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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Spin off from, "men over 35 seriously looking for marriage?" Why???      Home login  
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 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 1
Spin off from, "men over 35 seriously looking for marriage?" Why???Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I was looking through the posts of the thread, and thought about the reasons why guys over 35 are looking to get married?
What are the reasons.... Most seem to be on the lookout for that elusive "Ms. Right" much the same as our female counterparts are looking for "Mr. Right".. But I wonder what has come to pass, to make "Marriage" a goal??

I believe there is more truth and honesty in todays comedy, than we all give credit too, for instance the joke, "Why do I have to get married, I didnt do anything wrong!" In todays society, at least the direction it seems to be going, I would think that more men would be opting NOT to tie the knot vs. looking for the right one.
With our various court systems apparently, liberally biased against anything masculine, or male... We seem to be the cause of all the pain and suffering in the world... And every time a Man is honest about being a Man, society tells us to "stop it"...
Back to Humor, "A man never worries about his future, until he gets married. A woman always worries about hers, UNTIL she gets married"
It doesnt seem to gain us any more status, absolutly no more respect, and in many cases, has an EXTREME potential to become a serious Liability, not an assett. There are no Guarantee's.

I know, probably a very negative view, because Im sure there are some upsides. But more and more, it seems that becoming a confirmed bachelor, has more potential as a fun and fulfilling life, than marriage..

So Im looking for ideas... Sound reasoning as to why the Menfolk are seriously looking for marriage.. what is it that you see as the potential fulfillment vs liability risk... Why get married??
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 2
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/6/2008 7:50:09 AM
LOL....

Well, when I was married, I know there was a certain sense of familiarity that is very hard to find... But security for who?

Thats the part I think that I struggle with the most. On one hand, being told that everything is 50/50, except when it comes to paying for dinner, the household bills, and extra curricular activities... Then it seems the bills are to be given as a gift!!! Not much security there..
 BelieveTheHype
Joined: 3/17/2008
Msg: 3
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:46:02 AM
Well, I'm not qualified to speak from a 35+ year old perspective, but as someone who is approaching my mid thirties (seemingly rapidly) , I see merit to both sides of the marriage concept.

It would appear that for the most part, every culture supports the notion of marriage or settling down in some way -- be it mono/polygamy, there is some deep seated social stigma with not moving towards the attainment of that 'end goal'. I married far too young to someone who was skilled in the marriage game (having been married three times before me), and I think in no small part it was more due to the belief that it was an expected step in our relationship. In my case youth and ignorance prevailed over reason, but I think for many it is still quite rational to look at Marriage as part of the 12 step plan in relationships, and even moreover in life. I don't think that this social programming goes away as we get older. Only after having moved to Australia for a while and looking around have I come to appreciate that people can co exist in very happy relationships without the swapping of rings-- after all, if you're not truly in it, a ring and a raised seal document isn't going to help but so much anyway, right?

I'm not sure if I'd marry again, or am looking for "Marriage" per se. Anyone married and divorced realizes that the concept of security therein is a farce. In my opinion, after the sins and myths associated with love and relationships from the twenties has faded for more realistic and sensible courtships of substance, people are more willing to have a life partner. Maybe the thought is that, like dating, marriage at thirty something has less of the dramas associated with it since the potential wives out there are older and a bit more in tune with reality than they might have been when they were caught up in the rapture of the dream of the TV marriage (that is, unless you're raiding the cookie jar and going way younger. I am told that Donald Trump's next wife is being born today )
 tatadaaa
Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 4
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:03:01 PM
Hello there,

when you said :
"A man never worries about his future, until he gets married. A woman always worries about hers, UNTIL she gets married"
Damn... i understand it soooo much. As a european and a canadian now, i do like to think 50/50 or at least paying as much depending on your income but when i saw what's goin on in US... it's really freaky !

I met my futur husband on POF and he is the one wanted to get married first, because of family values etc... I am divorced too and i didn't felt as rushy as he was to get married at that time (for the record, now it's different, we are both on the same level on that matter).
He divorced a few years ago and we will both probably struggle to pay some old debts due to his ex-wife for the first few years of our new couple (and wasting 2 or 3 years at 32 yo doesn't make me happy much) i also strongly feel about wanting to start clean from any debts and start building our life from a clean state.

