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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > What do you wish you asked for in your custody divorce agreement?      Home login  
Joined: 11/7/2007
Msg: 2
What do you wish you asked for in your custody divorce agreement?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
When my ex and I were finalizing our divorce - I wanted to remain civil and wanted to make sure that our daughters were the focus. I am the custodial parent but left the final orders quite open about visits and communications. That and the verbal agreements we had made, had me believing that WE would be able to raise our girls great even though we were no longer together. Well my intentions proved foolish only 3 months after the divorce. I have now been in court petioning for change of orders and contempt against my ex since Aug. He doesn't see them, doesn't help support them, is verbally abusive - and the court process is a joke that leaves you drained financially and mentally - and can order things "in the best interests of your kids" that make you want to flee the country! So my advice would be to have the intial divorce orders prepared and certified as if you and your ex were never together, and that this was an agreement with a stranger. Because anything that you think they would never do- is exactly what they may do in just a short time. Protect the welfare and interests of your children. It's easier to have a detailed and structured order in place and then bend it yourselves as agreeing co-parents, than the opposite. Good luck - and keep friends close , even if it's just to vent to.
What do you wish you asked for in your custody divorce agreement?
Posted: 1/5/2008 7:56:14 AM
The BEST line that I have in an order with the ex is that we have shared legal custody but in the event of a disagreement, I make the final decision. Talk about a life saver!! Doubt most judges would agree to it but we put it in there in the mediation phase and it stuck. This has been the only thing that has allowed me to get my son the counselling that he needed and eventually a real diagnosis (otherwise I would have needed his father's aproval which just wasn't/isn't happening although we generally have pretty good co-parenting relationship).

I have often heard that it is very helpful to have phone time spelled out, although most standard orders around here say that reasonable hours and that calls are to be returned as soon as possible. It is a hard one to enforce but best to have things in writing when in doubt.

Another line that some really like is that no overnight guests are permitted in the presence of the co-habitating outside of marriage... or something like that.

Another hard one to enforce but best to have in writing is that each parent is responsible for not allowing anyone to alienate the other family/parent. It should be right in the order... That means if grandma or grandpa can't keep their mouths shut about what a jerk the ex is, they need to be avoided with the child though. It is simply a good co-parenting practice that should be obvious but sadly isn't.

Someone else mentioned paying for activities, but what about the activities themselves? I can take my child to baseball practice 3 days a week but if they miss their game every other weekend, they aren't being a good team member and will most likely not get the oppertunity to play...

And finally, there should be something in writing about parties not being allowed to utilize coperal punishment if that is something that is important. It shouldn't be a question...

The order needs to be all enclusive. Don't think about the person that your partner was but think about what he/she could be either for better or worse...and then plan for those situations. Also, think about who your child will become. Stipulations when dealing with a 2 year old are very different then those dealing with a 12 year old (the plan can be changed but think about the future now and save the headache if possible). Parents who are great at co-parenting a year or 2 after the divorce can decide to throw it out the window as soon as they get a new partner, or have another child... or the child gets older and more difficult to deal with. Both sides need to protect themselves, their rights, and the rights and safety of their child!

Good luck!
What do you wish you asked for in your custody divorce agreement?
Posted: 1/5/2008 8:08:50 AM
Oh, one more thing, reminded by another post here...I have seen stipulated that only the natural parents will be allowed to be called mom or dad. If this is something that is important to you, speak up in the beginning! It is too late when they have already convinced the child to call the person by another name... or that it is ok if they do...
What do you wish you asked for in your custody divorce agreement?
Posted: 1/5/2008 8:33:48 AM
OOOH Kynnie... I can really see people abusing those if they get them. That is really sad though because I can only imagine that they are excellent clauses if needed...
Joined: 1/2/2008
Msg: 6
What do you wish you asked for in your custody divorce agreement?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:15:28 AM
Well, just to let you know, yes you can call the cops, and they WILL enforce the order set forth by the court, as long as you have a certified copy of the court order on you. So the best advice I could possibly give is to get every minute order and the final agreement set by the judge certified by the court, you can get that usually in the clerks office.
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 8
What do you wish you asked for in your custody divorce agreement?
Posted: 1/9/2008 12:51:57 PM
im going through this crap right now.... if there is any verbal abuse or ourbursts of anger or false allegations from his side that are noted and ducuments then you have evidence that can be used aganst him. The thing I would change or wish no more weekly visits..its too disruptive and they harldy spend time with him that night anyways!!

in most canadian court cases joint custody and joint gaurdianship are granted. Primary residence are almost always with the mother. Access visits are mostly every second weekend with the father. Important decicions are discusssed but the final word is mine. With CS.. make it very clear you know his income every year...and have a date on paper like the first or the 15th ect. They will screw you and pay you whenever they friggen want just to piss you off.

Holidays are very important and we fought in court over that issue. No judge will allow the other parent to have the kids over the entire xmas holiday like he wanted. Thats ridiculous!!! It has to be split and agreed to. Make it crystal clear too as to who can pick up the kids from school as well. My ex thinks he can pick anyone he wants to get them...over my dead body. The school will not release your children if the mother who has primary custody says otherwise. They need a lawyers note or a call from the mother saying this person can pick up ect. The school can be sued if the contact card doesnt have a pickup person on it and the kids go off with someone else.

alwasy always make sure you school contact card is updated and only has the ppl allowed to pick up period!! if gramma ect has to...then call in or write a note!!!!
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