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 hiltonhauler1960
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 2
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or datingPage 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
when you come up with a solution, let me know, but its a great theory anyway,
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 10
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:30:28 AM
Ok. What I'm thinking is actually very simple. I think that there are a lot of people out here who are overly cynical or have been hurt so many times, that they meet people expecting it to NOT work out. They are, simply put, pessimistic. It's not that they don't want to be happy, it's that they are really sure they won't be happy.
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Not a bad theory, many psychologists might say its often the reason. AND

Not to thread hijack of course, but:
1. There may be that "One thing" that someone does that puts us off. Mine is people who won't acknowledge when I have a good idea, or never say "Thanks" or never say, "hey that's a good idea". Other weirdness and differences I can live with. I can even do without anal sex for the right person.....
2. We "want to" like the person, so we think we are having fun on a date, or we just want to be polite and "put on our best face", ie, first impressions are everything, so we say we like you, blah blah blah, just in case we do!
3. To much emphasis is put on "chemistry" and "clicking" and not enough on "facts" or getting to know the other person...maybe 2,3,4 dates are needed to "click the chemistry" for real.

So, number 3 fits Kaylies cynical theory the best, ie, we want to be loved, but never let the "chemistry" shine through.

Oh and number 4:
4. Its amazing how many people get "fooled" by players, married people, nut cases, sexy voices on the phone, amazing emails, etc. If it is sooo easy to get fooled, are we really any better off at judging when we aren't being fooled? Because we do want a connection, we put on blinders.... For example, if you bet on every $1 scratch ticket...ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO BE A WINNER! Ta Dah! It works!
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 14
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 10:01:10 AM
I'm not cynical at all. I've been out with 5 men from this site and I just didn't feel the "spark" with any of them. Without the "Za Za Zoom", I see no reason for a second date. I don't believe in wasting a man's time or his money. I'm hopeful though. My glass is always half FULL!
 Boatguy109
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 21
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 11:46:27 AM
I agree on this topic......I seen alot of people that do what I call revenge dating....They were hurt, controled or used for a certain reason in past now its revenge time to use,abuse and control new arrivals in thier life for mental revenge purposes...I set a rule for myself long ago that I have had successes and failures in relations in my past....But I picked them and had to live with the choice I made to pick the person...And if it was or had bad exsperiences its just because I picked wrong sole mate and you both need to move on and find you true logical matching sole mate. Not revenge or carrying the demons with you and putting yourself in bubble with your last ones....Give someone new a chance and everyone is different so is not an ex or a past starring at you...its something fresh and new from that...Forest Gump hit it on head..Life is like a box of chocolates...You never know what ya ganna get......But if you never put yourself out there and try....you never get any choclates at all in my version!
 jf468
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 30
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 2:41:57 PM
think it's far simpler...it's the Fantasy versus Reality syndrome. Basically, everybody who is somewhat date-able has managed to construct a decent word-picture of themselves...that is what their counterparts develop their perception from. Add to that a few decent pics and the fantasy starts to take shape. Phone calls can help develop it, especially if the conversation flows nicely, because the other person doesn't have a true sense of body language, facial expressions, etc..


I agree. I think in many cases people from a unrealistic fantasy image of a person based on a few pictures, profiles, and some phone/email conversations. When the actual image is different than the fantasy image, they lose interest. In some other cases, people expect instant chemistry on the first date or they quickly lose interest. Sometimes there isn't instant chemistry because 2 people aren't compatible. Other times there isn't instant chemistry because 2 people don't know each other well enough.
 jf468
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 31
 Boatguy109
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 37
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:39:19 PM
Amen.....straight up to the point above.......could not had said it any better
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 38
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:29:32 PM
WE HAVE A WINNER:

When I came on POF I was a saboteur supreme. Angry, hurt and cynical about men.This place and the forums have made me realize , it was my silly pride and overweening ego that got hurt and real love has still to hit me.I was puffed up with my own self importance and yeah, it was all about me
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I never thought I would ever hear anyone say that! Somebody here has actually learned something about themselves, and isn't stuck on "I'm the way I am you can take it or leave it".