Beeing a man from the US, i would probably think about it twice and definelty sign some kind of a prenup. agreement before anything happen.
I heard it was unfair to women in the 50's wich is the reason it is so screwy for men today...trading unfair for unfair doesn't sound smart to me...
 Lucky_Vet
Joined: 3/27/2005
Msg: 5
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/6/2008 10:43:12 PM


What are the reasons.... Most seem to be on the lookout for that elusive "Ms. Right" much the same as our female counterparts are looking for "Mr. Right".. But I wonder what has come to pass, to make "Marriage" a goal??


Same for both sexes. I got huge biological urges to father children after 32. That dream came true, and I'm happily married.
 people_hater
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 6
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/7/2008 12:11:22 AM

I got huge biological urges to father children after 32.


I agree, men do have the biological clock too, it isn't just women. Mine's been ticking for awhile now and considering that the options I seem to have are rather dreary and pitiful, that sucker is just going to have to keep right on ticking.
 hardcandylick
Joined: 11/19/2007
Msg: 7
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/7/2008 12:31:00 AM
Tony Randall (75 yrs. old) married a 26 year old woman and then fathered two kids. That for me is inspiration enough to hold off on the marriage deal as I appraoch that 35 number. I've heard of too many guys getting it up the ass in divorce to even consider it within the next 10 years. Problem is that for most women that's a turn off. But what the hell? There's always Russian mail order brides, right?
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 8
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/7/2008 8:27:52 AM
ROFL....

Ive been advocating Russian Mail Order for any number of reasons. Although it doesnt seem to sit well with local women. I find that there is not much to compare between the two... Locally, it seems there are so many "Single Women" with attachments (kids) in tow... and the Russians, not so much. There is something to be said about that.
 devilwentdowntogeorgia
Joined: 1/27/2008
Msg: 9
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/8/2008 1:46:01 PM
Wow....I would never touch a Russian mail order whatever. Man , our locals are a lot less risky. Thats a culture shock for us and them. Its hard enough to get along with a girl who shares your beliefs let alone a girl who doesn't. Although I totally see your point. Man, we have a whole lot of single moms. I think its up to you on how much responsibility you want to take. I date single moms, but know I'll never be a step-dad. So I just don't date marriage minded single moms. Nothing is wrong with just having a girlfriend. Its less risk then a girl on the other side of the planet you'll have to sponsor to get over here and financially be liable for.


JJ
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 10
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/8/2008 2:21:00 PM
LOL... The Russian thing is an off handed comment, based on another thread. You're correct though... I think thats the one piece of sage advice any Man can accept. Its hard to find a good one within your own culture, but to find a good one with different cultural values.... Good luck to ya.

I can see your point as well, about dating single mothers who are not 'marriage minded' but have you actually met one?

Ive been out a few times with the few single moms I know, we have an understanding... we go to movies, we go to dinner, we go scuba diving... but we're never going anywhere near a church!

For the most part, its so/so.... but quit often, they find out Im not interested in the whole commitment part, then I get the beratement.... write them off... no time for it.
 hopeful_73
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 11
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/8/2008 2:21:05 PM
When I first got married, I took a long time considering it. I never wanted to be one of the statistics of the 50 percent or whatever that dont work out. Obviously, I became one anyway and have been divorced about 3 years now. So much for taking the time to be sure. lol

I miss married life, though. The stability, having someone to come home to (or who comes home to me), and just feeling like I belong to something special. At the risk of sounding too cliche', I really do believe that Im most complete when Im with a partner. I know that its not exactly "politically correct" to say that these days because we're all supposed to be empowered as singles or whatever, but I miss the companionship. The teamwork. And lets be honest, when youre married you at least have a regular sex life, as opposed to the hot & cold spells you have while dating.

I never look at the financial pitfalls of marriage. I have a child, dont know if I would want to have anymore from scratch though. So its not about having kids for me. When I look toward the future with a woman, Im not wondering how much is she going to cost me when things dont work out. That sorta stuff just doesnt cross my mind. Maybe thats because I dont have squat financially for someone to go after?

Anyway, Im not in a rush to get married, but I definitely have it in my sights and would like to remarry again one day. When marriage is good, its the happiest and most contented life Ive ever lead. Im sure there are a lot of people who havent had that experience with their own failed marriages, but thats the way I look back on it.
 devilwentdowntogeorgia
Joined: 1/27/2008
Msg: 12
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/8/2008 2:38:32 PM
I have met women who claim to be that. Everyone usually claims to be what you want if they're just trying to get to date you. I honestly don't know anymore totally what women mean when they say things. I understand the game, but as we get older everyone gets better at it and its hard to get to what anyone is really about until you spend some time with them.
 hardcandylick
Joined: 11/19/2007
Msg: 13
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/8/2008 11:49:48 PM

And lets be honest, when youre married you at least have a regular sex life, as opposed to the hot & cold spells you have while dating.


