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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > On dating a cheapskate.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Change Of Pace
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 2
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On dating a cheapskate.Page 1 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
I would wonder how you would treat me once we were together...are the flowers and chocolates just something to snag me...that's what I think most women would be thinking.

I wouldn't care because I would keep my own money if it were a concern...I wouldn't move into your house if it needed loads of fixing up...I don't mind cheap clothes as long as they're neat and clean...I would want a car that was reliable and not held together by duck tape and chewing gum.

I've been married to someone who was frugal and it annoyed me...I will never allow myself to be pulled into it completely again.
 merry0709
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 3
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 9:25:50 AM
Yeah, I also would probably think that it is a snag tactic. I`ve had it pulled on me before, and worse yet, once they have you where they want you, they expect you to pay for "everything" not your fare share but everything. I have been around alot of selfish men, so I pretty much (assume- probably wrongly once in a while) that he is just
being generous to get what he wants out of me. I`ve never had a man, ( including my dad) take care of me in any way. That`s why I don`t even understand the concept.
In a way it`s good because it makes you strong. But in another way, when you "know" that you can`t count on a man for anything but to take, why put yourself through it?
I probably would consider extreme thriftiness a red flag and yes, I would assume that
he would expect me to live that way or pay for him in the future.
 galonthemt
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 4
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 9:27:05 AM
Any relationship other than marriage allows me to keep my finances and living arrangements seperate from yours, so I dont see a problem. If as you state your not overly cheap on dates, and if your car is not unsafe, and you are clean and presentable, It's cool.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 5
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 9:35:54 AM
I don't plan on a common budget situation (and a lot of women won't either) so this isn't a big deal to me. Long as he's not costing me money, what he does with his money is his business.

On the subject of giving gifts, I personally am uncomfortable with getting a lot of gifts due to a sense of obligation, you can thank my mother for that one. The woman never gave me anything that no strings attached to it. Luckily, I am pretty rare so most women won't have this problem.

As long as you're consistent about it, it's not a big deal.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 8
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History
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 10:38:42 AM
I appreciate smart investers. I would be more impressed by a man that upgraded and put a lot of time into his largest investment (like his home) than one that spends money flowers and candy. Cars depreciate, they are never a wise investment. Drive whatever you like but as long as I am buying my own car, house laptop etc it is no one's business but mine.
Buying a dumpy house in a good neighborhood, fixing it up yourself and sitting on a valid nest egg turns me on to no end.
 bassman1959
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 9
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 10:40:35 AM
Some of these comments from women really surprise me. He might call himself a cheapskate. But I don't see him as one. I would think women that have a good head on their shoulders and can see past their arms length would snag a guy like this. I drive an old car too. You see? To me, it makes a LOT more sense to buy quality and take care of it and make it last a long time. Sure.....it's a 1990 truck. But you know? It makes a lot more sense to me....to put that $30,000.00 it would take to replace it in my retirement account. That way I can live just as good when I am retired as I am living now. Probably even better.

I would also like to add, on buying a house. Sometimes it's not always a good investment. There are really only a few areas in the USA where it makes sense to buy a home as an investment. Of course if you are planning on living in it for 20 years or better it makes sense in most areas. It all depends on the market you are in.