And I think this kid just said the same thing first: Krugers theory of "Epistemic Freezing", where the brain is presented with a number of options, picks the one most familiar and in line with established patterns of thought within the mind, and is then immune to the influence of any other possible courses of action, even when backed with firm evidence.
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The funny thing is (about OP and Krugers theory) is that we don't know we are doing it our way...I was thinking about that the other day, I procrastinate a lot AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY OR WHAT TO DO! I'd even bet that nearly any and all "paranoid" ideas I get about my GF ARE THE WRONG ONES! because my reality is so real to me....Thats why young kids need a happy healthy upbringing, and so few that don't get it turn out weird (Yeah yeah, one of you is gonna say you were a 15 yo single mom and "your kids" turned out fine, yeah yeah, I see them win the Nobel Prize Awards every year).
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 40
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 2:33:13 AM
Kayleicat: ((Mr. Cynical, well, that's my point about that kind of guy. He fully expects that it won't work out...and then he makes sure it won't work out, one way or another (and not necessarily consciously). ))
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There is OP cliff notes version.

And another related cliff notes, but not the about the same topic (unless OP's thesis is different from her topic line, I'm not going to go back now and read it):

Cliff note version: Most single people are single for a reason. At least half of them are single (the guilty parties) because they are f'ed up beyond belief in the way they handle other human beings. The other half are tired of dealing with the f'd up ones, because thats who they just got done divorcing.......This pretty much explains all overnight disappearances..
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PS: However the OP is specifically referring to "a great date or" dates. That is different than the nutcases who can't get a date, or F them up..or the normal people who have quit dating or quit POF because they get too many perverted emails (not generalizing what gender is sending perverted emails, could be 50/50, right guys?).

PiSS: I am not going to edit this just for some, redheaded Ho's, blonde haired bimbos, or black haired Vamps . But, if I could meet a Puckered Purple Haired Puffy Pussy to share the bedroom ecstasy of eating big balls of sweetened frozen strawberrys with extra creamy cool whip in bed....we wouldn't even need to have sex....I'm more into the tickle torture and BattleStar Galactica lifestyle anyway, I think.
 Kahndor
Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 45
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:26:46 AM
im guessing you bored mr happy by analyzing him and yourself to death

face facts, you may have had the impression that you both interacted and clicked together
but obviously in the other persons eyes, you didnt
the only thing i think that is not honourable, is that he lead you to believe you will be continuing

instead of just letting you know
mind you, i am guessing the hint of not returning your calls, and emails should speak volumes to you

but hey, you may have to analyze that too, or hey, even post a forum to get other peoples opinions

everybody comes to the answerman
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 49
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:14:06 AM
@ eazk's theory of fantasy meeting reality. The OP may be right about some people, but there is never one single explanation for why all humans do anything.

Has anyone ever watched dating shows on TV? I actually knew of someone who was on one. What was fascinating was seeing the two daters' impressions of the dates after the shows. One would be saying 'the chemistry was fabulous; I think we're a great match and I can't wait to see X again' and the other would be saying 'Nope. Zero sparks. I have no intention of ever calling that person again'.

People won't tell you right away that they don't like certain things about you. They may go on several dates thinking your good points might overcome your shortcomings. Eventually, they decide that it's just not going to come together for them and they bail. And there you were all along thinking the 'chemistry' was 'wonderful' and that you had 'great' dates. Always be aware that you (that's the plural version of 'you') may not be as intuitive as you think you are. Think of the dating shows - your impression of the date may be very different from the other person's.

