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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad      Home login  
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 11
Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the BadPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Classic woman thing I think; men get angry women reminisce and make the relationship out to be a lot better than it was. If it was so awesome then you would still be together; obviously someone wasnt' happy.

It's very normal what your feeling, but its just maturing as a person and it happens to everyone. Again obviously someone wasn't happy and it wasn't magical to someone or you'd be together. I see women that get cheated on several times saying the same thing you did.

Don't make something magical out of something that wasnt.

Also, see what you can do to make it better. You made a mistake on who you chose as well; learn from that. Ask yourself what you could have done better and learn from it.

Bitterness is a terrible way to forget; time and healthy thinking in seeing it for what it was will help you move on. Grieving is natural, but dont' get carried away.
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 13
Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad
Posted: 4/26/2008 2:58:13 PM
The bad things are there, I don't want to taint my own soul and spirit by constantly reminding my self of them.

I want to remember her for the good times and the love that I felt. Let it be a nostalgic thing as I move on with my life and the one that I am with and plan on being with.

Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 14
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Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad
Posted: 4/26/2008 3:09:29 PM
just take the amount of time..YOU need to heal!..(everyone is different)

Every Relationship has good and bad in it, and It always hurts when the time comes for that relationship to end. YOU ARE HUMAN!!
Take things day by day and you will come to realize that it hurts just a little less as time goes on, until all that remains are bittersweet memories.

and please try to rememeber....these experiences we have to go through in this thing called life..makes us the people we are continually growing into.

"Don't frown cause it's over, smile cause it happened"

what a brilliant quote...mind if I use that sometime?
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 16
Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad
Posted: 4/26/2008 5:05:49 PM
Yes, I've tried that technique also. It doesn't work. You have to just realize that the person whom you fell in love with is still a part of you and your life. It just didn't work out for various reasons. To truly let go, you actually have to think of them like a loved one who has departed, much the same as if your close relative died. Forget about how much you hated them, because that doesn't help either. You did truly love them, so it will just remind you of that fact. Just cry as much as you have to to clear your system and do this often. They say that women are better at this because it is more acceptable in our society for women to be the ones who cry more easily. Please do this. Grieve as much as you possibly can over your loss. Ultimately when your mind is clear enough you'lll be able to have a good true healthy romance with a new individual that you can focus on. This last step will allow you to completely transform the pain into happiness. But just remember that your past love is an experience that is part of life and it really should be something that you can learn from and even cherish. Its ok to remember the good times, because they were good. You can still have good times again, but they will be with a new love instead
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 22
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Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:30:47 AM
One of my exes sent me a series of nasty e-mails right around the time we broke up--telling me how much of a whore he thought I was, how he was glad that he didn't have to worry about catching anything, and what a **** I was, etc. I kept those e-mails in a special folder and every time I started feeling sentimental about the good times, I'd pull up the e-mails and remind myself why being with him was a bad idea. I also would forward them to him any time he tried to pull any b.s. about how much he loved and missed me and wanted to "see" me (i.e. have sex), even though we weren't together anymore.

Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 24
Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:45:29 PM
OMFG girl you have been on this site since 2006???

You have to let go of bad sh!t in the past and remeber the good times.

Let the memories of good times light up you soul till all that joy is just radiating out from you and people will be naturaly attracted to you.

Live, love and enjoy your life. Most of us only get one.
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 25
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Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad
Posted: 5/14/2008 8:32:52 AM
Op and others, great posts, thank you so much its all so true. I needed to read this thread in particular. If we could focus so much energy and thoughts on life in general, we would all be famous achievers, instead of wondering "why did it end", "did I say something", "was he/she lieing to me", "if he/she woulda done this I coulda done that", "will I get a 4th chance", "he/she said it was great until...", "there is no one else like him/her for me"...etc.


(((most part i agree with your rebuttals, but not totally. ever hear of hope and patience? giving a person a chance? allowing them to grow from their mistakes? if they continue to fail time after time)))

