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 kayliecat
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 1
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or datingPage 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I'm actually excited about something today! I have a new (to me) theory to try to explain why so many people here talk of having great first date/meets or even first months, just to have their date disappear on them...ditch them for no apparent reason when things seemed great.

To get this part out of the way:
1. Yes, this is something I do for fun...To fix something broken, first you have to understand why it's broken.
2. This is a "rough draft". I worked on this in my head on my morning commute. Be kind to me...please try to respond constructively to improve on my ideas, not just to put me down. I am *trying* my best...but I only have one brain -add all of your brains to mine please to fine tune, or make this more accurate, more on target.

Yes there are still all the obvious reasons: the person really wasn't into you, they are a player, only after your money/sex, had another honey already, you got on his/her nerves, the sex sucked or was nonexistent, you kiss like a fish, etc.

BUT...Way too often I read (and have experienced) that after messaging or talking on the phone to what seemed like a great person, he/she went on a meet/date and they had a really great time together laughing/talking/interacting, maybe even kissing/sex. And then for some reason, their date bailed out on them sometime soon after that. Didn't show up for the next date. Or didn't return phone calls. Maybe they even dated for a month or 2... things going great, then the person dumped them for no apparent reason.

It happens *too* often for me to think it's just the obvious reasons. There's got to be more going on. And is there anything more frustrating, more depressing, then thinking you've met someone great and really connected, just to have the person ditch you? No wonder morale suffers around here. Which of course leads to your becoming more cynical, more hurt, and less likely to want to try again. Pretty soon...you will turn from optimist to pessimist...essentially turning into your date.

Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself now.

Ok. What I'm thinking is actually very simple. I think that there are a lot of people out here who are overly cynical or have been hurt so many times, that they meet people expecting it to NOT work out. They are, simply put, pessimistic. It's not that they don't want to be happy, it's that they are really sure they won't be happy.

So why on earth are they on POF in the first place? Why did they message you or plan a meet? Because inside, they want to love and be loved, to be accepted, to be happy, just like everyone else. Secretly, they are hoping to be proven wrong.

Meet Mr. Cynical and Ms. Hurt. Mr. Cynical has had a lot of bad experiences. He's met the gold digger. He's met the woman who needed a daddy for her kids. He's met women with issues coming out her ya-hoo. He's really sick of having bad experiences and wonders if any women out there are sincere, honest, and normal. All the women he's met either seem to want to bed hop or else they hate sex.

Ms. Hurt, on the other hand, has given her heart away one too many times. And every time it got broken. The men seem to just be players, only wanting her for sex, and then they are done with her. And as soon as she falls in love with them they break up with her. The other men she meets are too dependent on her, expecting her to provide a home, cook and clean, give sex on demand, and work full time so they can sit around and watch tv all day. She's tired of getting hurt. She wants a man who will love her back, but she's sure there's no men out there who actually will. She wants to remarry some day, but all the men she meets just cheat on her or break up with her instead.

Hmmmm...have any of you ever met these people? Do they, perhaps, resemble YOU???

So, being human at the same time they are pessimistic, they bravely come on POF, put up profiles, and try to play the dating game. Even though they are sure it won't ever work out.

Then they go on a date with Mr. Happy and Ms. Friendly. These people are still optimistic. They liked Mr. Cynical and Ms. Hurt when they talked on the phone. They liked their profiles. And if they sensed the cynicism or hurt, well, they recognized those emotions as common and not big enough red flags to run. (or, they thought, since I"m not a player/cheater/etc, it'll be ok with me).

Now, Mr. Cynical is totally sure that Ms. Friendly will turn out to be psycho once he meets her. And he's sure that there won't be sex, and if there is, it'll be because she's slutty. He knows it won't work out. Ms. Hurt, well, she knows Mr. Happy is only happy b/c he's a player. Not because he actually likes her for who she is. She knows all he wants is a one night stand and he probably is married, anyway. She knows *something* will be wrong with him.

But guess what? Mr. Cynical and Ms. Hurt had a great time on their dates/meets!!!! Oh shit. Now what do they do?