So, yes, there may be some Hurts and Cynicals and all those other folks, but I think it's mostly a matter of 's/he's just not that into you' in the end. You can't read minds - can't figure out ahead of time if someone has issues or excessively high expectations or anything else, especially if the person isn't sufficiently self-aware to know that about him or herself. It's not, in short, a solvable problem. When someone disappears, put another fly on the line and dip your line back in the pond
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 50
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:16:29 AM
I think anyone who has been through any dating in the last 15-20 years recognizes all of these archetypes you mention Kaylie, and like you said, may even recognize some of these behaviors in themselves. To me, it can be summed up simply however, without all the psychoanalysis, as in, if all you ever look for is the worst in people, that's all you'll ever find. I'd like to think I'm at least self aware enough to have changed part of those negative perceptions I may have once had, when it comes to dating someone new. And like the post above mine, I agree that effort spent wondering why someone bailed is simply wasted time & energy, time & energy that would be much better spent on a person more deserving of my attention.
 kevinmach
Joined: 3/29/2007
Msg: 58
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:23:15 AM
Good thread, as well as the responses.

I agree with your theory, and have absolutely experienced it.

Unfortunately, at the end of the day, it's just one of many possible theories that account for this behavior-some of which have been suggested right in this very thread, which I have also experienced:

(sorry for not crediting the original posters in this thread for these comments, just doing it off the top of my head, but they are all equally valid explanations at various times)

-The online fantasy vs. reality.
-One party not being as into the other as they originally might have thought.
-People expecting instant fireworks (i.e. possible unrealistic expectations), and bailing when they don't get them (online dates are a fairly cheap commodity, easy to find another)
-This doesn't have anything to do with the reason people dump one another, but does increase the behavior: People feeling the need to be "less cordial" than if they met the person through their extended social network, etc.

All of these have been mentioned, and IMO, play a part.

I'm of the same opinion of the a few the other posters: you can think about it all you want, but if you're not getting feedback (i.e. the person isn't talking to you), then you never really know. So I don't really think about it anymore. The best way to approach online dating is not to take it too seriously.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 61
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:36:59 AM
as in, if all you ever look for is the worst in people, that's all you'll ever find
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In a cynical way, that fellow so far has the shortest "cliff notes" on this but again, not exactly what OP was saying. I can think of THREE REASONS, that OP and Happily and the Vamp`e get this slightly different interpretation:
1.Women in general are biologically picky (modern men might be too).
2. Healthy (normal), semihealthy, and unhealthy people can go on lots of dates and NOT HAVE CHEMISTRY (men are biological horndogs, and often "feel the chemistry" more than women). So maybe THERE IS TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON INSTANT "CHEMISTRY" (see other thread from young lady "who never clicks" because she used to be overweight and teased), and not enough on "Ok, he/she is very desirable....'I'll go on a second or third date' (put that in Italics).
3. Many Many folks have been hurt (life and love isn't easy...ask the 40 million people killed in WW11 who never loved again), so chemistry or not, social skills or not, it's easy to "botch it".

I wonder how many compatible healthy couples from POF could have hooked up, but "one little word", one wrong pic, one strange hobby, one funky email doomed things from progressing???? (PS: that doesn't include the whiners, golddiggers, drunks, wannabee rockstars, welfaremoms, survivalist dudes, Club Kids, rich desperate housewifes, misogynists, heavy smokers, wheelchair bound, pregnant and 18, dropouts, dingleberries, doofusses and Prima Donnas).
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(((if you can not condense an idea into a single simple sentence, then it isn't a good idea.))) I tend to agree (present company excepted).
 nycdoctor
Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 63
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 12:41:18 PM
people leave because you weren't submissive enough..or sexual with them enough
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 68
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:59:31 PM
If they choose to not contact you after a seemingly good date(s), you may feel frustrated, but they have done you a favor. They are not good relationship material. The next question may be, "How can you recognize this early on?"
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Yes, but, OP is talking about 'US' (normal people) not contacting another one of us. Maybe I'm wrong, but I assume she means 'WE' (ie, "dating pool of GOOD DATES") who do such things, oh never mind, I don't think I am right about this example.....

