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 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 2
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from fat to thin Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
First off there OP, many congratulations on the weight loss, I totally know how difficult it is as I am doing it myself. Now secondly, me personally I would keep this thing with the guy you are referring to on a strictly friendly basis. If he had truly been in love with you, as he claimed to have been, he would have loved you no matter how you looked. But NOW that you have lost the weight he probably feels it won't look so bad being seen with you in public based on societies reactions to us heavier people. But honestly, if he had an issue with it and wasn't attracted to you until AFTER you lost the weight then I would say he is completely superficial and shallow. I for one had I ever found someone that we hit it off and there were some chemistry online and there was some in person I would not worry about what others thought and would just go for it and the naysayers be damned. But that will be up to you to ultimately decide if he is worth it, but since you have "switched teams" it really doesn't matter much does it, unless you are open to "both" teams. Again, now that you have lost the weight, but in any case I wish you much luck.
 BlahGrim
Joined: 1/29/2004
Msg: 8
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from fat to thin
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:26:48 PM
He is not COMPLETELY superficial and shallow. He is simply somewhat so. How much so is yet to be determined. Make no mistake, EVERYONE is somewhat superficial and shallow. I firmly believe that nobody can help this. Physical details are important to attraction and even how you emotionally feel about a person. Perhaps it is different for females, but for men it seems to be necessary.

Perhaps he is too shallow, in which case you should avoid him. Or maybe you no longer find him acceptable enough for you? That too isn't a bad thing. Basically, if you are interested in him now, then pursue that opportunity. If not, then don't do so. Base your choices on how you feel about him now.

I can understand the impulse of wanting to punish him for not finding you attractive before, but is that fair? Do you think he should have found you attractive before?

Enough of rum soaked rambling, my only point was that men Do have a strong correlation and connection between attraction and romantic feeling. Personally, I simply cannot be "In love" with someone that I am not especially attracted too.
 iamdjnme
Joined: 4/23/2007
Msg: 20
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from fat to thin
Posted: 3/28/2008 3:27:59 AM
Hey,

I would befriend this guy and see where it goes from there.I agree with both sides honestly, because each situation in life is so different.I think it sucks he couldn't get past your size at the time.For myself I don't know if I could accept a person after that happened even though you can understand the laws of attraction.

Have you two been talking for awhile now without dating?as friends?Maybe he just fell back in love with you for the same reason he did before?Now you look even better and that seals the deal for him?What has he been doing with himself since he broke it off?Hard to tell without knowing the guy and his history.

If you decide to allow him back into your life in that way.. ease into it.Explain to him what you posted here and your reservations about this.Be totally honest with him,expect the same from him.The ball is in your court, you did the work to look and feel great again.

Take the time to know this is right,it's easy to want and look for acceptance from people we once were not accepted or felt rejected by.Make sure this guy is right for you...and not that your right for him.
 WesternRose
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 21
from fat to thin
Posted: 3/28/2008 3:53:47 AM
OP...congrats on the weight loss that is a major accomplishment you must be so proud of your achievement.

Now tell the bum to drop dead.

look... you are a vital and important person, who deserves to be treated with respect at all times. This fella only sees the outside, the packaging.... that is how many people judge others.

'you don't know what you've got til its gone' .... He had a lovely gal and he let you go.
His loss.

many other fishies out there. best to you.
 Adam 4 Coffee
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 30
from fat to thin
Posted: 3/28/2008 7:31:36 AM
So let me get this straight you were so fat that no guy wanted you. so you "switched temas and dated other fat women who could not get guys. Or were that way to begin with. You met a guy and you clicked on a personality level but he could not date you as he did not find you physically attractive. You lose the weight and find that he can date you without feeling ashamed or his friends making fun of him. Yes guys think this way. It is a bit shallow and I have been with overweight women and gotten knocked for it. by friends and my parents and even strangers. I am sure that your female friends are judgemental about the company you keep as well.

Anyway throw all that shallow crap out the window. You both like eachother a lot and know eachother very well. There si no loyalty when switching teams. and jsut becuase you have been with a woman or women does not make you a lesbian or even bi-sexual people sometimes experiment to see what they like. So I say go for it and see what happens. And be nice to eachother!
 smartn2sexy08
Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 32
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from fat to thin
Posted: 3/28/2008 8:28:53 AM

Weight changes daily. Keep it in range and he'll be fine.