**now we insert the first common social psych theory: cognitive dissonance. This is when you have 2 "cognitions" or "behaviors" that are at odds with one another, hence the dissonance. Dissonance feels wrong and we naturally have to adjust our thinking or behavior somehow to resolve the dissonance**

Well, first of all, they freak out. LOL They withdraw. They now have to find a way to resolve the dissonance...the person they dated is NOT a horrible player or psycho. No, they had a great time, and their date seemed like exactly the person they want in their life.

Well, they could conclude that their preconceptions were wrong - perhaps not everyone is out to hurt them. Yes, and many of us do that. many of us *do* recognize that we have hit gold, so to speak.

But they also could either pick pick pick til they find fault in their date...that way they can conclude that the person really isn't that great (hence the thread on "why did she ask me if I have a nice house?, LOL). Or they can conclude that the person is "hiding" a hidden agenda, or that the playing/hurting just hasn't come out yet. They can conclude that ok, for now it's all good...but in a month all the bad stuff will come out....so why continue to see the person if the bad stuff will come out eventually. So they disappear rather than go on date 2.

They can also *sabotage* the relationship. And I think this happens a lot.

**now we insert the next social psych theory: self-handicapping. This is when you purposely do something bad or hurtful, so that you ensure a negative outcome. Like getting drunk the night before an important test in school. Or oversleeping the day of an interview. Hmmm...or not returning your date's calls. Hmmm...or getting to your date 1 hr late. Or cheating on your date, etc.***

By self-handicapping, Mr. Cynical and Ms. Hurt ensure that they won't be the ones to get damaged by the other person - they do the damaging first. They set up the situation to make it fail.

Oh, I"m not saying we do this on purpose. I think very often self-handicapping is pretty much on a subconscious level. But it does happen.

Another way to look at it is as a test...you're being tested by them to see if you are a player, or a hurtful person, or insecure (i.e. with issues). "I'm not going to call her for a week. I'll find out if she's just a needy insecure person with issues". Well, sure. have a great date then don't call me for a week...that's gonna make her seem pretty insecure when she calls you trying to figure out what the hell went wrong.

"I'm not going to see Mr. Happy again. B/c I'm sure that Mr. Happy is just gonna hurt me eventually. I know it won't work out even if he seems great. Sure the sex was good. But I bet that that is all he wanted from me. I've never had great sex and a great relationship work out, why would this one? I'm gonna cut my losses now before my heart is involved. I'm not gonna show for the date on saturday".

*****************************************************************************

So what do you think? Does anyone resemble themself in what I wrote? Have any of you been 1 of the 4 people I just described???

And if you are Ms. hurt or Mr. Cynical (and you can flip the gender), have you ever behaved this way? Or had these thoughts???

Could this possible explain how you can go on a really great date or dates with someone...just to have them do something really stupid to ruin things? Or just to have them up and disappear on you?

Please, discuss. Pick this apart. Agree, disagree. Fine tune, Add on, take away, share when it's happened to you.

And...suggest solutions.

Figuring out the root of a problem is just the start. Solving this problem is not going to be easy. Especially since, acknowledged early on, very often the reason your date doesn't call you back is for much more mundane reasons, like not really being that into you, or dating someone else already, etc.

Kaylie (and if you hate thinking about stuff like this, please just don't bother to respond and tell me I"m stupid to *think* about why dates/relationships don't work out. If you don't like to think like this, then don't read threads like this)
(and remember my education is in social psychology incl research in relationships...there *is* a reason I pick everything apart and try to form theories...I really can't help it)
 hiltonhauler1960
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 2
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:10:13 AM
when you come up with a solution, let me know, but its a great theory anyway,
 galonthemt
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 3
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:14:19 AM
Kaylie.....This subject is something I've given much thought to myself. And although I agree with you to a great extent, how many people are truly going to admit that they see any one of these 4 in themselves. If we did then the problem would have already corrected itself. I think it would take a lot of self reflection or therapy to recongnize what your talking about.
When my husband passed away I worked on myself spitirually, emotionally, and mentally for 9 years to overcome just some of the issues that you speak about, and get to the point where I am in life. In doing so I had to learn to take my part in what was wrong in my marriage. It was not easy and did not happen overnight so as I say............I see what your saying.............but how many will see it in themselves?