For example, this man "who sabatoged every relationships" at least he went past the first dates...got in a relationship, after that who knows what the cause is. Though you seem to have that case pegged.
 life_is_a_folk
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 69
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 3:28:15 PM
i was totally ms. hurt

what you have said made a lot of sense to me... i've started a relationship with a man that is perfect for me and yet at the beginning i found myself trying to end things for the most petty of reasons. i would pick him apart for the smallest things... looking for any excuse to run for the hills. it took just about loosing the best thing that's ever happened to me to kick me out of my destructive ways and now i'm mindful of the fact that i have 'issues'. very well done... kudos to you!
 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 70
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 3:39:36 PM
perhaps the person was not attracted to you in the first place. and did not want to hurt your feelings. i know because i have been there. i cannot stand to hurt anyone's feelings. it is not that i don't have a backbone it is just i know i hate having my feelings hurt and i do not want to put anyone in that spot. think about that for a little bit and mix it in with your theory. there are actually nice people out there who do not want to truly hurt someone.


I would rather have a woman tell me after a date that "we're not a match or compatible" instead of disappearing. The disappearing act can hurt a rejected person's feelings more than the upfront approach.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 71
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:22:43 PM
I just wanted to say Kaylie..thanks for an intelligent and thought provoking topic....I wish there were more of these around here....

Bringing me to an assumption...I , too, am interested in psychology..and specifically what makes people/relationships "tick"...but, it's an intellectual interest, not a personal one. I am assuming you are the same. I don't want to know so I can say "aha" about a particular person, I want to know because I like having knowledge and understanding...and that's one of the reasons I love these forums...

I am guilty of the Ms Happy persona...I am almost nauseatingly upbeat and positive, according to some people..it's not that I haven't been hurt ( sure, lots of times), or that I don't get discouraged or depressed ( you bet)..it's just that my hope is stronger...

The disappearing act hurts because of the uncertainty ( was it me? am I that bad at reading people?, etc)...like northeast says..I'd much rather have a reason, even a negative one, than a drop off the face of the earth with no explanation situation..,you don't have to be mean to say "we aren't a match", or I found someone else I'm more interested in..whatever..just something other than silence. Silence allows your imagination to take really wild leaps...

It is particularly puzzling when the other person is being the aggressor..if they aren't interested, why are they doing that?

I don't know if there is a solution because it has to come from within each individual. I can only look at my behavior, and try to correct anything that I see in myself that might be the problem. But, if I honestly can't see what it is about me...what else can I do?

And I refuse to believe, which is often a mantra on here...that everything negative that happens is because there is something wrong with me. I am one of the most self reflective, self aware people I know, and I am hard on myself..sometimes it isn't me. And I can't usually do anything about that...only the other person can.

The difference between who I am, and who I want to be ( as was stated) often leads me to sabotage myself...I am aware of that. However, there is only so much "perfection" one can achieve..sometimes, we just are who we are. And nothing we can do will change the other persons behavior/perception....
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 73
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:00:29 PM
"If you're looking in the ditch, sooner or later that's where you are going to end up"
^ A wise man said that to me a few years ago, I've found it true in my life.

Trust is a component not directly addressed thus far. Some people don't trust themselves, don't trust that life will work out for them and don't trust their own feelings. Another way of putting it might be... they fully trust that they will continue to make all of the exact wrong decisions, lol.

In part, I suspect the internal disconnect with trust creates the cognitive dissonance - what one hopes for but does not trust can work. It is pretty confronting to realize you can't trust your own judgment. Means when you meet that potentially great person, you know you must be wrong and you're just missing "the catch" for the moment. lol, start looking for it and you are sure to find it.

I'll echo the answer is... "let go"
It really IS that simple.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 76
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/23/2008 10:07:36 PM
OK I have not read everyone's post I stopped at page two.. but I liked what ezak said.. the fantasy/reality thing.

I heard someone else propose a theory and I think it might be a good one too.. She said that if there is a great connection.. then pressure usually builds up..and many times new relationships can't stand the pressure.. Now I think the pressure build up occurs because of the negative self image and images of others that the 4 types meantioned in the OP were present.