Porn and masturbation dude. I've learned to get by. Not the best alternative, but it's either that or prostitutes and I have a thing about never paying for it, at least directly. In the end though, we must admit that in some way we've all paid for it.


When I look toward the future with a woman, Im not wondering how much is she going to cost me when things dont work out. That sorta stuff just doesnt cross my mind. Maybe thats because I dont have squat financially for someone to go after?


Sh!t nowadays the courts will stick that "future earnings" bit up your butt. Check Alec Baldwin. To hell with that.

Good luck dude, but for me, I know too many guys that have gotten screwed. One guy has had his credit ruined, another had $20,000 in credit cards rang up by his ex in his name, another is jumping through the hoops to get a court date for visitation rights to see his kid and another has his wife posting pictures of her boyfriend on her myspace page. Little did he know that he was financially supporting this other dude for awhile. And then there's the fact that he paid for an abortion for a kid that his wife told him was his, but was really some other dude's responsibility. That abortion stuff happened before they were married. Poor **stard has to put up with cat hair in his food too, because his wife lets the little sh!ts all over the place. It's really ****ed up, but this dude will continue to refer to her as his "angel." Like I said, they're all screwed.
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 14
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/18/2008 6:41:23 AM
LOL....

In todays times, how is one to find a woman that hasnt squeezed out a couple of kids by some loser? Or IF said woman does have kids, and is divorced... what kind of psychotic behavior caused the divorce? OR another situation, what other behavior contributed to the seperation and subsequent divorce?? Ive noticed a trend.... seems that women want to hitch thier waggons to some upstart, as long as he is on the rise.. any faulter, and she is looking for another mule for her "future security"....

Why would anyone want to get married with the degree of involvement that seems to come with society today. People all the time are being told they can do what they want, if they are happy, then move on, take off.... Usually, the one doing the moving on is the woman, and one way or another the guy will have to pay.

I just dont get it........
 Hollygo
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 15
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/19/2008 5:25:02 AM
Wow...okay, first off, as a single mother I must say this.
I am not looking for a "baby daddy", and not all single mothers are. I think that is an unfair assumption.
Smuggler1, when you say you will go to the movies, dinner etc. with single moms, but nowhere near a church-I think that's kind of egotistical to even say. Have you ever thought that maybe these single moms don't wanna go anywhere near a church with you either???
And I for one, am tired of the line of thinking that single mothers have "baggage." So is taking care of our kids because our ex-husbands couldn't keep it in their pants baggage???!!!
I don't think so. SO many men can have sex and make babies, but then they end up leaving. My Ex WANTED A BABY SO BADLY and then when we had one, he cheated on me and left.
So Taking care of our daughter because his selfish arse cannot, I think is commendable, and not baggage! It sounds to me like you shouldn't date single moms at all.
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 16
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/19/2008 6:53:17 AM

Wow...okay, first off, as a single mother I must say this.
Must you?? Really?? Like thats going to make a difference...



I am not looking for a "baby daddy", and not all single mothers are. I think that is an unfair assumption.

Once again, umm, hypothetically speaking, should you get involved with a single guy, at SOME POINT in the relationship.. he is going to have to accept some form of responsibility for said kidlet. Unless you plan on maintaining a seperate home, and completely seperate lives apart from your S.O. then on some level you are looking for just that..


Smuggler1, when you say you will go to the movies, dinner etc. with single moms, but nowhere near a church-I think that's kind of egotistical to even say. Have you ever thought that maybe these single moms don't wanna go anywhere near a church with you either???

LOL... would you like to tell that to my friends? Its not egotistical in any way. Once bitten twice shy. Until you know my whole story, I think you need to stow it.



And I for one, am tired of the line of thinking that single mothers have "baggage." So is taking care of our kids because our ex-husbands couldn't keep it in their pants baggage???!!!
I couldnt care less if you are tired of the thinking that you have baggage... Because from my standpoint, that is EXACTLY what it is, although I prefer the term attachments, but thats just me.
As for your ex husband "keeping it in his pants" I dont know. Usually people like to paint the story so they are not looked down upon in any way. They did everything perfect, and all the blame can be placed on the other party... What did you do to cause him to look else where? Were you suddenly so involved with the kid you forgot about him? What did YOU do to force him away??