I had 37 years of bad stuff to overcome...........taking part of the blame for actions and reactions is not easy. Self prophesizing seems to be much easier than self analyzing. IMHO
 girlwillbegirl
Joined: 4/25/2007
Msg: 4
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:32:15 AM
Wow, what an insightful post, well written and a lot of thought went into it. I am guilty as charged. Ms. Hurt here, very skeptical, afraid of being hurt again, have sabotaged some potentially good situations because of my fear. It's a fine line between erring on the side of caution and losing out on a good relationship, I don't have any answers. Thanks for the post!
 Blueeyedbaldman
Joined: 1/4/2008
Msg: 5
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:46:15 AM
Wow, you must have a lot of free time on your hands. I can only speak for myself in that I am NOT a player, not depending on anyone for a home since I have my own which coincides with cleaning, paying bills, laundry etc because I live alone. And as far as wanting sex on the first date? If a woman offered sex to me on the first date, that WOULD be a huge turnoff for me. Anybody can get laid. I want something lasting and a future with someone.
 ~birdie~
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 6
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:47:12 AM
I would say you've got a pretty good theory going there. I enjoy psych too, and like to dig deeper.

I think I have a few tendences that you mentioned... the self-handicap is one, maybe with a touch of cynacism thrown in, so the tendency to run is also there.

Now, how to change!
 OneBeachlvr
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 7
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:02:53 AM
Well thought out but I'm not sure if I agree. I do think that much more often than not, the "dumped" just was a little clueless that the "dumpee" wasn't as into the relationship. I'm sure that I've been out with a lot of men who thought the date went great and wondered what happened. Some have even kissed me but not because I wanted to be kissed but because they had determined they were going to get at least that far whether they had the "go" signal or not. But that's because I'm friendly and I'm nice; I hate rejecting people. I'm not going to be mean or end the date early. I found something interesting enough that made me want to meet them so I enjoy getting to know them but I have absolutely no romantic interest whatsoever. When you think about it, it is a bit arrogant to just come out, especially on the first meeting, and announce that the other person isn't really up to your romantic standards ('cause maybe you're not up to their either!)

Your theory is going to just get more of these slightly clueless suitors to pursue even harder because they just "know" that the other one really is interested but has just been hurt to much. You give them license to believe they might be the one to "love them enough" to win them over when they should be dropping it and moving on. *sigh* even more "what happened!?!" threads!
 albino_dino
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 8
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:19:04 AM

I worked on this in my head on my morning commute.


I am assuming this was a commute from work to home, so the OP had time to type four pages of theory.

I can't even condense her idea into one sentence yet, but I will.

In my Theory, if you can not condense an idea into a single simple sentence, then it isn't a good idea. KISS

OT Yes, there is a lot of cynicism, doubt, self-doubt, dissapointment, frustration, fear, etc etc.............


However, the older people get, the quicker they are to bail. We fear being spontaneous and just do not 'go for it'.


I spend a wonderful three days with a friend, and could have spent another two with her, but I bailed. I really enjoyed the time with her, we were having fun. In hindsight, people would think I am a fool. Maybe I was ?
I spontaneously decided to 'go for it', but later, I was fearing unforseen consequences.

 kiki_1121
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 9
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:28:08 AM
Hmmmm...well I am a Ms. Hurt. I have gone out from online in ht epast and have many a badtimes stories. So now I usually don't make it to the first meet cause I chalk it up to a fluke or they are just looking to get some. But recently I have got brave and met. And I was the first Ms. Hurt, I took it and went with it and said, "Ok, things are good...let's see what happens." Now I am at a loss, because I thought/think things are going good.....but I am not sure if it is to same on the other end. Now what does that Ms. Hurt do?
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 10
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:30:28 AM
Ok. What I'm thinking is actually very simple. I think that there are a lot of people out here who are overly cynical or have been hurt so many times, that they meet people expecting it to NOT work out. They are, simply put, pessimistic. It's not that they don't want to be happy, it's that they are really sure they won't be happy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not a bad theory, many psychologists might say its often the reason. AND