A similar scenario happened to me oh a month or so ago. Dating a great guy.. unbelievable chemistry.. he wants to back off a little I say great ... "poof" he's gone.. Duh?? have no idea what happened.. but for me the pressure explanation works for this situation but we had no fights or disagreements.. He had 3 boys that need him in their lives.. put that with work.. and having to drive 45 miles for a date with the price of gas.. plus expense of the date which I might add he was a fabulous date no complaints there. But basically I was too "expensive".. took too much time.. chemistry was great but probably tired him rather than energized him.. easier to meet a local woman to date. You know might have worked better if there was less chemistry.. and we lived in the same town.. I dunno.. but I still consider the guy a friend he is a fabulous date and a wonderful man... sure made me feel like a woman!!! I loved it!!
 Mary Jane in Wonderland
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 77
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/5/2008 1:22:57 PM
Wow, thanks I didn't realize this happens and obviously often to many others than just myself. Thanks for all the insight.
 ddjewels
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 83
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:35:53 AM
I have had this experience recently. I was puzzled; after meeting someone for coffee and talking for hours, he disappears. I texted him after I left and told him I liked talking with him. He texted me back and said "thanks". So, I think --he's just not that into me (or rude). And then a week or so later he texts me with a few flirty remarks. I responded and then ----once again zippo--- nothing. So, I have a new theory. We are all so busy looking for the perfect, instant match that we forget we are dealing with people instead of phones, computers, etc. We treat each other as casually as we would any other appliance and we are getting the same kind of warmth and love in return----none. People talk about "chemistry" and instant connections -- I think we may be watching to many movies instead of actually living life. I am more in doubt of a guy that instantly has gotta have you than a man that wants to build a relationship. But , I don't think people care to build anything today. We just want it all in a profile so that we can order it up and have it delivered.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 90
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:52:56 AM
^^k - you say,
"... So, we might conclude that people are simply looking for someone who is at least 'closer' to their views about this thing called Life. So, since the chances of finding a perfect clone of ourselves is zero,(and a good thing too, for maybe we don't have it as together as we think we do) many are simply upping the odds that things may work out in a better fashion with a person who is more on the same page with them...."

for me, it is simply in finding one more like me, my hope is there will be more of a chance of mutually understanding each other, and, ultimately, mutually loving each other.....that perhaps if we are more alike, perhaps our loving will be more alike too.
what i realize is, it is more and more rare as I get older to find this mutual connection....hence what might be a great date for one actually is not as great for the other.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 91
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:04:53 AM
This thread is an entertaining read, but I am surprised at the number of people who spend a lot of time thinking/theorizing, about why people disappear after that first meet or first actual date. OP I read that you were not interested in people who think theorizing is "stupid", but I enjoy trying to understand people, without judging them, and just want to share my thoughts on this open forum. Who knows, there may be someone out there beating themselves up about the infamous "vanishing act" and reading what I write, might help them, realize that its not them - its the "magician whonnabe".

When I have a first meet or first date with a man, I always ask how he thought things went, and if he replies good or that he would like to see me again, I tell him "great" if those feelings are mutual, and then I tell him that I look forward to hearing from him again. I am hopeful that he will contact me again, but leave it there because it must be mutual. Now if he just disappears and I really liked the person, I wont deny that I am sad, and do wonder why, but I dont waste much time thinking about it, because the reason doesnt matter, you are not going to be having a relationship with this person. I cant see wasting energy on someone who is not worth your time. If he was, he would be calling you, wanting to see you again. Being the curious creatures we are, we do like to know everything, but it can be damaging to our self-esteem if we dont stop ourselves from getting in a rut about it.

I have a great respect for people who are honest and either tell you face to face, or in an email that they are not interested in continuing things. To me, these are the real men and women who deserve to find "that special person", unfortunately we cannot always have that special connection with someone we would like to. It must be mutual and dating is totally subjective.

Happy Fishing Everyone.
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