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 someoneaussie
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 1
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
i've wrote a couple of threads re my situation and have had some good advice. this coupled with my own growing clarity and suport of my friends has made me think i need to distance myself from my partner

hes under allot of work stress but can't handle it and lashes out. over the past few weeks he has fluctuated between loving and caring to crazy and cruel. appologising and taking responsibility to blaiming and critizizing me. the porblem is his name is on the house we share and he is holding that over me so i can't walk out or i lose everything. i've spoken to a lawer friend who said i need to try to work through it with him to separate the assets rather then get confrontational.

we went to a counciling session yesterday and on the way back he went crazy in the car. yelling about how the woman didn't know how hard he tried and how he was moving out right then and there. i was actually ok with that because i can't handle his fluctuations and changes of mind any more. he gave me an hour to come up with a scenario for separating our assets (impossible) and punched a hole in the door when i said i couldn't give him answers at that time - we need valuations, lawyers etc. he went off and then came back all simmered down and admitted he was crazy and out of control and i didn't deserve his reaction. he admitted he tired to intimidate and scare me and said he was sorry. he has never admitted this before and taken responsibility for his anger so i am pleased for him that he did that but still not sure if it's enough. he has offered to go back to councilling and work through it with me but now i don't know if i can trust him and certinally not whilst i cant feel secure in my own home and legally could be kicked out by him at a whim

I feel he has been resentful and blaming me for allot of his stress. after 6 good months of no hassels and looking forward to travel and an engagement he has recently been saying he can't see himself with me and doesn't know what he wants anymore. I have been pretty calm about this folliwng inital shock and hurt and now just want to protect myself from his manipulating me about the house and keeping me there on his terms while he decides whether he wants to work at the relationship or walk out at the drop of a hat. I was ready for the worst and at least he had no one to blame but himself as i know i have tried everything. the problem is he has now he has turned around and says he loves me and can do anything with me by his side and togeather we can get through anything and that he got us ino the mess and will get us out. i don't know if i can trust and believe in him anymore but if i don't he has the house over me and can say i was the one that didn't work with him to make us better

i want to talk to someone but he has told me its no bodys business and threatened me if i speak to anyone with selling the house from under me. Im wising up to his controling ways but while he still has this over my head im kind of stuck. should I work with him on this and our relationship - he has made massive changes and with counciling and recognising his problems has come along way. if i don't work with him he could get resentful and i could lose my home. if i stay i feel it is under his control and i have to waste more time and energy on all these problems that i feel he brings to the relationship but with no security or reliability for me

any feedback much appreciated

galicat
 durandal26
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 2
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 5:51:42 PM
Totally psycho. I would not trust, or want to interact, with such a person, in any way.
 someoneaussie
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 3
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 5:54:54 PM
yeah, me neither now but i'm kind of stuck and now hes posing as the loving nice guy all willing to deal with his problems. i can see it is a cycle now
 Mirage111
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 4
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:00:41 PM
get out while you can with your life....your lawyer friend is not being impartial. Both parties have to be sane and resonable for decisions like this to be made. You need mediation and distance. Things are replaceable your life is not.
 jukeboxfrank
Joined: 1/15/2007
Msg: 5
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:05:31 PM
Don't take him to counseling, if you care at all, get him to a doctor and get him some medication . There is more going on in his head that you may know.
 UrbanTO
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 6
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:06:10 PM
He's psycho and you better find a way out of there. I must ask though, why on earth did you get a house with him? Didn't you have any inkling, clues that he was like that? He can't just have done a switcheroo on you...

This is a difficult situation to be in but don't let him bully you. If he told you he can't see himself with a future with you, then I would suggest you get a plan going so that when he demands to see how you'd divide it, you could come up with it right away instead of saying no, can't do it. Being prepared gives you power over this bully.

If you really cannot come to an understanding, then I'd suggest walking away. Yes, it's a huge loss but your life is worth that much more.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 7
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have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:06:58 PM
Galicat, you described a text book example of a man that is an abuser.

Perhaps he has not hit you YET, but give it time. He has a tissy fit, punches holes in walls to scare you into submission, then does the kiss and make up.

Look on the net to see the cycle of an abuser.

psycho? No, abusers just have to be able to control their victims, can you imagine having children with this man? Never knowing when the other shoe is going to drop?

Just reading your story made the hair stand up on my neck, I lived it as a kid, and had a 3 yr relationship pretty much like that. After he bounced me around his house, and disconnected a phone call to 911, he begged me to lie to the police, that we'd get married, that he loved me... Oddly he'd broken up with me 6 months prior, and had a gf, who he played me between himself and her.

Why'd I stay, because I didn't know I honestly deserved to be treated better.

If you really want something to work, you seperate, and work in counseling from a distance. Other wise RUN!!!!
 vro312
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 8
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:16:25 PM
It's a little hard to tell from the information you provide what exactly you would be losing. Was the home purchased six months ago when you moved in together? Who put the down payment on the home? Have you been paying into it equally--and if so, have you been writing checks to him? Chances are even if your name is not on the mortgage, you could get a reasonable settlement by hiring a lawyer or a mediator. Then again, I don't have a clue how this works in Australia.