Not to thread hijack of course, but:
1. There may be that "One thing" that someone does that puts us off. Mine is people who won't acknowledge when I have a good idea, or never say "Thanks" or never say, "hey that's a good idea". Other weirdness and differences I can live with. I can even do without anal sex for the right person.....
2. We "want to" like the person, so we think we are having fun on a date, or we just want to be polite and "put on our best face", ie, first impressions are everything, so we say we like you, blah blah blah, just in case we do!
3. To much emphasis is put on "chemistry" and "clicking" and not enough on "facts" or getting to know the other person...maybe 2,3,4 dates are needed to "click the chemistry" for real.

So, number 3 fits Kaylies cynical theory the best, ie, we want to be loved, but never let the "chemistry" shine through.

Oh and number 4:
4. Its amazing how many people get "fooled" by players, married people, nut cases, sexy voices on the phone, amazing emails, etc. If it is sooo easy to get fooled, are we really any better off at judging when we aren't being fooled? Because we do want a connection, we put on blinders.... For example, if you bet on every $1 scratch ticket...ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO BE A WINNER! Ta Dah! It works!
 fly0nthewall
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 11
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:38:21 AM
(raises hand) I'll admit to being a "Ms. Hurt", but much less so now than I was in the past. It's an ongoing process.
 skyydancerdreaming
Joined: 11/15/2007
Msg: 12
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:40:42 AM
First of all, great post! It's obvious you put a lot of thought into it. I've often thought about the various reasons you mention that people sabotage their relationships, and have come up with some of the conclusions you came up with. As for myself, I have none of the above-mentioned traits. When I date someone, my mind and heart are open, I take it one day at a time, and, if I really like someone, a little hope sneaks in, unless the person I'm dating "slams the door" on any emotional commitment - then I pull back emotionally, which is logical in my view.

I am what some may call the eternal romantic optimist. Maybe that's foolish, but I'm okay with it, and that's what matters most. Yes, my heart's been battered and it's all bandaged up, but that's okay. I try not to let past hurts move into the present. Each experience is a new one; what Mr. A, B or C did is irrelevant and finished at this point in time, or at least, it should be. What counts is a person's actions from the meeting point onward. If I get hurt, so be it. I'll cry my tears, write my poetry, get over it, and move on. My reasoning is that this man (the one I'm hypothetically crying about), wasn't meant for me. I also have a strong belief in faith and fate, and that in and of itself gets me through a lot of emotional pain, along with tears (cleansing), and writing poetry (emotional release).

I would rather feel pain in my heart, tears running down my face, and the emptiness inside that happens when a relationship does not work out, than feel nothing at all. The way I look at it is if you can't feel emotional pain, neither can you feel emotional happiness, and I imagine that must be a very sad state to be in. I happen to like emotions - the good and the bad - they let me know that I am alive, living my life with all of it's twists and turns, and that I can really care for another human being. And, in my mind and heart, that's a wonderful state to be in.

Do people disappear after a great date(s)? Sure they do. Do I spend a great deal of time trying to figure out why? No, because you will never figure out what drives another person to do what he/she does. I believe the OP has hit the nail on the head with many of her points. But for now, I'm going to stick my head back in the clouds, sing a favorite song while dancing in the sky, and keep on dreaming....
 kayliecat
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 13
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:57:01 AM
Skydancer...you keep on dreaming! I think it's wonderful and I try to approach life that way...as much as I can. But it's hard, too.

Albino Dino...
<div class="quote">I spend a wonderful three days with a friend, and could have spent another two with her, but I bailed. I really enjoyed the time with her, we were having fun. In hindsight, people would think I am a fool. Maybe I was ?
I spontaneously decided to 'go for it', but later, I was fearing unforseen consequences.


