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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How to deal with partner's promiscuous past      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 2
How to deal with partner's promiscuous pastPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
somedayoneday321,

If you can't get past the past, why go any further? If you can't trust him, why go any further? I understand how you feel, but you have to realize to go any further with this guy, you must accept and respect the fact that he does have a past as well as you. You are young, so you have plenty of time to explore different opportunities...if that is what you want to do.
 labyrinths end
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 4
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/14/2008 5:00:46 AM
sometimes it takes time to get over the past
especially if it's not your past!

the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour
but thats not saying that people cant change if they want to - but they have to really want to
he could be the one for you
guys do hang up their hats - sometimes but is he old enough> has he truly had enough of his sowing of the oats
the fact that he's not over keeping contact with some of his conquests suggests to me that hes not quite over putting notches on the bedhead but only he knows this ( and even if he thinks hes over that time in his life it may resurface)
if he sees how hurt you are that he keeps contact then he really should out of respect give it all up ...but theres no way to keep a cheating heart from beating
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 11
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/14/2008 7:14:07 AM
He can't undo his past. When you talk with him about his past, does he express regret or does he "boast" about it? If he boasts about it, I'd wonder in the back of my mind if I were another one of his conquests.

You'll have to move on beyond his past in order for your relationship to move forward. Also, you don't mention how long you've known him. He has to earn your trust and you have to earn his trust. If there's no trust, there's no relationship.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 13
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/14/2008 7:28:28 AM
Keep it simple. Either he loves you and treats you right, or he doesn't love you and doesn't treat you right.
If he loves you and treats you right, then nothing is going to happen with these women, as they were before you, and you are like the sunshine after the rain. You have brightened up his life, and he has forgotten what life was like before you.
If he doesn't love you and doesn't treat you right, then even if he was a virgin when he met you, it would not have made a difference.

My best friend was a virgin when she married her husband, who had loads of girlfriends before her. I can honestly say that he dotes on her completely, and though he might pretend, he would never cheat on her, by choice. I believe that even if he knew he'd never get caught, he still would remain faithful to her.
 StrangerInTheHouse
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 17
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/14/2008 8:02:09 AM
Sounds like his past relationships are hurting you. If you can handle more of the same, more power to ya.... but if you think it will get to you eventually, you might consider stopping now rather than building your life around this guy, because at that point you might not be able to leave without hurting others.
There are many good and attractive guys who stop contacting old flames, at least when they're in a meaningful relationship.
 BrownEyedLeo
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 21
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/14/2008 8:33:13 AM
A person's sexual past need not interfer with the present except for reason of stds., etc. Personally, I do consider your behavior as naive, but your feelings are another matter. You can not change the past, so why try living in it ?
As for your resentment that you never had a chance to explore yourself more as he did, I feel that is a much bigger problem than your partner's past. How would you feel if he felt the need to explore himself more? Does he know you resent not being able to be more promiscuous ? It is NOT to late to explore yourself more, but .. IF you truly love this man, why not explore yourself with him ???
As for his one night stands, a one night stand is when someone has contact with that person ONLY for the one night. If he still maintains contact with them, it is /was not a one night stand.
There is nothing more of a turn off for a man than a woman that constantly needs assurance that she is THE only one and he loves her. I wonder if there is a big age difference in the two of you as your behavior is like a teen-ager's.
Try doing things to improve your self-confidence and stop being so insecure and immature. The more you dwell on this, the more it is going to eat at you constantly. Find something Positive to think about to replace the negative images you have of yourself and your Partner's feelings for you.
Sounds like you have too much wasted time on your hands!
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 25
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/16/2008 10:16:10 PM
Tanya is right;
1. First of all if this sleazy guy said he slept with 30 girls, he's slept with 50.

2. You are now being exposed to every lover he's slept with and their lovers. This could be in the 100's.

3. The National Institute of Health just came out with the latest stats. 25% of teenage girls have an STD. With guys its more. Yikes.

4. Do you think that a young guy that screws girls like a poodle dog in heat is now all of a sudden not screwing around on you and he'll be faithful.

5. you have literally no self esteem, no self respect and he knows that. He knows you would do anything for him and you will NOT leave him.

This is not a healthy situation and your not naive, your mindless. Realize it is what it is; he's a slimeball, uses women for his own pleasure, cares less about anyone but himself and your a fool for staying. Do the right thing and have NO contact with him. Your giving good women a very bad name. Woman up.
 sin2gether2
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 36
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/17/2008 4:44:30 AM
Men who have lots of sexual partners and haven't settled for one of them before often wait for a "virginal" type of woman to settle with.
I've seen this before.
So he might actually treat you like a princess. If he is good to you, that is great.
I actually feel bad for the other women he is possibly still talking to. He is using them and treating them badly.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 37
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/17/2008 6:08:55 AM
I knew that I was "all grown-up" when I was able to allow other people to be themselves, make their own decisions, maintain their own relationships, and recognize that I also have those same rights and deserve that same respect.

