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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Would her actions be justifiable?      Home login  
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 sarasotagal76
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 1
Would her actions be justifiable?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
This morning I was talking on the phone with my mom. She told be that my childhood friend who is 29 y. o. is 8 months pregnant. She has dated that guy for about 1.5 years and got pregnant on purpose. He said he is not ready to have kids. She wanted a biological baby and felt it was the right time for her. She doesn’t have intentions in to put him on a birth certificate and claim child support payments.

She is doing well financially and her family does also financially as well. Her parents offer her a lot of emotional/time support in raising the child in case she needs it. She will be moving to a parents’ house for the first several months after the delivery and they will be helping her. After that there will be a part-time nanny. After she told him that she was pregnant he was out of the picture completely and cut any possible communication with her.

Do you think her actions are justifiable? Did she have the right to get pregnant on purpose knowing that she with some help from her family (if necessary) will be able to raise that child?
 mariacba
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 2
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/19/2008 3:22:37 PM
Very nice thread.
I am not the right person to judge. I seems women feel differently as regards motherhood.I was one at a time in which i have to decide wheteher I wanted a biological child or not.I was alone. The answer was that I wouldn't have a baby if I didn't have my partner. It seems to me to have a child on my own was an act of selfishness on my part. I love children so much I don't desire them to suffer for my decision.So I didn't have a child. And if I had had a strong desire to have a child I would adopt him/her Or perhpas i would have met a partner with children and helped him to to bring them up . That was my thought when my biological time came.
(Sorry brandentoncutie,my English is not very good because I am Argentiian, hope the answer is clear)
mariacba
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 3
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/19/2008 3:36:10 PM
Well it does not matter whether her actions are
justifiable or not now- does it. There is a little life
that is going to come into the world and that should be the focus-
not finger pointing or she said/he said - making a good life for that little
life should be her primary concern and if she has the means to do it alone
then she needs to make her plan without justifying her actions or
explaining to "friends" and "stangers" why she chose to do what she did.
Its done.
 kwh56
Joined: 8/7/2007
Msg: 4
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Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/19/2008 4:05:32 PM
Sorry to be so blunt...But that woman is a dumb a**! I know all you usually hear is about the men that are bad Dads but in general I think most men want to be with their children. I can only presume that this guy is going to want to see and be with his child and this could be a big mess! I know the toughest thing in my life was when my wife of 23 years decided she wanted a divorce for some reason. My kids mean more than anything in the world to me. Only being with my kids every other weekend was really tough! I was fortunate in that my ex went off the deep end and hit the bottle real hard after her Mom died of terminal cancer. 2 of the 4 kids ran from her and the youngest 2 she told them she was sick of them and didnt want them in her house anymore...Go live with your dad! That was the best thing in the world thats ever happened to me!
 sarasotagal76
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 5
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/19/2008 4:52:31 PM
The OP is back.


I do not know the details how exactly she got pregnant and what contraception method they have used. I would guess that many women will not like an idea of a sperm bank because they may concernt with the genetics factor... I think most normal guys are not going to donate their sperm to a sperm bank. You may get some sort of mentally sick person who is on drugs and afraid that bad genetics will kick in in your kid....
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 6
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:56:37 PM
Yes, but I don't know why she wouldn't just go to a sperm bank. Guys make donations for just her purposes. That way she wouldn't have had to dupe a guy... even though she's got no plans to stick him with support payments or make him take part in anyway.. that's still pretty nasty.
 Nachogirlfriend
Joined: 5/24/2007
Msg: 7
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:58:47 PM
It is borderline crimimnal.... she used this man to father her child, she planned it.
Now this man ,whether he likes it or not ,is a biological father. If he has the desire to be a father to him or her, he has legal recourse , but that is a lengthy process and can be quite expensive.

I hate to even call her a woman ...... she orchestrated robbing a father from a child and a child from their father, even before the baby arrives. She has no heart. A lifetime of father's days, wedding days , and graduations,,,,,she'll hurt too in the longrun.
~T~
 SwampHunter
Joined: 6/1/2007
Msg: 10
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 7:59:05 AM
I love threads like this. They remind me that there are a LOT of women running around out there that I need to be VERY, VERY afraid of - like the one you were talking about who got pregant, as well as several others who have posted here.

Thanks for keeping me on my toes OP.

