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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > number one priority      Home login  
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 wisguyingb
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 1
number one priorityPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I hear so many single mothers say that "My kids are my number one priority" What the heck does that mean? I understand that your kids are very very important. But if they are the #1 priority then where does this put the guy/boy friend? Is he just a convience? And what should be his #1 priority? What if he puts the woman as his second or third priority behind football and golf..etc. How would that make a single mother with this sort of viewpoint feel? I mean after all he is not really a priority, right?
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 2
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number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 12:48:05 PM
I raised 2 children alone. They were my #1 priority. If a woman doesn't put her children first, what kind of woman is she? Someone you want to be with? If she neglects her OWN children, what is she going to do with you down the road?
 Murf167
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 3
number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 1:00:34 PM
Kids should be the #1 priority. Raising a good human is one of the most profound and fundamental responsibilities a person could have. But it's hard for a guy to know that he's always going to come in second place to a woman's kids. This is why it can be more difficult for single moms in the dating world.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 4
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number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 1:02:35 PM
^^^ So, prioritize your priorities??


~ds~
 wisguyingb
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 5
number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 1:02:45 PM
LOL, Its just a observation that I have made after reading many profiles. I actually don't date single moms. Just not for me.
 SeattleRob
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 6
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number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 1:34:16 PM
Anyone that doesn't put themselves first needs to seriously evaluate their priorities. If you don't take care of yourself, what is going to be left to give/share with others? There is a reason the airplane oxygen mask instructions say to put yours on first: if you get so distracted putting on someone else's that you pass out, you're both doomed.

Life is choices. While it may be well intentioned, it's a red flag for me and I move on...
 dontmakecookies
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 7
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number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 1:40:55 PM
Some people put in "no players"

Some put in "I haven't spent time in a federal prison"

Others put in "my children come first"
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 8
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number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 2:12:56 PM
It means one of two things:
1) She is a responsible parent. If little Johnny needs to go to the ER, she'll call and cancel, the same as you would if your flat-mate suddenly developed a case of acute appendicitis.
2) She caters to her children's every little whim. If little Johnny doesn't want to share his mommy's attentions, or if he still hopes to get his parents back together, she's a no-go.

You have to use your own judgement to decide which one she is.
 ShadowLands
Joined: 3/25/2008
Msg: 9
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number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 3:34:10 PM
I look at it from a different point of view.

I am my #1 priority. IF I take care of me then everything else just naturally gets taken care of and that includes my kids. Someone mentioned taking the kid shopping when the boyfriend needed to go to the hospital......that's just dumb. Common sense dictates that someone's health comes before a trip to the mall.

When planning events with someone who has children you just have to include the kids into the equation. It is a package deal. Period. People will tell you that their kids are their #1 priority so that you will know they are important. Don't know why......everyone should know their kids are important. If you tell someone up front that you have kids they SHOULD be intelligent enough to understand the situation.

If not....kick their ass to the curb.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 10
number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 3:49:28 PM
We know you love your kids. Even the nulliparous amongst knows this. But I would think a part of being a good parent is being a well-rounded person--which includes making lasting relationships in a sexual context--so that your KIDS grow up to, in turn, model you and see they, too, can be well-rounded. You can still love your kids and make a relationship a priority in life. Too many parents these day give up their OWN lives to be everything for their kids--this is a poor model for children, IMHO.
 wisguyingb
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 11
number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 7:11:51 PM
Exactly my point happygirl. And this is exactly why there are so many "bitter" single young mothers out there whom cant seem to find a good man. Guys want to be wanted to. So why even waste time with somebody who has no time to devote, and that may have made a mistake or two in her past when it came to the type of men she chased in her past.
 wisguyingb
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 12
number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 7:14:20 PM
And if her kids are her #1 priority, then why even bother looking for a man?
 wisguyingb
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 13
number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 7:33:29 PM
Finally someone says it like the way it is..lol

