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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton      Home login  
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 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 1
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competitonPage 1 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
Just recently had a girl decide not to even meet me after we had become very close via IM's, emails, and phone calls. Of course, you experienced guys know that ANYTHING can be made into an excuse when a woman gets cold feet. And there are many women who have experienced the same. The problem I've had with at least 1/2 of the women I've met recently is that they refuse to accept the mother of my children as being one of my very best friends and that there is absolutely nothing going on or ever will go on between us. We've been life long friends and to me it's like she is an undesirable sister that I sometimes feel sorry for. Her husband and I are good buds and get along fine and our children really love the fact that we do have such a friendship. I would think absolutely nothing of spending the night at her house if I just needed a place to stay or was having some kind of problem that I could not deal with or just wanted someone to talk to. However, so many people want to read more into the relationship than is really there. I mean...this woman comes to my place and hangs out for days at a time (I live on a lake where it's good fishing and the type of place that people love to come to visit just to be here). Her husband pays no attention to it and is fine with it. There is absolutely nothing going on between us other than old friends. We give each other good bye hugs after family Christmas parties and do not hide those. Most people find it hard to believe that we get along the way we do and our friendship has gotten in the way of several possible relationships. My past experience and serious relationship was strained and practically ruined because she didn't want the ex in our house. However, since that time my ex has become more important to me as a family member. I'm now feeling that if some woman doesn't want me associating with her in the manner I've chosen then it's the same as if she doesn't want to associate with my family at all and this woman is a part of my family and we take great pride in being able to have this kind of friendship. One girl I dated met her at a few of the family get togethers and they became very close friends and still call to check on each other from time to time or just chat. As a matter of fact, I didn't burn that bridge either and that girl is still a good friend also but simply not one I'd want to spend the rest of my life with..... so... what say you?
 oceancowgirl9
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 2
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 11:17:06 AM
Listen if she is truly a women and confident of her self she also could be come a freind of your lovers x Its normal to at least to share some things with your man ,and as long as she doesnt come up in everyday conversation for weeks I think its safe to say he wont go back there Its all forward .....Now if you smell her cologne on him then youll know hes a little to close and visiting the kids wasnt his only agenda
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 3
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 11:31:01 AM
I don't think anything of bringing her up in day to day conversations any more or any different than I would any other friend. It is and has been nothing for me to pick up the phone and call her to talk about kids or ask how her arthritis is or ask about her brother or anything else....or just to b!tch about somebody/something in general. My kids are building apartments onto my home for vacation homes and she's involved in that...so, that's even more kindling for the fire when potential dates decide to find excuses for cold feet or not wanting to get involved with me. Of course, the best thing is avoid it in conversation at all costs until the prospect gets to know me and see what the whole deal is here and how my family functions. My birth family has pretty much gone separate ways and we have little to do with each other so my kids and my ex are pretty much all I have left of family now. But, it's definitely not such a relationship in which another woman should see it as competition or a threat in any way.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 4
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 11:41:17 AM
Hey Sweetfeet... too bad your settings don't allow me to email you... I've already got those jet ski's.... only 5 of them at the moment..... like everything else that gets aged, a bit difficult to keep running.

ALBINO DINO... the boundry IS STATED... she is no closer than a sister...just a friend. As for running to her when my heart has been shattered... maybe for conversation but not running to bed. I'd run from her if she even suggested that I get any closer than we are. I totally enjoy it when she shows friendship with a girlfriend of mine.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 5
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 12:14:37 PM
I have had men bow out because of insecurity over my continued friendship with a former SO. I will never live what that man again (no way), but he does remain a part of my extended family.

If people put boundaries on one area of your life, they will put boundaries on other areas. I am too old for that type of silliness.
 nocalsingledad
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 6
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 12:22:38 PM
The problem I've had with at least 1/2 of the women I've met recently is that they refuse to accept the mother of my children as being one of my very best friends and that there is absolutely nothing going on or ever will go on between us.


Yup. There are a lot of self-centered, jealous, immature people out there who can not stand it if you are even friendly with someone of the opposite gender let alone someone who you have been intimate with in the past. It's better to let those go because they would be nothing but drama for the rest of your life anyway.


ADDED: Also, they are tipping off how any relationship with you is going to end. They aren't likely to be friendly with any of THEIR ex's and they aren't going to be friendly with you either. Their past relationships have all probably exploded and bridges completely burned behind them.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 7
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 12:25:14 PM

i wouldn't have stood for that at all...