OMG -What kind of thinking is this. Life circumstances aren't always that easy to control. What happens if she is in an accident and cant walk and puts on some weight. He then leaves because he cant stand to see her fat. What do you sa to someone then. Guess you should have kept that weight in check. Thats why most of the women are saying if he didnt like her before she shoudnt give him the tie of day now.
 Mirage111
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 35
from fat to thin
Posted: 3/28/2008 9:27:27 AM
confession after a year of virtually no contact after you met....hmmm, his loss and perhaps a wakeup call.

Congrats on your weight loss and you deserve someone who would love you 100 pounds heavier or 100 pounds lighter. Dont settle for less than you deserve.
 VoxClamantis
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 41
from fat to thin
Posted: 3/28/2008 12:14:00 PM
Oh, this never happens with women, does it?

There was this girl I was mad about, but she only dated twig-thin guys. She wouldn't go out with me until after I had lost 50 pounds (I went down to 6'1" and 132#) by running out of money in Europe over the summer.

When I gained the weight back, I was history.
 SapphirePoet
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 43
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from fat to thin
Posted: 3/28/2008 12:38:00 PM
"if he cant handle you at your worst then he doesnt deserve you at your best .... "

Rennlaa88, you took the words right out of my mouth.
And he's a liar on top of it now, saying he wanted you to be healthy.
Tell him to kiss your now skinny cute ass!

You are beautiful and can have your pick of fish.
Throw this stinky one back in the pond girl.

Kudos on your weight loss.
I have lost 30 pounds and still losing and I know how hard it is.

Take Care
Deb
 [Duchess]
Joined: 11/20/2006
Msg: 58
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from fat to thin
Posted: 3/28/2008 3:49:33 PM
That actually happend to me UCC.
The way i saw it, was that if in deed he did care for me the way he inssited he had the weight wouldnt have mattered. I lost eighty five pounds, started at a gym and did a total body overhaul. After he started with that BS i just stopped talking to him. I didnt see him in the same light anymore. I didnt even want to be his friend. He was superficial and im a big believer of loving poeple for who they are.
 BlahGrim
Joined: 1/29/2004
Msg: 59
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from fat to thin
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:07:28 PM
How can anyone ever be sure someone won't leave them if they change? The OP will NEVER find a guy she can be 100% sure will stay with her if she gains that weight back. Nor if she went blind, was in a horrible accident/fire, or became asexual. You can only be sure of someone's attraction to you when you have witnessed them being attracted to you. There is NO true security in this, only faith and hope.

And the pregnancy thing... Are you kidding me? What man would leave a women carrying his child only because she gained weight? Didn't lose if afterwards and continued to gain..perhaps. Is this just conjecture? Unless a massive number of people told me that such had happened to them I refuse to believe that of humanity. Or perhaps statistical data?
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 61
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from fat to thin
Posted: 3/29/2008 4:44:10 PM
Op - great job on losing the weight and adopting a healthier lifestyle.

The fact that you ask, tells me there's something inside of you that's putting the brakes on with this guy. Rightfully so. I think you should remain friends with him. At the same token, now that your confidence is probably up, you've probably have new clothes, new hairstyle, why not go out and venture into the dating world. Go fishing for awhile. Let this guy sit on the sidelines.

What I question about this guy is if you should gain the weight back; get physically sick; or old and gray, is he willing to love you just the way you are! Sure, I know the world evolves around looks, but at some point in our lives, we don't always have the "youth and beauty" that the world is trying to define us by. It's really a sad world, that we expend so much energy, frustration, into being something that we're not (models).
 satx78218
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 63
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from fat to thin
Posted: 3/29/2008 9:36:43 PM
OP, sounds like it's time for you to give him the new you. :) (everything else being OK)

"Talking about genetic studies, satiety signals to the brain and that sort of thing."

A very tiny percentage of people have excess fat due to genetics or medical problems.

