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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Please define feeling the magic      Home login  
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 kevinmach
Joined: 3/29/2007
Msg: 4
Please define feeling the magicPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I am not sure you can define it in a forum. I think it's a bunch of a little abstract qualities that make up attraction, that could be broken down through self exploration if someone was really so inclined (i.e. finding the exact logical reasons you are attracted to someone). But that's different for each person.

For most people, it's like mixed drink. Most people are going to taste it and know whether or not they really like it. But even if they like it, it doesn't mean they're going to be able to tell you what they like about it, or what exactly is in it.

Yes, I do think that women in particular, are socialized to believe in fairy tales, princesses, and Hollywood notions of a magical life at a very young age, in much the same men are with women who look like Playmate models. And the reality is, you're unlikely to find absolute perfection within humanity.

Even the very notions of "chemistry" and "magic" vary depending on the length of time you're talking about in the relationship. The one it sounds like you're referring to is the long term magic where people spend the rest of their lives together. I've seen couples who been together a long time who are very much in love, but I doubt most of them would describe it as magical. When the butterflies are gone, there is work involved in maintaining a relationship as people grow-people don't say the stay the same, and long term happiness does not happen by accident.

The other type is the "chemistry" word that people tend to throw around as a code word for being physically attracted to a another (I think it's used more by the girls, whereas guys will just be more literal about it). Just take a look at the forum posts to see evidence of people who clicked wonderfully on the phone, only to meet and never had a second date and no more contact, along with a date that lasted all of 30 minutes. Attraction is part of chemistry, I don't deny that. But it's doubtful in these cases it all just instantly disappeared- the physical attraction wasn't there, so rather sound superficial, people say there is "no chemistry". In other words, to complicate matters even more, the word is used and abused.
 SLAFFA
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 5
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 1/21/2008 4:40:47 PM
OP, the problem lies in the fact that so many here have their own definition of Chemistry and just what it means. I am thoroughly convinced that most Fish here would define Chemistry as meeting someone who was decent looking enough and had not lied in their pics, profile or emails/phone calls. Someone who would look them in the eye, had manners, was not smelly or offensive in some way and could hold a decent conversation. Someone "good enough"... to see again.

It CAN mean to some, just meeting someone you find very physically attracted to [and them to you] and both are willing to hit the sheets sooner rather than later. Or it can be REAL Chemistry - pheromones - telling us that this person is a great GENETIC match for you [and has ZERO to do with likes, morals, compatibility or anything else] and that IF you have offspring [kids] with this peson, they [offspring] would have a great chance to survive. It is simply EVOLUTION telling you to "get" with this person. [And hopefully have babies] This is a good match for you. Real Chemistry is not necessarily Electricity or spark or smacked in the face although it often is! It can be quite subtle at times [at least for me] and your "mind" just gives you a feeling that there is "something" different or better about THIS person and I really would Like to see THIS person again. Once you have had this happen to you, it is almost impossible to pursue any other relationships without that "feeling". Hope that helps.
 Ignoble
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 7
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History
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 1/21/2008 9:10:09 PM
RE: First place.

"Feeling the magic." Is just something people pretend, because it gives you status in society. Thats why women are so eager to go around telling their girlfriends that "We're so in love!" or "He's my soulmate!" Its like a badge of honor to them. Thats all it is. So if a guy says that I just find them shallow. ^_^

***NOTE

I had a gf once who's nickname was Magic. She also had a tendency to speak of herself in the third person which invariably led to comments such as "Feeling the magic." from her while we were making out or otherwise entangled. Ahhh, memories. ^_^
 kevinmach
Joined: 3/29/2007
Msg: 8
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 1/21/2008 9:50:56 PM
Brithwen, I thought your list was pretty realistic for the most part, and at least it sounds like you know what you're looking for, rather than just an abstract concept-which I think it is for a lot of people.

But you said something I think is totally accurate, even if possibly a little hypocritical.


And I would rather be single than settling for anything less than I feel I need or want. Will I be alone forever? Perhaps. But that is the choice/risk I make/take.


It's hypocritical in the sense that you mention compromise on your "must have" list, and to follow it with a statement like this sounds pretty uncompromising. But I think you've accurately stated what lot of people fail to understand. A persons unwillingness to compromise on what they're looking for is directly proportional to the amount of effort and the amount of time they will remain single. You clearly understand this. The tough part for the average POFer is trying to find out when things are "good enough". Sometimes, you have more than you realize sitting right there in front of you.
 Ignoble
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 9
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History
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:01:41 PM
I dont know how I overlooked that Hunter83. Well said.
 kevinmach
Joined: 3/29/2007
Msg: 10
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:18:28 PM

I guess it is actually kind of a vague statement.


It's the vagueness I suppose I was referring to-that the rest of what you were looking for was very clearly defined, but that one element was at odds with your final statement.

