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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what lit      Home login  
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 grkboy
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 2
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Best to find someone whom you like and fits you...then make her "the one" by a long and healthy relationship.

Mates aren't picked by higher powers up above...they're made by two people who find compatibility, love one another, and work through any possible difficulties.

Too many out there think it's supposed to be a 90%-100% perfect match right off the bat.
 paulisdareason
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 7
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Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/24/2008 3:41:03 PM
Never settle , thats a sure fire way to wind up either in a loveless realinship or single again . once you decide to setle the nex thing are compromises and i dont mean the compromise of i want to watch the game but she loves lost so we'll watch lost. i mean the compromise of being with someone whos not as smart as you like or as funny or who has personality traits you dislike and normally wouldnt deal with. i realize that sometime being alone can feel unbearable but if you look at it in terms of the length of your life a few months alone is a drop in the bucket. now the perfect person isnt out there but the right person is so search date and find em but never settle for less than you feel you deserve or need
 SweetSurrenderTonite
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 22
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:35:44 PM
Age is just a number...online seems to be a BIG HUGE deal...
When you go out in public like dancing and such, people treat you according to what you look!
Meaning if you look like grandma or granpa in your 80's with a whole bunch of wrinkles, hopefully you will get respect from your younger society.
If you look like a fresh young bubbly teen you will be treated as such. If you are 47 and look 37, you will get approached by a certain age group.... for dating etc.
For modeling purposes you might be 35 but are getting jobs that would fit 23-33 so thats your age...SO...so why ruin it and think life and dating is over past 30?
My advise don't settle for anything ... don't adapt or you might be stuck with the wrong one....so many of my friends settle because they are lonely or simply think they have to.... Live outside the box and you will for sure find the right one....Good luck to you ....
 VoxClamantis
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 35
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/28/2008 10:39:18 AM
Long Roller -

Indeed

I don't mind a lady not "settling" when it comes to marriage. What bothers me are the ones who won't "settle" when the only things at stake are a cup of coffee and a scone at Starbucks.
 randomstoic
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 38
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/29/2008 7:34:48 PM
I think adaptation is a central component in any successful relationship. My major concern is what does adaptation entail and will we both be flexible enough in the long term.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 40
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/30/2008 9:24:42 AM
So our choice is be alone or be miserable?

Alone just works better for me compared to miserable because I settled.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 43
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/30/2008 6:59:24 PM
I would not adapt either. I have hardly any stringent rules on who I'll date as it is. They gotta be decent people. I gotta be attracted to them and I gotta be able to converse with them.

That pretty much opens the floor right up.
 happyches
Joined: 5/15/2007
Msg: 46
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Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 4/2/2008 6:35:07 AM
I'm not giving up on finding "the one".. and... I'd absolutely hate it if someone just "settled" for me...

Although, having a list of "ideals", might not be the way to meeting "the one".. and I mean we all have an idea of what we'd like.. but we don't want to completely block those that don't meet the "pre-checklist"... might accidently miss out on the potential love of your life by having an ideal that you mightn't of even have cared about after you had got to know them.. (temporarily thinking the extreme here, ie.. "must look like Pamela Anderson, Brad Pitt, hair colour, eye colour, etc" and other ideals we might have in the back of our minds that make us pre-judge & dismiss and probably "miss out" on meeting "the many" that could've been our perfect match.

Hard not to judge based on past experiences with certain ideals, ie: my own reluctance of not wanting anyone who already has kids.. not wanting someone that does drugs, not wanting someone who drinks every night, etc.

I think we have to have a willingness to turn the "ideals" into "basic guidelines" so that we can still be open to get to know those that don't perfectly-match our perception of what we "think" is our ideal mate, but still not "settle" for someone that, after getting to know them, you still don't feel like you were "meant to be together".

I don't think it's unrealistic to want to be in love with the person you are saying you are in love with :)
 Sherlock101
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 50
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Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 4/5/2008 8:29:16 PM
I agree with Kit somewhat but some of us are limited by children, age, where we live, life experiences etc... Some of us are in small towns that don’t offer a great deal. Some have children which limit us to people who will deal with that. Some of us have had bad experiences which make us wary of much. We can be on an internet dating site which for most women no matter the age will bring us many messages from younger lookers seeking entertainment behind a keyboard but not in real life or we can be real and realize we also change with age/experience. It’s hard to define oneself in words in a profile the same goes for dating or getting to know someone. “Example” “You can know someone forever but until you live with them you really never know them.” Same goes for dating. Many might not be great at writing profiles but may be a great mate in real life. So take a chance on someone that doesn’t quite fit your mental criteria, you never know what you may gain!

