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 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 1
Took me by surprisePage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I have always been a very honest person. I met a man who I was with for over 2 years (and was engaged to him). He would write me songs, we laughed together and had quite a bit in common . . or so I thought.

Apparently secretly he was "seeing" another woman that he knew from work.

This woman is not very bright and couldn't ever imagine holding down a conversation with her. He said he was not intimate with her but who knows.

She has no intelligence, no money and has a reputation of using men to pay her way.

Now my question. . . what is wrong with this picture.

I am well educated, intelligent, articulate and a strong person. I feel that maybe he is threatened by this and wants to be with someone who is needy and inferior to him and he might feel a bit sorry for her financially.

He has come back to me quite a few times proclaiming his love and devotion. Last time he came back he was confused. Well . . round 4. He is back with her again but lied about it until he was confronted.

Why do men think they can get away with playing with peoples minds. Bye the way . . women do the same thing too.

Although this is not the entire story nor all the facts I would like your thoughts and input.

Thanks!
 willowbunny
Joined: 7/20/2006
Msg: 2
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Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:28:57 AM
Maybe he felt superior to the other woman, and liked that feeling. You are obviously his equal. Men aren't always comfortable with that....yes, yes, I know some women like to feel superior too but it is still natural for a man to want to be the leader/main provider in a couple in most of Western society, despite all the good works of the suffragettes. You being clever and witty etc maybe made him feel less of a man. I'll probably get slated for that comment.
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 3
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:39:01 AM
You are absolutely right.

I do deserve better. I suppose I wanted to believe that there is always room for change. I no longer use my heart but I use my logic which directs me. So far it has worked.

It was a difficult time since before him, I decided that I wanted to be alone and spent 7 years that way. I opened my heart to him. That's it.

1 time should have been the end. He came to my job so emotional (a side I had never seen).

Well he is with her once again, which was no surprise. They deserve each other. He better get a 2nd job as she is going to financially bankrupt him which is their business not mine.

Thanks for writing!

L
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 4
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:42:32 AM
Thank you so much for your kind advice.

I know that he is bad news with deep issues. Quite dissfunctional I might add. I am the total opposite personality and that is what I think made him so drawn to me. I am a Native New Yorker and he is from Florida. I am very direct, honest and care much too much about other people.

He is bad news and he will never put me in that situation ever again. Let him be with the mindless wonder. They deserve each other.

Time that I moved on . . . I don't need any man. I have enough male friends and that's quite fine with me.

Thanks again for writing!
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 5
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:45:58 AM
Most men want to at least feel the "Superior" role.

I never went that extra step to make him feel less of a man. He is very easy going until "he" decided he didn't want it that way.

I can understand the human mind. That's probably why you see these "older" wealthier men with token young women. What could they possibly have in common. . . us "older" women know.

He has crossed my path for the last time in the romantic way. That's why I don't want to date, have a relationship or long term relationship. I'm done!
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 6
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:47:38 AM
What's simply amazing is that she does not have the looks. . .although they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If she passed you . . . not man or woman would give her a second look. She is from Venezuela and has a hard job speaking proper English.

Oh well. . such is life
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 7
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:49:54 AM
Poor choice of words . . sorry . . I won't allow it.

My son wants to put him through a wall. I have a 33 year old son who is not small by any means. Anyone who crosses his mom is doomed. I have calmed him down though because he knows that I can handle things.
 JamesP166
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 8
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Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 12:01:18 PM
Clearly she has something that he desires - - -

a lot of times people are not aware of how they come off - - - - and the message that they send to the man - - - -

Time to take stock of him, her and yourself - - - and see what is really going on - -

and how come - - -

you are set in terms of work and money - - - the other is not - -
so she is more needy and knows the game - - might be dumb but can play it
and survive - - - and part of this is to be more sexy, willing, and play on his manhood and ego. You know the game that women play because us men fall all over ourselves when women do this to us. - - -

while you are coming off - - - - how are you?

Jim P
 Miashakti
Joined: 9/11/2007
Msg: 9
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Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 12:04:50 PM
Could it be that people have many facets, and sometimes it takes many different people and experiences to learn about and integrate these facets?

You can downgrade his 'bimbo' all you want...but what seems to be so is that she does offer him something....That is obvious.javascript:smilie('')

He probably loves you for who you are, and her for who she is, and doesn't have the courage to say so...so he says he's 'confused'.

Can you expand into that possibility and love him for who he is...

Can you rise above your judgments and see that there is nothing 'wrong with this picture' except the constructs in your mind?

Try to love him, and you.....and that may set both of you free...to love.

