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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?      Home login  
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 2
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them? Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I've seen men say this in most of the "independent/strong woman" threads, but never have they explained it in a way that makes sense, other than to say "if a woman just wants you but doesn't need you, they can just leave you when the mood strikes them", which doesn't make sense to me. A woman can leave you for a number of reasons, need or want.

I look forward to some insight on this myself.
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 5
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:14:26 PM
If the woman is truly needy, then in some way, she's not in control of herself, not a willful, detached, independent person. She's incomplete, unhappy and "needs" the guy for her happiness.

A situation which absolves him from having to do anything to keep her. She's reliably there, needing him, no matter what.

Clearly not a healthy for either one.

If feels her need of dissipating, he'll probably go nuts. :)
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:21:01 PM
To most women, need means "depend" which means he's got something I don't want to or can't live without. Most women take the word "need" this way because there was a time we thru no choice of our own "needed" men to accomplish things in life because as second class citizens, we basically weren't allowed (or condoned) to do things for ourselves.

Therefore, to be needed means depended upon, and we can't for the life of us figure out why anyone would want that by choice, unless they see it as a security measure, or a bargaining tool. Still it doesn't say to women "wants me for me", it says "I have ___________ and it keeps her from leaving me because she can't get _________ on her own."

So to us, "want" implies that we're interested in him for who he is, we chose him, not what he has. We don't want to need or be needed, at least not in the early stages of a relationship.

Not until we've been with someone for years, they become a best friend, companion, partner in crime for us and a need like that naturally develops. That's more based on who we are....
 Embraceable You
Joined: 2/6/2007
Msg: 8
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:26:58 PM
I think the word "most" can be replaced with "some"....I had read this earlier and polled a few of my friends (all male)....the concensus was that they don't want women to "need" them....more than one used the line, "I want to be wanted, I don't need to be needed".

I don't think that the group of guys I hang around with are particularly forward thinking or high minded (quite the opposite considering some of the recent conversations), but I do think it representative of average men who are looking for more out a relationship than to be needed.

Having said all of that, for the men who do desire that a woman need them, I would think it is simple insecurity and lack of self-confidence and self-worth.
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 10
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:32:43 PM
Well there's a difference between codependent needy and head over heals needy.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 11
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:32:44 PM
What's the alternative "I don't need you?" Being needed is a basic human, umm, need.

This sort of topic always gets twisted with extremes IMO.
In terms of relationships, "needy" is an extreme, and is dysfunctional with boundaries that are too collapsed. As is the opposite extreme of "rigidly independent" where boundaries are too rigid to allow for the interdependence that a healthy relationship requires.

All *people* need a significant other in their lives. Now, before UglyBetty jumps in here, lol, that need can certainly be filled through friends and family rather than a lover.

A healthy relationship requires two healthy people who are capable of relaxing their guard, fully sharing their lives and being inter-dependent.
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 14
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 6:43:43 PM
Great thread...
Greater quote... Leafslady :)

i don't have much profound to say here. just taking in all that was said here. :)

Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 17
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 7:02:06 PM

I don't want someone to be with me because they need me.... but it sure as hell is satisfying to be needed once they've found you...

If that makes any sense at all?
That makes perfect sense to me!

Erich Fromm said "Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' "

That's how I feel about relationship. I would feel there was something significant missing if I wasn't needed by him in an essential way. And he for me. "An essential way" is hard to define, but really, why be in a relationship if there isn't that type of very deep connection?

"Back in the day" when I was rather fiercely independent, I didn't want to be needed; it really was all about my insecurities. A rather blatant overcompensation, frankly, a denial of my own needs.
Joined: 1/29/2008
Msg: 20
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 7:17:06 PM
I couldn't have said it better, Frau. I "need" a woman for similar reason: Love, companionship, sharing intimacies, someone that's there for me in all paths of life. And I would want a woman to "need" me for no other reason! Of course if she has other needs, I would help also, but those up there are the essentials.
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 26
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 8:08:30 PM
OHHHHH thanks THeGUY U-R-Looking for.

I have always wondered what it was that I kept doing wrong.

So often I read profiles, or threads of guys who want a girl that can do pretty much anything they can do, but they will dump you for the girl who needs everything done for her.

This was a problem in my marriage, I made more money than my ex, and I could do everything around the house, took care of the kids, had the yard under control, and made sure the vehicles were maintained.

He was SOOOO resentful of me NOT needing him, and did NOT value the fact that I wanted him. It repeatedly broke my heart, because he hated it when I needed emotional support, or him to do simple things that showed me he cared.

I have a ver hard time acting NEEDY... I can't stand have to ask for help, because then I feel like I am incapable...

