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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > How can men stop having feelings so quickly?      Home login  
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 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 4
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?Page 1 of 34    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34)
It seems like men hide their feelings from themselves as much as from society. It doesn't seem healthy, and as Thymekiller already mentioned, they tend to get angry and bitter rather than address/deal with their feelings. But I cannot believe that men don't FEEL the same, they just don't admit it out loud.
 Invictus01
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 7
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:40:18 AM


I am not sure if this has been posted before but I am wondering something. How can a man tell you one day he cares for you or loves you and then the next day you have an argument, break up and they completely lose all feelings they had? Or is it they just do not show them. Are break ups really that easy for men? How is it so easy for them to forget you and move on?


I wish I were one of those men... dammit...
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 9
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How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:44:53 AM
I would suspect the answer is easy, they didn't have the feelings to begin with, and this is not a man thing, women do it too. Sometimes, depending on the situation, it is also possible to really care for someone and have them gut you so badly that the feelings almost evaporate.

Others also make a valid point, men are taught not to show feelings to the point even as Cassgo said, they don't recognize them themselves. Anger and love are strong emotions. When I get really, really angry I cry because I am so frustrated I don't know what else to do. Men don't know what to do with the feelings so they get angry because it is okay for them to be angry while it is not okay for them to cry and show weakness.

I had something similar happen to me. The man said something so horrid that given my history it was like throwing cold water on things, and I realized that this man was not who I thought he was. I didn't end things right there but I did think that if things were so hard at that juncture, it would get worse and it was not terribly difficult to walk away.

I think realistically, while the feelings did not evaporate entirely, I realized I fell in love with someone that did not really exist so it is quite logical that I no longer had feelings for the man that really was.
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 11
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:52:46 AM
Well..in a nutshell, from birth, we are taught "big boys don't cry" Showing a feminine side is deemed being weak, lame, or gay. We are taught to "suck it up", we are taught to solve our problems with confrontation, anger, physical exchanges. When we do bond, it's all good until it comes to confrontation, or rejection. Then, most males try to comprehend & understand using the limited emotional tools & resources we are allowed to use... and they are woefully inadequate. That's why suicide is high in men. kinda like "I'll show you!...BANG!" Most men don't have the training in emotional outlet to deal with a problem that shakes them to the core. The usual answer is suicide, drugs, alcohol, (drugs & alcohol give you an excuse to cry.."hey Man, I was all f--ked-up!") or anger/physical violence to deal with serious emotional issues. But,.. "what does not kill you, makes you stronger" does work. If the average male flubs his first few suicide attemps, and he gets off the bottle, or needle, or doesn't go to jail for beating someone to death...EVENTUALLY, they become a well-rounded individual, like myself.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 21
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:23:54 AM
Why is it that men show anger instead of hurt? It makes the situation worse.

Conditioning. Growing up boys tend to be taught to be mad is ok, and other emotions not so much, so they tend to channel all emotions as anger.

Women, same thing - they tend to be taught crying is ok, but not other emotions, so they channel all their emotions thru crying (even happiness).

That's why usually when a guy's hurt he gets mad, and when a woman is mad, she cries.
 SimplyMeeee
Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 22
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:41:19 AM
I'm rather surprised that no one seems to have said that women have gotten to the same point.
Maybe in the past it was "a man thing".
Today's women seems to have the same ability to easily turn off "feelings" and move on with whatever provocation.
Depending on the man (or woman) breakups can be light or devistating.
Pigeonholing either sex is iunfair. It's the person, not the sex of the person, that determines how heavy the weight of a breakup weighs on them.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 24
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:48:36 AM

I'm rather surprised that no one seems to have said that women have gotten to the same point.
Maybe in the past it was "a man thing".
Today's women seems to have the same ability to easily turn off "feelings" and move on with whatever provocation.
Depending on the man (or woman) breakups can be light or devistating.
Pigeonholing either sex is iunfair. It's the person, not the sex of the person, that determines how heavy the weight of a breakup weighs on them.

I happen to be one of those women - just not overly emotional about stuff, but I never mention it, because it's rare - and I'm always told it is, so I tend to overlook it as the norm...
 ralathar
Joined: 4/27/2008
Msg: 25
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:56:58 AM
I dont think it is as easy as that. My wife of 36 yrs walked out saying that had decided she did,nt love me any more,I was gutted to say the least.Well four weeks later I see that the relationship died three years ago and went downhill untill it reached rock bottom.I now know that this should have happened three yrs ago but you get complacent.I accept that she has gone and have realised that it is time to move on.So now i have joined POF to see what life has to offer.I am sure there is a nice person waiting for me somewhere.Life is too short to harbor grudges,Sometimes you have let go of feeling if you find they are false.It made it easier to let go after I found out that she had posted a profile on ALT.COM,a deviate site .A betrayal in my eyes.I could say more but you get my drift .Regards .Jay.
 bigSteveO420
Joined: 10/21/2004
Msg: 26
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How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 11:22:27 AM
HA HA HA NO we can't understand women, because we have the need to make sense in our heads!!!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 27
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 11:25:29 AM

To Betty: You know the real answer; He made a choice!!