Ultimatums are death knolls for relationships. They don't stop. When someone gives in to an ultimatum, he/she always resents it.
 nocalsingledad
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 8
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 1:12:18 PM
but to just be friends and chit-chat on the phone, go over to her place & stay the night occasionally - THAT'S TOTALLY WRONG!!!


Are you serious? A man can not be friends with an ex lover even if they are no longer lovers? That is the most moronic thing I have read all week on the entire internet and it is Thursday already.


I have A LOT of self-esteem, but there are limits to EVERYTHING in life!


Including sanity, apparently.


You say that you think of her as a "sister", but that could CHANGE at any time & this does happen in real life.


Yup and people get struck by lightning on golf courses too, but people still golf. It happens but it isn't very likely to happen and with each passing month it becomes less likely to happen ... in other words, if it was going to happen it probably already would have and the longer it goes without happening, the more likely it won't happen. Just because you think it is likely to happen doesn't mean it really is likely. The way that reads, you seem to think that because it is *possible* then it is probable. I disagree. Strongly.


I've heard of stories where someone said that this person or that person was just a "friend", but then they end up in bed together - simply because they were going through a stressful time & needed someone to TALK to.


So I suppose you would be against one having ANY close friends of the opposite gender except for you, then, right? Because the potential exists that they could possibly sometime have sex if he is stressed out. Are people in relationships with you often under severe emotional stress?


You need to STOP being SELFISH & SELF-CENTERED


No, actually, smileyface34, you are the one who appears to be selfish and self-centered here. You don't get to say who other people have relationships with or what those are. You are free, however, to set boundaries on your OWN relationships.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 9
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 1:27:49 PM
Thanks Cindy... definitely a very unique relationship I am VERY proud of... and I'm rather amused at that one particular lady who thinks I'm going back to my ex when someone else breaks my heart... we're both 55 and it hasn't happened in almost 25 years! So, looks like some folks just need to get real with their own lives and learn that love is more than just a good f'ck....
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 10
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 1:59:44 PM
This is almost humorous smileyface that you are so adamant on this issue. For me, there's no way I'd give up my friends and family for a relationship with a woman. She's going to be number one in my life and in all aspects of my life if I love her, but I'm not going to destroy my relationship with people I've known for over 50 years or with my children for any one. That's like having to give up my life or my job or my dog or something ... like ya know, like telling some friggin' sports fanatic he can't watch football any more if he's going to date you. And, I promise you... every sports nut I know will tell you to go to hell before they'll give up watching Alabama football... it just don't happen...it's a way of life down here (for most people), I just happen to be one of those weird-o's who knows nothing about spectator sports.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 11
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 3:34:42 PM
Believe me...I'm familiar with Smiley's form on this issue. I was hoping that some input would be given as to how to address this when introducing my family structure to a prospective date. But, yes, Smiley is absolutely correct that I am adamant in maintaining my family and friends the way they are. If I were 16 or even 20 it may be different. I'm55, soon to be 56 and very interested in meeting people, making friends, getting a little nookie now and then, and all those adult things....but to change my whole world just for a date or even a serious relationship is ridiculous. The big question to me is how to approach the idea and introduce my family to a date with Smiley's attitude???? and not lose that person's interest.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 12
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 3:47:36 PM
Lisa... I would agree with the 2 or 3 day issue if I were living in an apartment or house in a community and she were just down the street...that isn't the case here. My own experience is that I just introduce her as a "friend of the family" and once everyone has gotten acquainted and they see how we act around each other it becomes more understood that we are actually only friends and it's definitely a family relationship and not a husband/wife or gf/bf relationship. Quite interesting response tho'.... definitely appreciated. I'm always amazed at the closed mindedness and suspiciousness of people...and many are amazed at our relationship. They think we're crazy as hell when I have a date and her and her husband go out with us to eat or to some kind of banquet and we all sit together and cut up...it's always a lot of fun....
 nocalsingledad
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 13
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 4:33:22 PM

I see no reason smiley should be chastised for her beliefs on this.its the way she feels


I do. Smiley didn't present it as a feeling. It was presented as an absolute judgment. There was no "in my opinion" or "in my relationships" ... it was an absolute judgment that it was absolutely wrong for someone to maintain friendly relations with an ex because *smiley* determined that it *might* be possible *someday* for them to have sex. Well, it might be possible for someone to someday have sex with the neighbor lady too, or any other female friend. What Smiley appeared to be saying was that it was wrong to have close friendships with any female at all because in a time of stress, sex might happen or something.