Whatever the answer is to those questions, you need to move out right away. You're right--the guy does sound very unstable. There's a real possibility whenever someone's behavior changes so radically that he has an untreated mental illness or some sort of substance abuse problem that he's managing to hide from you. Either way, it is an extremely unsafe situation for you to be in. Both untreated mental illness and addiction can lead people to uncharacteristic episodes of violence. In other words, you don't know what he's going to do . . . but punching the wall is a reasonable sign that things are going downhill.

Don't overthink this . . . seriously. It's not just some issue of a difficult boyfriend with annoying habits. This could become a life-threatening situation pretty quickly.
 nipoleon
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 9
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have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:17:32 PM
You don't describe what sort of work stress he is under but I have a hard time thinking of any job which excuses the sort of behavior he's showing.
If anything he seems to be a classic case of an abuser, loving one minute, crazy the next. It wont take much research to find plenty of examples of this sort of thing.
It's very easy for people to fall into these sorts of relationships with these sorts of people.
I suggest you move out regardless of the personal possessions you might have to do without before this gets out of hand, and I think it will.
Unfortunately, if you're like most people, you'll probably try to stick it out.
You both need some therapy, him for his behavior and you for why you tolerate it.
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 10
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have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:20:03 PM
Sounds a lot like BPD (hmmmmm)

I would say he's not terribly balanced...and YOU will be the target of his uncontrolled rage. EVERYONE has stress in their lives...more at different times, but it's no excuse to be abusive. And YES, screaming at you is abusive. There is NO excuse for it...ever.

run while you can...
 someoneaussie
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 11
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:20:42 PM
yes, i had inklings and he has been crazy before but that was ages ago and he agreed to councilling and changed allot

my problem is my dad got terminally ill when i was young and died and my only real male role model (uncle) was in hindsight probably a real bully too so i feel used to it and don't get scared and kind of think it's just up to me to work with it and to date i think i've done a good job of doing that whilst not backing down

basically i love him and we are great togeather 80% of the time but when it's bad it is really wrong and hurtful and he is a monster. i know it's wrong and i have after 4 years finally woken up to the situation and realise his changing is not going to happen over night (if it even can) and i don't want this

now it's just a matter of how i get out with the least emotional and financial hurt

thanks

galicat
 paulisdareason
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 12
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have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:22:27 PM
Run now, dont look back . act like its sodom and gomorha, flee, clear enough the guys a bomb waiting to go off, dont be there when he blows
 someoneaussie
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 13
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:25:19 PM
i payed for 1/2 and have been paying 1/2 the mortgage. i don't have another place to go. i could move into friends but i know if i don't try to work with him to separate the assets he will get vindictive and nasty and i feel i need to at least try and wiggle a better scenario for me out of it. he doesn't scare me. i really dont think he would hit me. he knows hes a bully. im just more concered about the house i live in as it is everything to me. he said i can have first dibs on buying him out so whilst there is a chance of that i want to keep him pacified
 vro312
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 14
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:26:24 PM
^^^^
Unless Australia has significantly different laws than the U.S. regarding joint property and cohabitation, moving out is not going to prevent you from getting what is rightfully yours. If you've paid into the mortgage, you have rights to the property. As long as you wrote checks, you can prove that. Talk to a lawyer who won't tell you to stick it out.


basically i love him and we are great togeather 80% of the time but when it's bad it is really wrong and hurtful and he is a monster.

So as not to taint this impressive statistic, he'll kill you during the OTHER 20%.

(Pardon my sarcasm, but come on. This is your life.)
 someoneaussie
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 15
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:35:05 PM
thanks. our lawyer friend was totally behind me. he just thinks that my partner will do the right thing by me when he settles down as we have friends that he wont want to look bad in front of. as my partners name is on the title to the house apparently i dont have any rights and so our friend said that im best to work through it so that i get my 1/2 without setting him off
 nocalsingledad
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 16
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have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:05:35 PM
"any feedback much appreciated"

Run like the wind.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 17
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have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:13:33 PM
Hun if you have 20% chances of getting killed, or beaten to a total pulp because it becomes totally bonkers, is that a risk worth taking? (guess someone already mentioned that)

I DO TOTALLY understand being used to the crazy chaos abuse during childhood causes, however you can see as an adult the 20%.

Getting out with out getting hurt financial, or emotionally IS NOT going to happen, that is what usually is the TRAP we create for our selves is worrying about financial and emotional loses. Hun, learn to value YOU, and what would happen if YOU lost your ability to function because it hits YOU instead of a wall.

It is to easy to create excuses of he's stressed, he doesn't know what he wants, I love and really he wouldn't hurt me. LOT OF DEAD WOMEN have said the very same thing.

Getting out is going to be the hardest and most dangerous of all...Ever hear of Nicole Brown Simpson?