Check out my forum history if you feel so moved...especially the article on Compersion

Good luck to youjavascript:smilie('')
 Miashakti
Joined: 9/11/2007
Msg: 10
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History
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 12:08:22 PM
Venezuelens are emotionally warm, and sexually hot and juicy...

No amount of smarts can win over that...you can be equally loved but different...but hard to compete...

Bottom line..Hot is hot
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 12
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 12:46:02 PM

Why do men think they can get away with playing with peoples minds.

The answer to your question in part lies in the following element of the same post:


He has come back to me quite a few times proclaiming his love and devotion. Last time he came back he was confused. Well . . round 4. He is back with her again but lied about it until he was confronted.


The first time, it was his "bad". After that first time and each time you take him back thereafter, you then became an active participant and it becomes both your "bads". At the end of the day, no matter how little sense it makes, he is making his choices. Take your focus off of him - it's not helping you. You have choices here too. Either stay involved in this dance, which in effect gives him permission to continue this "game" or choose to walk away and not look back.

 dogs rule
Joined: 10/12/2007
Msg: 13
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 12:57:02 PM
He has lied to you to hide it, weather he is cheating on you or not you can't ever trust him anymore. Get rid of him and hit the NEXT button.
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 14
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:24:06 PM
So very true!

Went 3 rounds too many.

I let my heart lead me instead of my logic and intelligence.

Those days are gone.

Keep your fingers crossed for me as I venture out on my own. . . and I mean own.
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 15
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:26:31 PM
Hello Jim,

So true.

Sexuality means a lot to a man especially when he is "going through that mid life man thing".

I am holding up pretty well considering he was my love after 7 years of being alone.

I am emotionally stable and know what direction I am going in.
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 16
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:31:32 PM
If it were just an emotional connection and then physical, I could get pass it.

This individual (the other woman) was one I trusted and even tried to get a job (she is not marketable as she isn't educated in the way things are done in the US).

What you say is probably true and I am moving on.

Thank you!
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 17
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:33:55 PM
I am the kind of woman that does not mind being alone. I am quite happy with myself and who I am. I always believed that if you are not happy with yourself, you cannot possibly bring happiness to anyone else.

I have been down this path before with him so I have become numb to it.

No problems for me though. It truly is his insecurity and he knows that it is quite over between us. He has no decisions to make. I had already made it for him.

Good Luck to you!
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 18
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:36:17 PM
I was hysterical when I read what you wrote.

Thank you for the brain lift. Needed that!

He can keep her. I believe that they are on the same level. Ignorant and stupid. A match made in heaven.

I find that I am so busy most of the time, I cannot even find time to sit.

I am not into dating right now. I do see my male friends who are loving and kind. That's what is needed. . . a good friend!

Thank you!!
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 19
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:38:50 PM
Do all people eventually discover their own insecurities? I wonder.

I am much stronger than he expected. He even said when I confronted him, "you are taking this better than I thought". Well guess what, I knew, it was no surprise and in my heart I started to disconnect before this ever occurred.

So . . . one day he will wake up and the shame is . . he will be all alone. . but it isn't my problem. . . not anymore
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 20
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:41:41 PM
Thank you . . I am moving on. I am extremely strong and won't let this set me back at all.

Good Luck to you as well!
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 21
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:42:40 PM
Already ended.

It is the end to a long, boring book. No more rounds.
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 22
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:44:46 PM
So true.

Can't be trusted and once I accepted that, I moved on.

He is very confused . . . about himself.

Page turned and next is hit!
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 23
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:48:07 PM
I have to disagree with you.

This may be true in most cases but not in this one.

She is clingy and not at all seductive. She cannot even speak appropriately.

He loves to eat and she finds out what he likes and cooks for him.

Maybe there is a sexual attraction but I know that most men would agree with me. I know quite a few that think he is crazy. It is the "I need you" factor. I have no money, how can I afford my rent? and the list continues.

So one cannot assume that all are sexual and hot. Everyone is an individual. Cannot generalize in this case.
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 24
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:50:15 PM
You are so on target.

How are things working out for you?

I am done stroking egos and time for him to grow up.

I am past the babysitting stage. I am well over it.

I know ladies like us are resilient and we will be just fine.
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 25
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:52:27 PM
Sure haven't met him yet and I am 54 years old.

I won't be looking and then maybe my prince will arrive. I will also win the lottery too.

I am quite content with my life.

I have a loving family, friends and enjoy life in general.

Do I need someone to share it with? No . . would I like to . . maybe but not right now.
 SantoL
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 26
Took me by surprise
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:56:20 PM
I will be just fine.

I know he is with her with I have come to terms with.

Faithful . . he has no clue what it is nor will he ever!

So . . .time to move on.

Concerned about his troubles and woes . . that he is.
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