[/A few of them only keep men around for "Pleasure Reasons" Granted it isn't right but they do it anyway. If the guy isn't the #1 in her for whatever reason he needs to figure out whether or not this is what he really wants. ]

so they pretty much use the guy to get what they want, then have more kiddo's, find another guy for "pleasure" and have more kiddo's. LOL sounds like my sister, and is she ever strapped for cash..hahaha. Not getting any from me..hehe
 Adam 4 Coffee
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 14
number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 7:34:22 PM
So many single women with kids on thsi site. Don't people where condoms anymore? Don;t men take responsibility for their actions? Ever hear of the pill or an abortion? to me having kids is like a death sentence and it is irresponsible to raise childen if you cannot afford to. But lets say tis too late. Your preggers and for some religious reason or you thought this guy was the one you hadt eh baby. And the Jerk left you. You have to put your kids first they are more important than anyone else.

Having personal relationships comes second after family. Actually paying your bills and educating your chiold should come before getting laid. Don;t get me wrong I love children but I just cna;t stand the lack of responsibility and seeing women younger than me who ahve kids and are single. And a lack of responsibility for not using birth control. I always wear a condom.
 wisguyingb
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 15
number one priority
Posted: 3/28/2008 8:56:28 PM
I agree with you there, But her kids are really not my problem. Personally I am more old fashioned, and am not about to have a bunch of hellraisers that are not even mine trudging through my house. Plus anytime you attempt to disipline a single mothers kids, you get the "Don't you yell at my kids" thing. I think it would be best for the single mothers to search out single fathers. And not single men with no kids.
 wisguyingb
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 16
number one priority
Posted: 3/29/2008 6:31:26 AM
ok ok. For the record everbody. I do not date single moms, and I am very mature. I was just trying to point out that amost every single moms profile says this phrase. "my kids are my #1 priority" We know this, and you do not need to tell us.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 17
number one priority
Posted: 3/29/2008 7:29:49 AM
Here's a theory:

these particular women are posting this requirement, in response to the type of men they attract. so, how do they keep attracting these immature men? something in common?


Kids are a priority, for sure. But they shouldn't be the only one. HOWEVER, if you're a single parent, its hard to have interests, pursuits, etc. Kids are fun to make, but after that...they tend to time-suck. I say that as a former mother****er

Seriously, this is one of those "both sides of the fence" arguments...
 dontmakecookies
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 18
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number one priority
Posted: 3/31/2008 7:24:49 AM
wired differently

While there's little debate men and women are wired differently they are not wired* differentially to put their children first in the way we observe it today. That's a social thing. It's a cultural evolution, not biological. As little as 100 years ago in western society babies were thrown out in the trash when they were not wanted as a common occurrence. Infanticide was quite common in industrial Europe and NA. It was usually performed by Mothers alone while the spouse was at work or away.

On the other hand, this prioritizing of children over your spouse is spilling over into men. There is an increasing probability of men putting their kids first over their spouse to the detriment of their marriage. This was relatively uncommon in the middle class in the past and was typically only observed in the wealthy.

Perhaps its because the expected lifetime of the spousal relationship is 4-7 years while the child one is closer to 18. So why put that more temporary relationship first?

*By wired I'm interpreting the comments to be one of innate biology and given at birth. Of course cultural learning changes one's wiring as they grow so it's all wiring. It's just a matter of whether it's learned or innate.
 CherylCake
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 19
number one priority
Posted: 11/16/2008 5:55:43 AM
My last BF had his Mother come first. Not gonna work.
 CherylCake
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 20
number one priority
Posted: 11/16/2008 6:08:57 AM
My last BF had his Mother come first. Not gonna work. The thing about revolving around your kids, is that it makes them feel in charge. That makes em insecure because they need clear boundaries. They need to know you love them enough to set those boundaries. Sometimes the boundary is that you need some time alone with your spouse.When the couple is happy, the kids are happy. When the kids are in charge, the clowns run the circus.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 21
number one priority
Posted: 11/25/2008 5:31:57 AM
If the gal (or guy in that case) does the priority thingy with logic - the non-parent don’t get ran over too bad.

The only “goof” that some gals do is - forget that THEY have to come first. They have to survive over and above their children in order to be there for their children.

All people have to realize that THEY must be of utmost importance in their own lives. I realize the PC set will dispute that but it is true.