Albino, you are a great example... please let me use this to apply the theory and work on a solution, if you don't mind... You are a good sport...

Ok, so you bailed b/c of "fear", right? I'm not gonna call you a fool. But...what about the friend? She is sitting there...thinking, what? "WTF happened? I thought Albino and I were having a great time?????" And she's thinking "Damn, this happens everytime things go well!!! Why should I bother trying again!"

Let me ask you...since you readily admit to this. Is this something you knew might happen ahead of time? Could you have anticipated this consequence? And if so, is there any way it could have been avoided?

Is it a matter of "I knew I might bail but I really liked her and wanted to spend time with her, so I went anyway"??? Or is it more like "I thought this time would be different"?

Looking back at the before, during, and after your days w/the friend, how might you have behaved differently if you (1) knew you'd bail after 3 days and (2) knew it would hurt her/cause her emotional pain??? **I am NOT saying you caused her pain- I dont' know her. But pretend you did. OR if you didn't hurt her, how did you ensure your bailing wouldn't hurt her?

This is really key here, and if you don't mind using your situation as an example and you as our guinea pig, let's see if we can't try to figure out how to keep the friend from ending up pissed off or hurt and keep you from running in fear.

Oh, and Mr. KISS :) ...here's my one sentence summary:
People bail when things are going good out of fear or cynicism that the other person will eventually dump them anyway and they think this will help them to avoid emotional pain.

I thought this thru during my 1 hr drive to work this morning, and typed it up quickly this morning at work, btw. I type fast.

Kaylie
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 14
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 10:01:10 AM
I'm not cynical at all. I've been out with 5 men from this site and I just didn't feel the "spark" with any of them. Without the "Za Za Zoom", I see no reason for a second date. I don't believe in wasting a man's time or his money. I'm hopeful though. My glass is always half FULL!
 Don Coyote
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 15
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 10:01:54 AM
Kaylile,

After reading too many posts I think I can say that "Great Expectations" lead to "Great Disappointments".

I have counted 12756 posts suggesting that "No Compromise!' anybody who believes that will never get out of the pond

I have counted 51234 post suggesting "No to Change!" anybody who believes that will never get out of the pond.

I had a great date last night, with a very enlightened lady who's philosophy was meet everyone who crosses your path, because you just never know.

I seam to be in the dating asteroid belt, caught between the (O&B) Old and Bitter and the (Y&N) Young and Naive.

So when I go out with the O&B I know that they are carrying a lot of wisdom, but also a lot of scepticism Win-Lose

So when I go out with the Y&N I know that they a carrying, not so much wisdom , but way less scepticism Lose-Win

So now I just go out and have fun, no expectations, no Disappointments

Great Theory

Don Quixote
 eazk
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 16
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 10:06:57 AM
I think it's far simpler...it's the Fantasy versus Reality syndrome. Basically, everybody who is somewhat date-able has managed to construct a decent word-picture of themselves...that is what their counterparts develop their perception from. Add to that a few decent pics and the fantasy starts to take shape. Phone calls can help develop it, especially if the conversation flows nicely, because the other person doesn't have a true sense of body language, facial expressions, etc..

And so, when they meet for the first time, your real-world perceptual brain is doing battle with the images your brain has concocted. So while you may be able to have a good time, interact well, etc., what you call cognitive dissonance is not between two people, but rather between two perceptions within one person. And this is one big reason why you should always, always, always meet soon...to keep the fantasy from ruining what could be great.

 rune3
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 17
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 10:21:01 AM
Sounds like a long way of saying that people with negative outlooks: negative beliefs about the world and about themselves find that they create self-fulfilling prophecies. I suggest that you look at Carl Rogers work if you're truly interested in understanding where this goes, I find his theories explain these things clearly.