If genetics or medical problems are the cause of the USA overweight epidemic (it's actually a public health problem world-wide), why did the fat epidemic start 40+ years ago rather than 100s or 1000s of years ago? Genes and health has deteriorated into excess weight in only 50 years for 50+% of the poplulation, including fat kids, and teenagers with diabetes and heard disease?
 allsmiles324
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 65
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from fat to thin
Posted: 3/29/2008 11:55:51 PM
You gotta love these posts. Particularly the dogpiles. I'll bet that a large percentage of the people on here who state that if the guy couldn't accept you as you were then he doesn't deserve you are the very same people who wouldn't even give an overweight person a second look much less get to know them. That in my opinion is very hypocritical and then to come on here and judge someone else. Cant' have it both ways folks.

I say, if you have feelings for this guy, explore it and see where it goes. Opinions are like a--holes. Everyone has one.
 4YOU2KISS!!!
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 68
from fat to thin
Posted: 3/30/2008 3:53:02 AM
OP....first off BRAVO on the weight loss...


my advice to your post would be NOT A CHANCE!!!!!!!!!

"If you can't accept someone at their worst,... then you DON'T deserve them at their BEST!!!!!......"

words to live by...my favorite author Anis Nin


***** after reading many other posts I think most are not giving good advice

OP states that they talked and established a online friendship that continued for more then a year...FINALLY they met in person and he admitted her size was an issue and their friendship QUICKLY disappeared!!!!!!!.....(She says it all right there!!!)...if they really had a deep connection then honestly her size might not have been the issue it was for him as he would of grown to have feelings for her and been able to look beyond her physical appearance and see the beautiful woman within.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 70
from fat to thin
Posted: 3/30/2008 7:24:31 AM
1)I find it interesting the OP referred to weight loss "switching teams". Does that suggest weight is an identity? If so, then she's just as capable of labels as he...

2) The women who I've met, who were once pudgy, grew up investing in their personality as the only way to get attention and thus gain status among their female peers. After all of these women dropped their weight, guess who they dated? Yep, every one of them tried to land the hot guys they couldn't get before...and put up with the grief that came with it.

They were still trying to be like the other girls, to gain the status that cast them outside the group...instead of learning the value of personality over looks...

I predict the OP will do what makes her feel good. What will come of the man who came back for a woman who caught his eye originally?
 violetstreak
Joined: 7/22/2007
Msg: 75
from fat to thin
Posted: 3/30/2008 9:05:07 AM
First of all congratulations!!!
I guess this is a tough call... if you have always loved him, maybe you should take a chance with him.
BUt what if you regain some or all the weight? No one loses the weight and plans to regain it, but things happen in life..illness, injury, lifestyle...any of which could eventually lead to a weight gain. How will he handle that? Have you asked him that?

I think that when you love someone, you love them for every aspect that makes them who they are.
If there are things you arent crazy about initially, once you know and love the person, it seems to me that most people come to accept/ overlook the things they initially might not have been attracted to.
When my ex and I fell in love, I was average size, over time I became very fit... this didnt make him love me more. Over further time, I gained about 80 pounds. This didnt make him love me any less. He did admit that he found me more attractive when I was fit but it never stood in the way of us spending time together, or our sex life, or the way he treated me.
I felt every bit as loved at a size 14 as at a size 4.

I have met men that I wasn't particularly attracted to whether it be for physical reasons or other and then after getting to know them, I have fallen for them, felt intense attraction toward and never gave a second thought to the things that at first didnt appeal to me.
 jf468
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 76
from fat to thin
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:57:41 AM
I think she should give a man a chance. Attraction is a part of any relationship. Maybe he simply wasn't attracted to the OP when she was 100 lbs heavier. That doesn't make him shallow. Any person who loses a 100 lbs would look a lot different ( and in many cases much more attractive ) after the weight loss. If the OP became more attractive by changing her hairstyle or wardrobe, then I think less people would have a problem about this. Weight is a very sensitive issue for many women.

This is for all the women who are calling this man shallow and ignorant. Suppose you saw a man that was completely unattractive to you. You probably wouldn't date him. Then a few years later, you saw the same man and he was much more attractive. Would you be willing to date him even though you weren't interested in him a few years earlier? If the answer is yes, then you are a hypocrite.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 78
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from fat to thin
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:02:45 PM
I'm not sure what the point of the question is if the OP "switched teams" and is looking for women anyway. Will you be happy with a man in the long term?

