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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Proper ladies don`t go out alone!      Home login  
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 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 3
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Proper ladies don`t go out alone!Page 1 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
I go out alone all the time. Yes, that does include bars because, alas, bars is where karaoke is done. Yes, some males do approach me. Actually, sometimes it is a nice compliment. Does my ego good. Yes, some are persistent, but so am I.

Suggestions. I do have males who come to know me at the bars and regulars that I sit with as a friends only. This includes the other single females and our male friends. Took time. An investment. But, I am not safe in the bar. As a regular the owner and staff know me and know I am a regular source of income. They protect me, too.

Don't let others pester you outta places. Make friends and allow them to be the buffer around you. Oh, almost forgot this part. The males who have accepted they aren't going to get anywhere with me are rather dedicated to making sure no other male will. Along the lines of if they can't have me nobody will.

Gandi
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 5
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Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 12:59:05 PM
^^^What was that mess all about? Sheesh!

I see no reason why a lady cannot go out for a light meal and a glass of wine by herself. Eventually, she will make some steady friends there with whom she could sit. In the event that she doesn't, who cares? I have done this once or twice if I was on the road for a sales call. Why not? I am a person who gets thirsty and hungry. I don't let others intimidate me into thinking I do not have a place there. It shouldn't be this way, but alas, sometimes yes, it is.

Btw OP? What a hottie!!! (and no I don't swing that way)! lol
 oldkid
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 6
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Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 1:11:29 PM
I'll put my 2 cents in as I'm probably one of the regulars you would run into. You need to be trying a little more upscale or family type bar grill. Stay away from the less desirable places that even some men try to avoid. Where I hang out, it is not that unusual to see a woman come in and bring her children with too.

BE FRIENDLY, you don't have to be hitting on anybody or behave like a bar fly but treat everyone in a way that indicates your willing to be at least acquaintances with them. If someone hits on you too hard, just tell them "sorry, not interested in that, just here for a beer, burger and a little BS". Don't get overly attentive to any one person at first. As an earlier poster had indicated, in a short time you will be one of the regulars, people will greet you when you walk in and you will have new friends to join. If a reasonable woman can't be part of the regular group by her 4th or 5th visit over a couple of weeks, she is in the wrong place. One last thought, get to know your bartender by name on your 1st visit!!!
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 7
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 1:14:27 PM
Funny. I'm not one to feel uncomfy very often, but recently I made it to the bar before a friend of mine. It was almost empty, so I sat down at the end and ordered my fruit c-cktail. This bar happens to be right by a big hotel where businessmen stay, so there were lots of Chinos and Izods in there. I sat at the bar, and IMMEDIATELY the chairs of either side of me were occupied by men. I had to pretend to be enthralled with a basketball game (Nuggets lost) to avoid any eye contact or hints of being interested. As soon as my friend arrived--all 6'5" of him--they IMMEDIATELY vacated that end of the bar again. It was weird, I was the carrion and they were the vultures ready to pounce.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 9
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Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 1:25:48 PM
Not wanting to speak for the OP but I think she is referring more to an eat in/drink family or neighbourhood sports bar type environment as opposed to an all out bar.
Heck, even I wouldn't do that! lol
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 10
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 1:36:23 PM
This is utterly baffling to me. If I want to eat out I do so. If there is something going on that interests me in a bar I go there. have I been hit on? Sure, but it was always respectfully. Of course these are mostly smalltown or rural neighborhood establishments, maybe country guys are better behaved.
Maybe it's because I go in confidently and act like I have just as much right to be there as anybody else.

Proper ladies don't go out alone?? Guess what, sweetie. Hiding in your house or just looking for a bf online will pretty much guarantee that you'l STAY IN alone, as well.
OP the men in the places you describe must be buttheads. Find a joint with a better class of losers.
Cindy O
 867love
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 11
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 1:50:43 PM
why don't women go out alone? -cuz they think about it too hard (too many what ifs)
either you want to go out, or you prefer to stay home with your cat and your tv set.
why do you need a reason to pick up your coat and just go have some fun?
night life has it's definate form of intrigue. the darkness, strangers, loud music. sure it may be safer and more predictable to stay home, however some day you just may figure out you missed out on life -coulda woulda shoulda

note: most bars or restaurants will have an employee escort you to your car if you ask.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 13
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Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 2:32:45 PM
There's a couple of pubs near my place that I go to sometimes; one has live jazz and the other is just a friendly place (sort of an Irish Cheers). I also used to travel on business by myself a lot. As a woman alone, people always talk to me. It's been friendly and welcoming so I'm not sure I have anything of value to offer the OP. If you go to the same spot, you'll become a regular and as a "known" quantity there's an established comfort zone.