Dude, remember this famous quote: "Shame me once fool on you, shame me twice fool on me". Thats it! Ok, you give your "truelove" a third chance, if that fails, its over no one's fault at all. You took the gamble and lost. Do you blame casinos for not winning the slots?
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 26
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Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad
Posted: 5/14/2008 8:05:12 PM
I am in the same dilemma. I remember the good things and can`t get past it. But now I have to think of the bad things, which I choose because of me not her. She said I didn`t do anything bad or wrong, but I still remember what I did and what I didn`t do for her. Nothing was wrong between us, that is no arguing, yelling or anything bad.
So, now I am angry with her and I haven`t seen her for 6 months. Why? Were done, fini, over etc.
Your right about one thing that I keep forgetting, that is why she brokeup with me. I have to keep remembering that and it hurts and I get mad at myself. That also keeps me from wanting to go to her. It works for me. I haven`t had no contact since Jan.
Those urges are strong I want to know if she has a new b/f but I can`t because I start to get angry and then I tell myself were over, fini, done and I go back to what I was doing for awhile longer till that feeling comes over me again. What an idiot I am for thinking the way I do.
What you can do is remember that, person doesn`t want you anymore and you must`nt stalk them. How close in proximity are you to them? Are they with someone else? Are you happy for them if they have a new life? My ex lives on the other side of the city and therefore I`m not going anywhere near her althougth my sister lives 5minutes away from my ex. Not sure if anything I said helps but fight those urges they will subside.
Joined: 11/30/2006
Msg: 29
Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:23:09 AM
"Also what you resist persists, so the more you try to fight past those "bad" thoughts, the more "bad" thoughts are going to flood in. Just don't give those "bad" thoughts a second thought. If they do flow in, don't resist, just let them flow on by like something floating down a river..."

That's awsome ^^^

"Do not go for looks; they can deceive. Do not go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Hope you find the one that makes you smile."

as is that ^^^
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 31
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Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:40:37 AM
Boise, maybe recognizing that while blame may be righteous, it serves no purpose and gets you nowhere is a better way to look at it. While I don't perceive my role in the downfall of my marriage as huge as we were constantly in a reactionary mode, what good does it do me to lay everything on my X? I chose to stay and blaming him isn't going to give me back the 12 years, isn't going to get my children a better father nor will it allow me to win the lottery, which, would solve oh soooo many problems.

OP, maybe it is because you are looking at it from the wrong perspective. Remembering the bad things and trying to forget the good is not the way to do it because it is as unrealistic as romanticizing the relationship and ignoring the bad and remembering nothing but the good.

You must acknowledge that at one time, the man appeared to be good, that things were wonderful la la la. What is different is that this is not who the man is. It is not that the man was great and this bad side seeped out, the man you broke up with is the core individual so you must think of your relationship sort of like an egg.

The shell that you originally saw that had you ga ga over this guy started to crack and the foul smelling stuff that came out was the real person inside the shell. Now, you don't remember these things to create anger because that is as detrimental to you as refusing to see an *sshole for what he is. It also takes energy to hate which is energy you should be spending caring about yourself and recognizing that you deserve better.

This may sound antithetical to the situation but in order to move on, you have to forgive him. You haven't told anyone your particular circumstances but with my X. I still think there is a kernel of goodness but otherwise, he is just a b*stard but I choose to look at it that he is a crippled human being and he hurt me because he didn't know how to be better. Now he doesn't have the power to hurt me nor do the memories of who he is. Sure, if I happen to be telling someone about him, it might cause me a pang, particularly relating things he did to my kids but I don't go down memory lane without intending to.

If your man lied, see it not as his purposely lying to you in order to manipulate you but that more than anything he probably lied to himself and thought himself a better man than he really was. Even if he flat out lied purposely he is still the loser all the way around because people like that are usually their own undoing and he lost you, stupid fool. These things are much more difficult to get over when you set it up as some total plot to whatever because the hurt runs deeper. Merely think of him as you would someone mentally ill but you must also learn the lessons because knowing you are stronger and won't fall for the same shit in the future is healing too.

You must forgive yourself because you did not make your choices based on what you know today, even acknowledging those times when you hung in when you knew it was time to throw in the towel because you were hoping that that eggshell would somehow get pasted back together. You can remember the eggshell moments fondly as long as you recognize the rotten egg that he is.

Looking at your repost, you are also grieving the future you imagined with this man, not just the man himself and in many cases, that part of it is what makes you remember the good times because of the promise they held. Recognizing that will also make it easier as well.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 32
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Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:19:35 PM
Dancecard I think you are right but I also think that the image we have in our mind gets there because people do not know themselves as well as they think and their image of themselves is not realistic either. So they tell you about themselves, their values, the way they think relationships would work, and a host of other things and then you find that this is often not remotely the person they really are.

One guy I dated said he would never be in a relationship again that had no communication and he was a horrible communicator himself. Who we are, who we think we are, and how others see us are often three very different things.
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