According to Carl Rogers, it's mostly to do with a mismatch between who you think you should be and who you are. The mismatch occurs through the conditional valuing we experience from others and some people are more vulnerable to this than others. The brain acts to maintain and protect its sense of identity and perception of the world and the more incongruent you are, the more times reality is going to challenge your self-image. Such a challenge is treated as a threat - the response will be avoidance (do not date) or distortion (she blinked when I reached for my wallet so that proves she's only after my money). What you describe is one special case, one example, of this model playing out in real life.

The solution? Mostly patience and positive relationships with others. Someone holding that person in unconditional positive regard can help support their development. I don't think that anyone is 100% free of the influence of this kind of cycle. I do think that a friend-type relationship would be more likely to help with this kind of challenge than one where the helping person is also the threatening situation. I guess a starting point would be to question the person and try to understand exactly how that individual perceives the world and themselves in relation to it and why that individual has the beliefs that they do. This may help them to take a step back from themselves and understand why they are experiencing some of the things that they are unhappy about.
 merry0709
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 18
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 10:22:40 AM
Yeah, I would tend to agree with your theories. But I`ve taken it a step further. After alot of hurt, and several really bad dates in a row, I just don`t date at all. That way I`m not leading anyone on. I think that is best. I look at the big picture. Was I happy in my relationships? When is my life more managable and less stressful ? It is by far when I am single. Being in a realtionship with all of the upkeep and work it entails keeping a man satisifed is just too much for me on top of taking care of myself. I find realtionships for the most part to be physically and emotionally draining , and usually are very detrimental to my overall quality of life. Those are the dynamics for me. So I have made the choice to be alone. Yeah, I miss some things. But I can`t take any more hits. I just won`t risk it. It is a choice I have made for now.
If I ever would meet a man who I thought might have qualities that would actually enrich my life in some aspect , I might consider it. But up until now, I have never met that kind of man. They are rare.
 metalgal1
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 19
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 10:49:20 AM
I think you can analyze this subject till the cows come home. An insightful analogy, but heres my simlified version:

If hes not activley pursuing you, hes not that into you. Period.

Woman are forever trying to analyze these situations and to me its a waste of time. We all are on planet earth for a short time so why waste it ? We have to accept the fact that even if there is great chemistry with someone and if he/she is not making a forthright effort to continue that connection.... hell its time to go fishing once again.

For all the time it took for you to write that post, that time could have been used to email some more guys on POF. Well never know what goes on in peoples minds and why they do what they do. So stop wasting precious time trying to anazlyze things. I say that with much love and respect.

Who cares if they disappear? That makes room for some other fantastic guy to come your way. Hell they did you a favor !!

Happy Fishing
 life_of_leisure
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 20
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 11:13:12 AM

If hes not activley pursuing you, hes not that into you. Period.
....
For all the time it took for you to write that post, that time could have been used to email some more guys on POF.

I'm sure there's a non-sequitur in there somewhere...

So, change the "hes" to "shes" and I agree w/your post 100%.

Who needs a theory for something which no longer matters, and for which there can never by any definitive test - no proof or disproof either way? So you'll never really know the reasons. This seems to bug some people much more than others. Why? I won't speculate, though I have my theories...
 Ezpharaoh
Joined: 3/14/2008
Msg: 21
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 11:17:03 AM
Your theory to a degree describes - IMO and I'm not a psychologist - the obsessive repulsive behavior.
Here is a quote: "Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by recurrent, unwanted, disturbing thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive, ritualized behaviors that a person feels driven to perform (compulsions)".

This behavior might explain why some people disappear after a great date or dates (the repulsive behavior can take place over several months). The one thing you won't see on anybody's profile is an admission to carrying our personal baggages on our back (unless you reached a level in your self-being where you only carry the here and now) which dictate our behavior.