I don't think so.
ROFL... I think so

SO many men can have sex and make babies, but then they end up leaving.
Ummm no, I never said this was acceptable... Those, using the term loosely, "Men" need to be castrated... But at this point, I would have to question your judgement of who you choose to sleep with.

My Ex WANTED A BABY SO BADLY and then when we had one, he cheated on me and left.
LOL.... Here we go, now were to the point of beating a dead horse. Your quote says it all. I would again, have to question your judgement of thie Man. Apparently you either thought he would change, or that you could change him somehow... Either way, it still takes TWO to tango. YOU are as much at fault as he is. You could have said NO... Apparently you didnt. You dont like the bed you're sleeping in, you shouldnt have layed down there.


So Taking care of our daughter because his selfish arse cannot, I think is commendable, and not baggage! It sounds to me like you shouldn't date single moms at all
Yeah, taking care of your daughter is commendable... on one hand. Yet again, on the other... DOH!!! Dont go playing the victim. NOT my FAULT. I wasnt there to help. As far as who I date... LOL... Please... Show me where there are single women that havent fallen for some loser, MUCH LIKE YOURSELF, and are NOT single mothers now...
Your arguements dont really hold water. Sounds to me like you are a pissed off woman, who got used by some slick willy, and since you wanted to play with the fire, and subsequently got burned, now you want to change the rules and tell every guy like myself, that we are wrong, selfish, egotstical, and arrogant... simply because to us, your choices TO BEGIN WITH were questionable, and we're not interested.... SAD for you...
 Hollygo
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 17
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/19/2008 8:26:58 AM
Smuggler1, you are absolutely right. It does take two to tango and I am not the victim. I never said it was your fault. It just sounds like you loathe single moms so much, I was simply wondering WHY you date them at all....
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 18
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/19/2008 8:40:18 AM
On the contrary... I dont loathe anyone, especially single moms....

My stance is simple. I believe there are way too many boys out there, who's only definition of being a Man, is that of bedding every skirt they can and making as many babies as possible... To those individuals, I think they need to be castrated.. and none of that chemical crap, just a sharp knife and a block of wood.

By the same token, I would then turn and question the sanity of any woman that would bed a guy like that, knowing what he was about... Women are drawn to that "bad boy" the "flash in the pan" here today and gone tomorrow type. They can rationalize that this guy isnt good for them, but they play with that fire anyway.

I get tired of listening to them whine about how life is so unfair.... They got cheated on by some worthless loser, wasting energy over some guy they knew wasnt much of a stand up anyway... OR.... That all the "good ones" are taken... while I sit here. NOT saying Im a gift from anyone, too anyone.. but I can hold my own, and take care of my life. Im no saint, but I can say that I dont have any little ones running around calling someone else daddy...

And the word "Date" I belive has become so distorted.... I have friends... Some with benefits, some without... But the people I have in my life I find are there for a reason. Its a mutually beneficial "relationship" .... I am far from Loathing anyone....

LOL... And according to another thread, I seem to have an expiration date thats coming up!!! Who would have thunk it!

 Hollygo
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 19
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/19/2008 9:01:29 AM
Smuggler1, I hear what you are saying and even understand it. I was married for 5 years and really didn't think I was with a loser (I guess most don't at the time and it's not until AFTER the divorce they realize it.) Of course I made my mistakes in the marriage. I was not perfect. But it wasn't like I just "bedded some guy". I do not think life is unfair. It is what it is.
I think sometimes the labeling of people is unfair...but we are all entitled to our opinions...

as for me, I don't think I would date someone who isn't a single parent themselves, as it's just better that way for me. They are more understanding and I can relate to them more. I have been single for two years now and am in a good place.

I agree with you that the word "DATE' has become so distorted. I don't even want to begin to figure it out! LMAO~
 ChildfreeGlow
Joined: 3/4/2008
Msg: 20
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/19/2008 1:16:15 PM
I'm a woman and though your question was posed to men, I think it applies equally to women. Unless you plan on having kids with the other person, why get married instead of just living together? (With kids in the picture I hope the answer is obvious.)