Smiley is wrong when it comes to an absolute judgment. Many people ARE able to have healthy, normal friendships with ex lovers. Projecting one's own experiences or feelings onto the entire world probably isn't all that useful.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 14
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 5:06:36 PM
I think it's more than likely a good thing if you can maintain a healthy relationship particularly with someone you had children with. It does take two...so sometimes it's not always possible.

I wouldn't worry about those who have a problem with it, rather just know that some women will see it as a positive. And good on you for setting such a wonderful example for those gifts from God that you're both raising together.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 15
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 5:17:24 PM

I'm still waiting for OP to answer my previous msg (#43) - about just having intimate encounters with women.


Well, since you're inquiring about my sex life...it's fine. If I was just going out with some slut for nookie then I wouldn't be dragging her up here with family around. Despite all the trashy experiences I've been through in life I've got a smidgen of pride and principles. Fortunately I've never had to lower my standards to date trash or pick up prostitutes and pretty well stick to meaningful relationships. So, to answer that question that's nagging in the back of your mind... I'm clean and HIV negative... and to my knowledge I am not a carrier of HSV2....
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 16
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 5:49:52 PM
Sorry mam... I completely misunderstood you to mean that I should have random nookie and just walk out and pick up a woman... I didn't know that all I had to do was just go get one. I must be doing something wrong since finding a good woman I'm actually attracted to enough to hang out with for long periods of time seems to be a challenge. For some odd reason I got on the internet, got bored with hitting on women with pretty pictures and started running my mouth on the forums... at least I'm being entertained and my head is coming around to being in line with other forum type people...not that anyone here is actually normal or has a life outside of the internet world...
Myself... I'd be bored to death if I was "NORMAL"....
 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 17
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 6:33:11 PM
The OP keeps saying he's doing something wrong, but is obviously not doing anything DIFFERENT to change that situation...

I agree with smileyface and don't think the OP has taken his own thread seriously. If the OP doesn't like the answers, he might wanna take stock in them.... because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

The OP, by his own words has said it's not working... but refuses to change anything. It's a take it or leave it, and for the past 25 years...???.... they've been leaving it! ????

So quit your whining and live with it, or change your thinking and get back to us.

For some odd reason I got on the internet, got bored with hitting on women with pretty pictures and started running my mouth on the forums... at least I'm being entertained and my head is coming around to being in line with other forum type people...not that anyone here is actually normal or has a life outside of the internet world...
Myself... I'd be bored to death if I was "NORMAL"....

Or just stay as you are.... alone, and a real charmer....
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 18
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 6:51:51 PM
Friends with the Ex is great. Best friends? I'd not be able to handle. I would hope that your new woman would be the new best friend and I imagine that would really piss off your family. I think you are depending far too much on your Ex wife. A relationship that close indicates to me that you have not fully moved on. She has a husband and a new life and even though there are children does not mean you are making it easy on them as a couple. The comments about her husband not always being available for her or uninterested in activities you both enjoy makes me wonder as well. He may say he does not care but you and she may have forced him into a love me love my dog role.
I think it is great that you have been able to remain close but running to her with your love problems and considering her a best friend? Why the hell did you ever divorce then??? She in reality is NOT your family, and you are putting your life on hold by clinging to that. To chose a friendship with your Ex over a real relationship with a new woman seems bizarre. You have been alone for 25 years because you want to be best friends with your Ex wife?
 fennelfish
Joined: 6/28/2005
Msg: 19
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 7:05:06 PM
i live like this too
except - i am the ex-wife
it's the best thing for our kid and that is what is most important
any prospectives of either party who aren't willin to put the child's welfare first
are not worth dating... IMO
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 21
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 9:55:07 PM
Gwendolyn says:
"If people put boundaries on one area of your life, they will put boundaries on other areas. I am too old for that type of silliness. "
.
Exactly. Unfortunately many American women (and men too) are conditioned to perceive others as competitors rather than as unique human beings.

And what I have to offer others, and accept from others, is not a commodity to be traded for or hoarded. I am not the New York Stock Exchange or the Chase Manhattan Bank, and I will not submit to being owned nor do I own others.