There's been a few who obviously might have liked to take it beyond idle chit-chat but ... how do you describe that thing we women do to flag them off? Y'know where the body language and becoming-ever-briefer replies warns them off before they get started down that path ... and I never have to say a direct word and they don't have the embarrassment of rejection. If someone ever did cross that line from friendly chat, I imagine I'd be polite but clear. You have to figure if they aren't picking up on the in-direct clues... it's time to be VERY direct, because they are likely clueless people. edit to add... maybe something like "well thanks for the chat, but I'm (insert appropriate bit... planning my wedding? and need some quiet time to think)"

OP, are you expecting people NOT to talk to you at all? I've never set foot in a restaurant or a bar alone where people haven't been friendly and wanted to chat, so I'm not sure being left completely alone is realistic. If that is what you want... sit at a table and not at the bar and perhaps bring a book or an i-pod with you? People are less likely to invade your space if you look happily occupied with yourself and certainly dangling one earphone somewhat patiently is a pretty good clue you're being interrupted.

Or is it just that you don't want them to try to pick you up? I would think that the exact same ways we decline those invitations everywhere else would work in a pub.
 ankkka
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 17
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 3:08:05 PM
If you feel comfortable...go!

I will never go alone... if I have other better choices...but it is me.
 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 18
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 3:15:17 PM
I go out to my neighbourhood bar and grill without problem - it's no different than going to a restaurant alone. I usually tip the staff well and they know my name, so when I walk in the door I immediately get a " Hi Bonnie!". If there were anyone out to make trouble, picking on someone the staff likes is likely to get you in trouble.

Maybe you can arrange a weekly or monthly POF event in your area and try all the different bar and grills that interest you. It will give you a chance to see them and decide if you like the people there.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 19
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 3:22:15 PM

When I have met other single ladies my age, they usually tell me that they just stay home all of the time and become recluses because it isn`t safe to go out alone, and that friendships with other gals can be trouble
So they just sit at home all of the time. They don`t want to deal with the whole bar fly attitude, and would "never" eat alone in a public place for what people might think.


It's the "sit at home all the time" that I was speaking to. I'm certainly NOT advocating that bars are the place to find boyfriends! And there are single women who do NOT form the sort of female friendships that are conducive to going out for "girls night out" types of things. So they
hide at home and don`t go out any more
.? HIDE AT HOME. The other alternatives, like non bar entertainment, interest groups,volunteer/community causes, these don't exist where the OP is? Or is "what people might think" a barrier to those things, too?
And I don't think it's just because of guys behavior...
It's
would "never" eat alone in a public place for what people might think

That is just freakin' ridiculous! I'm guessing that if you can't even eat in a public place by yourself, that rules out any other entertainment, amusement, recreation or social activity that occurs "in public", for fear of what people might think.

OP, I don't think it's MEN'S behavior that is REALLY the issue, I think you just are afraid that PEOPLE will think that there must be something wrong with you because you are alone.
If you want to go into someplace for a "burger and beer", buy a cheap wedding ring and wear it. Does your mouth not know how to say " Excuse me, I don't want your company, kindly go away"?
I'll admit, where I live, and the places I go, people seem to know how the hell to act. If you live in a neighborhood where an unescorted women "deserves" to be raped, were I you, I'd be moving elsewhere. But I think it's your OWN perceptions, OP. I hate to sound harsh, but you and all these other single ladies need to grow a backbone.
Cindy O
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 22
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Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 5:17:24 PM
OP - I've probably been accused of enjoying my own company I've been to Christmas; Thanksgiving; and all types of buffets by myself. While at first, it seemed uncomfortable, I figure why should my status (flying solo) stop me from going out.
Too, I've travelled parts of the world by myself: Belize; Bahamas; Costa Rica; Holland; England; and Africa.

