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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Never marrying again....      Home login  
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 nvrgvup46
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 2
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Never marrying again....Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I agree with you for the most part. I've been divorced for 13 years. In that time, I've had only a very few relationships I would consider serious, or semi-serious. It's true that people who are on their own long enough do get set in their ways... All I know is that sometimes, it is hard to realize that you may die without a spouse. Then again, I realize that I AM set in my ways, probably to the point of where it would be a challenge for any woman to break that way of life I've come to know and be oh so comfortable with. Seems I usually end up getting burned anyway! LOL If there ever is to be anyone I would consider marrying, the conditions would have to be so perfect and exact, that it is probably mathematically impossible for marriage to be in my future ever again. I'd probably have better odds at playing Powerball! Good luck with your decision.
 WesternRose
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 3
Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/1/2008 10:35:05 PM
I am going to take a shot at this.

Met him at age 19, first boyfriend, married him at 21.....3 kids late in the marriage...divorced him last March after 26.5 years together.

Starting life alone, just me and 3 young daughters at age 45.

I have been divorced now 1 year and 4 days!... up until a month ago I would of answered the question of marriage again by stating: Not on your Life!...No Freakin Way!...Never Ever Never Again!... No Need for the Ball n Chain again.

now...well in the last few weeks...I have grown, calmed down and gotten over the distaste and the fear of committing to someone again...being the loyal spouse...now my response would be.
Never Say Never.
Yes, I am willing to open up to the possibility that love may find me again and my broken heart will be mended.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 7
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/1/2008 11:43:03 PM
Graysam, would you be opposed to a commitment ceremony? That way you two can confess your forever dying love to each other...If that is his issue, and you can avoid the legal red tape that you don't want to tie your life to? JAS
 cmdr_iceman
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 13
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/2/2008 4:29:22 AM
Been there done that! Never again. It was only for a mere three years when I was 19yrs old but that was more than enough time for me to learn about myself and realize that I can feel too easily smothered and thus need my own space, privacy and a great deal of solitude.

Besides being a husband today in Western culture doesn’t have the cachet it used to turn on the TV and see how your average husband is portrayed usually it is as bumbling lazy oaf, or a physically violent philanderer.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/2/2008 5:36:54 AM
Stevelfun makes a good point. You can protect yourself financially and if you are cohabitating from a legal standpoint you are married already so you really do not give up anything with the exception of the ability to make decisions in medical situations and perhaps contests to wills, the same situations faced ironically by homosexual couples. So the big aversion is because you are afraid that he will suddenly change when you wed or that you cannot live up to the lifetime commitment?

I don't think I can explain this but I think I am the same way as your guy. I certainly have no financial need for marriage nor do I need to be married to have kids because I am done in that department. I don't NEED to be married morally nor do I think it would make any difference to my children if I were living with or married to a man as long as he treated me and them well; they recognize and understand commitment whether legitimized by society or not and outside of an SO their opinions are the only ones that matter.

Marriage is a declaration and a promise that you will stay with that person for better or worse, but it is also an institution that is supposed to be supported by the community. A friend, who btw is nearing 25 years, was married by a minister who said something unique, that this wedding party is not just to be present on this day but on every day of this marriage encouraging and supporting this couple.

So I guess for me, that is part of marriage and why I probably would want to do it again if I felt I found the right person, it is taking that further step beyond a commitment and living together. Perhaps the commitment ceremony would satisfy what he wants, the public declaration of love and commitment, without what you see as a piece of paper the apparently detracts from what is between you. Perhaps for you marriage means having to do things instead of wanting to, or the potential to take each other for granted, which exists whether you have that slip of paper or not.

The sudden need may also be that he wants to know that you really trust him, that you would take what for you would be a real leap of faith with him. Initially the no marriage thing didn't bother him because he was probably like you, thinks it creates more potential for harm than good but perhaps his love has grown so much that he wants to show you and get from you the ultimate symbol of trust.
 Nancy54534
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 17
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/2/2008 7:20:18 AM
Well after being divorced and widowed I'm not inclined to marry again. Also for those who are seniors there is the question of financial security with pensions and SS also.
The issues you have to deal with are numerous and just talking about them may produce some eye opening results. Housing, bills, insurance, cars, children, joint accounts or separate, medical issues giving power of directives and attorney the list goes on and on if you don't want to legalize the union. If this is a joint decision then
please consult with an attorney to get the legal advice since both are involved and
money and property are thorny issues sometimes. Do you want joint survivorship or move the issues to kids instead of SO for some things. Is this the person you want to make the call for any final issues if you become sick or incapcitated or some family member who might just disregard your wishes and do as they see fit.
Remember also in many states you have do a formal eviction if the relationship/union doesn't work and that other party won't budge or leave gracefully.
If both names are on the bills who might get left holding the pay offs and credit screwups if not paid
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 21
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/2/2008 9:03:47 AM
When I got divorced in 1987 (after 10 years of marriage), if someone would ask "will you remarry"? First thing that would come out of my mouth is "hell no". While I haven't remarried, I'm not totally ruling it out. For me, it'd have to be the right man, the right time, and for all the right reasons. It'd take one hell of a guy to spin my head around that'd encourage me to take the leap again.
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 22
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/2/2008 9:41:21 AM
I don't want to get married a third time but I'd love to go on another honeymoon
 nocalsingledad
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 30
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/2/2008 3:53:21 PM
I hate to say "never" but at the same time, it is going to be something that I won't be ready to do again for quite some time.

