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 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 1
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How do I get him to see?Page 1 of 1    
I am stuck on how to get my ex to see he is doing our children a major disservice.

I have noticed a lot lately that he plays major favorites between our son J ( being awesome) and our daughter K ( just another kid). I feel sometimes that he neglects our baby girl emotionally.

He will allow J to argue with him over anything J doesn't want to do...and J wins EVERY TIME!! I don't know if my ex is just spineless or if it's an effort to win him over somehow and be seen as being 'cooler' than mom.....because mom doesn't give in.
I'm actually not sure if he actually has favoritism to J, or if he is just unable to stand up to his kid when he's trying to get his way.

*For example, today K had a tough day at the dentist's office. She wanted to spend the night with her daddy (our kids often sleep next to him - I don't let them sleep with me. Yet another thing my ex and I do differently) and it was her turn since J had his turn last night. J asked to sleep with him instead. Daddy said no. J whined, complained, threw a fit...eventually daddy gives in and says yes. Once again, daddy tramples over his daughter's feelings and rewards his son for throwing a fit. *

I know it may sound like J is a whiner, but he's really a good kid. He's a smart kid, smart enough to see a pushover dad that is easy to manipulate. If asking nicely doesn't get what he wants, but whines/endless negotiation does work, naturally he does whatever method works. Dad is essentially teaching him to whine, and if dad says no then keep arguing and negotiating until it becomes a yes.

I tried to talk to their dad about it later this evening, I was very nice and made a super effort to not be argumentative (no matter how angry I felt) It didn't seem to matter how I put it to him, he doesn't or won't see that K needs her dad just to her once in a while, or that J doesn't need to win every single argument. It seemed like everything I said went in one ear and out the other.

How do I help him to see that the kids will respect him more if he doesn't let them walk all over him?

Also, if it is favoritism, how do I end it?

~tangle
 Moe Ron
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 2
How do I get him to see?
Posted: 3/12/2008 11:24:37 PM

I am stuck on how to get my ex to see he is doing our children a major disservice.

I have noticed a lot lately that he plays major favorites between our son J ( being awesome) and our daughter K ( just another kid). I feel sometimes that he neglects our baby girl emotionally.

He will allow J to argue with him over anything J doesn't want to do...and J wins EVERY TIME!! I don't know if my ex is just spineless or if it's an effort to win him over somehow and be seen as being 'cooler' than mom.....because mom doesn't give in.
I'm actually not sure if he actually has favoritism to J, or if he is just unable to stand up to his kid when he's trying to get his way.

*For example, today K had a tough day at the dentist's office. She wanted to spend the night with her daddy (our kids often sleep next to him - I don't let them sleep with me. Yet another thing my ex and I do differently) and it was her turn since J had his turn last night. J asked to sleep with him instead. Daddy said no. J whined, complained, threw a fit...eventually daddy gives in and says yes. Once again, daddy tramples over his daughter's feelings and rewards his son for throwing a fit. *

I know it may sound like J is a whiner, but he's really a good kid. He's a smart kid, smart enough to see a pushover dad that is easy to manipulate. If asking nicely doesn't get what he wants, but whines/endless negotiation does work, naturally he does whatever method works. Dad is essentially teaching him to whine, and if dad says no then keep arguing and negotiating until it becomes a yes.

I tried to talk to their dad about it later this evening, I was very nice and made a super effort to not be argumentative (no matter how angry I felt) It didn't seem to matter how I put it to him, he doesn't or won't see that K needs her dad just to her once in a while, or that J doesn't need to win every single argument. It seemed like everything I said went in one ear and out the other.

How do I help him to see that the kids will respect him more if he doesn't let them walk all over him?

Also, if it is favoritism, how do I end it?

~tangle


I always play favorites.

It's fun.

When I gather round all of my harim... which is a bit trickee, since there are 8 of them... I let all of my kids duke it out for my onor.

I think this makes the little critters grow some.

It's holesum.

It's pewr.

It teaches them valoobull lessonz.
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 3
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How do I get him to see?
Posted: 3/13/2008 10:00:59 PM
To clear things up a bit...J is 6, and K is 4


As far as your daughter is concerned she sounds like she could use a healthy dose of self esteem.


She is 4 and has never once complained about the treatment from her dad. She is a very docile child, well to put it more plainly she doesn't seem to give a shit about much.
I worry though that his indifference will affect her in the long run.


in your op you described the situation like you and the ex were still cohabitating.


No we don't live together, I went to drop K off after we had gotten home, it was still early and had intended to come back and get J later.
As to controlling access to the kids, we share 50/50 and I would never deny him his kids.
J never behaves that way at my house, I don't put up with it. He has consequences here and he knows it.

I was looking for suggestions on how to get their father to see we are in for a tougher time raising the kids with 2 totally different parenting styles.


your son is conditioning the responce he is extracting from dad, and you too actually


I agree with the first half of the statement one hundred percent, yet again he doesn't behave that way with me and if he does he doesn't get away with it.

It is very hard to explain on a forum and I should have realized that before I posted this thread. J loves his sister I have no doubt about that at all. He treats her kindly, hugs her frequently and is an all around good boy.

I know that he is very manipulative(I don't like using that word...he is a born negotiator) towards his father, but I need his father to help nip it in the bud. It's hard to tell J how to behave when he can turn around and get away with it 10 minutes later with no consequence from his father. When I see him again he usually has forgotten what I am talking about or the instance I am referring to.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 4
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How do I get him to see?
Posted: 3/14/2008 6:05:27 PM
OP, how long have you been divorced/separated?



~ds~
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 5
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How do I get him to see?
Posted: 3/14/2008 7:00:36 PM
davidsauvignon: We have been apart for 2 years...and aside from this one issue, we are the best of friends and usually have the kids best interests in common.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 6
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How do I get him to see?
Posted: 3/14/2008 9:01:25 PM
I think parenting styles is hard to fix to fit both parents unless both cooperate. And since he wont' cooperate, then there's nothing much you can do. Sure your daughter doesnt' care, because subconsciously she knows her brother will be the favor of their father. That is unfair, but that is such in life. I had to go thru life knowing my older sister is my mom's fav and she can do no wrong. But now, my mom sees her with flaws. Don't get me wrong, it did hurt, but I think as long as you can give her attention and you can find others that do the same, then not getting her dad's favor won't be that important. And since your son knows you wn't let him walk over you, he'll respect you later for it, and not his dad.
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