I do agree that the party that ends and leaves is usually the party that went thru the breakup or emotional reaction first...

So by the time they're ready to end things and leave the other party's just starting to grieve - while the original party's over it and it seems like they don't care...
 DLo!
Joined: 4/23/2008
Msg: 28
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How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 11:26:25 AM
I've been through breakups that hurt me and others that didn't. The one's that hurt are the girls I really cared about and were In Love with and the rest I wasn't in love with. Saying I love you doesn't mean I'm In Love.....it's different to me...It could just mean I love you as a person....I love spending time with you...I love the sex, I love the company.... being in Love...means you have my heart and it's gonna hurt if we break up ;) The I love you breakups means..I'm just gonna 'miss" the company, sex, convo...but will prolly find a replacement girl pretty quick

I show my emotions if I feel them...if you don't see any....well, I don't have any. It's just the way I react.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 29
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 12:00:50 PM
Many years ago, I posed this question to a male friend and he told me that most men live in the moment. Yes, it is crappy when some of them use the "L"word and not mean it.
 SimplyMeeee
Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 30
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 12:18:15 PM
uglybetty (sorry,,the name does not fit you!)
It's not rare. Since entering the 'singles world' again 3 years ago, I have made some tremendous friendships. All of them are female. So we all talk about the dating experience. Seems as we grow older, our level of emotion to commit to someone has more stumbling blocks. Much of it becomes being comfortable in the new single life. Not wanting to give up the new found freedoms.
Maybe at this point in life, unless we are completely knocked off our feet by emotion for another, we won't get into commitments.
I know personally I want to be with one person, committed to a relationship, the give & take and the comfort of one special person. Finding that though, what a challenge!
 richard233
Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 31
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How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 12:38:40 PM
1) Not all men are ... any more than all women are ...
We are each individuals. Personally, my emotions run a bit too deep.
After a break up I would pretty much isolate myself and not go out at all.

2) Sometimes people use the L word without meaning it. It sucks.

3)Men get told they should act a certain way, but see that those actions do not work
in the way they are told it will. This is basicly because the information is not given
in a clear way. A guy is told he needs to be nice, but often overdoes it and gets
perceived as a wimp. A guy sees jerks succeed, but does not get that the girl is
often attracted to the confidence portion of the guy, not the being treated poorly
part.

4)Anger is a strong emotion. Sometimes by getting angry we can "burn out" the
positive emotions that previously existed. It's a release valve. By ridding ourselves
of the previous positive attractions we allow ourselves to go on. And to be honest,
we often have good cause to be angry, and why should we want to stay around
people that make us unhappy?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 32
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 12:50:00 PM

Seems as we grow older, our level of emotion to commit to someone has more stumbling blocks. Much of it becomes being comfortable in the new single life. Not wanting to give up the new found freedoms.
Maybe at this point in life, unless we are completely knocked off our feet by emotion for another, we won't get into commitments.

Ain't that the truth!!
 simpleman20188
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 34
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 1:32:35 PM
Wow so many angry, bitter cynical people here.

There are many reasons men will do things as the OP described. I think the closest one here for most of them is that he decided the relationship wasn't right or wasn't for him.

It isn't that he didn't have feelings it is when he decided it was over he put them in a metphorical box and stored them away. And it can happen almost as quick as I just described.

Men just like women have certain things we are looking for. I don't know how women percieve it but as a guy I see it as a weighing and measuring thing. We constantly analyze the relationship seeing if the net gain and positives out weigh the negatives and costs.

If things go well the positive gains become so abundant that the guy stops checking. If things are constantly cropping up like a fly in the ointment then the choice to switch off is always that much closer.
 Adam 4 Coffee
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 35
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 1:38:28 PM
The reason is that the majority of men are over themselves and we usually move on much quicker. Women tend to be more anal retentive. So you retaina nd hold on to negative feelings while a guy will jsut go tot he gym and a break up can be like bad gas after a few days to a week. Forget being on the rebound. Afte ri break up with a girl I can date someone new the next day unless it was a long term event then I need a week or 2.
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 36
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 2:10:03 PM
Msg: 1 -- I have a veritable WALL constructed of a LONG list of red flags. I have trained myself to shut down ALL feelings when I see ANY red flag and AUTOMATICALLY terminate the affected relationship. Your experience may very well have been with someone who has been hurt as much or worse than I. This person may have bailed automatically and without thought as I would based SOLELY on having sensed a red flag.

When one has been burnt as much as I have, the "NEXT" button is easily accessible and has a hair trigger. When "NEXT" has been pressed, there may be some pain involved, but not nearly as much compared to have seen the relationship through to the inevitable end that has been so CLEARLY demonstrated in the past. No offense to you personally, but this man may have been spooked by a red flag that you displayed and chose to protect himself, REGARDLESS of any emotional investment he may have had in you.
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 37
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 2:30:33 PM


Msg: 2 -- I really believe they are able to 'just not show' their feelings as much as women.


I wasn't always like this. I TAUGHT myself this technique through HARSH discipline. As a result, my self-taught AUTOMATIC "NEXT" response to ANY "Red Flag" proceeds AS PREVIOUSLY PLANNED **REGARDLESS** of any PERSONAL agony it may cause.