If I am honest, I guess the only real reason I pointed out the inconsistency (awaiting your clarification, of course), was that the guys see this on a lot of girls profiles: WILL NOT SETTLE. Over and over again. And it's exactly that type of comment that has the guy thinking "this girl is looking for the fairly tale, and probably isn't going to be very realistic and not worth the effort" (which is ironic, because it's exactly the concept of a fairy tale that we're discussing here)

But I do agree there are some things that are probably idea to compromise on. We have to pick our battles, I guess.
 toolbelt46
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 11
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Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:00:01 AM
""I have a question for men mostly but some of you ladies might be able to shed some insight. When a man tells you that you are everything he wants, and it's all there except "the magic", what exactly is that?""


"magic is what seperates friends from lovers!!"
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 12
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:42:10 AM

Have you ever found someone so perfect for you that all the right stuff was there, and really wanted to make "feel it" but just couldn't find a way to make the "magic" happen, and were too aware of the absence of this ingredient to give it your commitment?


I see this quote from women over and over and over again. And the interesting thing is, that it is usually the women that want to Just be best friends with the guy that ends up in this predicament. The story happens by the numbers so much it is ridiculous. So my answer to the OP is, yes you should have felt the magic, but that time is gone and you will never get it with that person. Why? It is called Attraction, and attraction is not a choice, it is something that taps in our primitive minds instead of our rational ones and triggers something intense and special.

Now, this is what happened. You put up this emotional wall and when the guy got there, he said to you, okay, I wait for you to put the wall down. Unfortunately, by doing that, he failed a test and that is the male ability to break through and connect. So by agreeing to wait, he forfeited his chance to spark that magic. Now, you both got to a stage where you are feeling a lot of emotions for each other, but they are rational emotions. Now both your walls are down, but because the irrational mind was never stimulated, more than likely never will.

Could you turn it around? More than likely not. But here's a game you should try playing that me and my girlfriend play, just for fun. Go to a bar or a restaurant and sit away from each other. Watch other men, make moves on you. Have your SO approach you, and try to pick you up. Have some fun, be slutty if you may, or hard to get. Assume another persona.

The whole object of the exercise is to get you outside of your rational self into the emotional self, thus allowing your self to trigger and connect again with some of those raw emotions.

If you still can't find the magic, dump the guy and move on.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 14
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 1/22/2008 4:17:12 PM

In other words, it's like a High Octane Fuel required to run your romantic love engine. When you kiss, you either get all goose bumpily with fireworks going off inside your head ... or it makes your nipples explode with delight ...


Ya. Been there. Got the wet T-shirt, lol!

What I AM curious about is: does anyone *really* expect that to *last*?

What I'm in just now doesn't have that 4th of July aspect that I have felt with others in the past, but which shows every sign of becoming a 12 magnitude on the Richter Scale. And I'm ready and willing to wait as that happens. And enjoying every minute of it. . . .


 Beholder
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 15
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History
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 1/22/2008 10:55:06 PM

"the magic" is when you can't wait to get home. I have been in relationships where I would rather be at work...magic seems to be present in many relationships in the beginning then fizzle when your ideals fade when you realize what you wanted was not in that person or ever could be. You can`t really change someone so you have to find the magic, or special connection.
Yeah that pretty much sums up one of the huge problems with dating today (I'm blathering about it in other threads too, but whatever).

The "magic" is never going to be a permanent state - you might be giddy every time you see your new partner, but eventually that'll fade. If you assume there's something wrong with that (and subsequently wrong with them), you're going to be at it forever. If you toss them aside to look again for "the magic", you'll just end up repeating the cycle later.

Expecting to find a person who can keep you in a permanent state of utter euphoria is ridiculous. Finding someone who makes you happy however, isn't.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 16
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History
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 1/23/2008 11:52:34 AM
I think that magic shows up in your face. It shines ... and you bet that everybody notices it.
Face is the reflection of your inner happiness.
 nycdoctor
Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 18
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 3/11/2008 9:30:13 AM
They are looking for chemisty that doesn't exist
 Goldengirl2
Joined: 10/30/2003
Msg: 19
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History
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 3/11/2008 9:51:44 AM

It CAN mean to some, just meeting someone you find very physically attracted to [and them to you] and both are willing to hit the sheets sooner rather than later. Or it can be REAL Chemistry - pheromones - telling us that this person is a great GENETIC match for you [and has ZERO to do with likes, morals, compatibility or anything else] and that IF you have offspring [kids] with this peson, they [offspring] would have a great chance to survive. It is simply EVOLUTION telling you to "get" with this person. [And hopefully have babies] This is a good match for you. Real Chemistry is not necessarily Electricity or spark or smacked in the face although it often is! It can be quite subtle at times [at least for me] and your "mind" just gives you a feeling that there is "something" different or better about THIS person and I really would Like to see THIS person again. Once you have had this happen to you, it is almost impossible to pursue any other relationships without that "feeling". Hope that helps


Very inspiring SLAFFA
 contrary110
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 20
Please define feeling the magic
Posted: 3/11/2008 11:26:21 AM
Probably what already has been said, another word for chemistry, the butterflies,...just not in love with you. You were probably perfect on paper, a "catch", but there was still something missing. For a while that seems ok, you wait for it to grow, and then you realize you want "more". It seems so hard, I'm with a guy who "on paper" isn't right for me, but the magic is there. I believe in magic.
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