P.S. For all that don’t bother to make first contact for some idealist reason, you may be losing out on a great match…
 4YOU2KISS!!!
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 56
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 4/8/2008 6:20:23 AM
OP....most often you will not find anyway suitable while looking....it is then that you should take a different approach and take sites like this as a form of entertainment and to allow yourself to grow....while this is happening you might just expose yourself to people or situations that you otherwise would not have....and eventually if cupid has anything to do with things you might just find that she FOUND you!!!!!!


I tend to look at situations from a different approach and perhaps that is why life seems so beautiful regardless of the stage that I am currently at.....NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY....that my dear man is up to you to do for yourself.....and you just never know what is in store for you in the future....so pick up yourself and dust off as this should be the beginning of a new chapter in your life.....one that shall make all the difference in the world!!!!!!!!!


It is time to find yourself.....and if you do not know what that means then you are truly in need...lol......figure out what you enjoy and what makes you tick......find balance in life and find happiness from within. Your core beliefs and values have not changed you have just shelved them....it is now time to dust them off and regroup.


Best of luck, and remember......it is up to you to be HAPPY.....finding Misses Right is not the answer......she is only the icing on the cake. You as a person are the cake in question!!!!!!....and why would you want to choose vanilla if you are a chocolate lover........(never change who you are or give in to the masses....you will only be making a temporary fix......being single is not so bad that you should settle for anything less then you need, want or deserve..... )

You are worth it so remember that.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 60
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/17/2011 6:30:46 PM
I'm one of those who dont believe there is "one".

I'm all about "you fit what I'm looking for".

 TeeToTheEyeToTheEm
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 61
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/18/2011 1:47:35 PM
I would need to survive several lifetimes to find "the one" because my type just doesn't grow on trees. I have core traits that I look for and are not unreasonable. If those are satisfied then you qualify as "giving me something to work with". That is all I need is something to work with. Nobody wants a clone of themselves or even a past girlfriend. We want something new and exciting and also agreeable. No one is going to have 100% the same interests as you. That is what makes it fun. You can show each other new worlds. For example, I had a girl once...( the whole room groans... ) and she is heavily into painting. I couldn't remember the last time I picked up a paint brush or even considered it. Well, after seeing what she could create from a blank piece of paper it opened my eyes a bit more and brought me closer to her because of this. You never really know what you are going to get when youa re with someone. You have to kind of feel it out. That isn't settling. Settling is when you KNOW there are traits about your partner you absolutely dislike and simply choose to ignore them and commit mentally to maintaining a false admiration for those traits indefinitely.

I would sniff out a woman settling for me easily. It would be hard for me not to chuckle if my 35+ date was cranking Cannibal Corpse or The Acacia Strain on her car stereo. Don't get me wrong, that would probably score points with me and that would definitely get me to crack a rare smile, but I would definitely be on the lookout for some Justin Bieber songs coming out of her Ipod.
 TCHRCHRISSY
Joined: 8/5/2010
Msg: 62
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/18/2011 2:59:11 PM
I disagree. No one should settle, that 's way different than learning to adapt ( in my opinion). Having been married I can now say I'm more open minded and tolerant of things. Those little annoyances don't matter so much. It's more the big things that I focus on like values, etc. Looks matter of course, to a certain extent, but that's not the sole reason to begin a relationship or end one. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, you will realize that when the time is right you will find the right person.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 63
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/21/2011 10:22:42 PM

I have, until recently, felt that there was "one" true fit for me somewhere that met all of my ideals. Intelligence, wit, humor, personality, looks, likes/dislikes, etc. Lately, however, I'm relinquishing that ideology to the realism that there MAY NOT be "one" for each of us; that we must simply step back, breathe a little, and adapt to what few single women are left at our age.
I think that is a mark of maturity personally. Some people cling to a glittery and calcified ideal that will likely never materialize. It takes pain and discomfort to let go of the fairytale..

A song by Paramore comes to mind: http://youtu.be/A63VwWz1ij0

'Keep your feet on the ground.. while your head's in the clouds'- love it.

Giving up on a dedicated search for "one true mate" and settling for what is available?
Surely you realize there is a middle ground here? This sounds an awful lot like 'lowered expectations' (skit from Saturday Night Live), lol..