Mark
 cowboyrusty
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 11
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 8:07:01 AM
I dont see where its anybodys busness thats whats wrong with people Its not there place to judge . I think your friend made a choice and its hers not these IDIOTS. I myself thinks its great she was big enough to make the choices SHE made. AND the boyfriend your beterof with out him he abaddon you and his child says alot about him.Dosent it
 cowboyrusty
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 12
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 8:08:25 AM
I dont see where its anybodys busness thats whats wrong with people Its not there place to judge . I think your friend made a choice and its hers not these IDIOTS. I myself thinks its great she was big enough to make the choices SHE made. AND the boyfriend your beteroff without him he abaddon you and his child says alot about him.Dosent it
 tchofclas
Joined: 12/24/2005
Msg: 13
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Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 9:14:01 AM
I am not saying I agree with what this girl did, but in reference to msg 12, and other comments about single parenting, if it is such a bad thing, why are single parents allowed to adopt children now? And as far as condoms for birth control, there are plenty of people who used them who are now parents, my son was one of them. Abstinence, or snip and clip are about the only 100 % guarantees I know of if you really don't want children!
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 14
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Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 9:22:51 AM
OP, I remember you recently posted about a girlfriend who was "obsessed with being a mommy." I'll assume this is the same woman, and her obsession took over any common sense she might have had. Absolutely she took advantage of this guy by not being honest with him, and her actions are indefensible. But as the post above suggests, she is being even more unfair to her child, by depriving that child of a willing and participating father. The fact is, just because she says now she doesn't want or need any help from this guy, legally he is responsible for some financial support, and entitled to be a part of his child's life. I hope he has enough character to make sure he is a part of his child's life, in spite of the deception on the mother's part, and over any objections she might have.
 sarasotagal76
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 15
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 2:23:07 PM
OP is back. Interesting but it is actually not the first time I have heard that story. I have deated a guy back in college and his mom did the same thing with her live-in BF. She wanted a biological child badly and got pregnant from that guy. The guy has vanished shortly after that and she pretty much raised my ex BF on her own.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 16
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 2:49:52 PM
If a woman so desperately wants to have her "own" biological child and doesn't care to use the services of a sperm bank, it's inconscionable (spelling?) to use (steal?) without permission (that is stealing IMO) any man's sperm without his express consent.

Women, just by the sake of being women have no MORAL (yeah, I used that word) or ETHICAL right to use covert means to rob a man of his biological right to father or not father a child. Whether he does or doesn't want to be involved in that child's life.

If I ever had found myself in that position, I'd not only make sure it was with express consent and permission, you betcha I'd have an attorney involved to draw up the appropriate paperwork and everything be in place before conception of an innocent human being was even attempted.

UGH...obviously some people shouldn't be parents, it galls me to even know what people will do to get what they want. A purely selfish motive with no consideration of the impact on other people's lives. With any luck, she'll end up being infertile.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 17
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 3:24:21 PM
"Or perhaps he had a vasectomy so he is unable to have children." Just an FYI, but a married man has to have the written consent of the spouse before the doctor will perform the procedure.
 Verzen
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 18
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 3:32:23 PM
I never knew that all extremely poor people were mentally ill... Ive never done it myself, but it's a good way to make good money to help pay off your credit card. Plus it helps families in need if they cannot conceive. It's a win win situation.
 4408joseph
Joined: 1/10/2008
Msg: 19
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Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 3:33:59 PM
Actually sounds selfish to me...

Oh look, here's me new car... That's my college degree on the wall, Here's my 1936 World Series Signed baseball.. Oh, and Here's my son "I" wanted , with or w/o a Father



Just an FYI, but a married man has to have the written consent of the spouse before the doctor will perform the procedure.


WHAT? where (country and/or state) would that be.....???
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 20
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 3:59:08 PM
"WHAT? where (country and/or state) would that be.....???"

It was the law when my ex had his vasectomy in 1987 in Florida. I've read other threads recently that said the same, so I would take it that it's still the law in the US and fairly common. I was just speaking from a personal experience myself.
 DDay555
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 21
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Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 5:50:25 PM
I'm reading this thread in utter disbelief... The Child is going to be the Victim of this situation in the long run.

Here you have a male that admitted that he wasn't ready (mature?) to have children. Then you have a female that THINKS she's ready (even more immature), and she intentionally gets pregnant. That's deceptive to say the least. Obviously SHE isn't ready to teach a child any sort of values and morals.

Back to the male, who freaks out and runs away, the female isn't going to list the father on the Birth Certificate, needs parental support and isn't planning on nurturing the child as it should be.

WTF??? Am I crazy or does this sound like BOTH parents need their right to reproduce revoked pending some maturity???

This poor child is going to get f'k in the long run and both parents are being so selfish.. Makes you kind of wish for forced sterlization... And I'm usually the LAST person to say something like that...