If someone isn't able to both allow those rights and expect those same rights, perhaps they should reconsider being in any relationship until they come to terms with these aspects needed for the development and maintenance of a relationship.

Best.

ACP
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 38
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/17/2008 6:53:08 AM
You and only you have some serous insecurity issues about this. Get over it. What you are going to do with the way you are acting, is that he will put you in a notch, get rid of you and move on. So if he is claiming to be faithful to you and your relationship, honor it, regardless of how many women he had slept with in the past. If you don't, you will be the past.
 Sweet J-me Baby
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 39
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/17/2008 7:23:10 AM
Op, I agree with the others who say to leave the past where it belongs. There is not a thing you can do to change it, so enjoy what you have with him now...and by the sounds of it, you were the one who was able to tame this guy, so instead of shedding tears over something you can not change anyway...there is no point in fighting over his past.

Now, if he has a promiscuous present, then you have every right to be concerned, to cry, and to be angry.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 40
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/17/2008 7:31:49 AM

And a person is going to get a lot more experience from having a lot of quality and experimental sex with one person then they will having one-night stands with multiple people.


Bingo! Well said.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 42
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/17/2008 2:22:23 PM
Sorry someday one; I should be flowery and say sweet things like, ah he's changed; what a sweet boy; so loving; he really does love you and every time he screwed those other 30 girls, he was really just thinking of you. ahhh

I've taught teenagers for over 10 years and I see whats up. I've coached high school boys for 5. The american adult is literally clueless about what the generation is doing. Instead of people trying to be soft and fluffy, we should care enough about eachother to be honest. There has never been more sleazy behavior in people under 25 than in this decade.

your totally right; I'm so sorry; lol; whatever; your point of view is so ultra liberal and naive but I didnt' say anything because thats your thing. Everyone has a right to speak their mind. But Since you attacked me I then had to say it. i'm not a tra la la person who believes in God and lets everyone off and everything is all good. 25% of teenage girls have STD's. This is the latest from the national institute of health; for males its more; this guy is exposed to 30 girls and all their lovers. That means she's being exposed to possibly hundreds of people sexually; You can be everyones friend. I respect what you do, and you can do whatever you want. I wish I had a tape recorder and let girls and women hear what young college and high school guys say behind their back. Most young guys are dogs. We need to stop being cool adults and being peoples buddies, and try to help people by being honest. Our country is a mess, and its because its all good. No it isn't all good; there is still right and wrong.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 43
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/17/2008 2:42:09 PM
You want to know why men are dogs women? You want to know why jerks never change? Because you keep taking them back. You reward their behavior with forgiveness and you'll believe anything that comes out of our mouths when your into us.

Its funny how most of the sympathetic posters are female, and the harsh ones are male. Females will believe anything and we guys know what dogs many men are. Some really good posts.


First of all why are you quoting your boyfriend like he was a truth machine. He was screwing anything that walked and lied about it and never told you. You think he's telling you the truth now. The truth is he can say and do whatever he wants because your never leaving him, so I dont know why you even posted this. Maybe you wanted people to feel sorry for you or believe you. Its sad you think this is what a healthy love is.

To be honest it doesnt' matter what anyone says. This girl is obsessed with this guy. Its very classic. He doesnt' want her, he just doesnt' want anyone else to have her because he knows she worships him and will never leave. This is a very dysfunctional situation that happens thousands of times every day and I'd bet my last $5 saying this is a train wreck in the making.

P.S. I guess we should allow most of the criminals out because they say they've changed and they cry and they seem to mean it. I mean wasn't that in the past? We should let sex offenders and murderers and adulterers do whatever they want. I mean the past is the past isn't it? Lets let them off and not judge them for the past. It's all good. Good grief. Thats whats wrong with our country. You can predict future behavior by past actions. If there is a pattern of behavior, then the odds of it continuing are incredibly high. This is a young girl and this guy is not the prince of England or anything special. Your telling an insecure girl without any self esteem that is being treated like a dog, to stay in an extremely unhealthy situation, to forgive him. She's not healthy enough to be in a relationship, and this guy is a dog and cant' spell relationship. You don't cheat on someone 30 times and then say, "my bad". This girl needs to grow up and be a secure person before being in a relationship. Neither one is healthy and some are saying, ah it will be ok. No it wont. Stop being cool adults and being buddies and start telling the truth to people.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 49
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/18/2008 4:20:43 AM
1. he didn't have to tell you....so why did he? it would have been much easier for him to keep this part of himself in the past and hidden from you......so what was his motive in telling you? either he felt proud of his 'achievements', or he told you because he felt if you were going to become close (as it seems you both have), that he felt it was the honorable thing to do and show you this was/is part of him (so you would not have any illusions about him....ahem....).