I may grieve about the termination for MONTHS on end, but I view that as FAR better than what COULD have been had I allowed the relationship to continue to its presumed conclusion.

When I terminate a relationship, it is PERMANENT, **REGARDLESS** of whatever pain it may cause me personally.
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 38
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 2:49:36 PM


Msg: 5 -- Yes...men do not attach as easily as women do....


For me this is NOT true. I "attach" FAR too easily for my own good.

BUT I can DETACH with what some can consider as elusive ease, as a result of past agonies and deliberate self-training, in spite of any pain involved.



A hormone is released so that you will bond to him in order to protect the young that may be the result of your union...


?????
Legend, or truth? I have NEVER seen any personal evidence of THIS.



Some things are programmed into the matrix of our cells no matter how much we wish they weren't.


Again, I am FORCED to ask if this is legend or truth? I have NEVER seen THIS.
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 39
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 3:03:49 PM


Msg: 6 -- It seems like men hide their feelings from themselves as much as from society.


This is only PARTIALLY true. I am WELL AWARE of my personal feelings; they are NOT hidden from me. The TRUTHFUL part is, I try to HIDE my feelings from ALL OTHERS.



they tend to get angry and bitter rather than address/deal with their feelings.


Yeah, OK, so I lied, just a WEE bit. My pain DOES emerge as anger and bitterness at times. I DO prefer to hide my pain, whether it be physical or emotional.



But I cannot believe that men don't FEEL the same, they just don't admit it out loud.


I FEEL the pain, but I concede that I don't admit it out loud. I MAY express some tangential anger, but most likely will not relate it to my agony. I would die first.
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 42
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 3:25:43 PM


Msg: 8 -- Why is it that men show anger instead of hurt? It makes the situation worse.


Wow, what a question. I will answer it STRICTLY from my PERSONAL view. I am 56 yrs old, so a MAN'S TRADITIONAL ROLE is FIRMLY embedded on my brain. I CAN'T change it. I WON'T even TRY, simply because that role seems proper to me.

Anger is acceptable, because it is shrouded in emotional armor. It becomes a good defense, simply because all folk know that the best defense is a good offense. The expression of anger is considered by most to be an OFFENSIVE, and therefore defensable with the male ego.

And HURT? PAIN? Oh, that is SO **DEFENSIVE**!!!! The MALE EGO is GEARED toward DOMINANCE, and SHIES with EXTREME FEAR from ANY implication of SUBMISSIVENESS.

Anger is offensive, which is construed to be a DOMINANT trait.

Pain is defensive, which is construed to be a SUBMISSIVE trait, and ANY expression of submissiveness EMASCULATES the man.

My explanation may seem inadequate, but this is MY summation of the subject.
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 44
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 3:53:05 PM

Msg: 12 -- Speaking to my male friends about this very subject, they mostly say that they can quickly forget someone ever existing after a break-up. I thought this was a harsh thing to say but I think that men's ability to compartmentalise things means that they can literally put painful thoughts to the back of their mind - especially if they are convinced that they can do nothing about it.


"Forget" is NOT easy to do. "Compartmentalize" and eject the compartment is MUCH easier to do. This is ESPECIALLY easy to do when he considers the relationship hopeless.



I have known some men however who seem unable to move on after a particularly horrible break-up, this indicates to me that the 'blocking' of this painful time might be preventing them from feeling the vulnerability of love again.


How PERCEPTIVE of you. A PARTICULARLY **PAINFUL** separation will block ALL my feelings for QUITE a LONG time, be those feelings emotional or OTHERWISE bonding. Pain blocks ALL of my potentially beneficial relationships, REGARDLESS of how compatible they may seem to be to me at the time. When I recover, I am MUCH more OPEN, but that takes a CONSIDERABLE length of time.
 try1more
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 47
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How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 6:02:28 PM
hi
some people are in love with being in love.
they are not in love with the person. there is a world of difference.
my wife and i fell in love with each other some 25 years ago.
now a few months ago she divorced me. we had grown apart, little things became big things.
we argued most of the time.( in a nutshell)
we are good friends, as we have always been. you don't have to throw away a good friend just because you lost a lover. i don't see how anyone can not know when a relationship has passed it's useby date, unless they are in love with a notion rather than a person. when you know a person as well as you know yourself the end is obvious.
i would guess that your fella fell in love with being in love then realised that you and he were not what he wanted. it's easier to switch off a fantasy than the real thing. otherwise he may be able to shut out feelings when he feels he needs to. and it seems he needs to since you would like to get him back even though he appeared cold and careless!
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 48
How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:00:29 PM


Msg: 65 -- If someone is telling you they care about you or love you one day and the next day you have an argument and break up....to me that says they were not being truthful the day they told you they loved you.


This is NOT necessarily true. As this applies to me PERSONALLY, this argument MAY have displayed a Red Flag from my SO. I have developed a DELIBERATELY cultured reflex against these Red Flags that will cause me to terminate the relationship without recourse in SPITE of my feelings toward her.

The "NEXT" button has become at once my best friend and worst enemy in situations such as this.
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