I'm probably lucky that I give off wonderful body language of "do not disturb". Very seldom do I get approached. I agree, it's a shame that women can't go out and do their thing, without being approached by some wolf
 Rebel333
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 23
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Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 5:45:36 PM
There will always be a few jerks. And some women welcome the approach. So it's hard for guys to know which category you fall into until we ask. But one suggestion might be to not sit at the bar. That kinda says the seat next to me is open to anyone. Sit at a table and if you're approached you can always say that you're waiting for someone. A boyfriend. Who might also be a wrestler. Joining you after his match is over.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
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Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 5:46:32 PM
The very title of this post implies that a woman who does have the self confidence to go out to dinner or what not by herself, is "improper". That's a pretty broad statement, and an insult too. Look, I'm a single man (and yes, I know its easier for a guy), but I go lots of places by myself, rather than just stay home alone. I would expect that any self-sufficient women would be able to do likewise. If she gets unwanted attention, I'm sure she can brush it off with style and grace, unless he becomes a bit of a pest, at which point she can be as rude as necessary. Give me that kind of woman, instead of one who is afraid to leave her house unless she has a safety net.
 ankkka
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 25
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:42:16 PM
I can't imagine myself sitting alone by the table for 4 people...eating dinner and drinking glass of wine...

 A Moment in Time
Joined: 7/19/2007
Msg: 27
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:32:12 PM
I think that if women want to go anywhere alone they should be able to without being harrassed. I went on a cruise alone in 1990 and had a great time, was very happy being by myself and was not bothered at all.

If i want to go to a bar i will and if anyone bothers me there are always bouncers to take care of me. I have met a lot of nice people when i go out and if by chance nobody wants to go out i go to this bar and have gotten to know some people there by going by myself. When you go alone if you meet someone to talk/dance with you dont have to worry about leaving someone else alone. If men can go out alone so can women.

If i go out for dinner by myself i just bring something to read so im not bored while they are making my dinner, i prefer to shop by myself as i can try on stuff without making someone wait for me.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 30
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Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/26/2008 7:37:05 AM
Merry, you might as well face the facts! To men, any woman who is not with a MAN....is ALONE. I gave up on this issue over 20 yrs ago. I could be in a group of 6 or 8 women....and yet....there would ALWAYS be some guy come up and ask what I was doing out "all ALONE". When I'd say.....I'm NOT "alone"...I'm with my friends....he'd NEVER get it!

Just try telling them that you're not alone....you have a Glock in your purse.....then see if they have any more stupid questions they'd like to ask! LOL!
 blondblueyed
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 31
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/26/2008 10:41:05 AM
I so relate to the idea that it appears to be some ‘secret” law that women are not supposed to be seen anywhere in public completely alone unless they are possibly grocery shopping for her man and offspring. That appears to be the only “acceptable” spotting of an unattended female.

When I was younger and did the bar/club thing it was about half and half of going with a few girlfriends and going alone to see local bands I liked. There was one I went to see for years alone as my girlfriends were more “rock” fans than “alternative” fans. The guys just couldn’t believe my “I am just here to see the band” answer to their advances. I remember one night seeing them in a bar that was geared towards a type of people that in no way would be interested in an “alternative” band. No one was actually sitting in the room where they were playing except me, everyone else was at the bar or in the pool room. All of a sudden the lead singer in the middle of a song says” hey guys forget it, she’s with us”. I look behind to see 4 guys at all different tables getting up from their seats to head back towards the bar. He looked at me and said “the sharks were circling”.

I get the same thing when I go on vacations, go to restaurants or ball games. People will ask you to your face “Are you here alone?” I feel like Jack from “Titanic” when Rose’s mother asks him “You find that sort of rootless existence appealing, do you?”.

I think the reactions though differ on the setting, in bars there would be the assumption you are there to get “picked” up, in a restaurant it would be a reaction of “pity” like you poor thing or perhaps they think you got “stood up”. I find at ball games it is the same “pity” or a friend didn’t show up. I mean no woman in her right mind might actually enjoy a sport enough to go alone if she has no “friend” that is a fan or perhaps everyone else works everyday during the week and can’t go along. I find the reactions also depend on the gender or the age of others as to whether they think it is a case of “pity” or just odd.

I also agree with the post above me that in some cases even a group of women with no man in the group will be target with other men thinking they are “out” to meet someone not just enjoy other women’s company.
 Mitz BeeHaven
Joined: 2/28/2008
Msg: 33
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/26/2008 11:06:28 AM
I go out all the time alone. When a man asks me to do something I am not up for.
I just tell him, "I am not here for him!" From that point, I don't let what other
people think or feel control my life or the comforts within it. Over a period of
time, even though, those men never stop trying to get me to go out with them.