 Westerly gael
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 10
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 11:01:25 AM
Both Carolann and Bassman have hit the nail on the head, very savvy the both of you as taking care of the future will be what takes care of you. investments such as retirement savings and homes are the way to go. Most people now look for that, as the innocence of youthfull encounters of in the moment are long behind (thank gawd) and as cold as this sounds, relationships should be taken as part of an investment attitude.
An investment of love trust and separate accounts, as many of us do have blended familys today, so at least 1/2 of what we had is now someplace else.
 Rachelle~C
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 11
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 11:19:52 AM
You are not a cheapskate you are economical. There is a big difference between the two. To be economical is an excellent trait in a person.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 12
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 11:27:55 AM
Dude
If the way you live your life and manage your money makes sense to, and works for, YOU! then why worry about anybody else's alarms? If the expense of buying better clothes or upgrading your ride, so as to present a better picture in the dating game is unacceptable to you, then don't do it. I'm not going to tell you that it won't put some women off, because that would not be true. And the women it puts off may not all be "gold diggers". Some will have had negative experiences with "frugal" men. Some may be willing to be involved with you but will put limitations on how "involved" that "involvement" becomes. Like there will never BE a "common budget".
The women who are OK with your thriftiness will mostly be women who are used to being independent and managing their own money. So keep your thoughts to yourself and don't tell HER how to handle her financial concerns. It will be seen as an insult to her intelligence.
Cindy O
 Sunnydays68
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 13
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 11:46:09 AM
I don't see you as a cheapskate, if what you're doing means being satisfied by meeting your basic needs. I find that to be an admirable quality, for several reasons.

I did, at one time, live beyond my means. I was young and stupid, and of course the resulting debt was a big price to pay. That's in the past and I'm happy to say MAJOR lesson learned! I now am cautious with my money and if I can't afford to pay for something up front, I simply don't buy it. I am not overly indulgent towards myself with the kind of car I drive (93 Mazda maintained well will run great for a few more years), with clothes (love sales, shop maybe twice a year), meals (dinner out twice a month, brown-bagging it to work 4 of 5 workdays a week), travel (nothing like Air Miles, they really do pay).

Perhaps because of the mistakes of my past, I am very conscious of the ridiculous levels of consumerism we are surrounded by at all times. Perhaps it's a sign of a flourishing economy, but I see people who are in their mid 20's who have $300,000 mortgages, new cars, all new goodies (furniture/electronics) to put in their new homes, constant travel.....Problem is, although a lot of these people have good jobs, a great economy cannot exist forever. All booms eventually bust. There is no way these people can continue to maintain that lifestyle when it is based entirely on their credit. Once they get "downsized" at work the bills will pile up, the cars/homes will have to be sold, and partytime as they know it will be over. Hopefully in the midst of their luxury buying spree they remembered to save some fraction of their income for retirement....

When I think about the kind of home I'd love to own, I think back to the first house my parents bought. It was a small 3BR bungalow with a semi-finished basement, ONE bathroom, no jacuzzi tub (how did they manage??!!!) and an eat-in kitchen (no dining room). Houses are no longer built like that because it's not what people want....they won't be satisfied with the most basic of shelters and the lack of luxury. No wonder a new "starter home" costs $350,000 minimum in Edmonton: Three bedrooms plus "flex room", dining room, family room plus sitting room, huge kitchen with granite countertops as far as the eye can see, new stainless steel everything, 3 bathrooms plus ensuite containing soaker tub and shower cubicle, attached double garage, large fenced yard, deck, all new toys and gadgets to fill the house and garage......and preferably before they reach 30 please! I could never justify spending that kind of money on myself when I know so well what it's like to struggle to pay rent!

People's expectations have become completely skewed in this soaring economy and what used to be considered luxury is now "basic needs". I am more impressed by OP's approach than I will ever be by somebody's massive collection of belongings (and mountain of debt that go with it). This does not scream "cheapskate," this says "common sense and comfortable retirement."

SunnyD
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 14
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 2:52:52 PM
Doing things for yourself is about caring for yourself. And, you know, they say you have to love yourself first before you can love someone else.
 Mister Incognito
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 15
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 3:00:41 PM

when they have you - their money is their own and your money is theirs also...