On the weight loss issue, I would give him a chance. It's not like he wasn't attracted because of just 5 pounds. It's a 100. 100 pounds makes a big difference, and you simply can't get past not having a physical attraction to a person when you are thinking about having a relationship with them, so while it was unfortunate that he didn't pursue a relationship before, it's not like he could have done anything about back then. You will notice that you will turn more heads now that you've lost the weight. That's just natural.
 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 79
from fat to thin
Posted: 3/30/2008 2:11:34 PM
If a man wasn't interested in a woman just because she was 10-20 lbs overweight, then maybe he would be too picky. However a 100 lbs is a major difference. A woman that is 100+ lbs overweight is morbidly obese. Most people aren't going to date someone they aren't attracted to. Most people aren't attracted to someone who is morbidly obese. Also, you aren't the same person after you lose or gain a significant amount of weight. Physical appearance is a part of who you are.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 85
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from fat to thin
Posted: 3/31/2008 10:43:00 PM
Hey OP, did you think your were attractive, sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally, when you were fat? That wasnt fat, that was obese. It would be really hard to deal with an extra 100 pounds of fat on someone. That is a lot to deal with. People are fat, obese for a hundred reasons, and there are usually more issues to deal with than just a fat body. depression, self esteem, cardiac, diabetes. And some of the posters are saying tough luck, he is to blame, cause he couldnt see the real you for all the fat. He is to blame because he didnt think he could take on all of that?

would you, now that you have lost it, date someone that big? That is almost an extra body.
 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 91
from fat to thin
Posted: 4/1/2008 8:13:24 AM
I'm overweight and I'm engaged to a guy who is 6'3, gorgeous and intelligent, but most of all, kind. He does not "helpfully suggest" that I lose weight and won't hear of me referring to myself as anything other than drop dead sexy. None of you should settle for any less than that. Let the guys who feel the need to pontificate endlessly about women's weight suffer alone, and find the real gems out there who will love and respect you regardless. I can assure you, they are out there.


I find it interesting that many women think that weight shouldn't matter when it comes to dating. Being overweight doesn't make you a bad or unhealthly person. However a lot of men simply aren't attracted to overweight women especially ones that are morbidly obese like the OP was before she lost 100 lbs. There are some men that are attracted to overweight women and not attracted to thin women. Very few overweight women complain about that because they match that man's body type preference or requirement. There is NO difference between liking overweight women and liking thin women. Also many overweight women will complain about men rejecting them due to weight. But they have probably rejected men that they aren't attracted to. Short men, bald men, men with long hair, black men, white men, fat men, skinny men etc. That's a double standard.
 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 95
from fat to thin
Posted: 4/1/2008 9:30:40 AM
I never said weight shouldn't matter. I understand that there are physical preferences. I did say that men who prattle on about it aren't worth the spit in the sink, and that women deserve better. I also said (or implied) that attempts to "pretty up" a disdain for fat women are transparent and fool nobody into thinking that you are not superficial.


I thought you were implying that weight shouldn't matter. I apologize for misinterpreting your post. However what I stated in my previous post does apply to many ( not all ) overweight women.
 naturenutmn
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 105
from fat to thin
Posted: 4/2/2008 8:43:20 AM
This is a tough one for me as well. I am planning to have gastric bypass surgery in the coming months. I started dating about 4 months ago. I debated whether to wait until I lost weight to really look for someone or if I should go for it. I decided to go for it. The men have been very cool about it. However, there are some that really like big girls so it can go the other way too. I don't want someone who likes big girls only because when I lose weight then they won't want me anymore! It's tough either way. I just figured I am the same person either way and I'd really like to find someone who will accept me either way. Maybe it is naive on my part, but that's my ultimate goal.
 naturenutmn
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 106
from fat to thin
Posted: 4/2/2008 8:44:33 AM
But my advice to you is that he doesn't deserve you. He was too shallow to accept you even though he loved your personality.
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