No one should feel they have to 'settle'. I like Dr. Phil's 80/20 'rule' on this one. Loosely paraphrased, you can't expect to find someone who has 100% of what you are looking for.. it just isn't realistic (and seriously, probably kinda boring!) so he suggests finding someone who has 80%. So long as the other 20% does not contain dead in the water deal-breakers, you are good to go.

I have a pretty good idea of what I am looking for, but I always make sure to keep an open mind to whatever may show up. Sometimes in the most unlikely of circumstances that you could never have predicted or planned for..

And is this only a male issue, or are women faced with this too?
Of course women deal with this too, how many threads are there with men complaining that women's expectations are too high? lol..
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 64
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Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/21/2011 10:45:38 PM
@shakti: Great to have your intelligent presence here as always. The 80/20 sounds like something similar I heard on John Tesh radio show about happiness in a relationship. They said 75/25 so pretty much same ballpark with the numbers.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 65
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/21/2011 10:52:17 PM
Hey thanks Cooldog, I hadn't heard of that. I wonder who came came up with it first and which one changed the numbers ever so slightly? lol..

Either way I think it's a great middle ground to either being too idealistic, or settling for the next available body.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 66
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Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/21/2011 10:58:10 PM
@shakti: The one I posted had to do with relationship happiness. It says that if you're happy 75% of the time in a relationship chances are it will last. Different criteria, but similar numbers. Just another example of how unrealistic 100% is.
 NorthernMelody
Joined: 3/2/2010
Msg: 67
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/21/2011 11:00:40 PM
I would have to say that this is an issue for men and women. As I was reading your post, I realized that what i had been trying to instill in my daughter, also applies to me (all men and women). I don't think there aren't any "good ones" left. I think we set our standards to an unreachable high, to the average person. We meet someone that fits almost what we are looking for but be be lacking in good looks or doesn't make enough money or whatever petty things we tend to see. I don't think we should settle for the next person to come into our lives but maybe look at ourselves first and see where things are lacking. And maybe, we have set our expectations to an unreachable high.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 68
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/22/2011 2:50:29 PM
Never settle
especially in a down ward direction.
If you can't find the 'one' locally - maybe your answer isnt in the puddle in your back yard.
 sifia
Joined: 9/14/2011
Msg: 70
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Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/24/2011 9:36:35 AM
Most men dont even mature until they hit their lates 30's. So yes i think it is safe to say that a man is marriage material in his late 30's.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 71
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/24/2011 2:28:05 PM
ccooper35- There is no such thing as the perfect person. You have to know what you want and look for the qualities that are MOST important to you.
Never settle. It's not fair to yourself or the other person.
Don't give up, the right person is out there.
For now, work on being happy with yourself. Don't stress too much about finding "the one".
 m68
Joined: 2/12/2005
Msg: 72
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Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/24/2011 8:28:47 PM
I Agree with you valenciacityx...Never settle...if you know what you want..go for it...I would rather be on my own and happy than be with someone that I settled for or who settled for me...sooner or later you'll just find yourself on your own again so why put you and or them through that? Will admit I have made some unwise choices but,at the time have never settled....just found out they were later on they were not who they appeared to be! Will say that dating today it soooo much harder than even 10 years ago...ok now I feel old lol
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 73
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Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/24/2011 8:43:56 PM
@m68: I am in the same boat you are. Been divorced 11 years and it is harder now than it was before I got married at 30. Maybe I'm running into the game playing women who have honed their craft better over that same time span.
 roninseventhree
Joined: 9/18/2011
Msg: 74
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Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/25/2011 11:13:34 AM
I'm 38 and have been divorced for the last 6 years. I wasn't planning on being divorced, things just happen (and no I'm not a cheater, beater, etc.).

I think I'm more open to some things about people, now that I'm older. But I'm also a lot more choosy. I don't believe that there is only ONE type of woman that I'd be happy with. I don't think there are any one trait that I'm attracted to that is an absolute necessity to consider dating someone.

However, I'm a lot more picky of the people I choose to spend my time with. But it comes from experience. For example, I don't do well with very insecure people... so I don't date them anymore. I won't spend my life compensating for someone else's flaws. :)

I'm more than happy being single (not a man-whore). I don't need a relationship to feel complete, but I'd REALLY like to have one because I believe life is BETTER when you have a life to share with someone in an intimate way that you share with no one else.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 76
Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/25/2011 7:08:46 PM

but when you view and email a decent amount of people, and none respond, id have to assume, its almost not an option to not settle.....


The truth of the matter is that most who dont respond probably already HAVE settled.

;)

They're just on here watching the rest of the world go by (so to speak)
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