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 86
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 4/27/2009 9:14:40 PM
No one is afraid of love even you who asked this question. What other people fears is the flip side of love and that is Responsibility and commitment.. No one can love without responsibility and commitment.

If we are looking for love on others for our fulfilment,we can not find it ,what we'll find is frustration, anger, and heartache.
Because love is within us ,it is not without. " It is in giving that we recieve ", so if we give real love or fake love that is what we'll recieve.

In other words we have to love our self with unconditional (real) love before we can love others. It's that simple..........

ps I did not know I already posted an answer msg. 113
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 87
Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 4/28/2009 7:44:31 AM
Vannilli,

I imho have to dissagree ....I have been single a very long time, and I dont 'fall' easily however, when i have, Ive given love but not unconditionally - meaning that I will not accept bad behaviour or abuse ( I have done so with some for a while, until enough is enough) You normally know the real person after several months of dating ( or more so, living with them... and I dont!)

My choice of people have mostly been what anyone else in the outside looking in would describe as professional/healthy/good person/intelligent/well balanced THEN guess what? they turn out to be socially unexceptable (to me) due to drinking/porn/verbal abuse/ emotionally unavailabe/ etc.,
I have "given' wayyy more than Ive ever received. In most of the forums that Ive read, it appears that most women have also given more that they have recieved in Love,

I am afraid to let go because when i do it appears that they change in the most horrible way. I am afraid of Love!
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 89
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Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 4/28/2009 10:46:12 AM
[ forumsgee : I have to dissagree....I have been single a long time,and I dont 'fall easily however ,when I have I've given love but not uncondionally-meaning that I will not accept bad behaviour or abuse ( I have done so with some for a while until enough is enough) You normally know the real person after several months of dating ( or moreso ,living with them.. and I don't!)
Mychoice of people have mostly been what anyone else in the outsice looking in would describe as professional/healthy/good person/intelligent/well balance THEN guess what? they turn out to be socially unexceptable (to me) due to drinking/porn/verbal abuse/emotional unavailable/etc,,. I have given awayy more than I've ever recieved. In most of the that I 've read ,it appears taht most women also givenmore that they have recieved in love, I am afraid to let go because when I do it appears that they change in the most horrible way. * I am afraid of Love...]

Have not meet you but I know that you're a Special and a Beautiful person that you should enjoy the happiness of LOVE.
There is no such thing as real person ( the only real is our feelings at the moment, good or bad) the reality in a person is not time lock, we change all the time in our ways thru connecting with others like the earth is evolving changing seasons like summer,spring,fall, winter, earthquake, epidemics, istorms,etc. war and peace... The only eternal is LOVE within each of us.
Drinking/porn/verbal abuse/ etc.. is an acquired dyfunctional habit, not the person, you bet s/he has love in her/him other wise we did not fall for him/her.
We give permissions on how we are treated by others unconciously, we have the power to stop the person to treat us that will hurt us ,if it needs for us do (metaphor) boxing,karate , etc with him /her . We
should know not to give the power to anyone to break our spirit .... And learn that a weak person don't survive in this jungle of life...... Here is a story: Two guys walk in a bad neighborhood , one got mugged and beaten badly the other is unscathed the two difference between them one is weak in fear that some one will
mug and beat him ,the other walk coccky with self confidence. Please feel free to email me to further this.
Vannili
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