Just a thought.
 Boatguy109
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 22
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 11:46:27 AM
I agree on this topic......I seen alot of people that do what I call revenge dating....They were hurt, controled or used for a certain reason in past now its revenge time to use,abuse and control new arrivals in thier life for mental revenge purposes...I set a rule for myself long ago that I have had successes and failures in relations in my past....But I picked them and had to live with the choice I made to pick the person...And if it was or had bad exsperiences its just because I picked wrong sole mate and you both need to move on and find you true logical matching sole mate. Not revenge or carrying the demons with you and putting yourself in bubble with your last ones....Give someone new a chance and everyone is different so is not an ex or a past starring at you...its something fresh and new from that...Forest Gump hit it on head..Life is like a box of chocolates...You never know what ya ganna get......But if you never put yourself out there and try....you never get any choclates at all in my version!
 Ladybowler40
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 23
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 12:02:34 PM
WOW! There was a good deal of thought, effort, and time involved in posting this thread. It raises some good points/thought/questions, but does it over analyze things? I almost got dizzy reading it all! LOL

I agree with the line of thought that we as humans can be our own worst enemy sometimes, in that experiences from the past can impact the future. There is a fine line between learning from your past, and allowing it to control your future. It's not always easy to shake off a bad experience and wipe the slate clean for the next guy or gal, but in not doing so, it creates bitterness and resentment, and results in us walking around with a chip on our shoulder. I met one such person recently, and it was a HUGE turn off. If you hold the 'sins' of one man/woman against another, you are shooting yourself in the foot right off the bat.

I also agree with Eazk concerning Fantasy versus Reality. The perception we form of people during the intial communication phase doesn't always 'line up' with the person we meet in the flesh. It is easy to get caught up in the excitement of 'finding' someone. Perhaps you have a lot in common; feel like your value system lines up; or have shared a lot of the same experiences. It can leave you with a false sense of security. When you meet in person, you discover that this person isn't everything you perceived them to be.

Chemistry also plays a big factor in meeting someone. Sometimes you 'click' with someone, and sometimes you don't. One things for sure....if it doesn't come naturally, forcing things isn't gonna make it work. There are many variables to the whole dating thing, and what holds true for one, may not hold true for another. As long as you are happy with yourself, just enjoy the ride, and try not to sweat the small stuff. There is someone out there for all of us, and in due time the right one will come into view.
 Pamperpooch000
Joined: 11/7/2007
Msg: 24
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 12:14:58 PM
It's true, there are allot of people out there who have been hurt in one way or another, and they may have wound up expecting the worse from the beginning, but I think it's really more about wanting to get that gut feeling, and not the gut feeling that something is wrong, but the gut feeling that everything is right, once they get that there is no stopping them. You hear about it all the time, a man who has dated a woman for a year but somehow couldn't commit to her and kept on searching, then all of a sudden he finds a woman and two weeks later he's asking her to marry him. The simple truth is love doesn't come around very often, and not every nice couple is going to fall in love with each other. One part of the couple might fall in love with the other, but usually the love is one sided, and one part of the couple holds all the power in the relationship, which makes it a bad relationship. Mutual love is much more rare and special, and that's what most people who have had a relationship which was a bad relationship (or even those who are fortunate enough to have had a great one) are looking for, and they'll know it when they find it.
 Diablera bruja
Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 25
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/8/2008 12:26:52 PM
Hey Kaylie great posting as usual.When I came on POF I was a saboteur supreme. Angry, hurt and cynical about men.This place and the forums have made me realize , it was my silly pride and overweening ego that got hurt and real love has still to hit me.I was puffed up with my own self importance and yeah, it was all about me.But it is,nt is it? peoples issues are to do with them.If they miss a date or scarper, well its their choice and their issues. It is nothing we have done. I know I behaved the way I did, because of me not the other person. Now well I am at peace and happy and very remorseful and wish I had in one case, taken a chance. Fear can snatch happiness right out of our hands and leave us lonely and regretful.So I was hurt, so are many others, thats life and we heal and grow wise not bitter.I wish I had read your post last year, I would have amended my thinking. I still write the odd poem, but its just for laughs and to remind myself , it was my own naivety was the cause of my troubles, not any guy.Heheh this personal responsibility lark is not as easy as it looks eh. Life is too short for bitterness or blame, a positive , mature peaceful, happy person will attract the right person into their lives.The key word being attract not hunt or chase.
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