I am a free man, and do not concede to anyone the right to put boundaries on my life except those arrived at by mutual consent, creating a contract among equals. And once a contract has been made, I stick to it. And the people I admit into my life are those who know that I can be trusted to keep my contracts, and they keep theirs.

So I seek to be not just a free man myself, but to enrich my life with others who are likewise free, persons whose lives are their own. I do not put boundaries on others and I do not let others put boundaries on me, other than fulfilling the terms of whatever contract we freely entered into.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 22
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 10:43:42 PM
Hey... Bethlett is a very smart cookie... so I definitely know she's onto something and always worth listening to with lots of hidden messages in her humor.

Funny how this thread has followed it's path tho'. NOWHERE have I said a thing about sleepover parties, being intimate with the ex, or having a girlfriend who would play second fiddle to her. Some appear to think my ex is running thru the door all the time like they're watching reruns of REBA... She may bring her fishing rod up here 3 or 4 times a year and I may see her when the family gets together on holidays. I simply don't see the selfish or territoriality issue some of you seem to have injected into my post. Maybe it's because of your own problems that you are on this site yet some are hinting that I can't or do not have successful relationships when in fact the serious LTR's I've had ended because of issues that had absolutely nothing to do with my family and for the most part my relationship with my ex has been very positive in the LTR's with the exception of the last one. Looks like some people are already in "BASHING MODE"... (I'm still trying to find that button on my computer)... weird how this crap gets going in one direction then falls off in a crack. .... if I push the "BASHING MODE" button twice will it turn it off?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 23
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 11:30:05 PM
Many people are not going to understand this type of relationship because they do not make the kind of effort you two did for your kids and they also hold so much enmity for their ex that they never get over it.

There are people that can deal with this. If an individual is secure with the relationship you have built they may be initially a bit uncomfortable but my take on it is that the discomfort is their issue and they need to deal with it. I would love to have a similar friendship with my ex because it would be so much better for the children than the emotional upheaval he still seems to thrive on.

If she were perhaps unmarried or the husband was not involved in the relationship you have it might be a bit more difficult on a new woman but seeing the whole dynamic I would think would put someone's mind at ease. You have already discovered that it is possible to have a relationship and the woman be okay with it, you just need to find the right woman.

Trial, the fact that the ex is his best friend does not mean he has no room for someone else. I have two best friends, one of them is male and one is female, and as I have numerous other people in my life that I also care for, I bet there is room in my heart for another person.

Bethlet may as the OP recognizes, hit on what might get him to the point that a woman wouldn't be threatened by this situation by making sure he is not setting the ex on a pedestal that the new woman feels she cannot compete with. In trying to be forthcoming, you may be freaking people out a bit.

And in what universe do our children stop needing loving parents when they are adults? These children graduate, they have weddings, births, all of which are more pleasant when the divorced parents get along so that everyone can enjoy the day rather than waiting for something to erupt. I would rather have an SO that is close to the ex so that I can enjoy myself at the family gatherings than waiting for the Jerry Springer crew to arrive.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 24
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 12:14:14 AM
there they go again............... and she pulls out the "playin house" card.... Luv it when I see this stuff...
how does she know whether the kids are out fishing with their mother or not?
"Another women does not want to walk into that bee's nest"... ha ha... funny.... several have and it has only been a problem for those who have not met her or have a clue what the real deal is... about as insightful as your post...
I love the humor you have provided .... need any fuel for that flame machine ya got there?
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 25
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 1:04:09 AM
Well bamabob i would have thought you get the idea by now the women dont stick around that should give you a clue. If my gf said she was spending the nite at her exs iwould tell go ahead and just stay thier for ever. These lady are trying to get something going with you but not compete with your ex. if you need your ex so bad in your life good idea just stay single and sticj by her and quit playing with these ladys they will not come in second fiddle.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 26
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 8:57:55 AM
DAAAAANNNNNGGGG.... and here comes another one....

The last woman didn't stick around but 4 1/2 years. I've yet to spend the night at my ex's house. The ladies are not second fiddle if they're in my life. I simply refuse to be cruel or rude to the mother of my children or to treat her any less than with the respect a mother of my children should deserve. As long as she does not interfere in my home or in my relationship(s) she is as welcome here as any other friend I have. I see absolutely nothing wrong with respecting other people.
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