There's nothing even remotely responsible on either of their parts so don't judge one, judge them both...

Pray for the child...
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 22
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Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/20/2008 7:10:24 PM
This behaviour is extraordinarily selfish. OP you know a very interesting group of people.

What's the explanation going to be when the child asks where his or her father is? That he didn't want 'you' is my bet.

Well, let’s hope not, as that would be psychologically damaging to the child. Extremely so. Bad enough not to have a father at all… MUCH worse to think he didn’t want you.

I want to ask the men this, if a woman approached you with this proposition of fathering her child...no strings attached, how many of you would be willing to do this?

I’m not a guy, but I would imagine ZERO… there is no such thing as “no string attached”, as they would be on the hook for child support for the next 18+ years. Even if she offered to waive it in writing… you cannot contract away a child’s right to support.

I would guess that many women will not like an idea of a sperm bank because they may concernt with the genetics factor...

Right now she has much, much less of an idea of genetics OR history. With a sperm bank (which would screen for drug use among other things... and university students who are broke not mentally deficient are frequent donors) at least she would get some idea of the family medical history on the paternal side. This child will go through life with no idea if diabetes, stroke, cancer – and a million other things run on the other side of the family.
 quietcowboy
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 24
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Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/21/2008 9:33:31 AM
I have to admit to not reading many of the other post hear so please excuse me. I don't have a problem with what she is doing. Hopefully she did it with eyes wide open - she knows what it will take to be a single mom. I think that she at least had the guts to admit that she did what she did, I think many don't. Hopefully, even if she doesn't want child support or any parenting from her male "friend" she will let him become part of the child's life if he is fit and willing.
 sarasotagal76
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 25
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/21/2008 1:35:11 PM
The OP is back...
I am not a strong believer that if people have a proper knowledge about contraception they can get pregnant by accidents (unless it is a very special development). I started to have sex in Europe and we use double protection a boy wears a condom a girl is on a pill.

It surpises me how many individuals have children out of wedlock. I would think that the majority and of course there are some exceptions will choose to marry, get wed or at least live together as domestic partners before they choose to have a child.

Pretty much all parents who had a kid when those 3 above things were not met believe years later that they made the right decision and great parents. I believe that they (with a very very small exceptions) either haven't taken the contraception seriously or made it on purpose.
 LER65
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 26
Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/21/2008 1:40:38 PM
I think it is down right wrong. Two male friends have had girlfriends in the past year make up fake pregnancy stories to try to keep them. If she has no children she has no idea of the time/financial and other needs that come with raising a child. She also robbed her child from having a father.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 29
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Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:13:42 PM
As you say, why would a woman want to spend her 'entire monogamous relationship insisting her partner use a condom'? Well, in NOT insisting on it, if the pill is so ineffective, isn't it the same as her CHOOSING to get pregnant or at the very least throwing the dice and letting fate decide whether or not conception occurs?

Well, shoving aside the "ugly group" who are into "entrapment" for a moment... (and forever and a day I will not forget a former gf of my brother's who confessed to me she had stopped taking the pill and was putting holes in the condoms... AND naively expected I wouldn't tell him out of "girl's club" loyalty pffft... yeah right).

Speculation on not insisting on it might be... they feel fairly secure that THEY are in the 99.9% group because, as wise women who take it responsibly, "it's not gonna happen to me".

I was on the pill and always felt I was a bit excessively paranoid for ALSO practicing a type of "reverse rhythm" method of wrapping or abstaining on the fertile days each month. I really, really did not want kids - thought I was missing "the mum gene".

umm, iago, crap, I'M one of those accidental pregnancies while on the pill. Thank heavens! I doubt I would have had a kid were it not for that... and my life would be so much the less were it not for the wonder of my daughter. (If you are wondering what happened to the reverse rhythm method... math error... my husband & I "did the math" twice before doing the deed... oops).

Edit to add... BTW... after-the-fact, the Dr. told me it was likely migraine medication that messed up the pill's effectiveness... also a prescribed drug... perhaps the medical profession doesn't do an adequate job of informing people about these dangers?


Oh, oh, oh... I just remembered a different sort of confession... a fellow joked that he switched around the pills in his wife's container... so there were sugar pills on the fertile days. I have always wondered if he was REALLY joking.

People are strange, no?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 30
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Would her actions be justifiable?
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:21:55 PM
Miss a day, take it at the wrong time, throw up, eat the wrong things that interfere with absorption, interference from other medication... there's lot's of things that can "unknowingly" go wrong.

But, as Nomadic said, this woman didn't HAVE an accidental pregnancy... she was quite deliberate. Abhorrently so IMO.
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