They have become great friends of mine. It just takes time to fit in to their scene.
Get to know who I am. When you let what others think and feel control you and
your life. Thats when you tend to feel as if you need to sit at home and be the
recluse.

I have a strong will of INDEPENDENCE... but very easy going and fun to be around.
I am such a happy drunk... when I do drink. I do go out where I do not drink at all.
I make it a point to meet people in the place I am in. I had to when I moved out of
state to a new area. Only way I could make the great friends I have today.

So my advice to women, is hang in there and don't let other people control your
life, or get all up in your KOOL-AIDE when they do not know what flavor you are
having today.javascript:smilie('')
 867love
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 34
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/26/2008 11:53:12 AM
redar. -if you sweet talk him, you may be able to get the bouncer to drive you home... if you have a favorite watering hole -most of the management will look out for their regular patrons.
if your out alone, i would suggest you keep it at a couple drink limit. or at the least: -start ordering cokes for your last drinks of the night. -i see too many women out on the town waaaaay too drunk for their own good, heavy drinking only if your in a crowd of watchful friends who will confiscate your keys and make sure you get home safely.
however if your out solo, looking for the perfect bar with the perfect band, keep it sober-ish, until you find a place with a good feeling atmosphere
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 35
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/26/2008 11:55:04 AM

I was a successful business woman before retiring. If I was woman enough, to operate my own business and manage staff (including males), then I can put my " big girl" panties on and go out alone to have lunch or an early dinner. What I have experienced is that men don't approach me. And, it's probably because I'm well-dressed, carry myself with dignity and I have an evil look in my eye that says " Don't F*** with me!"


Strangely, I am attracted to those type women. I would have most likely approached you if I was intrigued. Well dressed women with attitude are very appealing in the sense that they possess maturity, independance and power. I find women like this tend to be very loving, caring and passionate once those exterior barriers are removed.

I go out by myself quite regularly. I've met some women who do the same. It's refreshing because I've had great conversations and some enjoyable moments.... without her friends interjecting. I have a tendency to watch out for a woman by herself. I sometimes keep watch and if some ***hole is pestering her I'll, at the least, let the staff know of the situation. On one ocassion I felt it necessary to walk this woman to her car... one guy was being a true idiot towards her.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 37
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/26/2008 12:08:37 PM
Reactions? I don't worry about "reactions" from people who are so intimidated by social "rules" that they think being alone is a pitiable or odd situation.

I've more than once had other women or even couples "adopt" me when I go someplace by myself, more out of kindness( and sometimes a little envy of my "independence") and I'm OK with that.

All I can say to the women who feel like they aren't allowed out of their house on social activities without a male companion, is to remind them, as another poster said, that it is now 2008, not 1958!
Cindy O
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 39
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Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:41:17 PM
I agree with Phoebe. After 15 years of going out on my own, I can say that a lot of men especially if they have had a few drinks think that any single women in the place is looking for a hook up. It get so bored deal with the folks. It is best to gather our sense of humour and enjoy sending them away a little wiser. (Are we learning yet?)
 blondblueyed
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 40
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:56:47 PM
I know where you speak. What men like CG forget is they are usually polite and accept what a “lady” tells them at face value but a great many out there do not behave this way.

My problem has never been so much the being “hit on” but the attitude after being told a simple “no thanks” or as I mentioned in my younger going to see bands days that “I am here to see them” was always questioned. It was taken as a lie and provoked the proverbial “oh you’re just playing hard to get”, “oh you’re just a snobby ****” or even the “if that’s so, why are you here alone”. Again, like there must be something else going on if you are unaccompanied either by a man or even other females.

I don’t let the “pity” looks or questions stop me at all, I have just always found it funny. The only people I would worry about or observe if they were alone would be small children, that in my view would be perfectly understandable to panic and ask……”what are you doing alone, where is your MOTHER?!” Grown women should not be constantly asked this question, it should not be assumed she is on the prowl nor be pitied because she is alone out in public. I never witness men being viewed this way.
 blondblueyed
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 41
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 3/26/2008 2:18:23 PM

It's only a very small percentage of men that act like jerks. The vast majority of men will take a polite "no thanks" at face value.


Can't speak for all other ladies personal experiences but the jerks far outnumbered the "polite" gentlemen in my club/bar days. In other settings I haven't found anyone really being "rude" it has just become more a habit now with "are you here by yourself?" I am not exaggerating, I get asked this question one or two times a week, given that I have been an adult for some decades now it gets a little old.
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