Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Question for single mom's...      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Question for single mom's...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
My friend recently became separated. Her husband of three years decided to leave her and their 10 week old son a few months ago and moved back to the U.S. The marriage had been on the rocks for the past year or so and she has pretty much made up her mind to file for divorce. She told him she does not wish to have any child support from him and in return he has said he will not fight her for any share of the marital assets. Today she advised me that she has also decided to change their son's surname to hers since his father will not be in the picture much and will not be providing any financial support (he plans to visit his son in Toronto 1-2 weeks per year whenever possible once he gets back on his feet financially). It surprised me to hear this and I wonder if this is a common practice nowadays in these situations? I can see a need for it where the child's best interest is at stake, but that would be an extreme case where having his father's surname would somehow cause him hardship in life. Has any other separated/divorced single mother out there done this and what lead to this decision? Thanks.
 WesternRose
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 2
Question for single mom's...
Posted: 3/2/2008 11:16:24 PM
It is not that easy to just change your child's surname.

For one, the birth father has to sign away the name off the documents, this is a legal thing.
The birth mother has to file a legal change of name for the child.

I for one would perhaps have the child hyphenate the name, carry both the mothers-fathers name... but then I am not in the situation as your friend is in.... this is a major decision she is making that affects her son.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 3
view profile
History
Question for single mom's...
Posted: 3/2/2008 11:33:25 PM
would this be normal, no, this sounds like she's looking out for her own interest rather than her child. So she wants no child support, doesnt' want him to fight for any shared possessions, and the child to have her name and she's going to move. sounds like she just used him for a sperm donor.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Question for single mom's...
Posted: 3/3/2008 1:00:50 AM
Thanks for the resposes so far. Just want to clarify a couple of things:



she's going to move


He is the one who moved, not her. He is originally from the U.S. and decided to go back there when they separated as that is where his family and friends are. He originally moved to Canada to be with her after they married.



sounds like she just used him for a sperm donor.


She did not want to have children prior to marrying him. The decision to start a family came later. She struggled to keep the marriage together during the last year or so.
 phoenix.rising
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 5
Question for single mom's...
Posted: 3/3/2008 7:07:16 AM
I have considered adding my last name to my daughters only because her sister and I have one name and she has her fathers last name. She feels out of place because her name is different and to be honest, when doing things like travelling etc. its significantly easier if everyone has the same last name on their documentation.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Question for single mom's...
Posted: 3/3/2008 8:14:28 AM
Thank you ladies for sharing. Regarding msg's 6 and 9, I can totally understand where you are coming from. It would be the natural thing to do under the circumstances you described. If either of you had married your baby's father and given them his surname when the child was born, would you then have changed it to your's if the marriage had not worked out? Let's assume the child is still an infant at the time so it will not affect school registration, etc...

In my friends case, her ex has indicated he would like to be a part of the baby's life, however due to the fact that he lives in the U.S. now, he will not be able to see the child as often as he wishes. He has kept in contact with her regularly for updates and has asked her to send him photos to see how his son is growing up. He has two daughters in the U.S. that he pays child support for and made several trips to the U.S. to spend time with them when he was living in Canada. From what I know of him, I don't think it's a matter of him not wanting to have anything to do with his son. She earns considerably more income than he did and she also brought most of the assets into the marriage, so the financial arrangements they agreed to regarding the separation works out for them both.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Question for single mom's...
Posted: 3/3/2008 4:39:43 PM
thanks for clarifying. He seems interested in the child, I don't see why then would be the need to change the last name. She could hyphenate it, if she really wants it that bad. She could h ypenate her last name if she remarries. But I think if he's genuinely interested and remains in a consistent way of communication, then keep the last name.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Question for single mom's...
Posted: 3/3/2008 7:58:25 PM
has she spoken to dad about the name change? She probably ought to before going forward


She didn't say but I think she probably hasn't yet--it's a fairly recent decision on her part to file for a name change. I'm pretty sure this would bother him to some degree as he is somewhat traditional with stuff like this. She would have mentioned his reaction if she had told him. I will make the suggestion to her though. Thanks for the weblink JavaQueen.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Question for single mom's...
Posted: 3/4/2008 8:18:29 PM
^^^Sorry to hear that. That was a pretty crappy thing for his father to do to you both. Sounds like you made the right decision.
 freeridergirl
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Question for single mom's...
Posted: 3/7/2008 3:47:00 PM
I have been divorced for three years now and have changed my name to my maiden name at work purely as my ex works there and I am so fed up with people always referring to me as "oh your so and sos ex wife". When he remarried last year I was reluctant to keep his name and I talked to both of my children about my changing back to my maiden name as I was no longer married to daddy. This was broached very carefully but it became very apparent it was more important for them to have the same name as me rather than their father..... I cant change their name without his consent and so I have kept his name and so we are all the same. My eldest suggested using both names but this was cumbersome to say the least and then we joked as to which should be first lol she is aware that once she reaches sixteen she can change her name by depol if she still feels so inclined. The hurt we feel for ourselves and our children when the partner/father loses or takes no interest in the child/children is so cutting... and sometimes making the right decision is so hard, lets face it, we are often dammed if do and dammed if we dont in most cases!!!
 Mateoz_mommy
Joined: 11/26/2007
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Question for single mom's...
Posted: 3/8/2008 8:51:26 PM
As a kid, my mom wanted to go back to her maiden name. I grew up in a small northern cali town. It was hard enough in the 80's being one of the very few kids being raised in a single parent home. She talked to me about the situation and I asked her to please keep the name we shared until I was out of high school she obliged.

I adopted my son, when I did I changed his name from his birth name to my name. We not only share our name in common, he also has the same last name as his older biological sister (my niece by my ex husband). We like it that way, my niece (now 12)has made comments about how her and her brother have the same last name and that is how it is suppose to be. I think its the "belonging" to one family thing people need to think about.
 April keda
Joined: 12/15/2006
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Question for single mom's...
Posted: 3/10/2008 8:11:04 PM
I see your friend is in Toronto and has legal issues to consider.

1. Child Support - In this country child support and visitation/custody DO NOT go hand in hand. If she's working and needs child care and subsidy. The gov't agency will automatically go after the father for support. Whether or not she agrees. And we do have child support agreements with some of the states in the US.

2. Legal Name Change - as a few pointed out, she'll need the father's permission and not just verbal.

3. Hypenation or just using her surname - hyphenation or just using her surname instead, will cause the child problems in the future. My mom did this to me, my father signed my birthcertificate and gave me his last name. She remarried when I was 4 and took his name, when she registered me for school it was under my stepfather's name. Now after 9/11 and the popularity of identity theft I am having difficulty getting my birth certificate since my current last name and my birth last name are not the same. I can't even get a passport or change my name until ALL my ID is under the same name. This is proving difficult as the federal Gov't won't issue a repeat SIN to a different name yet won't issue me a new one. Fun Stuff!!

4. Custody - She should go for full custody of her child. If she doesn't she will need to get written permission from the child's father everytime she takes him out of town. She will need to get his signature to get her son a SIN. She will need to get his permission to move out of town/province. She will need to get his signature to get a passport for her son and will need a letter from the father if she takes the child out of country. If she doesn't take this step and the father decides he wants to take a more active role in his child's life and she's moved, then he can have her charged with kidnapping. I found out about this after I moved from Edmonton to Yellowknife. I have since moved back.

With my second child I went straight to court and applied for full custody. As one legal professional told " Just because you gave birth to that child and raised her for the past five years does not mean you have custody".

I wish her luck!
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Question for single mom's...