When it comes to mommy (or daddy) putting the kid(s) first can be done in a realistic fashion and no one feels neglected.

A male friend had a live in gf. She had a 10 yo son and a 15 yo son. The 15 yo used his mom’s (my kids are first) to the max and the mom let the kid. She always stood with the kid. I could NEVER live like that.

I married a gal with two little girls. I knew what the pecking order would be - but turns out the mom was logical. The mom was smart enough that she not only let me be the dad - she WANTED me to be the dad.

I WAS the dad and everyone knew it from day one. All those years it was "ask your dad" (if she did not want to tell them no or wanted to hand it off to me)

End results ..... no non-parental friction - none. Two educated - grown - married girls that still call me dad and treat me like dad.

OP ..... don’t be silly. The right female will be smart - everyone wins.

-------------

ugg - I forgot to look at the OP date - I no doubt said the same thing months ago lol
 southaustingal
Joined: 11/2/2008
Msg: 22
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number one priority
Posted: 11/25/2008 6:35:03 AM
It is all about balancing. Someone who says children are the number 1 priority means that when my kids need me or I need to be there for them then that takes center stage. You couldn't pry me away from my son's football game and after every good play he looks for me cheering him on. But there are times when a man's needs come first or a special friend or even work. And there are times when my needs come first in order for me to take care of everyone else. So when someone (man or woman) says "my kids come first" I would first of all respect them for working hard to raise a child correctly and second, I would see where I would fit in on their love priority scale. There really is a lot of room for all kinds of love.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 23
number one priority
Posted: 11/26/2008 8:27:18 AM

Why quit dating just becuase you got kids?????


Indeed? Why stop wh*ring around and sleeping with strangers just because you have a few pain in the ass kids sitting around on the couch.

Wow.
The intellect displayed within this entire forum is discouraging.
I hope there aren't any children reading this.
Wait - there's only a bunch of children and child-like behaviors inside here.

Ick. Some of you people should feel ashamed - the problem is you're too ______ to know who you are, yeah fill the blank in for yourself.
 dontmakecookies
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 24
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number one priority
Posted: 11/26/2008 2:03:08 PM
I feel like I should put, "see post 102", every few posts now.

I'd just like to add that...

My Mother loves children. She had 5 of her own. She adores her grandchildren. She was the oldest girl of a dozen and second "Mom" to many of them. She was a Nanny when we got older, and the children in her charge still run up to her and throw their arms around her when they see her and yell, 'Nanny!' She was like a second Mom (maybe first really) to my son when he mother left. I knew, and know, my Mother loves me tremendously and always did what she felt was in my best interest. To this day she still worries about me.

My Father is a strong silent sort of fellow but surprisingly sensitive. Being brought up like an only child he didn't know much about kids starting out. He just knew he wanted my Mom. But he grew to love his children and I remember the time he spent teaching me to work on the car. There was no doubt in any of our minds that our father would provide for us and give us whatever we needed. There was no doubt we were among the most important people in the world to him.

But my Mom put my Father first 100%. And he did the same for her over, not just their children, but anyone. That was not negotiable in our house. Just about the most stupid thing you could try to do was come between them. And you know what? He still sleeps in her bed every night about 45 years later in a house that's usually devoid of the children they raised to be able to go out and have families of their own.

And, if you ask them, they're both very happy about that.

I feel very fortunate to have parents like them, that still love each other like crazy to this day. I certainly wouldn't trade it to have had any of my childish demands met, or an extra activities class, or even to know how to play the violin.

Use that information to prioritize as you will.
 dontmakecookies
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 25
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number one priority
Posted: 11/26/2008 3:29:31 PM
Whether they were my "natural" biological parents or not is pretty irrelevant to the story I wrote.

You're absolutely right that a person** dating another person who already has kids is a different story. I was intentionally writing a different story to give some context, and some understanding that sometimes kids don't come first. Not sometimes, as in little ways, but in really big ways, as the story reveals.

And when you take a defensive position at the outset that your children will always come first it's possible that you preclude a relationship like I described.

(Having been a single custodial parent myself, and having read other posts on the thread, your characterization of this only about men dating women with kids is not correct.)
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