I was dumped by someone that I gave him all the things he complained he didn't get from his wife... However he had a hard time with me, because ultimately it wasn't that I NEEDED him, but that I wanted him. I am self relient, and enjoy being able to take care of my families needs...

GEEZ, so what am I supposed to do, PRETEND?
Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 39
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 1:04:18 AM
I have seen and heard a lot of different things on this subject.most guys that like a needy woman are controlling and somewhat insecure buT I was reading. From a mans point oF view.that men don't like needy depends on each indivual to all you woman I say don't be needy have respect for yourself be independent yOu don't need to be needy so a man.will want you. You will only be obligated.
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 42
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 7:11:22 AM
Need, for me, is something necessary to my survival and well-being.. and it's very important that I know I can provide these things for myself... because I've HAD to in the past. When I became a widow, all of a sudden I was in the position of having to rely on myself.

Having to be self-reliant in my life I have found a lot of self-esteem and personal validation in my independance. I'm not afraid to tackle things that need to be taken care of and I know I will be okay, no matter what. This feeling is something I value deeply. Maybe it's pride, but by golly I earned it. It's a part of my, when a man expects me (and yes it has happened) to drop that self-reliance and let him take care of things I feel insulted... I feel like he is trying (not consciously maybe) to take away my competence somehow. That he sees me as less competent than I am. I don't like that. I want to be appreciated for my competence.

I think this experience is one many modern women have had.. no matter HOW they got there. So, No, I don't "need" another person to survive, or even to have a fulfilling life.

Want is a completely different thing... and I think it is a much higher thing to offer someone... "I desire you, as you are, for WHO you are", means so much more to me than "I need you". This goes for someone who offers this to me also... I interpret it as... "I am not with you because I can't live without you, but because I CHOOSE to be here..I CHOOSE to be with you". Somehow that is much more meaningful to me.

I guess when it comes right down to it I don't want (or need) to be another's source of self-esteem... it's too much responsibility...and I wouldn't expect that from another either.

It's been my experience that men who have fulfilling lives, interesting work, hobbies and interests...especially if they are involved in community or altruistic pursuits have less of a need to NEED a woman, in the sense that they rely on that for their sense of masculinity and worth... I think it is a shift from being a "provider" to being more of a "partner". I am also sure that this must be an uncomfortable transition...for men and women. I think the whole "provider" thing has mutated many times in history... during the neolithic period the "providing" was less for a family unit than for the tribe as a whole... then it began to be narrowed to the family unit with agriculture and now it's swinging out the tribe or community at large. The contributions to survival and progress are now more applicable to the "tribe" again... and really this is a good thing, because things can be accomplished on a bigger scale with both adults able to provide their personal needs. Just an observation.

Ultimately I think this shift enhances our relationships.. and our societies as a whole.

Some men have made this shift... but it doesn't devalue the benefits of personal relationships and what we receive from them.

Just my opinion
Joined: 10/23/2006
Msg: 43
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:06:27 AM
I am a guy who doesn't look for a woman who needs me. That translate to a needy woman and to me that is noooo fun. Needy also means high maintaince and that is taboo. Just my opinion.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 44
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:10:30 AM
I have to shake my head with this thread and many of the about stereotyping a gender........ This is like saying all women love to cook for god's sake........

There is such a difference between "need" and "want" on both sides, and in both ways. I do not want a woman to "need" me, and much prefer to have a woman that "wants" me, and I hope that women would seek me out because they "want" me and not because they think they "need" me to somehow provide for them.

Society has laid the foundation for roles in the world as we know it, and many family structures continue to teach these roles. There are many of us that have broken that mold and seek much different things then what was taught and thought to be the "way it should be", by many, for a long long time.

What gets my attention now, will be the women that will let me know that they "want" me, and not those that seem to "need" me. I will leave the "needy ones" for those that still believe that is their main focus and goal in take care of the "needy", and search for those equals that truly do not "need" me, but "want" me to such a degree that they will climb mountains to help make it happen.

Just my opinion.......
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 45
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:33:20 AM
I look forward to needing A woman-- but only if she's special enough to complete me.

I think this is another thing. I might bump into someone that I like, spend time with them and end up involved with them, spend years in a serious thing with them and one day wake up and realize I need them in my life...

But to me that's so far into a future that may or may not happen, and it's not a goal, it's something I think should happen in it's own time. It's so far off I can't imagine it in this time and place - but I would think it's just a natural progression that needn't be discussed as a requirement.

To me, saying I want to need someone or have someone need me someday is putting the cart WAY WAY before the horse. Just like people who want to be married someday and have children, but are still single with no good prospects on the horizon - shouldn't you meet someone and get involved before you even entertain a thought like that? I'd rather live in the moment, not project so far off into the future.