As someone who has always known she would never have kids, I have had to give careful consideration to whether I would want to ever marry at all. I am still undecided, but leaning towards marriage for the legal factors. For example, if something happened to me or my SO I would want us to be each other's next of kin. I would want him in the hospital room with me before anyone else, would want him making the decisions about my care if I couldn't myself, and would want to be the one in that position for him if the situation was reversed. When you reach the level of having a shared life where that is how you feel about each other, marriage starts making sense. If these ideas don't appeal to you, then you don't have the kind of love between you where a marriage would make sense. There is still some other idea of "family" that you put ahead of your SO.

This is just one issue to make the point, but there are a few things like this. Now thanks to all the work gay couples have done to try to approximate marriage benefits without having the legal right to marry, a lot of ground can be covered just through lawyers. But at a certain point you've pieced together a marriage anyway, so why not just go down to the courthouse and do the real thing?

The only thing about marriage I don't like is the idea of mixing finances. I don't see why two adults need to take on each other's debts. That seems ridiculous to me, a throw back to the days when women didn't work so every household had only one income/financial life. I don't know if that one thing would be enough to stop me from embracing the creation of a new family with my SO... a family of two.
 ChildfreeGlow
Joined: 3/4/2008
Msg: 21
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/19/2008 4:26:35 PM
I mean I hope it is obvious that two responsible adults choosing to have a child together would want to create the most stable legal situation for that child. Apart from the emotional and social benefits to the child when the marriage stays together (knowing your parents are married not just living together, as is still the social norm, particularly within the large segment of the country that is still religious), in the event of separation it is even more important. The father would want equal parental rights and the mother would want a guarantee of support for the child.
 Hanuke
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 23
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History
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/20/2008 4:47:12 AM
Why are men becoming keen to get married after 35?

I've never been married; love the idea of it, but don't have much faith in the system in our society.

But, having celebrated (it was definitely a celebration) my 30th not so long ago there's a sudden change in the way that people (who don't know me) treat me, in particular women in there 20's and 30's respectively.

I've used social sites to find friends of similar interests for years, kayakers and climbers mainly. But the day after I turned 30 the number of replies I receive dropped. After a couple of months I took the year off one of my profiles and they increased a little again!
On the other hand during the first week after turning 30 I had 3 women make first contact, all 35+ and they showed no signs of being interested in kayaking or climbing. In the whole year I was 29 I only had a couple of 30+ women contact me; now it's 50/50.

All of a sudden the pressure seems to be on... will I get left on the shelf?

At the moment I'm still my very comfortable self and don't believe I'll give in to the pressure of marrying someone in a rush. On the other hand, I only just turned 30 (November 07), I wonder how I'll be feeling in 5 years time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please understand, I'm not against marriage...

I intend to get married one day, but when it happens, there will be no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing at the time... even if it doesn't work out.
I don't believe in not divorcing for the sake of the marriage or the kids - if it's not working why spoil the life of everyone around you? You can't make people around you happy if you're not happy yourself.

I will not marry a second time if my first marriage ends in divorce, 'most' people can only promise, "'Til death do us part," to one person , after a divorce, it's a second hand promise.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm more interested why men moan about marriage!!!

Almost every engagement is instigated by the man, with the proposal.
If your argument adds up to I was nagged / talked / pressured into it, then you made your own bed...lie in it.

If you want to say, "Well, you obviously you haven't been there!"
I have; I didn't propose... friends and family from both sides were pushing (throughout 2 long relationships). I wasn't ready so I stayed unmarried.

If you don't want to get married or have doubts at all (you're talking about the rest of your life) there's a solution!
DON'T PROPOSE!
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 24
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:16:12 AM
Great insight....

The only question I would find applicable, would be about this part of your statement...

Almost every engagement is instigated by the man, with the proposal.


I would say that almost every proposal is made by a man.... but do you really think its instigated by him?? Its been my experience that its instigated by the woman... but made by the man!
 Sherlock101
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/20/2008 6:57:08 AM
Smuggler1, you got that right!
 SmilingInTheSun13
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 26
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/20/2008 4:05:48 PM
Well I have to say that when I first got back in the dating game I was surpised by how many guys really were after "the relationship" and the eventuality of marriage. There are times when I do miss having the regularity of a relationship but I don't think I could ever get married again. I think when you take kids out of the equation there is no reason to get married. The other thing, since getting into the on line dating thing , I have discovered just how many married people are looking for something extra but not to change their living situation. How sad is that - doesn't give me a whole lot of faith in the institution of marriage. I think because people are married they are just more likely to stay when things are bad.
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