But I will say this ... if you are not going to get married, make SURE you have an up to date will. This goes double if there are any children involved in the relationship. Without something explicitly stated in a will, your partner will be entitled to exactly nothing and depending on how many living relatives you have, you could find everything you own going to the government and your sweetheart left with nothing.
 ChicagoStyle
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 36
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/2/2008 4:25:24 PM
WOW!!!

I agree with you 100%. I donot really care to get married either. Even though I am only 32 and never been married, I really don't see why it is so necessary. If you love eachother and you both want to do it, that's fine. But when people say things like you are supposed to get married, who made that rule?

It's probably different if you want to have kids, a family, etc... But, I don't want kids. I am not opposed to dating a women with kids. I have in the past and will continue to do so if I meet someone that I like and she happens to have kids. That isn't an issue.

But, I just don't want to get married. Is that so wrong? Some people seems to think so. Ohh well. Live and let live I say.

But, I don't see why you need a piece of paper to prove to someone how much you really love them.

And again, I know some people simply want to get married some day. Go for it I say. I wish you luck. I am not opposed to marriage, it's just a move I don't want to make.

Falling in love for the rest of our lives would be great though.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 54
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/3/2008 7:44:23 AM

When one prefers to keep things in the moment, see how it goes, make no promises, then the other is a fool if they count on the future.

That is me. I'm the "in the moment" girl. And I told him I could not promise him a future. pfft, who among us is delusional enough to count on the future occurring one way or another? Just because we'd like it to be so? The future laughs at us for trying to control it.

I can only promise now. "Now, now, now - and if you collect enough nows you will eventually find yourself in last month's future. What you create right now IS your future.

I'll be honest and I'm fully in or not. A believer in you're either "inside the tent peeing out, or outside the tent peeing in"

I'm ambivalent about marriage; I will not say never yet I do not need it to define love.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 57
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/3/2008 7:59:54 AM

I want to share a life with someone but I will never again let someone BE my life.

What strikes me about this post Greysam, is the possibility that the issue is not marriage but trust in yourself. It seems you do not fully trust yourself to be married without losing yourself in it. If that is the case it is an artificial barrier you are placing between he and you, rather than doing the work of creating healthy boundaries on your own.

^^ Try that on and see if it fits.
 ChicagoStyle
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 64
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/3/2008 2:50:22 PM



For that very reason, it’s no longer a priority of mine so I do understand where you coming from. But hey, if you love the guy and it’s what he wants why not just do it for him.

I think to marry someone just because they want to get married when you donot is a huge mistake.

If someone is so persistent to get married and you donot want to get married, it's time to have a long talk.

Don't get married just to make someone happy. You just might end up resenting them later on. Maybe not. No one here knows the future. So, if your willing to take that chance, go for it. If not, have that talk.
 ShadowLands
Joined: 3/25/2008
Msg: 67
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/4/2008 12:01:36 PM
I do not want to be married again. Twice was enough. I simply do not believe that there needs to be a legal document nor the state/local government involved in a relationship between a man and a woman.

A long-term relationship would be very nice. However....I have trust issues so I've got some work to do on "me".
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 68
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/4/2008 2:03:29 PM
I just read today an article on the divorce rate. Ive been married twice, almost the third time. Ive learned alot from those relationships. I want to come first with me. 30 years of giving to others, taking care of others. going without, so they can have what they want or need. I dont want to take on the workload of a man. I know, some will say against this, but I was never in any relatioship that I didnt do the majority, if not all, the cooking, cleaning, kids. If I could find a guy, truly willing to do the 50/50 thing, I might consider clearing some space in the closet, or giving up control of the remote occassionally. I find I feel smothered after a few days, or maybe I am exhausted from trying to make everything perfect, while he lays back on the couch watching ballgames while i cook and clean. If I did remarry, I would like to try being the husband this time. You know, work, come home, sit in the recliner, clean clothes without any effort, when called go to the table and eat, go back to the easy chair, able to pursue all my interests, and if a problem arises, call a repairman. I have raised children for 30 years, I dont want another one. I know, not all guys do this, but the ones I have come across, have.
 that sam i am
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 77
Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/5/2008 11:55:27 AM
What? I don't even have plans to marry in the FIRST place.
 allmynamestaken
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 79
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:11:51 AM
If you truly believe there's no difference, mental, legal, etc., between committing forever and getting married, why not just get married?
 dontmakecookies
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 82
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Never marrying again....
Posted: 4/12/2008 11:13:28 AM
Graysam... it sounds like you're not in the least opposed to marriage.

What you're opposed to is some kind of thing you've got in your head that you think marriage is. That word is connected to a bunch of stuff that makes it distasteful to you.

But given that you are willing to go through a commitment ceremony and dedicate your life to being with the same person until the day you die... then you're not actually opposed to marriage.


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