Need doesn't mean security or a bargaining tool.

Maybe not always, but sometimes - sure it does.

there is emotional needs as well as the "depend" need. A good way of looking at it is the phrase 'don't want the one you can live with but rather the one you can't live without."

Sure, but you can come to need someone emotionally but again, before you even meet someone, isn't it a bit premature to be banking on or hoping for?
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 47
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:52:15 AM
Wow interesting thread! I eventually, WANT to find the right man. I do not necessarily need a man to make my life complete or to bring me happiness. Once I fall in love with him however, I am going to "need" him to be part of my life because I love him and want to be with him. The fact that I do not "need" someone doesn't mean that I can walk away from a relationship and that there isn't anything that the man brings to the relationship. It means that I can and will survive without that person... whether i want to is a different story altogether.

I cannot stand "needy" people. Male or female. Find yourself. Learn how to enjoy your own company. Have something to bring to the relationship besides your physical self and your neediness. I truly believe that until one is capable of loving themselves and living their life in a happy way with or with out a partner, then and only then are they ready for a relationship. That doesn't mean that once they love you they can walk away without hesitation... it just means that until they do find that right person for them, they are going to be happy. As soon as you become needy, you are going to find someone and settle for them just because they are there and not because they are the right person for you. I don't want to be that person and I don't want to end up with someone like that.
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 53
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 1:56:00 PM
I don't know where you are finding these men who want a woman who needs them. I seem to find the opposite most of the time. Most of the profiles I read say they want a woman 'who has her own life', 'who knows what she wants', etc. The implication seems to be that they want a woman they can pop and visit once or twice a week, but don't want to bear any responsibility for or feel a need to get too involved with. If men do want to be needed then why are they putting this kind of thing on their profiles?
 Captain Incognito
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 56
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 3:29:15 PM

What`s the deal about being "needed"? Can`t ya just be "wanted" and loved and that be enough?

Hell, I'll settle for mildly interested

I don't want someone that "needs" me. I'm just coming out of a relationship and I want to be selfish for a bit. Let me look after myself and you look after yourself, in there, we will find some mutual time to enjoy each others company. Beyond that, I am going to be looking after myself.
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 57
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 4:26:14 PM
When I really really needed someone in the low points of my life ... I never found strong emotional support in a man.
On my own after leaving an abusive ex with 3 small children ... I mean physically abusive to babies .... spending time in shelters for women and children ... working to be the sole provider for my family ... I found support with other women ... family and the Church (GOD).
I think men will help out women when it suits them ... makes them feel big ... like yeah opening a pickle jar ...
Or the best thing is when a guy thinks a woman desperately needs sex. He can provide the human dildo. (This is reverse psychology. It just means the man wants to have sex with us and believes he is doing us a favour. lol I've had guys say that to me. "I am so happy to help you out." In those years, every guy I met would be all over me til I said "yeah I have 3 kids" and you should have seen them run. Big time "wanting to help a woman in distress". No f* way.)

It was a true lesson in life.
In the big scheme of things ... I have yet to find a man who fits the bill when it counts.
So now I manage my expectations. I count on myself. My woman friends. GOD and the Church.
And I have a handy device that opens pickle jars.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 61
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 5:11:50 PM

Do you need or want a date Saturday night.

In my case, neither. I either have one, or I don't depending on my schedule - but I don't hang my worthiness as a human being on it. In the case of those who want to find someone, I would hope it's want, not need. Not having a date on a Saturday night certainly never in itself killed anyone.

Does it really matter what you call it while you are sitting home or out with your friends having a good time.

No, hopefully you're ok with taking a night to yourself or spending it with friends. Designating Saturday night as "date" night, and then proceeding to beat yourself up every Saturday night that you don't have a date sounds like unnecessary self torture to me.
 Captain Incognito
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 64
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:30:13 PM

Men need sex...plain and simple

I would disagree. I have made it through the last two years ok without. Not saying I wouldn't enjoy it, but I have been missing the the emotional connection for about 4 years. My ex was only wanting sex and couldn't wait to get out of bed after. I stopped initiating it because it wasn't enjoyable without the connection.

Either way, I know I'm not going to find what I need here.
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 65
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 10:13:12 PM
As other posters have said, it seems that many people confuse "needy" ..which is unhealthy for both partners and involves control issues, with "need", whether emotional, physical, whatever. And wants..though some are good and harmless...many are self centered, selfish and based on what pleases oneself..and who or what satisfies that want are of little consideration. I want to go to Egypt I get there, or who might go with me, isn't the point at all. It's about getting there? Though it would be way cooler with someone special, it isn't required. I need to be part of a loving relationship..who that is with is of utmost importance.