....only if you allow it.

 leeanna50
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 17
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 3:10:38 PM
I guess im alot like you, I dont spend alot of money on myself and choose to not waiste it, I put money back in my savings, I was raised poor, have a very good job, make very good money for a woman and yet I dont go out and waiste it at all, as far as a man buying flowers and candy and fancy places to eat at id feel very uncomfortable with him doing so, id surely mention to him he should save his money and not waiste it on stuff like that , money does not impress me what so ever nore someone spending it on me as well, yet on the other hand I have no problems spending my money to help someone less fortunate or in need of something, its like the show pay it forward , as far as a starter house id much rather be comfortable in something like that rather than a house I know is too expensive to live in and enjoy, our life now days people have got past the basic needs and all live for the wants and thats so wrong, if someone fears how their life will be with you their the wrong kind of person for you in the first place.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 18
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 3:16:20 PM
I once dated a man who had taken a beating in his fortunes. He said, "I might be poor, but I am not cheap."

The difference? When he and I went to the theater (cheap in Missouri), he paid to park in the garage. Another man I dated drove around town for 30 minutes and parked a mile away from our destination so he wouldn't have to pay for parking. I almost said that I would pay for the damned parking but was afraid it would hurt his sensitive male nature. We never had another date.

I am frugal; I live as well as people who make twice as much money as I do because of the way I shop, but I am not a cheapskate, nor would I hang out long with a cheapskate. If and when I live with someone or marry again, we will have "our" money, "his" money, and "my" money. He can spend his the way he wishes, or not spend it as he wishes; ditto for me.

It is not all in your head.
 DianaDaisyGirl
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 19
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 3:29:03 PM
Yes, yes and yes......there is a definite difference between minding your budget and being cheap....there is no reason not to treat yourself well and those you are with. That doesn't mean you have to spend alot of money, just keep yourself up. It does make a woman wonder how she would be treated after the gooey lovey-dovey feelings wore off....would you make her drive an old beat up car when it wasn't necessary just to adapt to your lifestyle? How embarrassing. I grew up poor also, and drive an older car now. But I keep it looking good. I'm very thrifty and buy cheaper clothes but find the bargains at expensive stores. You can be frugal without being cheap. Do you treat your dates like this now just to make them think you are something you really aren't ? I don't need much, but what I have I want to be able to be proud of. And I want whomever I am around to feel pride and pleasure at being with me. And it really doesn't take much to look good, have a nice vehicle and home with a little ingenuity and creativity. Why would I want to be with a man who didn't care about himself or his life and has no motivation to want to have any better ? He may end up not caring about me either.
 merry0709
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 20
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 3:48:31 PM
Personally, I haven`t seen this behavior much. I`ve usually ended up with the guy with the big house, gorgeous car, who didn`t want to spend a cent on me. I would think that your scenario is in the minority.
 Ima Lady
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 21
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 5:46:27 PM
I'm still not getting it. I don't see a cheapscape/cheapskate. (Oh man is it cheapskate, and all these years I've had it wrong lol)
My dad never bought clothes for himself, but mom and kids were fine. Always had houses, 'starters'.
Seems like a subtle way op, of saying hello to us ladies here in the forums.?? If I'm right, Hello. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry.
 violetstreak
Joined: 7/22/2007
Msg: 22
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 6:02:50 PM
I dont care what a man has or earns as long as he earns an honest living.
I dont need anyone to support or pamper me and I dont mind being the one to pay for dates or spoil/pamper/treat the man.

As long as the person doesnt voice a problem with how *I* choose to spend my money, or isn't opposed to occasionally splitting on things that make life more enjoyable (vacations, a decent hotel for a weekend get away) then I would date that person.

I dated a guy.... (UP UNTIL) he stood and watched me scrounge in my purse for $2.50 for a coffee... when I realized I had no cash, he then stood and watched me hold up the line while I used my debit card for a coffee. THAT to me is cheap.
I think you are fine.
 Adam 4 Coffee
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 25
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 8:18:09 PM
The only time its ok to be a cheapskate is when you don;t ahve money. if you got moeny you should treat yourself to some nice clothes once ina while and not be cheap with your lovers. Being frugal is for onp;y when you are living ona budget. I guess if you are happy with your crappy job and being frugal that;s good for you. Most people want to move upa little though and some women may find your lack of ambition a turn off. know I would not be happy saying at my job and sometimes I have a week where I spent too much money. I am never a cheapskate though. I buy expensive electronics and treat my dates like queens. Actually most of my money goes towards buying food for women.
 ForeverLong
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 26
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History
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 8:39:22 PM

Actually most of my money goes towards buying food for women.