2. the other question is, and another poster asked, but you haven't answered yet is how old is he? you're 22, but i'm thinking if he's in his 30's - say he's had 10 sexually active years - well, that averages 3 women a year, and some (or many) were one night stands. it makes one wonder why he couldn't and didn't form or want to form longer term relationships with any or some of these women. if he's in his 20's, or near your age, then it really sounds like he's been truly promiscuous, as you say, and then i would wonder why he thinks you are different, or his behavior will be different now.

3. i was in a relationship where i had a more active sexual past than my partner and it was a source of concern for both of us when we realized there was quite a difference. he was one who was a virgin when he married and had just a four mini sexual relationships since his divorce 8 years earlier. from the minute we both spoke of this difference, it seemed he was viewing me differently, as though i should be ashamed, and i was viewing him as someone who had too little experience. and, in fact, that was part of the downfall in our relationship - we just couldn't match in that area.

4. if you really can't accept his past, or if you're deep down not trusting him, you're going to have to face your fears by looking at your beliefs and values as honestly as you can, and then decide to either move on, or stay with him (for now, cuz that's all we really know) and explore this relationship further. wishing he didn't have his past is not reality, as you know. holding it against him also will not achieve anything positive.

5. trust your intincts. is this the sort of person you envisioned you would fall in love with? do you love him? do you trust him? is this the kind of person you envisioned would fall in love with you?

6. bottom line - is there more potential for love or pain in this relationship? and are you coming from love, or from fear? recognizing that can be a great help in seeing and finding your truth.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 52
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/18/2008 10:12:01 AM
Thanks for correcting me; I came off a 24 hour work shift and didnt' read it right.

What you have to realize though that if he slept with 30, he slept with more than that. Also you are being exposed to ALL of the women, and ALL of the partners those 30 women have ever had.

The National Institute of Health latest medical stats show 25% of teenage girls have an STD. Good Luck.
 danieljarvis
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 54
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/18/2008 8:39:32 PM
your only in to him because other women or women in general find him attractive,that's not very original and you deserve everything you get
ps.i hate dominant males
 Mirage111
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 55
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/18/2008 8:44:54 PM
why are you stressing over that which is beyond your control...accept it or move on. You will only drive the person you supposdly care about away. Its your issue, grow up, and sounds like you are not ready for a committed relationship yourself..deal with that.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 60
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:38:10 AM
We are the sum of our pasts, and that includes past lovers. Either you like the person as they are or you get out.
 danieljarvis
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 70
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:46:48 PM
jay girl you are living on a cloud with a silver lining,i hope that the real world knocks on your door soon
ps.i hate pub sluts
 danieljarvis
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 77
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/21/2008 4:06:46 PM
the positive equal the negitives no matter who you are
 ZokyC
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 83
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/30/2011 4:07:28 PM
Well find some job to keep you busy so you don't think much of your partner. Something which requires a lot of travel so you don't see him much.

One which comes to mind is Secretary of State
 Friendly widow
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 86
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 4/30/2011 8:26:12 PM
Yet another very old thread brought back! Has anyone else noticed that the OP is still here-seeking intimate encounters!
 Friendly widow
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 91
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 5:44:19 AM
Clearly that is precisely what she is trying to do with a profile looking for intimate encounters!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 92
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 6:55:42 AM
I see a huge problem here. And the whole thing stems out of resentment and jealousy. When you resent what another person did, particularly things that they didn't do to you, but had done in the past, it's a mute point because it has nothing to do with you and cannot be either corrected for feel sorry for such actions. Second when you are also jealous that you haven't had more previous partners, what it does is that it poisons your thinking, to the point that you are going to wish that you were not in that relationship, so eventually you may sabotage the relationship or cheat on him.

With that said. I grant the OP one thing. I have female friends. But these female friends became that after we dated and realize that there was not sexual attraction but we had other things in common. Now, a person that you had SEX with, it's a different thing. This may be someone that you no longer see as relationship material, but there is in one or they other the possibility of additional sexual attraction. So while I advocate to have friends of the opposite sex, I also advocate that one should honor how the other partner feels about having around, or having contact, with people we have slept with. I know PLENTY of women that feel very uncomfortable about this. I also know plenty of guys that while saying first that they didn't care, when it came time to make a more serious commitment, they put as a stipulation that if they should not have contact with people they slept with before, so should the woman. So, while we all may claim to be or want to be very mature about this, or "Secure", the reality is that most of the time, it's uncomfortable for our partner to keep contact with people we had sex with.

So, if your bf, wants to put his money where his mouth is, he should cut contact with the women he slept with, yet keep the ones that are simply friends. And if that takes place, the OP needs to realize that the past is in the past.
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