I have given a great deal of thought to this ..and here is my not so humble opinion:

I think those of us (especially many of the women) who have grown up since women's liberation have bought into a false premise. That to have needs of any kind, especially as regards to men, is weak, "un liberated", and , well, submissive. Very bad word for independent women.

I am an independent woman. Like many divorced women in my age group...I am totally self sufficient. I own my own home, car, etc. I can do many traditionally male tasks , but, I'd rather pay someone else to do them (lol). But, I could do them if I had to. I am basically happy. If I was to remain alone the rest of my life, I would be ok. I would be sad things didn't work out differently, but it wouldn't destroy me.

On the other hand, would I be happier if I had someone to love and be loved by? You betcha. Love is a human need. Those humans who don't need it, are called sociopaths. Part of love, as others have said, is need. Children need love, when they grow to be adults that need doesn't magically go away. This is a good thing. The NEED to be loved and love isn't weak, submissive or anything negative. Because we grew up didn't change it's value to our souls and humanity.

My personal opinion is, that those who insist on denying they have this need, are doing themselves a great disservice. And I can't help but think we have been a victim of the pendulum swinging too far. You can both be independent and self sufficient..and need a man to love and love you. There is no shame in this.(bethlett has a very good thread about this) Something got twisted in the search to find equality as a person. It shouldn't mean you don't need anyone on any level. And ,also,IMO, anyone who says they are above needing this kind of love, may be missing the point.

So, no, I don't need a man to provide anything material or practical. But, I do need one to provide love and affection, and passion, and all those good things. And that needs me to do the same for him. This is not the same as being "needy" or weak. As for the material, practical stuff...we'll compromise. I''ll do some, he'll do some. Whatever works. Because in the scheme of things, that stuff is the less important of the whole.

another long post...

pardonez-moi, mes amis..


P.S. Thank you frau, .marc and oshan...excellent posts.....
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 66
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 11:03:07 PM
if you do away with the dysfunctional stuff, men's brains were initially wired to hunt and women to multitask in order to rear offspring--including keeping a watchful eye "everywhere" for their safety and to "soothe". despite modern times, much of it is still wired in this way. if a woman cries, and is amongst other women, they all talk and emote together and find it soothing and then try to do what is necessary. they give each other energy that way and expect the same from a man. they don't necessarily want him to "do" something. if a woman cries and her man is around, his primal response is to "do" something to fix the situation and therefore (in his mind) make the woman happy. he doesn't, at that time, want to hold her and "talk". he wants to "do". he keeps the warm and fuzzies during the good times when there is no stress or problem at the moment. so, if a woman has something for a man to "do" , he feels he is helping. he doesn't realize that just holding her is sufficient and she just needs to talk it out and get it off her chest, so she can resume with what she herself can do.

now that's the basics. some have been brought up to go past the basics, as have women. some have more male and some have more female wiring. but that is still the bottom layer. once the primal instincts are assuaged, then the rest of the stuff can ensue.

this has taken me 59 years to figure out, having no brothers, and my manfriend and i still have to recoup when we have misunderstandings because each of us is doing what we think "should" be appreciated--well sure, by a member of the same sex maybe!!!

if you care about your man, give him something to do. it's not about your independence, it's about him. if you care about your woman, sit and hold her and listen to her w/o telling her what to "do". remind yourself this is another form of "doing" --even if you want to squirm yourself silly and wish you were with the boys at that moment!
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 68
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Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/23/2008 5:10:07 AM
I've always been a big fan of threads that cast broad stereotypes

I am the exact opposite. I hate when a woman "needs" me because I sure as heck don't need them nor ever will. When a woman tells me she needs me, the relationship is unofficially over because it's just fallen off the cliff ... it won't be too long before it hits the rocks at the bottom.

Never allow yourself to "need" anyone. That's the surest way to lose yourself. Once you've lost self, you're living a life that is not your own.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 69
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/23/2008 5:29:52 AM
ItsMargo nailed me on this earlier, but I really do believe it.

Yes, we do as humans all need love, companionship, community, support at times.

Most of us have that now from friends, family, neighbors, pets but we don't consider it important....what bugs me is people that think an SO is the only place they're gonna get any of that, or try to convince others that it's the only place to get it that matters. Wrong.

It can be one of the many places we get it, but it's not exclusive.

Maybe if we spent more time with the people we already know such as friends and family instead of ignoring all that for an elusive soulmate that doesn't exist and perhaps never will, we'd all be more fulfilled in our lives.
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