That's funny, at least I hope they are homeless women you are feeding and not some cheapskates! There are a lot of cheapskate women whose ambition in life is to get free meals. Good thing I'm not into dating much after seeing how most women want a free ride and not contribute their share. After what I have posted on the forums I dont think I will get many dates from here, but that's okay!
 smileee4u
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 27
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/26/2008 8:54:19 PM
It would not be an issue, if you are good in bed!
 American_Iconoclast
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 29
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 12:47:06 AM
Living within your means is just smart.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 30
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 9:30:26 AM

So, I should be able to start to enjoy an occasional splurge, right? I can't. The little voice "oh, you could've gotten this for less" buzzes in and spoils the enjoyment.


The more I think about your topic, the more I begin to wonder if this isn't a low self esteem issue and not really about frugality at all. Also, if you spent a lot of years HAVING TO short yourself so someone else was happy, this mindset has probably become your comfort zone.


have no family (although I am still supporting my ex-wife),

Why? You mentioned tuition, so I'm guessing that she has a college education.
Is she disabled? Or are you supporting her as a means of CONTINUING to control her?

My thinking is that either you need to do some serious work on yourself, or else you are going to be limited in your options for a happy relationship. You will need to find a woman who is in tough financial straits, who is willing to turn over control of her life so you can base your self esteem on scrooging yourself/using money to control your partner.
There is nothing wrong with being mindful of spending and looking for the best deals on stuff you need to spend money on,as long as it is kept in balance. But I think you've become somewhat obsessive about it. And yes, unless you choose very carefully, with major focus on seeking women whose unhealthy financial values complement yours( therefore giving you CONTROL in the relationship),you ARE going to have conflict when it comes to shared finances.

I could add that this sort of thing is why mature adults might be better served to at least CONSIDER a "you and I" relationship (where love and emotional support exist but each maintains a separate household and minds their own finances) than the more common "we", attempting complete integration of values and philosophies that have been 25or more years in the making! When a man and woman in their 20s become a couple, they are still developing their values and philosophies,and it's so much easier to integrate them!
Cindy O
 bassman1959
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 31
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 9:47:11 AM
Ladyc4,

That could mean he is paying alimony. It doesn't seem to me that he needs any help at all.
He just needs a to find out where the better quality women are. He isn't trying to control anyone. So, he is good with money. That isn't being controlling.
It is better that a person is frugal than someone that insists on buying expensive gifts for someone when they can't afford it. I have a problem with people that just expect me to buy them stuff.
If he is happy in his lifestyle that is all that is important. Smart women will find him attractive. There already are a few on this thread that have said so.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 32
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 10:36:51 AM
Bassman1959
Forgive me if my understanding is flawed. I dont frequent the divorce courts so maybe my information is outdated, but wasn't the trend for awhile toward temporary or time limited spousal support,in divorces where support of minor kids WASN'T an issue, simply as a "bridge" until the nonworking spouse could find employment? Or has it swung back to the situation where an exwife is entitled to full support even if she could get work and support herself?

I saw nothing in his OT about finding "better quality women". He wanted to know if his frugality might cause friction in a serious relationship, where there might be co mingling of incomes and common financial interests/goals.
I think it will. There is nothing wrong with being smart about your money and living within your means. But the OP sounds like he has made being MISERLY towards himself a 'comfort zone', and I think that is a symptom of a deeper issue.

Why does he feel guilty when he spends disposable/discretionary funds on nonessentials? Why does he deny himself? The other thought that crossed my mind is that he would use the financial self denial to "guilt" a partner. Sending somebody on a "guilt trip" is ALL ABOUT control.
Cindy O
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