Well if your lawyer freind can work as a mediator, and really is mediating then that may work. HOWEVER sometimes financial or material loss is the least of your worries.

In abuse counseling, you need to make a plan. I would suggest if your country has abuse centers, you see what they have that can help you through this time of transition as safe as possible.
 Calray
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 18
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:31:56 PM
I'm not sure what you're after in this scenario, but if I were you I'd be happy to get my half of the down payment and mortgage payments. Take those and start over. Then heed my advice like it were law punishable by death. Never buy a house with someone you're not married to.
 Lavinia10
Joined: 2/4/2008
Msg: 19
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:35:46 PM
You need serious professional advice, from independent sources. If he threatens you, you can file a police report.
Probably they guy does not even realize what he is doing: obviously you cannot mediate on this. Get yourself legal and emotional protection: you will need it.

Never buy a house with someone you're not married to
: I agree.

 Lovelytonou
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 20
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 8:20:42 PM

1. he admitted he tired to intimidate and scare me and said he was sorry

2. don't know if i can trust and believe in him anymore but if i don't he has the house over me and can say i was the one that didn't work with him to make us better

3. he has told me its no bodys business and threatened me if i speak to anyone with selling the house from under me

4. over the past few weeks he has fluctuated between loving and caring to crazy and cruel


Need you say more to arrive at your own answer? These are huge red flags. You can lose much more than your belongings and home. He sounds very unstable and irratic.
Run, don't walk. Things will work out later on; you have other priorities to consider such as you life, your emotional well being, your safety.
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 21
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 8:23:35 PM

How can I fault someone for being a little unstable?


A little unstable? This dude makes the San Andreas Fault look like a nervous tic.

There is something amiss with this man that is far more deep-rooted than stress. People like this flip-flop all the time; painting you white one moment, then black the next; a constant game of “I hate you, don’t leave me”. You are engaged in a dysfunctional dance that you are destined to repeat again and again if you stay with him. Believe me the horrible 20% is who this man REALLY is on the inside, he just keeps a cork on the bottle the other 80% of the time. Right now he may be able to go a couple of months at a time without a psychotic crazy-making episode, but as time progresses that 80% façade is going to crumble to nil. He verbally abuses you, blames you, criticizes you, threatens you, intimidates you, scares you, controls you---Hello? Why on earth would you even consider staying with such a colossal asshat? Is a stupid house really worth the price of your physical and mental health? Break like the wind!
 sevechten
Joined: 3/19/2008
Msg: 22
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 9:00:32 PM
Leave.

Now.

There is virtually no chance he will voluntarily agree to an equitable division of assets. There is a slight chance he will agree to divide them equitably in order to get you back, and if he does agree, there's a slight chance that he will improve enough to make a relationship.

If you don't get security for yourself, this is as good as it will ever be for you, it will only get worse from here.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 23
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have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 9:10:12 PM
I understand about the house being in his name too...

Here is an idea.. under the laws of your state that you live in.. would this partnership be considered common law marriage? If it is.. that might be your way out and you can file for a legal separation maybe even palamony..

I'd also go to a battered woman's group and see if they can recommend someone who can legally help you..

Folks this is what happens when you comingle your assets without benefit of marriage.. yes it is just a piece of paper.. but it is also a legal document that has rights attached to it.. to not have it is crazy..

Heck I have been reading the other posts they are better than mine.. I changed my mind... get your name off of the house... give him everything and get the he__ outa there.. it is just stuff who cares.. but get your name off the mortgage and off the deed if you can..
 someoneaussie
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 24
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 9:41:20 PM
i reallyt think he can't screw me too hard over the house. he is paranoid about what other people think and i am close to his family.

i am breaking up with him absolutly. i can't trust him and the scary thing that one of you wrote about the bad 20% being the real him and him just keeping a lid on it the rest of the time totally freaked me out

i need to tread carefully though. i have invested allot of money in this house and believe he will have to regognise it in a payout of some sort or sale and split. the $40,000 i put into the purcahse i owe my mum so it is pretty complicated and i have to try work out a reasonable settlement for her sake

man, this is toooo much. i just wish i could push a button and be done with it all. i really though i could truct him and he had changed though i never imagined he could put me in this situation. i really thinks he regreats it so i have to play to that to get away with what i can. he can kill me if he likes but hes not that stupid - he used to be a cop

thanks all and wish me luck....
 vro312
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 25
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 3/25/2008 10:03:01 PM
he can kill me if he likes but hes not that stupid - he used to be a cop


There have been quite a number of high profile murder cases in the United States involving cops or former cops killing their spouses. In fact, currently there is a former police officer in Illinois who seems to have murdered not one, but two of his wives. And, his behavior towards these wives has been described as very similar to what you are describing.

Regarding the property, it sounds to me like you have a lot more leverage than you think you do. See an attorney that is not associated with your boyfriend, for God's sake. A previous poster who is Australian suggested getting a "caveat" put on the house. I don't think we have those here, but if it's available, take care of it right away and move the hell out. Go live with your mom if you have nowhere else to go.
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